Oh My Goth!

Subject:	love is the funeral of hearts.
Time:	7:08 pm.
Mood:	calm.
Music:	HIM - Your Sweet 666.

just woke up, took a power nap. im waiting to here from sasha. im going with her to pick up annette at work then were going to chill at matt's, im probably going to sleep at his house. today me and sasha got monroes, her is so hot, mine doesnt look that cool. that piercing is completlly painless, it was such a joke, i need to get one more monroe then ill have three top and bottom piercings. it'll look bad ass when my lip is all done. it was weird today i got a call from sean. he wanted me to get drunk with him tonight, but alas i wont be here.. anyways, im going to get ready, im out.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	ok.
Time:	7:33 am.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	Queen Adreena - Pretty Like Drugs.

alright, i've gained composure. i look at it like this, annette, will always own my heart, whether she's with that asshole forever. bryan i feel were the worst person to ever be friends with. i tried so hard to be nice to you, for annette's sake. i honestly gave it my all. and this has nothing to do with drugs, im not going to do anything i do want or make anyone do anything they don't want. i love annette and would never do anything to harm her at all. i just thought us two getting fucked up together, would be like the old days, but bryan being the selfish prick that he has to always be there when we hang out. i feel so alone right now, more alone then i've felt in my lifetime, and i owe it all to bryan, but as i've said so many times before, i will waite for her, time will pass and hopefully she remembers how much i love her. now i've been up all fucking night, i can't go to sleep now, i have to talk to her today, so i get to walk to stop and shop. i don't care at all though. then i get called a violent child, whatever thats suppose to mean, im sorry that im hurt, jealous and upset, i can't deal well with that stuff, thats why im always alone, but feel if i give up, i'll be throwing away the best thing that could ever happen. right now i want to off myself more now than ever, i mean the only reason i don't is because death without her would be hell, life without her is hell but at least i can see her and her voice. love is the funeral of hearts, thank you ~~HIM~~. i mean i wish everything would fix itself, but these things take time, as another thing i've said is she is worth how ever long the wait, i shall remain alone. i wish we could be how were before, how i could i liked her and she'd hin she liked me and it seemed we were the most important to each other. she is to me, but im definitly not to her, courtesy of brian. he'll fucking get his. anyways i just wanted to get a clear thought down that i could read, end of usess entry.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	well?
Time:	1:54 am.
Mood:	artistic.
Music:	Zeromancer - Clone Your Lover.

odd turn of events in the pas hour. matt came by. weird. i mean it was cool, a litle awkward, but we smoked a few cigarettes, i smoked a bong pack. we listened to the new velvet acid christ cd, he didnt know about it. um we talked a little, then after an hour we went for a walk to the end of my street, and talked a little more, just bullshitted really about music and shows and whatnow. all in all, strange. oh yeah, something i forgot to mention ealier, but i told matt about it was, i have boycotted the misfits, ill still have them as interest, and ill go to fiends fest, but i will not wear a misfits shirt unless its the only thing, its just not cool to like them anymore. i mean thats trivial, but they're not as cool as they seemed to be when i was in 9th grade. i dont know. i gave annette a few misfits things, shirts and whatnot. im going to find my danzig shirt so she can have it. so yeah ive been online literally all night, i told netty id be on, im thinkingshes not getting up, but ill wait till i pass out o something. well, im going to go download some death in june.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Time:	12:06 am.
Mood:	artistic.
Music:	Razed In Black - Oh My Goth!.

