andrea's Blurty
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in andrea's Blurty:

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    Thursday, March 25th, 2004
    5:14 pm

    Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
    3:59 pm
    Marriage is love.
    Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
    6:54 pm
    Feature Archive

    When Pain Is All You Have

    Some people in great emotional pain turn to cutting, burning, and other types of self-abuse. How can you recognize this cry for help?

    WebMD Feature Archive Reviewed By Craig H. Kliger

    Aug. 28, 2000 -- Lauren McEntire was 17 the first time she intentionally cut herself. She was sitting in a darkened movie theater next to a boy who was her best friend. On the other side of him sat his new girlfriend. "I was jealous. I was scared he wouldn't be my friend anymore," she says, two years later from her home in Austin, Texas. "But I didn't know how to tell him how I felt."

    Instead, fidgeting nervously in the quiet theater, she yanked the tab off her soda can. Without much thought, she pressed its sharp edge deep into the flesh of her thumb. The pain and blood that followed made her feel, for the first time, as if she were in control. But with the blood came something more: anger. "A lifetime's worth exploded in that one minute," says McEntire. Within a month, she was a full-fledged self-injurer, graduating to a single-edged razor blade and using it to carve deep grooves into the skin of her arms and legs.

    Long misunderstood by outsiders, self-injury (also known as self-mutilation and self-abuse) is finally being taken seriously, and a growing crop of books, television programs, and even a recent made-for-TV movie are spotlighting this surprisingly common phenomenon. The audience is certainly out there: Although few firm statistics are available, those who have treated self-injurers estimate that about 2 million people in the United States engage in some form of this behavior. Cutting is the most common expression of this disorder, but burning, self-hitting, hair-pulling, bone-breaking, and not allowing wounds to heal are other variations.

    While more than 70% of self-injurers are women, mostly between the ages of 11 and 26, they come from all races and social classes, says Steven Levenkron, MS, a psychotherapist in New York and author of Cutting. What self-injurers have in common, says Levenkron, is that they are often children of divorce, and as many as 90% grew up in homes where communication between parents and child was lacking and where messy problems were ignored, avoided, and ultimately left in silence.

    Cuts Run Deep: Understanding Why

    About 50% of self-injurers have a history of sexual or physical abuse, says Wendy Lader, PhD, a psychologist who co-founded and is co-director of SAFE (Self-Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives, the nation's only in-patient center for self-injurers, in Berwyn, Ill.

    Heather Collins, a 26-year-old from Oregon, says the physical pain she inflicted with her own hand for nearly a decade -- using razor blades to cut herself and smoldering cigarettes to burn her flesh -- helped her forget the emotional pain of a childhood marred by sexual abuse. "After I [cut or burned myself,] I felt better," says Collins. This kind of nonverbal expression of anger and frustration is common, says Levenkron. "Many cutters simply lack the language skills to express their emotions." Instead, they feel only self-loathing, alienation, and an intense desire to do themselves harm.

    Self-injurers turn to cutting as a way to avoid feelings of worthlessness, numbness, and detachment. They come to appreciate the raw pain of injury; finally, they can feel something. "Self-injurers would rather feel the physical pain than the emotional pain," says Lader.

    At the heart of self-injury is control, says Lader. As with eating disorders, self-abuse is a way to take charge of your body. That's one reason many people who self-injure -- an estimated one-half to two-thirds, according to Lader -- also suffer from conditions like anorexia or bulimia. "Self-injury has a hostage-taking effect," says Lader. "It's a way to control parents and friends whose attention you want, or who are worried about you." Whereas the cutter may have previously felt invisible and insignificant, she (or he) is now getting noticed like never before. Self-injury makes others pay attention.

    Healing the Wounds

    Just as those with eating disorders tend to shroud their activities in secrecy -- anorexics who wear baggy clothes, bulimics who purge in private -- self-injurers often injure places that can be easily hidden by clothing, such as the arms, upper chest, and upper thighs.

    Yet, Levenkron says, "Self-injurers are not suicidal. They're pretty careful. They don't intend to destroy themselves, so they quickly figure out how deep, how long, they can safely cut." The wounds are usually quite short (only an inch or so, usually on the non-dominant forearm) and very controlled. Nevertheless, tragedies -- including serious medical complications or death -- can and do occur.

