Jess

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22nd December 2003

2:27pm: really good quote
Don?t ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs
is people who have come alive.
- Harold Whitman
2:20pm: I went from writing multiple times a day, to not writing at all. Thats weird of me. My sister and I went to see Mona Lisa Smile yesterday, and we bonded. I'm really glad she is finally at the age where we can be best friends ... and we are. I can really talk to her about things, and she loves me anyway. lol.

What makes a friend ? I've been thinking about this alot today, and i guess it'll help to write about it. Is a friend just someone you care about or does it have to be more than that? Does there have to be a connection there, like a chemistry kinda. I guess i decided that a friend is someone that you just care about and enjoy spending time with some, but a best friend is when there is that connection, that chemistry.
-----mom is yelling at me to come upstairs, be right back ---------
OMG ! I just got completely reemed. I knew i did a very stupid thing, but i didn't think it would deserve that kind of yelling. Wow. See, this morning i was going to pick up michelle from her friends house, and my dad had parked behind me in the driveway. Well, no one ever parks behind me, so i didn't look - yeah, you guessed it, i hit his truck. DUMB , i know. Well, my dad did the same thing last year to mom's van, so i knew he would understand and not get too mad. Wrong. He just blessed me out. OMG. He said it wasn't because i hit his truck it was because how fast i must have been going. Well, i was just backing up and he was just 4 feet behind me, I wasn't going that fast. I got this whole lecture about how stupid i am and how bad of a driver i am and how i drive to fast - granted i do sometimes drive to fast - but how can you speed in your driveway ??? The whole thing lasted forever in the front yard where EVERYONE could hear him. He even said that I was lucky I haven't killed any kids in the neighborhood and that I was sposed to be more mature than this and blah blah blah. Well, i just stood there and let him yell , fighting tears. Then when he left i went back inside and sat down in the den and i just couldn't help it. The floodgates just opened up. So i ran down to my room so that no one could have the satisfaction of seeing me cry. It was one of those cries that hardly ever happen, with the sobbs and the hard breathing, it was awful. But i just couldn't stop. It was like a weeks of frustration and hurt just came out and it took a stupid incident like this to do it. I knew that i could only handle so much. Then my mother came down here to tell me she and grandmommy were leaving. She didn't even care that i was so upset. Told me that it wasn't that bad, and to get my feelings off my shoulders. GOD. I was crying so hard that i couldn't talk and she tellls me to get my feelings off my shoulders ! UGH ! She just didn't care. She didn't even give me the chance to explain that it was about more than the stupid accident reeming I got, it was about everyhting. It was about that i hate being home and i really don't like my family (cept Katie) and I just wanna go away back to school and never ever come home again. I would have given anything just to be able to talk to her about it - i used to could talk to her about things. SO after she left my room i cried even harder because of her. Wow. i guess it had to come out sometime.
Well, sorry i didn't finish my discussion about friendship - i got kinda sidetracked. My mood is completely shot for the day and i have a headache from crying so much. I hate being home. I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes i worry about myself.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: silence