ok, im bored as fuck right now, apperently someone is still calling matt's house, and of course i get blamed for it, its funny, i was the one person who NEVER called his house, i mean i was there, but i never called hm personally. i always went to his face if i had something to say to him. oh well, i dont even know why we're not friends anymore, probably cause he called me a "plague". but who knows. im sure he wouldnt want to speak with me anyways because of everything else going on. i talked to his sister katie earlier, shes cool shit, im glad we're still friends. im still waiting for netty to come back online, ill be waiting all night at this rate..lol. oh well its worth it. theres not much going on latley, im hanging with sasha tomarrow, i gotta see what annette is doing first, cause if i can see her, i am. not that i dont want to see sasha, cause i do. but when it comes to annette she comes before everything. so my left lip ring is migrating, what the fuck. not cool, at least all i have to do is clean with teatree oil and not take it out.. im deciding for next piercing, and its either going to be a monroe, madison, or widows peak. im think which ever one is cheaper, if i go thatway then a widows peak would be it for 30$. who knows. so i have a job @ michaels, i cant wait to get hours so i can have money to get my tats. im also going to help her with some financial problems. well thats all for now.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	never fall my dear
Time:	5:52 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now.

just got home, and it already sucks, i just got back from red's with sasha, she got a lip ring and a second tongue wing. looks pretty cool. i asked mike how much a widows peek would cost and he said he'd only charge me 30$ because he 's never done it and he wants to be able to put it in his book. so im all about getting that done tomarrow hopefully. before i left i was engaged in a conversation with annette, i dont think things are going well, shes trying to get away from everyone, but i refuse to lose her. as matt once told her i am a plague and plagues just dont up and leave. so maybe in that aspect he as right. i love this girl to death and i refuse to be without her, everything i feel has a certain system, everyones life is planned out by fate and i know from the bottom of my dead heart that we are meant to be with each other, and if im wronge, like i told her thats how i know i was meant to die alone, because i will never be with anyone else, it wouldnt be fair to the other person, cause annette ever told me she wanted to be with me id have to up and leave whoever i was with. she says to not treat like shes glass and act like i like her more than i do, not true, well partially, i mean i love her so much and to me shes as precious as glass, but whe i tell her these things i get called a liar, not always in those words but in some other way. like for example last night she showed me a bruise on her arm that brian gave when they were joking around at the mall, and when i saw that, wheter it was playing around or not, i wanted to kill. he's so lucky she cares about him, cause any other situation whoever bruised my best friend would be paying a very high price. i think my grandparents are hear, i can hear my grandmother playing with the dog, yes definitly here. so im going go.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	ugh.. new computers kick fucking ass.
Time:	5:23 pm.
Mood:	dorky.
Music:	HIM - Right Here In My Arms..

hey, well no more library for me. i finally got my mac online. ive been downloading music all dy, i found penis flytrap mp3's. i never been able to find them before. i spent like 4 days at matt's house, we played resident evil outbreak all four days, im on the last scenario. last night i came home and all i could think of ws annette. when i tried to fall asleep at like 1am i just couldnt, i had too many thoughts on my head, so i decided to write it all down as a note for her, as i wrote i felt id need some inspiration, so i watched the crow as i wrote, that movie still remains a favorite in my eyes. well im going to try to get to stop and shop @ 8 to give her this note, if i cant get it to her by 8 im gonna just bring it to her house, hopefully it'll fix things, she means so much to me, and i feel usless to her.. in other news i got a job, well im 90% sure i do, Michaels called me, its an arts and crafts store in warwick.. and i have to go in monday. lets hope that goes well..

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	my latest email from BN (ex Bella Morte)
Time:	12:58 pm.
Mood:	anxious.
Music:	Jack Off Jill - Covet..

This guy frizzle used to play guitar for them live
before I joined. So really Bella Morte IS Andy and
Gopal.

I got a sneak listen to the new album the other day
and man it sounds great. I think you will be most
pleased when it comes out. You do know about the
preorder contest right? www.bellamorte.com

Sorry to hear about your girl...um..friend. I had a
similar situation once. Except she lived on the other
side of the country and as it turns out we werent
meant for each other in the way I once thought.

You should just call this girl and tell her
"Hey...lets cut through the BULL SHIT!...I am in love
with you...you are/were in love with me...why arent we
together" Fuck this guy brian...doesnt sound like a
great friend really.

