| lost |
[04 Nov 2004|12:47am] |
i'm so paranoid i've scared him off. it was probably saturday. too many people. too many crazy people. maybe i should have made the party smaller... or had them come up sunday for a smaller thing. i don't know. maybe john told him something about what i said or did or something. i don't know. i don't want to scare him off. i really don't. it's not like i'll stalk him if i did, but i really hope i didn't scare him off.
today i had a mental breakdown, i was completely convinced that he'll never talk to me again. so, instead of going super-normal so that i wouldn't, my brain suddenly decided to go super-crazy. like, if i was going to scare anyone, i might as well be actually scary.
i started by a ranting about the election (in the mock election in my school, bush won) and how on the school ballots they only had bush, kerry and nader as candidates, so i just added the socialist party's candidate, Walter Brown, and checked him off as my choice. then, in the percentages and numbers sheet they handed out about who got what votes, they didn't even include the legitimate candidate i had added. they don't like communists in ursuline, i guess. but i ranted on this for like almost all of long-homeroom (an hour) and people were just like "SHUT UP, LIZ! YOU COMMIE BASTARD!" no one likes us communists.
then, at lunch, i stole a huge amount of mustard packets from the kitchen. i told kate my idea of stealing condiment packets all year and hiding them somewhere, and then on graduation, we'd put them all in JB's office. she didn't think it was weird or stupid. she thought it was funny. i needed to try harder. i took most of the mustard packets and squirted them onto a paper bag. i then proceeded to make mustard finger-painting doodles with my right index finger... and then a mustard zen garden with a fork. true, it grossed out vicky and kate, but carolyn thought it was cool, so i needed to try harder again. but i couldn't. i broke down. started flipping out and asking people if i was scary. first i asked vicky. she said yes, and i started crying. right there at the table i started sobbing. it was really bad.
later, after government and journalism, in which i was pretty okay, i went to art. that killed me. i'm walking to art with kate and kathleen, when i meet theresa on the ramp. she jumps out in front of me and tries to stop me, but i just keep walking, so i'm like bulldozing her out of the way. kate and kathleen thought this was funny. when we're on the elevator going upstairs, i do the same thing to kate, and kathleen tugs me backward off the elevator. we stumble around and bump into each other all the way to art class. kate also threatens to bite me if i bump her anymore, and so i bump her and she goes all psycho on my arm: she lets out this like GROWL and launches herself at my arm where she latches onto my sweater and like shakes her head violently. it was rather funny. during class, i'm sitting on the table with kate waiting for mrs. duffy to start the movie on the Met and i keep bumping her over and she keeps bumping me back, and i keep leaning over so she's almost falling down and it's really funny. then we watch the movie, and i'm okay, because its dark and darkness calms me. then for the rest of class i keep making weird noises and jumping up and doing random things and it's so weird because i can't stop.
after school, after i run into ada and take some pictures near my locker, we run into kate, vicky and emily in the senior lounge (read: in the outdoor space between the north building and the arts building that has a couple benches in it.) and i think i just annoy them tremendously. we wait outside for my mom, and then we go and drop off ada at home. i try to restrain my weird in the car, but it's hard, and manifests itself in babbling about the socialist party and how i'm a communist and how america is going down the toilet. and then i get home and i go to sleep because it's dark behind my eyelids and darkness calms me.
|
|
|
[04 Nov 2004|04:49pm] |
"GOD SPOKE TO MOSES THROUGH A BURNING BUSH! GET CLOSER TO GOD! SET GEORGE BUSH ON FIRE!!!"
i made posters with that on it today. i'm going to hand them out to friends tomorrow for them to put on their lockers. if people can have "fo' shizzle mah nizzle" on their lockers, WE can have THIS.
|
|