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mood |
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music |
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carissa whining "HHHHHH" |
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because my computer hates me and would not let me post this last night... pretend it's still friday.
today, was, obviously, friday. i had planned on H and Q picking me up from school. there was much excitement and hubbub surrounding this. my posse planned to accost Q. i feared for him. turns out, Q showed up late. surprise, surprise. kate and vicky had escaped from art class, and carolyn from her class, but they gave up and went back to class about two minutes before H and Q showed up. i was relieved. according to H, Q would have died upon interrogation. caitlin will just have to wait until ring day to do that. natalie and chris were also there waiting with me, but we had to go pick up carissa fast, so we just left.
i still don't understand why we had to go to carissa's school first and THEN go to her house. pointless, if you ask me. but we did. and i was so proud of myself for knowing how to get everywhere. like, i never know where i'm going, because my mom drives me, and i don't NEED to know. but now i NEED to know, and i can do it.
so we're at carissa's house. and we're walking to carvel. and H and carissa are like attached-at-the-hip. and me and Q are walking with like the street's width between us. and we barely talked at all. in the diner, and in the car, we talked more, probably because we had set seats and had to stay in the same area. when we were wandering around there was no "set space" next to Q that i had to sit in, so my freakish shyness took over and i avoided him like the plague. i felt so bad. i wanted to sit next to him and talk to him, but i was so nervous, i couldn't do anything.
as the day went on, i kept getting more and more depressed, and i just felt like crying. i'm not entirely sure why. but i think that also led to my avoiding Q. i didn't really want him seeing me depressed. i almost did break down and cry, sitting on the curb near a yellow metal fence. i just felt so much like curling up and crying on my knees. i just don't know what's wrong with me. i should be happy. i have all the reason in the world to be happy. my school's great, i have great friends, the drama's starting to dissipate, it's my last year, i love all my classes, apparently Q likes me (i still can't fathom that. i mean, WHY? HOW is that POSSIBLE? it's beyond me. it's mind boggling.), but i still get these bouts of depression. at the oddest and most inconvenient of times too. and i joke that carissa and H have bad timing...
i just can't figure out what's wrong with me. and i can't tell my mom yet, because i don't know if it's anything serious that i need help with, or if it'll pass with time, or if i just stick with my friends i'll be okay... i'll give it this weekend. if three days in the woods with carissa can't fix it, i'll talk to my mom. i wish i knew what was wrong.
the only point in the day where i got any happier was when H and Q dropped me off at my dad's house. we're just sitting there in the car for a couple seconds and i'm about to get out of the car when Q hesitantly asks for a hug. in my head i'm like "AWWW!" and i'm so relieved that he said it, because i was paranoid about asking myself, but i wanted to hug him. so i hug him, and from then until i fell asleep like an hour later, my face was stuck in a permanent smile.
and the whole FRIENDS-DATING-FRIENDS drama is still going on. and i can't stand it. everyone acts like i don't have problems. that i'm the fixer, i can do anything. anyone can come to me, bitch to me, ask for my advice, and i'm not phased in the least. not true. i have problems of my own. this random depression thing, for one. or maybe that's the RESULT of everyone coming to me with their problems... but i have worries of my own. my freakish shyness around all males, currently Q. that's constantly on my mind. how can i fix it? what am i doing wrong? what's wrong with me that i can't get over this insane timidity? getting all my homework in on time while juggling a social life is another problem. trying to get over the fact that i actually have friends is another. i'm constantly doubting that people actually like me. and i'm trying to accept that now. but it's hard. and all the drama. everyone's got the drama, but not everyone has like EVERYONE'S drama. i've got people coming to me with their problems, and i'm the kind of person that assimilates other people's problems into my own, and try to fix them for them. like the FRIENDS-DATING-FRIENDS drama. i was barely involved in that, and suddenly it's all my fault. and both sides are bitching to me. and i can't handle that. i know both sides of the story, so neither of them can try to complain about something the other side did that they didn't, and they can't exaggerate. and listening to them do so hurts me, because i love them, and i don't want them to hate each other, and i don't want to have to always defend them to the other side. so liz has problems of her own. and listening to other people's problems adds to her own problems. liz is not invinicible, not matter what people may say. i am human. i am fallible. i am flawed, and i can't always handle everything the way everyone seems to think i can.
and i still want to crawl into that ball and cry myself to sleep. but i'm smiling... i can't stop smiling...
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