Bruce's Blurty
 
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Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in Bruce's Blurty:

    Friday, May 14th, 2004
    1:11 pm
    Bahhh. :P
    Single again, I am. Bruce is on the prowl. Hehe... ahem. *coughs*. Hide your women!! :oP
    Monday, May 10th, 2004
    5:06 pm
    ahhhh
    After Kelly's persistent harassment (yes, I ignore you all usually, but I figure I'd pretend to be empathic just this once!), I am updating my journal:

    Okay, so this weekend, which is as far back as I can remember, was fun. Friday night I went to the OSDS Swing night as usual, plenty of fun but I find I'm quite paranoid about my hips moving. Every now and then a girl 'll bust me and be like, "Hey, you latin dance don't you?".. at which point my whole dance gets thrown off cause I start focusing on trying to make my hips not move. Not that it helps, 'cause I don't know how! Agghh. It was a bit weird though, there were quite a few more guys than girls there, so being short of follows I decided to drift over to Caliente to do some salsa. Get there, and there's no dancers!!

    Like, the place was packed, but filled with people who couldn't dance. It was so weird. I ended up teaching a couple of girls how to dance a bit, but that was it. I don't have the patience to go over much more than the basics, especially on a Friday night. I wanna daaannnce dammit. I called Diana later and she said everyone was at Paraiso, which is far and which I don't go to any more on principle. Nothing personal, just it's very out of the way.

    Saturday morning was just going to my parents to help fix my sister's computer, and then getting some photography done in the Gatineau's. It was quite nice, and the model (Louise) actually showed up on time for once! She wants to be paid in prints, which works out a bit more expensive for me, but I'm all about supporting budding romance (she wants to give her bf a framed glam portrait of her, which is maybe a bit egocentric, but she's really not like that I don't think.. she didn't seem it anyway. I thought it was cute). Got back just in time to shower and split!

    Oh, I also bought a couple of things off Ebay again that day. The first two seasons of The West Wing on DVD, and this CD by Kevin Ceballo ("Tu Volveras") which wasn't available anywhere in town.

    That night there was a swing thing at St. Paul's church, for some guy named Dave's birthday. Dave wanted a big talent demo/show thing during the night, so the dances were periodically cut for a moment of shows. It was nice, and I was quite impressed!! Jen and I got called up to do a salsa demo and people were pretty darn impressed, we kept getting compliments about how often we must have practiced our routine (zero times, I never even heard the song until we danced it), and I even managed to get it filmed.. but the person filming didn't use the zoom... like he was raised in a bomb shelter or somethign and never saw a digital camera. Oh well. :)

    Afterwards, some swingers wanted to go out salsa dancing, so I took them to Caliente, and again danced like a mad fiend. :) Maria was there so that was a lot of fun.. but there was the usual kind of crap dancing.. I mean, it's okay to not know how to dance, but for the love of god make an effort!! Agh. I guess I shouldn't talk.. my east coast swing is probably sloppy as hell.. I definitely concentrate a lot because I seriously can't figure out how to do 6 beats in an 8 beat song. That's one of the things that'll truly throw off salsa dancers switching to swing.

    Hmm.. sunday, went to parents again, finished fixing computer for sister, blah blab blah.. my fingers hurt. Blame Kelly, eh? Mom's overseas right now, so we didn't do anything to do with that. I didn't do much of anything other than buy a Lounge music compilation and a new video card.

    Boy.. I shopped like a fiend this week! And my new lens from Ebay (awhile back) arrived at my parents today!! WOOHOOO! Canon 35-55 EF-S. Here we come. :) I gotta buy another lens filter now. Meep.
    Thursday, January 29th, 2004
    11:27 pm
    I'm naked in my bedroom now. Really, I'm not. But Courtney MSN'd me to tell me to write that. She's a little crazy though. :)
    Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
    3:50 pm
    So I'm officially a loser.

    *bows*

    Thank you, thank you.

    I just spent about an hour goin' through ppls journals from all over the world, friend to friend to friend to friend. Heh. And I've come to the conclusion that we're all pretty much the same. People from Japan who speak english are the same as people from Mexico who speak english (or in one case french, wtf?!) are the same as people from Canada who speak English and French.

    I wish I could summarize.

    I wish I could be everywhere to meet all the cool people out there.