20th December 2003

12:48am: X
I just got off the phone with my ex-boyfriend. We talked for a freakin 2 hours ! And, to tell you the truth, it was kinda nice. He apologized for the crude comment he made to me on the phone the other day, and he apologized for dissing one of my good friends here recently. I never told him that it was ok, but, i have to respect the fact that he tried to make it right the best way he knew how. We actually had a conversation and caught up on things. We talked about everything thats been going on in our lives, and i actually told him personal things, and he told me some personal things. Wow. I hated him a week ago, yesterday even, but when he called i just answered and talked. It wasn't hard. It would have been hard to not answer. Thats bad. It kinda felt like the past 2 months didn't exist, like he still cared, and nothing bad had happened between us. He told me he is still in love with me. I didn't tell him the same. But, it made me feel kinda good. I deperately want to be loved, but i don't want to use him just because he thinks he is in love with me and i know i'm not in love with him anymore. But, it might be fun. Thats bad. I shouldn't think like that at all. He told me he wanted to see me early next week when i get ungrounded. We actually talked about being alone together, man, we used to have the BEST alone time - if you know what i mean. And, its gonna be really hard to come up with a reason to not go to him just once. We agreed that it would just be for fun with no strings attached and we agreed no sex, thats to intimate if its gonna be just for fun - plus that would really complicate things. This could really put me in deep shit. Or it could really just be fun. What to DO, WHAT TO DOOOO ? I have really missed him in ways, but then i was gald he was gone in ways too - i don't know. I know that we will never end up together forever, even though i used to think we would. But, it would be really really easy to be in love with him again, just because its comfortable and natural and easy and instinct for me - I guess he would be, since, really, hes the only real relationship i've ever had, and it lasted 5 years, really, 5 years. I thought i was completely over him. I am completely over him. Everything in my heart is saying to go for it and just make out and up at the same time - but my brain is saying JESS STOP ! NOW STOP ! BAD DECISION ! which one do i listen to? My friends would come shave my eyebrows off in the night if they knew i was even thinking about going within 5 feet of him. But, it could be our little secret. NO, thats wrong, if i have to hide it then that means its not good for me. Oh my. I just don't know what to do about it, i guess we'll just see how it goes this weekend and maybe , well maybe not, but maybe. Who knows ?
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: I want to fall in love by Good Charlotte... funtimes

19th December 2003

4:55pm: Frustrated with this
I am grounded. My parents are so absurd. Whats the point? I think they just like trapping me in here, they don't like my friends, except britt, and, so, they use anything they can to keep me locked in. Maybe they like the controll - they dont have it when i'm at school, so they like to take advantage of it when i'm home. I don't know. Who gets grounded for not showing their unconditional love through actions such as cleaning up everyone elses messes without being asked, isn't that stupid? He said some really really hurtful things to me, like, wishing i never came home. And that hes dissapointed in the person i have become. Then he told me to get out of his sight and slammed the door behind me so hard that the house shook. That was a very hard very distraught very suicidal night. It was not fun, but I'm better now. I don't know how I got to this from being mad about being grounded, but i guess it needed to come out. I hate being here so much, i would pay someone with my life to come kidnap me and get me out. Maybe i am just as selfish as he says i am, but i like to think i'm not. I have always thought i was a pretty decent person who would do pretty much everything she was asked to do for anyone who asked her. I am a good friend, and I'm a good sister, but i guess i fail miserably in the daughter category. Oh well, I can't win for loosin.
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Eva Cassidy style...its great
12:57am: my results from this stupid quiz
Disorder : Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
--- these people are messed up ! how can i have all of these disorders at the same time? Plus, i read about them, and i really don't think i have these things. Well, i guess it was an interesting thing to do. Wow.
Go here to take it for yourself http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: the hummmm of my laptop .... oddly satisfying