I dont know Im horrible at advice but one thing that
my 30 years on this planet has taught me is that life
is short too short to not say exactly what you feel.
Even if she says no...at least you tried and you will
just have to get over it. I know that things seem so
completely overwhelmingly important at times...but you
know what...the only thing that matters is making
yourself happy. Cuz no one else on this planet can
make you happy within yourself. Know what I mean?

Sorry for the sermon there. I just know how sucky
things can seem at times...but you know what..no
matter how bad you have it...you could be bleeding
constatnly from every orafice and somewhere someone
has it much worse than you do. I can promise you
that.

Oh and hey those Emo dudes aint so bad. Indy rockers
really arent that different from goths.

Take care of yourself
Hey man, how old are ya?
Also send me a link to your website sometime

Bn

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	its with you way down, everything came clean...
Time:	12:41 pm.
Mood:	sad.
Music:	Cruxshadows - Cassandra..

hey journal, well yesterday had its ups and downs. the up part was i got an email from bn again with kicked ass, and i got and email from andy too! woo hoo. i cant believe that shit. last night me, john, mark, and melissa went to michaels to get applications, then we decided we wanted parliment light buy1 get 1 free, went to 13 store before we found it at a brooks in warwick. then we went to thayer and did nothing. then at 8;45 i called annette she didnt answer. sad face. then melissa wanted to she if annette wanted to chill, i said she probably didtn considering it was almost 10. by the time we got to her house it was like 10;10. i didnt want to knock cause i had a feeling she'd get mad or annoyed and i didnt want that, so mark went and knocked, her grandparents told him she went out walking, which doesnt make sense, where would she be walking at 10;30 at night, i suggested mobile went there, they werent there. so i dont know if netty is avoiding me or what. i must admit that the last few times ive seen her shes acted like she didnt want me there, like when we were down town, its like one of those "oh hey, its you" things. it used to seem like she'd be happy to see me, like her mood changed, now her mood still changes but now it seems for the worse, its like "ok i have brian, we'll never be together, go away". now she didnt say that or anything, but its the impression i get. but i still stick by my story, her and i a meant to be together. i know her and brian arent going to work, he'll fuck it up. well i dont know whats going on today, i wanted to see annette but its doubtful. anyways, burn the flag with fag.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	fuckfuckfuck
Time:	2:55 am.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	Bauhaus - Kick In The Eye..

ok, last night i went to annettes. we didnt really do much her and brian acted like super couple and that killed me, but i didnt mention it at all. they were shooting a bb gun outside. we went in and annette bought weed offf her brother i think im not sure. then she started fall asleep and brian was playing star ocean, thats one of the only rpg's i enjoy. then i went home and watched wronge turn, it was ok, nothing special. then i listen to entire sexless demons and scar album. woke up at 2 came here. i wish i knew how make annette realize that her and i should be together, i mean i know its meant to be, maybe not right now but it is meant, and i believe that as much as i think i do, then im going patiently wait until the time is right.i love her more than words can even describe, but i know brian is going to fuck it up. and if he hurts her in any way he is going have some shit pay.
anyways, im going to get the fuck out of here. this place sucks...

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	ahem..
Time:	2:22 pm.
Mood:	bitchy.
Music:	Jack Off Jill - Everything's Brown..

hello all. well this mat be my last entry. my life has withered down to me, just me, only me. the one person i love, who i thought loved me has chose to go in another direction. things between us will never be the same, its not her fault, my ex girlfriends, like to talk shit about me to her,appearenlt im dishonest. but hey if shes going to to go by what they tell her than maybe it wasnt meant. until the day i die i will stick by the fact that i feel we belong together. and i will always love her. but if she never wants to be with me what can i do, only thing i can do is wait, and hope i guess. but as far as me and brian are concerned, if i see him ill be civil, but in no way would i call everything waterunder the bridge with him and i. and let me just say this. marissa you little fucking lying bitch, someday someone will give you what you deserve, you put that shit on my journal cause you knew annette would read it, and for that karma will be a bitch to back, and erin, actually im not even gonna say, words cant explain how much i despise you. between the both of them they've ruined any chance with annette i ever had. anyways, in light of all this, i guess im moving, no reason to stay annette is with brian, and i cant be around them together, and there always together, so i get cancelled out., yay for me. go eric.. your a loser, you have nothing, never will.. annette doesnt want you... oh that was my happy song.