    Until recently, self-mutilators like Lauren and Heather were bounced from emergency rooms to mental hospitals with little hope for complete recovery. Mental health professionals simply didn't know what to do with them. Even today, says Levenkron, emergency room doctors sometimes dismiss them, suggesting that they'd rather treat "real" patients, or they simply treat the surface wound and send them on their way. But thanks to increased media attention (the teen drama Beverly Hills 90210 featured a self-mutilation story line), the disorder is finally coming out of the shadows. Now a combination of techniques, including psychotherapy, antidepressant medication, and stress-tolerance and stress-management therapies, are being tried and found to help.

    Helping Those Who Are Hurting

    At Lader's program, she and her colleagues take a "tough love" approach with their patients, refusing to treat them like potential suicide cases, and ignoring the scars (they don't want the focus to be a show-and-tell of the patients' wounds). Instead, they use talk therapy to help them learn to take responsibility for, and control of, their actions.

    The program is a last stop of sorts: SAFE patients have been hospitalized an average of 21 times before they get to Lader; one recent patient had been in and out of hospitals 200 times for treatment of self-inflicted wounds. Despite the odds, Lader says the intensive program has a 75% success rate two years after treatment. "Cutting is a way to be temporarily distracted from real feelings," says Lader, "and we help [cutters] learn to put a thought between the impulse and the action, to learn to deal with their feelings without 'self-medicating.' " The program seeks to uncover the motives behind the self-injury; one technique the program uses is having patients reach for a pen instead of a blade and write about their feelings.

    As treatment for self-injurers becomes easier to find, friends and family can play a more active role. If you suspect someone you know is a self-injurer -- say you notice a series of similar scars in various stages of healing -- don't just ignore it. "Be direct but empathic," says Lader. "React in a caring way by saying something like, 'I've noticed scratches (or scars) on your body. Did you make them? I'm worried about you and want to help you get help.' " Don't minimize their seriousness, thinking the whole thing is just a harmless fad and that the wounds will heal with time. "Self-injury was my way of telling people that something was wrong," says McEntire, herself a "graduate" of the SAFE program, "but now I use my voice."
    Thursday, March 11th, 2004
    12:32 pm
    murder murder.
    Friday, January 9th, 2004
    9:09 pm
    this will hurt you? it's killing me
    blah. today was pretty dull besides the fact that matt got his wisdom teeth out. i've made a new journal, under nothing to see here but the rain . i think i'm going to start using it alot more, becuase i've realized that under this name i've gotten alot of clutter and i've added alot of people as friends who i can't really even stand, but don't fret liz, your my favorite commenter (and much apologies for not getting the chance to comment back on yours!) and you will be added on my new named asap!

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Current Music: JAWBREAKER // For Esme
    5:19 pm

    You are Marijuana!

    Laid back, dreamy, and maybe a little stinky from skipping a shower.
    You rather hang out on the couch watching That 70s Show than go clubbing.
    All you need is a big joint, TV, and some Twinkies covered in chocolate syrup!

    What Drug Are You?
    More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
    Thursday, January 8th, 2004
    2:23 pm
    tuck me into where theres bleeding
    today will go down in my mind as the day that my mom decided to finally tell me the true details of my father's death. a friend of his that he had meet at the transplant clinic named maureen cuomo called last night, so maybe thats it was on her mind. but she explained to me that he had been in the hospital for three weeks after his last transplant and he had always said that if he was on a ventilater for more than three days, that he had said that he wanted it to be turned off. so my mom explained that he did not just die suddenly like i had always thought, but that she had to make the decision on whether or not to turn off his life support. she also told me that the only reason he decided to take this recent liver was because he wanted to try to see if he could fight to have more time because he wanted to be there for me. she started crying and said that she was sorry that she had never told me earlier, but she felt so guilty about it and that she felt as if i would blame her for killing him. i just sat there and cried. i feel terrible because she is going to think that i blame her for it, and i don't because i know that she made the right decision. it's just so hard to hear that. i know i need to know the truths and details of his death, but sometimes i dont think i can handle them.