18th December 2003

11:55pm: Justin
WHY AM I SUCH A WIMP ! I have this stupid stupid 8th grade crush on this guy Justin, see i've been admiring him from afar for like 3 months, and i have done nothing but im him a couple times on the internet. I don't know why he intimidates me like he does... i just can't seem to flirt or even talk for that matter. I am gonna be single for the rest of my life. From what i know, this guy is perfect... hes smart and talented and great looking... hes too good for this girl anyway. I mean, i talked to him online, so he knows my screename, and he hasn't imed me once - i always talk to him first. I guess that makes him not interested in me, and i need to get it through my brain and get over it. I would just love to date a nice normal guy. Maybe i just need to "open my door" more than it is, and just chase him.... but i'm really not that type of girl at all. I like to be pursued, and the problem is no guy wants to pursue me. What is wrong with ME ? if anyone out there knows, let me in on it.
Hes just a boy right? No big deal. But MAN, it sucks. I just want to be with someone normal who will like me and care about me, and maybe one day love me. I just want someone to want to kiss me again. I want to be wanted and needed. Is that so much to ask? I mean really.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Remember when - alan jackson, great for my mood huh?
8:40pm: SO BORED
i am so bored. i have done nothing all day that amounts to anything at all. this is the definittion of bored. I would give anything for something to do , i'm not used to this. I'm used to at least having something to study, or something to work on, or someone to work on. I just have nothing. I've read so many books, that now they all look and sound the same, so they bore me. everything bores me. i try to practice, but i can't because nothing sounds like it sposed to. The sounds that come out of my mouth have gone so far downhill since the semester ended, it amazes me. Maybe i am just hindered like britt and chaz said. Maybe just being home bumms me out and makes me not be able to do anything productive. Its probly because i have to close myself up so much so that my family can't really get to me and get me completely down. And when i'm closed, nothing works right. I've already had one major melt down yesterday, and i don't want to have another one. So i have to stay closed up. Well, i guess that means i will just stay bored and useless. Oh well.
Current Mood: distressed
3:30pm: Love
what is love? Everyone wants it. Everyone craves and needs it to be genuinely happy. I'm not just talking about romantic love. I mean parental love, friends that love you, being love by anyone. Is love when someone would do anything for you, die for you even. Or is love as simple as careing about someone's wellbeing and feeling kinda lost if you don't talk to them at least once in a day. Is love sticking around no matter what even if the other person hurts you and doesn't really love you back. Does love come in more than one form? For some maybe yelling and screaming for what they think is you own good is love, maybe thats how they show it. For some, love is a bad word and as soon as it is said they run fast, because they don't understand what love is. But, doesn anyone understand what love really is? People have told me they love me. A friend who really is no friend at all always told me she loved me, maybe to make hersef feel love. A lover who never understood the way i loved him and never appreciated my love always said he loved me just to confirm it - to make himself feel powerful. A childhood friend that is still around always says she loves me on the phone and when i'm leaving her, and i believe her, i think she really does love me. My parents say they love me, but damn, they have a really really messed up way of showing it, but maybe its the only way they know how. What is love really? if anyone out there knows, please fill me in
2:46pm: what a night. I don't really wanna write about it , but i don't have anything else to write about. I just feel really unloved and unwanted. I don't see how a man could make his daughter feel like i feel right now, and then go on about his day like nothing is wrong and laugh and whistle and talk to me like nothing happened. It pisses me off. Well, i have a plan and i just have to be strong and wait it out untill things get better... i can do that. I don't have any other choice really. If i don't, i'll end up even more messed up than i am.