5 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	grrr.
Time:	2:53 pm.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	Bella Morte - As Night Calls..

fuck. this whole thing is still raging onward. so as it seems, annette is still with brian, i mean last night "his sister was going to pick him up" suure. of course not, i really hate to sound like this but i do everyday anyways, it just seems wronge seeing her with anyone else, especially someone who i considered a close friend, the one person i really sincerly care about gets ripped away from me. and it seems so not fair. but everytime i tell her how much i love her, and how important she is to me, she'll just tell me she wants to believe me. then she'll say shes not going to make a decision, and just keep on going the way things are, and i told her by her doing that, its just her trying to say she wants brian without actually saying the words. but then she realized that, she said she'd have to, and im honestly afraid, because i really dont want to lose her, and i know, i know for a fact that i will, thus, hences me to go to fucking florida... and now im waiting for her sleepy ass to get online.. lol. fuck me. in other news i just got an email from ex bella morte guitarist bn, and he's a really cool guy, it seems he's go a new band called the screams. im going to check that out. anyways im just going surf around till someone worth talking to comes on. later.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Time:	8:26 pm.
Mood:	crappy.
Music:	Android Lust - Slice of Life..

hey journal people. well not much has changed. everything still seems to suck, i mean if she chooses brian, i will be happy for her, i want her to be happy, but if she does choose him ill have no choice but to movfe to fla with my grandparents, i just cannot view this anymore, geez, love stinks.. j geils band..lol. not to sounds hasty or anything but i always felt we belonged together, from day one. oh man, i wish i told her earlier. i wish i could tell her then what i have now. but life's like that, a mother fucker. anyways, in other news i saw dawn of the dead the other night, it sucked. probably if it didnt sucked i would have said the same thing just cause annette wasnt with me.. oh poo..

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
Time:	12:40 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	Clan of Xymox - Jasmine and Rose..

ok. now i have officially reached rock bottom. brian, i hate you now more than i ever thought possible. i know what you've told lindsey about you and annette. just hope, for your sake it's not true. annette, me and you seriously need to talk, our friendship is on the line. im going to call stop & shop @ 8:30. i really need to say what i have to say, it may seriously be our last conversation, who knows, all i know is i havent shed a tear in like 4 years, but when i went to bed last night, i did, i begged to any higher power to please dont allow me to wake up, i cant keep being lied to by my best friend. and i love how on saturday night annette tells me that on sunday shes going to sleep all day and miss hanging out with everyone, but yet when i call brian's house, where is he??? OH YEAH HIS GIRLFRIENDS, my best friends. fuck this shit, i've made a huge decision change in this florida thing. now im not being forced to anymore, im just wanting now. i refuse to get my fucking heart broken another day being around her, and that fuck. netty, if you read this, this is the last attempt, you know i love you, and its more than that best friend love, i your the only one i ever really cared about. if you dont want to believe me fine, if you think ~~brian~~ can make you happy, then fine fuck me, but netty best friends do not lie to each other. anyways, i dont get a hold of you at work, and you do read this, please call..
im gonna end this now. i love you annette...

-eric;

6 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	if you 2 are dead, 3 can keep a secret..
Time:	9:23 pm.
Mood:	cold.
Music:	Bella Morte - The Metro..

sitting here at netty's. just hanging around, brians playing some game and netty is rolling a joint, in like 2 months, im getting shipped off to florida, totally fucking my nyc plans. arg this is gay, and nobody quite understands how fucked i am, im on the verge of getting arrested, i still 4 months of this tutoring shit left and i;ve still accomplished nothing, everythings gone array. i might has well just kill myself and get it over with, i mean me living is almost meaningless, gah fuck it whatever. im out.,

-eric;

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	oo la la +
Time:	8:44 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	Bella Morte - Christina..