    Meh. :)

    So yesterday Bella was buggin' me to show her some breakdancing stuff, 'cause apparently Al was talking about how I'm so amazing and stuff. Lol. I said I'd friggin salsa, but that's it, 'cause I didn't want to hurt myself on the floor (it's okay to injure urself snowboarding, btu to injure urself dancing has to be one of the most retarded things ever, 'cause YOU can choose the conditions u dance under), but she doesn't like spanish music.

    We need more girls who like spanish music. :o)

    Baah. That's all.
    Monday, September 29th, 2003
    12:08 am
    i wanna see Lost In Translation
    Sunday, September 7th, 2003
    1:09 pm
    I'm such a fool. :)
    After Caliente last night. I had dropped Dianna off at home, and I came to my place. Then I realized I was hungry. I didn't want to wake up Dianna's cat otherwise I'd have asked her to come with me to eat. It's nice to live downtown, but there's only a couple people I know who live around here.

    Anyhow, I looked at my microwave clock, 11:30. Oh, good. So I call Jill, who lives up the street. She answers the phone sounding like she's dying.

    "Hello?"
    "Hey dude, lets go EAT!"
    "Whaaa?"
    "Sorry, were you sleeping?"
    "No... no... I was... about to fall asleep I think?"
    "Dude, it's like 11:30. What's the matter with you?"
    *confused sounds* "Whaa? Is it really?"
    "Ye....oh...fuck.. wait a second.."
    "Bruce.. it's 3:50 AM.."
    "Uhm, yeah. That would make sense since I just left Caliente huh? Fuck. Sorry dude, get some sleep."

    ... lol.. oops. :)

    Basically my microwave clock is out of date, cause after the 2nd brownout during the big blackout period I said "screw that, I'm not setting the time on these clocks till the power outages stop."... but I never did even after the power got back on. Heh.
    Monday, August 25th, 2003
    6:01 pm
    So, went to a party last night and we had this discussion that worked out quite well. Credit due where credit is due, a lot of this was rather well articulated by Anita's beau Matt, though to be fair every single guy who's had a platonic relationship has thought about just smacking one of his female friends upside the head to awaken her from her daze and explain some basic knowledge they lack. Here it is fleshed out in my own words as I remember it:

    An Open Message To All Women: Shit we know, but can't tell you to your face for a bunch of reasons.

    First of all, I want to warn you, while reading this, you're going to be thinking: "Hey, that's not true!" or "Haha, those stupid women!". But remember that it IS true, and that those women aren't stupid, they're just unaware, and that the less you think it applies to you, the more it probably does. A closed mind is a large part of what made you unaware of the facts I'm going to state, so now you've got no excuse:

    Fact 1: Women control the sex in a relationship. They may not think they do, they may not want to think they do, couples might engage in the charade where the man is clearly the one in charge, but you can't really fight the societal/biological way we're setup. Women control the supply, and Men always have high demand.. and even when we don't have demand, we can create demand when supply is available. A woman with excess supply need never fear stockpiles running short, although she might if she's especially picky about the relationship.

    You girls don't seem to realize this. You kind of inherently know.. I mean, you can go to a club or outside and shake whatever or dress however, and you inherently realize that the men are after you and extremely interested. But then somewhere along the line you get into second guessing yourself, and the reality of it is, that if you were to have the foresight to know that this was the person you wanted to spend time with, it'd be very easy for you to play a game of international "come get me" with the guy could play America during a fuel crisis and you get to play the role of OPEC or any oil producing country.

    To put a poker analogy in place.. you know you have the winning hand. You know your opponent will push all their chips in the middle. But for some reason you're hesitant to play, even if you're certain you know you want this guy's money.

    And Kristy, you owe me $80,000.

    Fact 2: The guy you are the most attracted to is the person who is the worst for you. Anyone who's been married and divorced in a rapid timespan can probably agree to this to some extent. But just think hard, who is the person you were MOST attracted to. I'll tell you who: that person either didn't know you existed, or that person was a complete ass.

    Reality is, you're attracted to assholes. The strongest one in the pack is the one who has everyone kissing their ass, and they're the person who can afford to be the biggest asshole to everyone, the dominant alpha male, if you will. Who knows if this is some carry-over, but the thing is, with few exceptions, the majority of you (decent girls that you are) are strongly attracted to someone who is either:

  • violent
  • racist
  • ignorant
  • a liar
    ... insert other trait that, before meeting him, you will claim is NOT the type of person you're attracted to.

