Oh My Goth!

Subject:	:[
Time:	1:55 am.
Mood:	cranky.
Music:	The Nomads - Im Not Like Everybody Else..

well today was just simply uneventful. matt came by and this dude chris came by and we just talked and smoked cigarettes on my porch. then annette called me, and we were going to try to chill, but she never called me back or came by so that was that. my dad and sister gave me my birthday gift. i got matrix revolutions, vampire clan, and enter the matrix for PS2. which is awesome. now i need my mom to give me money so i can get an outfit and go to bella morte on the 13th. tomarrow morning i have court at 9am. its going to suck, hopefully i dont go to jail or something. that would blow, going to jail the day before your 18th birthday. oh well, knowing my luck, it will. fuck i wish annette was online. :[

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	he awoke,.
Time:	1:42 pm.
Mood:	bitchy.
Music:	Current 93 - Gothic Love Song..

yeah so i just got up about 10 minutes ago. i feel like shit wicked bad. i had an odd dream, im gonna try to explani it,. it started off me calling annette at work and i asked her what she was doing..blah blah.. then i was in the woods with nate and mark and its wicked dark out, and we hear wolves so we start running back down the path, and i tripped but it seemed like i landed on my front steps. and matt and his sister we at my house eating paste and ice cream..lol i dont get it. but all in all i woke up. woke up to this ::looks around:: same pityful waste as yesterday. i hope i talk to netty today :[

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	well
Time:	11:57 pm.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	Talking Heads - Burning Down The House..

for like 3 days i've been sleeping at matt's house, being in johnston chillin with him and and getting away from my cranston problems have been great, downside i havent talked to annette in days, i get the feeling she wants to keep it like that, i dont know why but i do. past few nights ive tried to not think about her and this whole thing, but i cant, she means way too much for me to just "forget about" like everyones telling me to. fuck it. fuck me for sucking. i dont feel complete without her, and its not like i could even move on, i'd only be thinking about her. god damn this is what i've whittled down to, sheer and utter nothingness. in other news mark is back from florida, thank christ. hopefully we can resurrect the band and restart. i fucking hope so. but as all things in my life, it odds are will fail

2 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	hey.
Time:	12:15 pm.
Mood:	distressed.
Music:	The Church - Reptile..

ugh, i just got into it with my dad, about how life is worth it, and going to florida with my grandparents will make me feel alot better. what he and no one else gets, is there is only one person who can make me happy and she pretty much told me to fuck off. i guess solitude comes with this lifestyle. i guess i am cold hearted and arrogant, but why is that my fault, i cant helpthe kind of person i am. but shes made it clear to me that she'll never want me, so i guess thats that. i've been up since 8, i couldnt stop coughing, my nose is all stuffed, and im coughing like 4 times every 10 seconds. it sucks. i just called annette, she's busy and said she'll try and call me back. i don't expect her to, but who knows. anyways thats all for now.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	...
Time:	10:37 pm.
Mood:	morose.
Music:	Blacktape For A Bluegirl - Across A Thousand Blades..

today started off as complete suck. i chilled with sash most of thr day, at one point matt came by and we went to east to see some kid, or something. on the way down to the school, i run into rob fucking conway, i havent seen him since the summer. we met up sasha, went and picked up, then we went to matts to smoke, but theni remembered i told matt p id come by and say whats up, so we left matt to go smoke, but when we called him back he said he couldnt chill, so went to my house and smoked in my back yard. sasha told me that om full of angst? i wonder, is she right? do i? and if so, so what? fuck i dont care that much. well do i?