well, im at netty's now, and shes on the phone. im all alone :[ ugh, todays just another mediocore day. nothing special, im just chillin with annette. at least im not miserable when i hang out with her. fuck man, i got arrested the other day for some bullshit *recieving stolen goods" thats gay as fuck. i have a court date on one of the bella morte shows, its going to ruin the day, at least i got a lawyer. he better get me out of this, its not like i killed someone. geez. fuck, and i guess brian read my previous entry. sucks, cause it wasnt meant for his viewing, i dont really hate the kid, im just a angry jealous fuck, and need to use an online journal to vent frustrations, ahhh lifes a big game, and i seem to get voted off the island..lol. fuck. now i have to wait to leave this shithole state cause of a court date. my parents i think are making me move with my grandparents, well my dad and grandfather want me to and think are making me, NOOO. fuck that shit. what else? shit nothing i guess.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	it will always hurt you fucking asshole.
Time:	2:33 pm.
Mood:	aggravated.
Music:	Jack Off Jill - Star No Star..

brian, i hope you fall in a black abyss and never come out. you fucking suck and i hate you. and i dont give a fuck who reads this. you know its one thing if you say you dont want to chill, and its another thing when you say you need to talk in private with someone, but to say that and have that person spend the night is fucking hurtful.
that sucked man, you tell me one thing and do the completly other, and just for the record, if brian is going to the hell show im not. my life sucks because of you brian. i totally know how lindsey feels, she thinks annette came into brians life and took him from her, well my dear friends its the opposite, brian came into my world, destroyed what he can, an stole the one person i love & my best friend, some friend. and another thing that sucks is annette's birthday tomarrow and im going out in a little while to go get a few things for her, and i'd bet my life i wont see her cause of fucking brian. all i have to say is this in closing, brian.. i dont care how you think you feel, you will never feel for her, like i care for her... fuck off.

4 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	and in the mourning.. there is nothing left.
Time:	1:59 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	Scarling - The Last Day I Was Happy..

hey hey. note: i hate everyone and everything, with the exception of annette and bella morte. well, theres a few mor, but fuck that right now. last night i chilled with annette. when i got to her house she was on the phone with brian, and i could hear she was getting pissed off. not only was brian on the phone, so was lindsey. and i guess lindsey was being a total cunt, and i swear i will get all of them back. lindsey is a a piece of shit, i always thought she was cool up until that day in newbury comics. so after annette hangs up, she comes in the hallway where i was, and we went and sat in her backyard for a few minutes, then we went inside and i gave her a bunch of shirts, the murderdolls cd and some other stuff. thenn, we smoked a blunt waiting to see if brian was going to get there. well we started walking to try and meet up with him, which i sought to be pointless, not like i hadany desire to have my night ruined by him. but anyways, carly and ashley (ugh) drove by with brian in the backseat. we chilled for a second and talked with them, then we started the walk and the downfall of my night. went back to annettes, dont quite remember what we did at that point i was already wanting to leave. but we sat around... oh yeah, john van veen, melissa, mark and melissa all came by for a few miuntes. well billy seemed pissed to see everyone, i dont know what was up with that. anyways, well, when they left annette, ~~brian~~, and i all went to the store down the street. we got food. thenwe were waiting around. i got the impression that she was sick of me being there. i don't know really. im probably wrong, but all i know is i do not, repeat do not want to hang out with brian. well before i departed, annette gave me half of note, that i was supposed to read when i got home. well when i got home, i read it. and in response to that, i say annette. i dont know what else i can say, i want you to get online so i can tell you. i wrote half a note back, and i'd much rather just tell you. this hane gone on way too long, i just want to talk to you about thisn one last time. doesnt matter when. you should come online in the next half hour. thats how long i have left on this crappy computer. dammit. i suck. but anyways this is way too long now... annette if you come on and read this and im not on AIM wait like 20 minutes... then call me.. i still wanna watch matrix 1 & 2.

-eric.

Until I ~~Cry~~