    And the reality of it is, your male friends know this. We do. But we can't do shit about it. "Tell us who the assholes areeee!!" you'd tell us, if you knew that we knew. And we know. We can smell bullshit further than it can go. But the moment we open our mouth.. the moment we say, "You two aren't right for each other", or if we're more comfortable with you: "Your system for tracking down guys is asshole-oriented, what the fuck are you thinking you idiot?", is the moment you get angry at us, or chase more vigorously after said asshole (either because you want to prove us wrong, or because.. y'know, I don't think it's as simple as you guys caring if you prove us wrong or not, but I have noticed everytime I open my trap about what I really think about that Shithead Who Is The Object Of Your Affections, somehow I become the asshole). Maybe nobody likes to be told they're wrong. That, "No, this is not the person you should be marrying", or "Bill is a racist, yeah, and I guess that's his own business but it's a reflection of how he treats other people and what he thinks of them in general, and if you're willing to tolerate that then..."

    ... and you are willing to tolerate that. You'll tolerate any idiot behavior up to a point. The fact that you will is predictable to the point that people can actually go out and make a science out of snagging women.

    Every one of your guy friends will know a guy like this. His primary function in life is to be a chameleon, to say all the right things, do all the right things, and get you into bed with him. Maybe just once, more often it's a frequent event. He'll keep the relationship going as long as his supply and demand is met. And if you're okay with that, you're okay with that. But this sort of thing rarely lasts because sooner or later his fascade melts away: you can't pretend to be someone else forever.

    It's a fundamental charade he can try in a thousand different places and get a thousand different successes with. And this is the part where you get angry, "We're not predictable!" you'll yell. And you'll be pissed off at us. But you are predictable. You are because you've either fallen for that guy or you're going to, and last night him or his copy had someone who was just as not predictable as you were (maybe twice as smart, or maybe half as smart, since smartness has got nothing to do with it) falling in love with him, be it a one night stand or a long term relationship.

    And not only are you predictable, you're also completely ignorant about it. You're convinced he's the greatest guy you'll ever meet, or at least have a chance with. He's so amazing. This, that and the other thing. Some of your female friends, and all your male friends know right away he's an asshole. The rest of your female friends will be as enthralled with him as you are.

    Your female friends might be braver, and they might tell you. Your male friends, unless they've been hit with a stupid stick, will never tell you anything bad about this fellow. They might hint that he's a jerk, or that they don't like him, but that's as far as they'll go. Usually they'll try to act friendly but generally ignore him, and ignore you too when you're with him (since this guy will be either a boorish overbearing fellow who likes to be in control of a conversation, which is why you were attracted to him in the first place, or he'll be as exciting as a brick, unable to speak too much because he's worried about ruining the integrity of his fascade).

    And that's the trick. If the guy's an ass, or putting on some kind of act, your other guy friends will know right away. You'll know, because your guy friends won't be getting along with this guy. But if the guy can get along with your guy friends.. then you're okay. If your guy friends genuinely enjoy getting along with this guy, then you're okay. If your female friends do too, well, that's helpful, but not always, especially not if they're enthralled by him (since that gets your little jealousy switch turned on, and suddenly you're more attracted to him than before).

    I always warn my friends, before they come out to dance with me: "Never date a dancer". And I always figured it was because of my own "don't date a dancer" rule. But I have my own reasons for that that wouldn't apply to non dancers (I don't want to piss in my own yard, so to speak). it's actually clearer when Matt pointed out: 90% of the guys who dance are those kinds of chameleons.

    Fact 3: Don't ask your guy friends what they think of your guy. I'm fucking serious. We'll lie through our teeth to you. We could be the closest friends in the world, but like I said, we'll never go any farther than to say that WE don't like the guy. That's it. That's all. And that's if, like, we're childhood buddies for 30 years. Otherwise we'll say some random fact about him, or my personal favourite opinion-dodger: I'm sure he's a nice guy.

    The unwritten finish to that is: "but he's probably the slimiest, worst possible guy for anyone, nevermind someone of your though-not-spectacular-at-least-moderately-discerning tastes and are you sure you're not using some kind of drug?".