    Current Mood: dirty
    Current Music: Distillers - Drain The Blood
    Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
    10:34 pm
    baby, the blood's already been spilled
    i swear it is only 10 degrees outside. god damn pennsylvania. it is snowy and pretty, but once you leave your house you are a walking icesicle. i went to school today and as usual it was torture. i wanted to sleep through math so bad. i ended up going to the game with emily and christy, and i'm making christy read prozac nation. i'm talking to matt right now and things are still kind of weird but better. i think he's realizing that im not the kind of girlfriend who just won't care that he doesnt care for days and we dont see eachother for weeks on an end, and he's also realizing that he misses me. i'm supposed to see him this weekend after he gets his wisdom teeth out. it will be uneventful, but he'll need someone and i'm there for him.

    these cuts run deep.
    these scars are permanent;
    and always on display.

    Current Mood: cold
    Current Music: Alkaline Trio - Radio
    Monday, January 5th, 2004
    7:09 pm
    it's something unforgivable
    heres the update for all of you who didnt already hear it.
    saturday night i ended up going with my parents to rons brothers and around seven or eight the pain in my stomach kept getting worse and worse. by 4 the next day it was so bad i couldn't walk so my mom called my doctor and i had to go the ER at latrobe hospital. i waited like 3 or 4 hours before i even got a bed and i wasnt even seen by the doctor until around 8 or 9. the doctor told me i could have pancreatis, b/c they're tests showed that the enzymes in my pancreas were slightly elevated but they weren't elevated enough for me to be admitted. so i came home, tried to get some sleep and talked to matt. today when i woke up at eleven my mom took me to see my regular doctor and he said that he though it could either be my gallbladder causing me to have gallstones and i had been passing one, it could be a duodenal ulcer, or pancreatitis. i had to drive back down to latrobe to have an ultrasound and have more bloodwork and the doctors came to the conclusion that i have an duodenal ulcer which also caused pancreatitis. so now i'm home and still in pain and feeling shitty. i should be able to go back to school on wednesday if everything starts getting better. i got some sleep last night too so i think things may be getting better.

    Current Mood: lethargic
    Current Music: Taking Back Sunday - There's No "I" In Tean
    Sunday, January 4th, 2004
    3:24 am
    i can't sleep again. my stomach is fucking throbbing and i dont know what is wrong. i just want peace. things with matt make everything so fucking confusing. hes having a rough time in his life, and i know most of it isnt my fault but i feel really fucking guilty. i feel like we're on a break or something because we havent talked for longer than twenty minutes since new years, he hasnt called or said he wanted to see me. he still says he loves me and that the farthest thing from his mind is dumping me, but why does it seem like this. why does it feel like this? last night i had a panic or anxiety attack or something, and i couldnt stop shaking and sobbing.
    Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
    12:07 am
    everything has gotten so much worse in the past month. i dont sleep more than three hours a night, i cut multiple times a day. i cant carry on a normal conversation without some kind of crying and sobbing. i keep having the worst fucking stomach cramps. i am such a fucking dissapointment. i am supposed to be recovering and getting better. i am supposed to stop making the people who care about me worry and stress over me. but i cant even do that. i dont know what i am supposed to do. i can't keep going on like this, fucking up peoples lives.
    Friday, January 2nd, 2004
    10:01 pm
    if you're all i've got i'll have nothing left after what i'm about to do. so let's begin this autumn drive - one jerk of the wheel and we'll see how cold this november water really is .

    yea my boyfriend hates me i think. everythings fucked up between us. i called him today from the hospital and he sounded annoyed and sick of me. i think he is finally bored with me and he's realized what a bitch i am. i havent had time to be alone with him for a long time, and i wont see him at all this weekend because i have a great book project and paper to do, and a paper for civics to get done. i don't even think he would care because hes happier to be with his friends anyways. i think i'm just going to give him some time and whenever he wants to call me or see me he can figure it out, because i'm not sitting around here being clingy and calling him everyday.