17th December 2003

11:53pm: I wish I had a best friend. I used to think I had one? but, now, I don't know if she really is or not. I can't tell her everything. Hell, I can tell my computer more than I can tell her. I wish I had just one person ? any person ? that just accepted me for being exactly who I want to be?. Someone with no expectation?. Someone that I don't have to be careful around? someone that will stick around no matter what , even if I tell them to leave, to get out of my life, I want them to love me enough to know that I don't mean it? to stick around because they know I need them. I wish I had a person like that in my life. If I did I would try to be the best friend I could be back to them . I wish this person was understanding and listened and gave advice not on what they think they should say, but on what they really feel. I wish I had someone that would hurt my feelings because its what I need to hear, not someone who would hurt my feelings because they want to. I need someone I can tell about everything ? tell them about the sex, the spiritual grief, the change I'm going through, the way my heart hurts constantly? I need someone I can tell everything to, and they just listen and understand because, maybe, they feel some of the same things. I desperately need to be happy. I need to be loved. I need to love. I need all of these things that no one can give me, no one wants to give me. Why not ? what have I done wrong to deserve this? to deserve this kind of misery ? I have always thought I was a good person. I have never really done anything terrible?. I have always been the good girl who would never dream of doing anything wrong ? well, where in hell has it gotten me ? nowhere. Maybe thats it. Maybe I need to start being the opposite of what I was. Maybe I need to make things change. How do I make things change? God, I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore?. I'm lost in myself, drowning in myself? drowning in my own head and my own heart, and no one will jump in and rescue me. I guess it's a scary place, my head and my heart?. Probably two of the most scary places ever? no ones ever really been in there but me, and I had no choice - I still don't have a choice. I'm terrified of myself. I don't know what I will do next, I don't know what I should do next. I'm drowning, dieing, suffocating on my thoughts and feelings. They are a puddle and brown and dirty inside myself. An ocean size mud puddle of me that I'm drowning in, and I don't know how to save myself. I wish someone would tell me how. I wish someone felt this way, and could tell me how they fixed it. I just wish I had someone I could relate to?. That would be here anytime anyplace, I need someone, anyone, please. Help.
Current Mood: depressed
11:36pm: Good morning world. Good morning to a world I can't stand. Good morning to a life I can't believe I'm living. Good morning to a day that will go on forever and not bring anything positive into my life. Good morning to the people that drive me crazy. Good morning to the people that I wish were here to keep my sane. Good morning to a God that I don't know for sure is there. Good morning to the constant feelings of sadness. Good morning to the chilly air that hits me when I force myself to crawl out from under the covers?. I wish I could stay under the covers forever. Good morning to the dreams I will never achieve. Good morning everything. Good morning world.
Current Mood: annoyed
11:35pm: Can't Sleep
It's 12 a.m.,
My head is spinning.
I can't sleep
Because my mind keeps wandering.
As I say a prayer,
I ask myself why I bother.
No one hears me.
I can feel my empty words free fall through the dark oblivion,
A nd I'm just hoping that they'll make contact with some greater being along the way.
This life is too much to handle alone,
But who do I go to for help?
I try to believe that my prayers are being heard,
But there is no presence of anyone but me...
Alone.
I feel like a character from one of Shakespeare's great tragedies.
I could follow the crowd and kill myself,
But how can I do that when I'm not sure of what comes after death.
It'd do me no good to wake up in hell,
And either way... that's where I'm going as of now.
That iss, if there is a hell.
I wish I had hope and meaning in life.
Right now, everything feals surreal,
Like a movie.
I can't even feel my own emotions.
I can't feel at all, everything's numb.
I'm just a walking confusion,
T rying to figure out where I walking to.
Maybe, if I keep walking,
I'll something somewhere down the road.
Until then, I'll just hope that my legs don't give out from under me,
and that the cars whatch where they're going.

- ? Katie Smith 2003
Current Mood: contemplative
11:34pm: December 16, 2003

Boring. That is my life. Boring. I sit around all day and mean nothing to everything in my life that means something to me. I feel like no one gives a damn whether I'm alive or dead. I might as well be dead? I don't accomplish anything and I don't help anyone and I don't have anyone to really live for?. No one loves me more than they are obligated to love me. Obligation. My life is so full of obligation. Obligation to love is the worst thing ever. I love because I am obligated to love. The only people I love sincerely only love me back out of obligation. Its bullshit love. I could die tomorrow and I can count the number of people it would affect on my fingers. It makes me depressed to a point? and it makes me wonder why I even try. Why do I try to live life in a good and fulfilling way? Why not just live how I want to live?. It makes no difference to anyone. I've never really lived? it would be fun to try out life and see how it rides. Living just for me? no one out there to stop me, and the only people I would allow in my life would be those who knew me and loved me for me - no bullshit love allowed. But, I can't do that. I never will be able to. Too much bullshit love holding me down. I hate it? detest it?. Loathe it. I wish someone, anyone, would come into my life and pull me out of it? pull me into their world and teach me how to live life. Take me away and rescue me from this hell I'm in. My father would kill whoever rescued me. Kill them for taking away his power that he disguises as love. He uses love as a word that means power? love to control me? love to keep me under his thumb forever. If someone tried to rescue me? he would kill them, he would kill me?. Maybe not physically kill, but mentally and emotionally kill - he's already more than half way there already when it comes to me. He kills me a little bit more every day. He doesn't know me and he never will. He thinks he does, he thinks he can read my mind and that gives him power. But he can't and he doesn't and he never will. I can only handle this for so long ? and I don't know how long that is. I hope I am stronger than I think I am ? I hope I can hold on until I can get out.
11:27pm: women and men
"Creation of Woman from the Rib of Man: She was made not from his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him; But out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, And near his heart to be loved."

- what a great quote.
I wish that men really thought like this. Because, that is all women really long for out of a guy… to be loved and protected. OHH, if only it were a perfect world.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: none
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