    ... I should point out that I do sometimes, infrequently say "I'm sure he's a nice guy" about people who actually are nice guys but who I don't know much about. So you can't really infer anything from what I say. And that's how I like to keep it.

    That's all.

    Let the flames begin beeyatches.

    "Oh, we're not ignorant"
    "I'm not like that!"
    "I have friends who are attracted to people like that, but I'm not.."

    .. uhuh, whatever. Bring it on. :o)
    • Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
    9:48 am
    wheee
    Oh my god. Fridays at the Aylmer Marina are sooo amazing. I can't believe I just found out about them this weekend. Let's see:

  • Live cuban band.
  • No cover.
  • Wind blowing in from the marina keeping things cool.
  • Kind of a wooden patio that makes a decent dancefloor.
  • Cheap drinks

    Woohooo. :)

    Every Friday.. yeeeaah. :)

    .. and it turns out there's this place in Hull to dance on Saturdays, called Club Maxime or whatever. I'm a little skeptical, but if I can ever motivate myself to cross the border I might check it out. Thing is I hate going to new salsa places unless I know people there, because you never know if someone's a dancer or just someone visiting the place, etc, etc.. and anytime you ask a stranger to dance it's a crapshoot. I don't mind teaching someone how to dance, but I hate dancing with girls who can't dance and get all upset and irritated at me because of it.. not my fault we're collectively looking like idiots (well, not TOTALLY my fault)... :)
    • Thursday, July 24th, 2003
    4:20 am
    Update, i was told.

    so like some foolish peon, i obey

    well, i went dancing today.
    someone asked for my number
    but i couldnt remember the last four digits
    i gave her four numbers that seemed right
    but turned out to be random

    it wasnt a pickup or anything
    someone just wanted my number
    anyway its stupid you never mix relationships in a subculture
    my subculture is dancing

    you can go the other way around
    bring your subculture into the relationship
    like teach your lover about horseriding
    or collecting butterflies
    or dancing
    or softball
    or whatever your weird 'thing' is
    but you cant run around dating horse riders, butterfly collectors, dancers, softball players...

    its just trouble
    like pissing in your own yard

    lol what a stupid rant. anyway, its true.

    i like my new apartment
    i said that already
    but now i can wash things
    quickly.
    everyone is happy

    i was a bit sad.
    but talking to someone online cheered me up.
    and i wasn't sad for any real reason or any reason.
    it was weird

    i want to call in sick.
    my eyeballs hurt

    my place is almost clean.
    i can't wait till teh dance floor is ready.
    then i can practice and teach and learn stuff in here.

    i want to get good at swing dancing

    too tired to write more
    goodnight
    Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
    2:13 am
    Thanks to Canadiancutie for this one:

    1:11a {{{ PAST }}}
    [ + ]first grade teacher's name: Mrs. Hargadon
    [ + ]last word you said: "Thanks"
    [ + ]last song you sang: Hoja En Blanco
    [ + ]last thing you laughed at: my coworkers
    [ + ]last time you cried: when watching Tears of the Sun
    ...PRESENT....
    [ + ]what's in your cd player: some random flamenco CD I think
    [ + ]what color socks are you wearing: black
    [ + ]what's under your bed: nothing really. Not until I put it together. I'm sleepin on my mattress for now. :)
    [ + ]what time did you wake up today: something stupid like 7 AM

