Blurty for Roz.

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Monday, August 25th, 2003

Subject:Memo To All Employees
Time:3:44 pm.
Mood: enthralled.
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

Time:10:26 am.
Mood: mellow.
Hey, y’know what I’m thinking? No?
You're not alone; I don't either.

Worrying, isn’t it?

Sunday, August 10th, 2003

Subject:Even us rusted tadpoles make istakes.
Time:7:26 pm.
Mood: geeky.
Double posts. Don't know how to delete it. Drat.

I'm not really feeling geeky. I just wanted to know what the little thing looked like.

Time:4:02 pm.
Mood: creative.
I've worked out how to display images! Huzzah! The reason for this will become apparant in an entry or two.

And I've worked out how to link! Double huzzah! Oh the childishness.

Friday, August 8th, 2003

Time:2:49 pm.
Mood: grateful.
And it's a beautiful day outside, so what the hell am I doing in here mucking about on a computer?

Monday, August 4th, 2003

Subject:The performance doodah.
Time:5:04 pm.
Mood: jubilant.
Music:The dope show- Marilyn Manson.
Steve Frost
Jim Sweeney
Richard Vranch
Victoria Somebodyblonde
Ian Somebodyelseweechap (Coppinger, I do believe)

The performance:
I was the first person into the theatre and headed straight for the front row, everyone else who came in seemed to prefer the back seats, but the ushers were having none of it and kept pushing people down to the front. I settled down with my pint of the black and white and started chatting to the couple next to me, when the show started.
Jim Sweeney came onto stage, walking with a cane. This didn’t seem to hinder him much when he was improvising- I’ve never actually seen him in action before but his best skill is his wit, which we got to see throughout the show. He talked to the audience and told us to relax, and warmed us all up by asking for various suggestions. He then introduced the players as they came onto stage.
The first game was Story, which had everyone in it and they told the story of Douglas Bader and the Tongue scrapers. Good game to warm the audience into the idea of contributing. Very funny- and apparently Jim is the chap’s grandson for real. Steve won that game, “For the first time in ten years!” he told the audience. Quote of the game: “And they named a pub after him you see, because you could get legless in it.”
Then we went on to Freezes. I think this was the weakest game they played all night, and since this was actually a rather good game (Jim’s suggestions some of the best here) that just shows the performance was brilliant overall. I was just so chuffed that they took my suggestion for a starting pose; teapot, or as Steve said “A seagull coming out of the library with a load of books.” But since I was in the front and fairly prepared I got in quite a few suggestions through the night. Quote of the game: “I thought I told you to put that hamster back in its cage!”
The next game was Film and Theatre styles for Steve and Victoria. Another one of my suggestions was used here. A place where two people work in close contact? A vasectomy clinic! We got Film Noir, Hammer Horror, strange confusing movie, musical, Bollywood and a few others. Absolutely brilliant to see Steve jumping about the place while singing “Cutting off the Prince’s testicles! Cutting off the Prince’s testicles!”. Quote of the game: “Cutting off the Prince’s testicles!”
I may get the next few games jumbled up. But I think the next game was Expert translation with Ian and Richard. Ian was the expert from B______ (I can’t remember, but it sounded made up) and his subject was sheep shearing and hats. This was good and Richard showed that he can actually be quite wacky and inventive when it comes down to it. Quote of the game:“And I loved, and her name was, Flossy.”
They then did 3 headed expert with Jim asking questions to the 3 heads of ‘Dr.Johnson’- Richard, Victoria and Ian. The subject was teaching rabbits to throw javelins (My suggestion! I’m sorry; I’ll calm down and grow up in a.... while. Maybe.) it was great watching Richard, Victoria and Ian trying to keep it together when they were asked to tell a joke.
Following that we had Changing Emotions with Jim and Ian at the Fairground (My suggestion! Ahem. Sorry.) We went through (and I know these are mostly out of order) fear, lust, rage, constipation, hysteria, greed, paranoia, suicidal, envy, contented, pride, frustration and many more. And yes, I know you’ll be sick of hearing it, but several of those were mine. I’m proud of the constipation one. Steve’s comment: “Now that is a motion rather than an emotion, but we’ll try to do it anyway.” Jim: “We?!!? You’re not even in this scene!”
Quote of the game: Steve: ”Suicidal.”
Ian: ”I’m going to go on the wall of death, and not strap myself in. I’m going to take a few knives and my gas oven too.”
Steve: “Envy”
Jim: “At least you’ve got an oven.”
Steve: “Contented.”
Ian: “Yes, I’m quite happy I have that oven.”
Steve: “Pride.”
Jim: “Well, I’ve got a microwave.”
(I’ve missed out the ‘Freeze’ that Steve said before he asked the audience for another emotion.)
Second quote of the game (’cause this was my favourite game, after all.)
Steve: “Paranoia”
Ian: “Do you think there’s someone following us? When you’re coming down this ride you can never see if there’s someone behind you or not.”
Jim: “Well I’ll be able to see behind you if we sit facing each other.”
Ian: “Good idea. Can you see anything?”
Jim: “Oh my god.”
Ian: “What? What?”
Jim: “All the teddy bears on the rifle range are holding up little placecards with your name on it!”
Ian: “Oh god. Oh god, why did my parents have to call me ‘Prize?’”
The last game was Different Voices in which everyone’s voice was supplied by another player. Steve did Ian’s (big & booming), Ian did Victoria’s (Gaffer), Victoria supplied Richards (high mothering), Richard did for Jim (teen boy) and Jim for Steve (crazy old man). And the scene was again taken from yours truly. An explosion. So the reactor was about to explode and we had a delightfully chaotic scene. Quote of the game: “Shut up! I’m yelling shut up without moving my lips or looking at the person I’m talking to, but he’d better bloody shut up! I don’t care if he’s not talking, he’d better shut up!”