    Current Mood: restless
    Current Music: the sex and the city intro music
    6:18 pm
    the first time i saw a body bend that way i realized that we're more beautiful dead than alive. then, with bloodied flesh removed, your rib cage ripped away - and i saw why they say beauty comes from the inside. it won't be the same this time around and you'll never be the same again. i promise to never forget you. i know you'll remember me for as long as you live...and your life ends right here, right now, as i tear your heart apart. i'll take your hair with me, wrapped around my bloody knuckles as a soft, silken reminder of the day you discovered that even the softest words can't heal the deepest wounds. i pray that they find you and use the softest words to hide the hardest truth. i'm covered in your it's over. we're better. one day we'll forget you were so right and so clever. save me from this love affair with broken hearts before it's too late. save me or save yourself.
    Thursday, January 1st, 2004
    8:51 pm
    There's a fire forming not too far from here.
    Out on the east coast... maybe it resides in you my dear.
    We're worn out on all courtesy.
    We've made our curtain calls.
    Like vampire bats deprived of blood into the new york city night we crawl.
    And you've got a funny way of showing off your bathroom surgery.
    You said you were just cooling down from plans of leaving me.
    There's something I should tell you for we may not have much time...
    I've never met arms like yours.
    And the stars at night are big and bright deep in your eyes Miss Vincent.
    You told me once I made you smile.
    We both know damn well I didn't.
    I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poison food for you, your majesty.
    You're royal blue.
    I'm loyalty, my king of pain.
    There's a hard rain falling, flooding your attic it's clear.
    I can't put out the fire that resides in you my dear.
    There's something I should tell you for we may not have much time...
    I've never seen scars like yours.
    And the stars at night are big and bright deep in your eyes Miss Vincent.
    You told me once I made you smile.
    We both know damn well I didn't.
    I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poison food for you, your majesty.
    You're royal blue.
    I'm loyalty, my king of pain.
    The stars at night are big and bright deep in your eyes Miss Vincent.
    You told me once I made you smile.
    We both know damn well I didn't.
    I'm not much of a jester, but I'd test poison food for you, your majesty.
    You're royal blue.
    I'm loyalty, my king of pain.
    6:52 pm
    i can taste the earth and feel it in my eyes
    so it's a new year. what does it even mean? nothing to me at the moment. aren't you supposed to feel some great change in yourself? i feel nothing but stress and worries and the looming fear of an excessively large ulcer growing in my stomach. i have to decide weither to ditch dinner with ron and my mom on saturday at ron's brother house to go to alyse's birthday party thing. i do want to go, and i want to be able to have fun and be girly like everyone else going. i just don't know if i'm up to it right now. i was a fucking mess last night. i was sick to my stomach, with really bad cramps or pain or whatever the entire night. the only good thing was falling asleep with matt and all of the cuddling we did. i am so content just to be near him and in his arms. someone called my cell around 3 am last night and wouldn't say who it was, so matt flipped out on them. verrry entertaining, especially since he was drunk. he thinks it was some guy who likes me, and i had to sit there and try to calm him down and make him realize that NO ONE besides him likes me anyways, and even if they did it wouldn't matter b/c i only like him.
    i went to ron's sister's today, which wasnt too bad beside the fact that bobby was in a shitty mood for certain reasons. when i got home, i find this one girl that used to think wasn't too bad had all this shit in her info about how she has no friends, how she trys and no one likes her and how bad her life is. what the fuck? her fucking parents are loaded and give her everything she could ever possible want in life. she fucks people over so bad, and has no regard for how anyone else feels. i can remember many a time when she'd say , "we'll hang out soon, we'll do this, etc.". yea none of it ever happened. and how about all of those fucking times i sat and listened to her bitch about guys? and has she ever once been there like that for me? the only good thing that came from me being so fucking pissed about it, is that i came up with my new years resolution - to give up on the people who fuck me over, and walk all over me, and to acknowledge that they mean nothing to me.

    Current Mood: full
    Current Music: Backup Plan - Send Her Seaworthy
    Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
    2:45 pm
    i've got this for you. it's under my finger nails.
    this break has gone alot better than i thought it would. i got to spend time with maria, and last night i got to see alyssa and lauren. the only bad thing was the glue in alyssa's hair, and i do feel really terrible about it. so tonight is the big new years festivities. im going to hang out with britt for a bit today since she isnt doing anything tonight, and then im going to hoffman's party with matt. bri bri is going too and since we never see eachother anymore i hope we get to hang out a bit tonight. carolyn may come, so that would be wonderful. jacki and erin are going and since i can't even remember the last time i actually talked to/hung out with jacki, i am sure i will spend some time with her. this is the first big outing that my mom has permitted me to attend. she is really worried about it, but i wish she just realize that i'm not a little kid, and she can trust me.
    i called emily yesterday on my way out to laurens to try to clear a few things up over her comment she left. it just turned into my being a bitch about how i thought she could of just asked me before she went off like that and acted like a dumbass. oh well, i'll give it some time and if she really wants to talk to me/be my friend she will at least try to apologize for it. that isnt something worth us not being friends, but it is something really fucking dumb of her to do.