    [[[ CURRENT ]]]
    [ + ]current hair: black and messy
    [ + ]current clothes: pyjama pants and socks
    [ + ]current annoyance: being bored, not wanting to sleep
    [ + ]current smell: fresh laundry smell. mmmm. :)
    [ + ]current longing: to go dancing this weekend. :)
    [ + ]current desktop picture: just plain old blue
    [ + ]current favorite music artist: Eminem
    [ + ]current book: Les Miserables
    [ + ]current worry: Finding my screwdriver so I can get my table put together. How I'm going to flip it over without help.
    [ + ]current hate: None really
    [ + ]story behind your username: hehe.. well, Bladerunner is based off this book by Philip K. Dick. In the book, Deckard (the main guy, Harrison Ford), has a wife and an apartment and they have this fake electric sheep on the roof. But one day they decide to replace the fake sheep with a real sheep without telling anyone. And later in the movie the sheep gets thrown off the roof by one of the antagonists and dies, and they have to go back to the old electric sheep. The real sheep's name was Groucho.. I kinda feel like life just does random shit to me too I guess, is the point. :O)
    [ + ]current favorite article of clothing: hawaiian shirt
    [ + ]favorite physical feature on a girl: arms and or smile :)
    [ + ]line from the last thing you wrote to someone: Yes I can!
    [ + ]i am happiest when: I'm dancing or teaching dancing or travelling or meeting new people or.. I'm just happy a lot I think. Not overly so. I mean I'm sad too.
    [ + ]i feel lonely when: im alone. When nobody calls me. :oP
    [ + ]favorite authors: michael crichton, pj o'rourke, john grisham, chuck palahniuk
    [ + ]if you could live anywhere in the world, where: Mexico probably, somewhere in South America anyway
    [ + ]famous person you have met: Elvis Stojko?
    [ + ]do you have any regrets: Some, not more than average.
    [ + ]sex or love: Love
    [ + ]favorite coffee: Timmmyyys! :)
    [ + ]favorite smell: fresh laundry
    [ + ]what makes you mad: violence, prejudice, injustice
    [ + ]favorite way to waste time: write stuff on LJ :O)
    [ + ]what is your best quality: sense of humor
    [ + ]are in currently in love/lust: not right now.
    [ + ]what's the craziest thing you have ever done: flew to Europe to play poker
    [ + ]any bad habits: I'm very bouncy.
    [ + ]do you find it hard to trust people: not at first. but people who lose my trust once tend to lose it forever. it's easy to build it with me. :)
    [ + ]last thing you bought yourself: a new phone!! :O)
    [ + ]bath or shower: shower, but I like a long bath, it just takes forever. :)
    [ + ]favorite season: Summer
    [ + ]favorite color: Red
    [ + ]favorite flavor: Strawberry or Pineapple
    [ + ]favorite time of day: Late night
    [ + ]gold or silver: silver
    [ + ]any secret crushes: not really

    ~*~ FASHION ~*~
    [ + ]do you wear a watch: nope. i can't find one i like! :)
    [ + ]favorite stores: I'll shop wherever. I'm kind of picky when buying stuff for myself. Unless it's like for charity, at like Unicef or the Salvation Army or something, then I figure it's for charity anyway.
    [ + ]how big is your closet? Average. But I got lotsa space.
    [ + ]ever spend more then $200 in a store?: yep, just today I think.. oh, no. But I have, I know. On my bedframe that isn't put together for example.

    <<>>
    [ + ]do your friends know everything about you: Nobody does. :)
    [ + ]what do they tend to be like: Varies widely
    [ + ]can you count on them: Depends
    [ + ]can they count on you: Always

    ?? LaSt??
    [ + ]last book you read: Last book I finished was Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk
    [ + ]last movie you saw: Adaptation
    [ + ]last movie you saw on the big screen: The Matrix.. something more recent than that I think, I just forget.
    [ + ]last show you watched on tv: Easy Rider is on TV right now, but I dunno what the hell that movie is about. I guess it's not a show though. Last show would be... the end of Jimmy Kimmel Live.. or The Agency is the last one I watched from start to finish.
    [ + ]last song you heard: Hoja en Blanco
    [ + ]last thing you had to drink: Pineapple juice
    [ + ]last thing you ate: Sandwich sub for dinner
    [ + ]last time you showered: This morning
    [ + ]last time you smiled: A minute ago.
    [ + ]last time you laughed: At work
    [ + ]last person you hugged: Jeremy, but that was kind of a handshake half-hug thing. Amelie was my last full hug. :O)
    [ + ]last person you talked to online: I forget.
    [ + ]last person you talked to on the phone: Jen