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	....
Time:	7:41 pm.
Mood:	aggravated.
Music:	The Cramps - Strychnine..

where to start?...
last night me and annette had a rather long talk which made things sound like they were going to get better. but i was completely wrong. anyways, she was going to get a tattoo today, and she blatently told me that it was a me and her thing, she failed to mention that brian was going to come along. well i walked all the way to her house, and everything was cool, we looked at clothes, watched bella morte videos, and talked, but then she tells me brian is going to go with her to the bella morte show at hell, and that he's on his way over. at that point my mood changed completly. then 5 minutes later he gets there and i just sat as i always do when he's there, and said nothing. then she was starting to the anti-eric talk, without actuall saying it. how she can't have fun anymore, cause im miserable. so she said she was going to let me and brian take the bus home, (as if he'd leave) and she was going to do something by herself. so i got and said i'll make it easier and just leave now. so i got up and left. i then waked 15 feet down street before she came out and he started talking, and again i get labeled as asshole again, because i "didnt get my way". its not that, i can't have fun at all if he's going to be there. so i just figure its best if i leave. i dont want to make everyone else miserable, so im the martyr and i leave. i walked towards mobile, turned around and started walking toward dyer ave, then i turned around again, and doug drove by and offered me a ride, so i gladly took it, he brought me home and gave me a few cigarettes which was wicked cool of him. i dont care he's cool. so now im going to just wait for netty to come online, and see what happens now, im sick of this game. you cant have your cake and it it too.

3 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	help..
Time:	11:32 pm.
Mood:	angry.
Music:	London After Midnight - Spider and Fly [acoustic]..

ughggghhghghghh FUCK EVERYONE. why does this shit have to always happen to me.? i just love someone i didnt muder anyone. i havent done anything wrong. everyone feels so bad for fucking brian, why? no one cares about my fucked up relationships, "its your fault" thats what people tell me, whatever, im costantly on trial for bullshit. and i almost wanna blow my fucking brains out with whatever i can find... im soo not caring right now

2 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	a dream of your kiss.
Time:	5:21 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	London After Midnight - Your Best Nightmare..

matt just left. im bored. sasha is coming by soon, i wanna see annette. im talking to her now.
no word from NP police, thank god. i get myself in too much trouble. i hope i get to do something today, im so bored. i wanna see netty :[ i dont think she wants to see me. oh bother. :[

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	ick.
Time:	3:20 am.
Mood:	crappy.
Music:	London After Midnight - Hate!.

i feel like shit. so i wake up to a north providence detective at my door this after noon. it wasnt cool, so m probably getting arrested sometime soon again. who knows. i didnt leave my house at all today. sasha chilled with me half the day on and off. she even bought me a pack of stoges & an iced tea, which was beyond cool. then annette called and we kinda got into an argument. and she never signed online. so im guessing she doesnt wanna talk to me tonight, i love how i ruined her life, she cant be happy because of me, and its sad. i suck so much. in non-related news, i got the remaing HIM albums today, and a london after midnight cd. its wicked good. tomarrow no idea what im doing, hopefully ill see annette. i <3 her always.

3 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	new hair.
Time:	7:48 pm.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	The Faint - Agenda Suicide.

so i cut my hair today, looks cool, i dyed it black again. i think i look like 13 year old poser goth chick. lol but anyways, im waiting for sasha to call and come pick me up. we're gonna chill. my grandparents left today, i wanted to go, my grandmother told me i can come whenever i want. so i think im definitly taking her up on that soon,. matt came by today as i was doing my hair, he stayed for awhile. then ron came by, same deal, we just chilled and talked. umm sunday im going to conneticut with ron and sherri to get ghost pics. its going to interesting at the very least. not much has been going on latley. all for now.

7 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	well
Time:	2:15 am.
Mood:	grumpy.
Music:	Samhain - Archangel.

just got home, i was chillin with matt, we just talked and burned cd's. i think annette is mad at me, not quite sure why, i think it may be that i said theres a 50/50 chance i may leave for florida on sunday. but it seems im being asked too much. i mean brian, hes a good kid, but he wants my best friend who happens to be the girl i love more than life itself, and he wants me to stand by and watch it and hang out like its nothing. i dont know about him. annette you know how it is, i love you more than anything, but know she loves him kills me. and i guess thats all.