    -i swear, this is the last survey for a long time!!
    2003 Survey

    Six things that 2003 taught you:
    1) not too many people have old fashioned courtesy towards others
    2) some secrets should remain secrets
    3) experiencing pain is not always bad, you can learn and grow from it
    4) people will never cease to dissapoint you
    5) it's very rare to find someone who will accept you "as is"
    6) the meaning of "blind ped."

    Six new people you've met or became close with in 2003:
    1) Christy
    2) Tim
    3) Alex
    4) Josh
    5) Kim
    6) Alyssa

    Five things you want to do in 2004:
    1) survive
    2) see alk3 live
    3) learn from my mistakes instead of wallowing in them
    4) not fail any classes
    5) graduate

    Nine personally significant events of 2003:
    1) saves the day with mawweeea
    2) soco with britt and alyssa
    3) joe rhoade's party
    4) breaking up with gary
    5) harrisburg for YAG
    6) maria's party
    7) all of my sleepovers with my girls
    8 summer league games with aimee (and everything else with her)

    Five things I don't want to do in 2004:
    1) be like you
    2) lose the people i care about most
    3) lose my family
    5) get pregnant
    4) be alone

    Six songs that you over listened to this year:
    1) any alk song, espec. off of "good mourning"
    2) thursday - "steps ascending"
    3) saves the day - "you vandal"
    4) further seems forever - "pictures of shorelines"
    5) distillers - "sick of it all"
    6) jimmy eat world - "your house"

    Seven things you truely regret from 2003:
    1) wasting time
    2) being ungrateful
    3) taking my emotions out on the people i care about most
    4) being unappreciative
    5) not being able to go out to CO when my uncle died
    6) wasting my money
    7) not reading enough

    Current Mood: pensive
    Current Music: Acceptance - Seeing is Believing
    Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
    2:01 am
    "The most annoying thing for me to hear about myself is that I'm trying to make people have a pity party for me. Everything that I've gone through has been dramatized by the people who've written about it, not by me. I'm just saying, 'This happened to me, this happened to a lot of people.' Why should I hide shit? Why does that give people a bad opinion of me? It's a reality. A lot of people do it. Courtney Love pulled me aside at a party and showed me her marks."
    -Fiona Apple
    Monday, December 29th, 2003
    11:37 pm
    I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard
    today was a big fucking mess until i was with matt.
    my mom flipped out on the way to planned parenthood because i said she was being an untrusting bitch about new years. and while i was there filling out my paperwork she sat there and stared at everything i wrote to see if i put i was sexually active and that i had std's. god why didnt she just let me go alone. they swtiched my pills, but im not starting them until next month. i went over to matts after that trauma, and we spent most of our time laying around and cuddling. being near him makes me forget about so much. it makes me forget about wanting to cut, which i haven't done in a while. while i was at marias and when she pissed me off over marty i wanted to so bad, and she had her dad's like xacto knife thing sitting there and i wanted to pick it up and grab it and feel the blade pressing down into my arm. into the soft, white flesh. last time i cut on my arm i cut deep enough that the yellowish white fat stuff started pouring out and josh went and made me go to the emergency room. that was so fucking long ago, i had to of been maybe thirteen? i showed matt one of the pictures that josh took of one of my cuts, the star on my hip. i think he sometimes blames himself for it. like he could of had the power to make me stop. i don't think anyone has the power to make another person stop cutting, the cutter must want to stop. it bugs the hell out of me that people can think that by therapy or simply telling someone to stop cutting they can stop. its like telling a crack addict that they must stop doing crack. even if you take away their drugs, they will still find a way to get it. simply saying "thats bad, don't do it" doesnt do a damn thing. for someone to change themselves and get better they must want to get better.
    my mom keeps trying to sit down and have these mother daughter talks with me. i hate when she pretends like she cares. she doesn't. if she cared she won't judge me, or critisize me constantly. she knows that i cut. shes seen the bloody razorblades and the lighters. but she's not once, ever came out and asked me about it. the only time she likes to acknowledge that i have problems is when she talks about the suicide attempt. theres been several of them, but she only admits to one. its like i could stand in front of her with my fucking jugular slit open and gushing out crimson blood, and she'd just ask me to clean it up. i feel like some of my "friends" think like that true. its like its impossible for them to realize that i am fucking sick. im a fuck up. im not perfect like you. i don't have the perfect rich family. my tendencies towards morbid and depressing things arent something i do for fun.