    ((( DO YOU )))
    [ + ]smoke: nope
    [ + ]do drugs: not for a long time. won't be again.
    [ + ]drink: on special occasions
    [ + ]have sex: nope
    [ + ]sleep with stuffed animals: yeah, I think there's one here somewhere. but he's more just kind of hangin' around. I wouldn't say we sleep together. :o)
    [ + ]have a dream that keeps coming back: rarely
    [ + ]play an instrument: guitar kinda and I can play the marine hymn on piano. but i suck at both. lol.
    [ + ]believe there is life on other planets: probably
    [ + ]read the newspaper: yep
    [ + ]believe in miracles: depends on what that means
    [ + ]consider yourself tolerant: very
    [ + ]consider police a friend or foe: half and half. generally good, but with the possibility of being a foe.
    [ + ]like the taste of alchohol: selectively
    [ + ]believe in astrology: nope, but it's amusing.
    [ + ]believe in magic: nope
    [ + ]go to church: yep, but not like, consistently. and i'm not too picky, if I feel tired I won't go.
    [ + ]have any secrets: probably. can't think of any offhand.
    [ + ]have any pets: i used to have a pet rock, and i got a pet piece of wood named Fox now. dunno where he is tho.
    [ + ]go or plan to attened college: Uni.
    [ + ]talk to strangers: all the time. :)
    [ + ]have any piercings: nope
    [ + ]have any tattoos: nope
    [ + ]hate yourself: rarely
    [ + ]wish on stars: sometimes
    [ + ]like your handwriting: not at all! I write like a little kid! :O)
    [ + ]believe in witches: no
    [ + ]believe in ghosts: no
    [ + ]believe in santa: no
    [ + ]believe in the easter bunny: no
    [ + ]believe in the tooth fairy: no
    [ + ]trust others easily: pretty much, but it's trust easily lost. crazy, not stupid. :)
    [ + ]sing in the shower: when it won't piss off the neighbours. :O)
    1:46 am
    Cleaning my place. Whee. :O)
    Monday, July 14th, 2003
    5:05 pm
    Hehe..
    So yea, sorry I haven't updated in awhile.

    But it's not like anyone reads this. :O)

    Anyhow, my job's pretty good this summer. I'm having an okay time I think. It's a little boring in the sense that I don't REALLY know anyone in Ottawa since most people have left or are getting ready to leave. I really like this place though. I dunno.. the more time you spend away from Ottawa, the more you tend to like it when you get back. I'm sure I'd like to travel one day, a lot, but when I'm old and grey.. well, I'd probably want to be somewhere warm when I die, but for the mostpart, I'd want to be in Ottawa before that I think. :O)

    My apartment's grown a little out of control. I misplaced my screwdriver, so now my table is upside down. I got a new phone. And a new phone line. And crazy new bills to pay. lol. It gets a little boring in here now that I'm single, but meh, that's life I suppose. Better to be free and poor than a rich slave I think.

    I'm not sure what that means. It sounded like it should make sense.

    Doing a lot of dancing lately. I think I should start teaching. Not sure though. I have a nice new hardwood floor. I'm gonna setup mirrors soon, and any non-dancing guests (haha.. I know non dancing people? What the..?) are gonna be thinking I'm narcissic.

    NYU and Cooley are both sending me mail again apparently, I have to go pick it up from my parents place. I'm still undecided. Law school totally isn't worth the hassle, but.. agghhh... I'm.. .aggggggggggghhh!!! I feel like I'd be missing something. Except I don't want to get locked into some job I don't want, so I don't want the debt. If I can stick to Canada, I might do that later. One day.

    :|

    Current Mood: confused
    Friday, July 4th, 2003
    8:10 am
    So I finally got my own place!! Livin on my own is soooo cooool. But now that everyone's done their grads and leaving town tho, I'm not too sure what to do with myself. :|
    Saturday, June 14th, 2003
    9:48 am
    Well this is my first entry. Let's see.. hmm.. what is there to know about me? I like to dance a lot. I used to go Salsa dancing about five times a week, but I'm kind of shy about how good I am. I've only been doing that for a few (well, 5 or 6) months now. But hopefully I'm getting better. I like swing dancing too, but I've gotta relearn a lot of that stuff because I never took it seriously enough to remember anything.

    Pineapples are probably my favourite fruit. I'm getting my own apartment (read: moving out!!) as of this Canada Day (July 1st for those Not In The Know), and I can't wait. Not much else is happening in my life. A lot of my friends are graduating (from either high school or university), so I suspect my circle of friends is going to make a rapid shift pretty soon. It'll be odd, but I guess we can keep in touch with all this fun tech-no-lo-gy...

    What else.. oh, that's about all really. I have a pretty weird life, but I suspect it's gradually been drifting into normalcy. :) It's a bit scary.. but I intend to keep it weird with travelling and stuff.
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