When Steve took suggestions he tended to go for the most interesting but Jim took the first thing he heard, or the thing he could hear the clearest, which is why I got in a lot of ideas.
None of the games were actually introduced by name- a performer would say “In this next game...” or “We need a _____ from this side of the audience. And a _____ from that side.” Or they’d take one suggestion and start doing a scene, and in the first pause of the scene the person explaining would say what was going to happen. “In this game they’re now going to have to change their emotions ...etc.”
Richard is as good an improviser on stage and talking as he is at whipping up some music at the drop of a hat. He did supply music in F&T and CE and we did actually get some songs out of Victoria, Jim and Ian. I don’t think Steve jumping around the stage jabbering about testicles is really a song. Is it? Jim’s dirty love song was easily the best.
I think the strongest performer, though they were all good, was Jim. Wit impresses me the most, though the best physical comedy came from Steve who produced a good few one liners too. I think Victoria was slightly weaker than the other four- still good, but not as. But hell, cracking show.
The line up is going to change pretty much every night, so if I went again on Tuesday I might see Steve Stein and Andy Stewart. Greg is due to materialise on the 7th or 11th (I forget which.) But then, good variation does mean every show will be very different, and working with different people is important. *Glares at DL? producers*
I’ve just picked up the review from the local paper: the reviewer went to the Friday night show and gave it four stars and his main complaint was that the ‘tiny audience’ had such ‘slow-motion’ wit. But then, if there’s no one around who knows how the thing goes, or has never experienced impro before, what do you expect?

Thursday, July 17th, 2003

Subject:Blame the man!
Time:4:27 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:Big toes- Ryan Stiles.
Sorry no update for a piece- went home for a week and the home PC is shite. Now in the state of moving into the flat and finding a job- the regularly scheduled programing will return sooner or later.

Thursday, July 3rd, 2003

Subject:Wakey wakey? There's a good bunny...
Time:2:06 am.
Mood: high.
Music:Something not Alice cooper but not Pink Floyd..
BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go
conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't... I don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote
stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three
hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any
report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.

Sunday, June 22nd, 2003

Subject:Plagarism- does that mean you discriminate against plagues?
Time:2:39 am.
Mood: amused.
Herein follows a public service announcement as stolen from the pen of Ben Elton. 10 points for guessing the character who said them, and where he was at the time.

All right, settle down, settle down. Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentleman. The world is changing and Her Majesties Armed forces must change with it. Consider Britain and it's position in the world today.

At the beginning of the last century just 200 years ago, Britain kept the peace in a quarter of the entire globe. The sun they say never set on the British Empire. Now what have we got? The Channel Islands... The Germans have bought Rolls Royce... All the newsreaders are Welsh, although that may not be relevant. And most foreigners think that the Union Jack is based on an old dress design for one of the Spice Girls.

So what is to be done? Well the answer to my mind is very simple. If we are to re-establish our position in the world, the army must return to its traditional role, the very reason for which it exited in the first place. We must invade France.

No No, No No I'm serious. Our advanced guard of Mad Cows has already done a superb job. And the French are in disarray. Now is the time for actual occupation. Now you may say why France? Well that's a very good question. But I can think of three reasons.

Firstly whenever we try to speak their language the sneer at us and talk back to us in English. God they are so irritating. Secondly they deliberately won the world cup by maliciously playing better football than us. And thirdly, simple political strategy, look at the history books whenever Britain fought the French we were top dog.

For 500 years from Agincourt to the Battle of Waterloo, Britain went from strength to strength and gained the greatest empire the world has ever known. The minute we start getting chummy with the garlic chewers, within three short decades we're buggered.

Hello obvious connection alert!

So that's the secret, if Mr Blair wants us to be at the heart of Europe, let us simply go to the heart of Europe. Gather together those submarines, which don't leak; prime those rifles, which do not jam. Get the army to Waterloo Station buy 15 thousand tickets on the Eurostar and invade France...

Or, we could just wait for the Euro to drop a bit more and then simply buy the place. It?s just a thought sir, just a thought.

Monday, May 5th, 2003

Subject:I don't as a rule do quizzes, but...
Time:4:34 pm.
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?

What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, February 12th, 2003

Time:5:58 pm.
Anybody any good at writing reading this? See, I'm trying to write something, and I've sort of got it plotted out and worked out a few jokes. I don't write like normal people do. So if anyone wants to have a look and give me a hand or anything...

Thursday, January 23rd, 2003

Subject:I've had an argument with my friend
Time:12:33 pm.
Mood: sick.
Music:My own worst enemy- lit.
The girl who doesn't get hangovers has one. Why was I smoking last night? Why? *bashes head on desk* Had two baths last night trying to sober up (slept for an hour or two) chest feels funny and it feels like I can't get enought air. More evidence for the theory that you feel like hell if you smoke and drink. I brought up lots of yellow gunk this morning (I don't remember any yellow drinks, or clear ones for that matter) and my throat feels liek a hedgehog with a vengence has crawled down it and shat in ym stomach. Urgghh.

Monday, January 20th, 2003

Subject:I may be gullible, but at least I have my magic fish
Time:2:41 am.
Mood: indifferent.
Batting about again- told myself I wouldn't go there no matter how bored I got. I've been sitting reading complete drivel for ages, and I just cannot bring myself to post any sort of response to them. Why torture myself? Is there really any chance of finding a gold nugget amongst a heap of shit? *sigh* Well, off I go to pan again. But I suppose it'll be best if I take a clothes peg with me.

Blurty for Roz.

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