    this was the biggest waste of an entry that just consisted of me rambling about nothing that even matters.

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Current Music: Alkaline Trio - Sleepyhead
    3:41 am
    my hot fucking boyfriend <3

    cliccccckkk that to see how much of a babe matt is !!!!!!!!!
    oh and its from jacki's picture thing, in case your wondering why theres like girls haha!

    Current Mood: awake
    Current Music: the sound of DEGRASSI & insomnia
    Sunday, December 28th, 2003
    10:44 pm
    between the moon and you the lunancy is setting in
    ok lets clear a few things up.
    1. i do find it flattering when people take my ideas, or they decide to check out a band i like, but if your a big fucking poser or a fake bitch, it makes me want to slit your throat. most of the bands i listen to are bands who write songs about people like you and how fucking fake and pathetic you are. and seeing the same fucking surveys in about 10 journals is fucking annoying. at least wait a few days, if not a week or more, before adding it. this isn't to all of you who've done this, and the people who it is to should know who they are.
    2. friends always come before guys. if you put a guy in front of me, i'm no longer wasting my time on you. simple as that.
    3. i hate liars. lies accomplish nothing, and always come back to bite you in the ass.
    4. friendships, as in any kind of relationship, are not one sided. so don't expect one person to do all of the work in them.
    5. girls who fucking deny their sex lives just make themselves out to look more like asses. if you don't want people knowing your sex life, don't tell anyone, or even smarter, don't have sex in high school. people run their mouths, especially in a small fucking town like this. it's just what to expect.
    6. spending every second of your life with your signifigant other makes you lose your friends. no person should be this important to you in the point of life that you are at. It also just gets really fucking annoying.
    7. when the dumb anorexic cheerleader has a fucking hardcore screamo band, as in senses fail, in her info that she's probably never even listened to, there is something very fucking wrong with this world.
    8. when girls decide that when they play in a sporting event, wearing about twenty pounds of makeup, they just look fake. wearing platform shoes, designer clothes, only hanging out with guys from other schools and not reconizing that anyone who isn't "cool" or popular exists also makes you fucking fake. and when you go and say, "well gee i'm not fake or *insert term for stupid bitch who thinks they're awesome*", it just proves how much of a waste you are.
    9. don't ever attend a party, have about two sips of alcohol, and claim that your fucking wasted. grow up you fucking cocksmacks.
    10. when you are say, 14-17, and you're dating someone don't expect to be with that person for the rest of your life. saying " i'll love you forever what's his name" is the most overused phrase in the english language. high school romances rarely last past high school, let alone forever so grow up and stop acting like a sap.
    11. there is so much more to being a teenage girl than lipgloss and boys. you should being learing about yourself, discovering things, and experiencing new things. is it to fucking hard for you to just take a risk and do something out of the ordinary, like say, read a book that could change your life? or explore a side of yourself that your "friends" could consider geeky or uncool. its not soo bad to actually be yourself. try it sometime.

    *this doesn't apply to everyone. and if you think it applys to you, or you think i'm a big fucking bitch who should just shut up and slit my wrists already, instead of whispering fucking stuff about me just ask me(alw1283 on AIM), or my cohort alyse (alyse wild cat on AIM)

    -i'd like to apologize for the people that i've deleted off my friends list. i was fucking with it earlier today and i deleted a few people that i didn't mean to, and i will add you again next time i fix it.

    Current Mood: pissed off
    Current Music: From Autumn To Ashes - The After Dinner Paycheck
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