3 More Lies ; Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	ura fucking loser.
Time:	1:44 am.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	Rosetta Stone - Deeper.

just got home from annettes. bryan was there of course, i probably wouldnt have bothered if i knew he was going to be there, i was under the impression he wasnt but oh well. it was so hard for me to keep a smile on all night. i had fun, but i now know, that she'll never be with me, i have no choice but to move, i cannot do it anymore,im so uncomfortable when we're all together. i feel like im always going to be second to her. and that sucks. i always thought me and would be close to the end, but i didnt know the end was coming so soon. and on top of everything, i lost a gram somewhere, im so depressed about that, losing pot sucks. as far as matts, i didnt leave on time and it got too late to go there, so i called my mom and she came and got me. i hope i didnt drop it in her car.. lol. then id never see it again. i tried to be cool with bryan tonight, i explained im a real bad person to be friends with. and that moving was the only way for me to regain emotional composure. its so damn selfish, but i cant see any other way out of this, she does not love me, she loves him, what can i do? im back up into a corner, and its horrid.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	i stand in the chill of night
Time:	6:08 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	Bella Morte - Remorse.

arg. fuck, just realized, people with piercings are in fact better than people without piercings. but no matter how many piercings i get, i'll always be alone, i know this now, i guess i always did but chose to no except it. i'll never have her, but i'll never stop trying. thats all i guess.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	woo hoo.
Time:	4:18 pm.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	HIM - The 9th Circle.

so i just got back my interview at michaels, it went pretty well, i had to take a 90 question test, it was so easy. the chick who is hiring me, sandra, is really cool. she doesnt even care about piercings, all six of mine. and im now talking to matt, i guess im not sleeping at his house. just hung up with matt. anyways, last night was.. eh. i talked to brian, and annette, the conversation had its high and low points. then she just signed off after i told her i was researching painless suicide. which was just that, researching. nothing more, not planning or anything. me and my life havent set a date yet.. : P lol. im so lame. no idea whats going on today, i havent talked to anyone really, cept matt. i guess ill give john a call, see what netty's doing, give billy a call when he get out of work... i guess thats all for now.

Until I ~~Cry~~

Subject:	why is everything i see blurred?
Time:	10:06 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	The Cure - In Between Days.

just got home, slept over matt's last night, ron picked me up today, i went home and took a shower then me and ron went to annette's house, doug was there, which was cool cause i havent seen him in awhile. then that cock brian called and doug just up and left and i dont blame him frankly. we decided to watch royal rumble 93". lol. wrestling was so amusing. then ron was going to leave and i told annette id stay if she wanted me to and she'd didnt really say anything, so i assumed she didnt care, and then we got outside and ron was driving away, she said to me what are you doing he's waiting for you, and i said oh i thought we were going to chill. but i said do you want me to go? and she said she was feeling sick, so i just walked away and went upstairs got my coat, and got in the car, at this point i feel so alone right now, i dont even have a care on what happenes to me at this point. when ron and i drove from annette's we saw billy and the prick walking so i yelled "BILLY!" and waved and then i casually go, "BRIAN GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU FUCKING FAGGOT". i was amused, thats anywhere near what i wanted to do if i saw him. but billy was there and all. the day will come. this is like day 67984 of asking myself if this, she, is worth all the pain and heartache, and my answer is still yes, i dont even have to think about it. i know i could never allow myself to feel for another like this, alas, whatever, i suck bottom line, but even in all my suckage at least i dont wear capes from hot topic. my friends are all doing something else, annette is with "them", ron's with sherry, matts talking to his girlfriend, and mark is in florida. brian, oh wait he's not a friend, he's a meer partical of dust casually and effortless blowing by in the wind, thats how little i think of him and his personality, wait? what personality? brian your personaliity consists, of video games and pot, wooo hoooo. awesome. not.

Until I ~~Cry~~