||Explicit Samourai - Je Suis
This one's for you..
Helps you understand me and my complexity a little better.. open up to you in a way.
The things I've been spilling here ever since december 2003 are really private, it's my online diary you could say. Besides myself, I guess three people have read it. It's really silly at some times, and ofcourse I just could've deleted those entries but then it wouldn't give a clear picture. Becuz I can be really silly sometimes, daydreamin, frustrated, young. It's part of the cover, just read through the lines and then you'll understand.
But first let's help you out a little.
You're facing someone thaz probably just as complex as you are yourself.
>>Things that boggle my mind at the moment? Alrighty. Let's see, we've got my parents. My mum started a new case against my dad and bailiffs came over to his house to take pictures of all the artworks he's got. They entered all the rooms, including my old bedroom and my dad's own bedroom. If something is dear to a person it's his privacy I'd say. So my dad's kinda frustrated and shocked that my mum did this. According to the last courtcase the goods were divided equally. It's difficult to try'n understand my mum's reasons for me, but she knows how to play me to make me feel bad about myself if I just pick my dad's side. So I try to stay a little objective but it's difficult. Then there's of course the distance. My dad lives a 2.5 hour trip (by trains and busses) away from me, my mum a 1.5 hour trip. It's not like I can just stop by for a little while, takes up way too much energy. Also becuz my mum is still with the guy with whom she cheated on my dad. Believe me, I've been in the strangest divorce case I can imagine myself. As if I was living a filmscript myself. This guy was a criminal, with drugs and all that. My mum once came back hiding at our place after the police had raided their house. But thaz three years ago. Thing is, both my parents are intelligent people, and they were happy together. So thinkin about all thaz been happening still raises my eyebrows. I have difficulty accepting my mum's boyfriend's presence in my life so thaz what makes the distance and all that even more complicated. (I'm loyal to my dad, always will be)
With my friends it's the same. My best friend lives near my dad's. And I've got two friends livin in Rotterdam, takes an hour to be with them, but we all've got our own lives. Here in Utrecht I've got a lot of male friends, but they've got their own lives and we connect a little diffrent (it's not THAT deep). My classmates are cool though, but these friendships need to grow a little more before I can really judge 'em.
>>So let's continue. My education is a struggle itself. It takes up a lot of my energy and I'm not sure if I recieve enuv output. I didn't continue the university programme for nearly the same reason: boredom. I need to be challenged, I've been lazy with studying all my life. Most of my past exams I passed using logical reasoning. I can react quickly when information is passed to me. I can talk and make myself start thinking while I'm talking already. I won youth debates, city debates, been on local tv. But my strength is also my weakness, sometimes I react too fast, I link certain aspects too quick and talk too much. If your blurting out so much information, try'n summarize it to its pure essence. I manage but I use too many words..
Okay but this education: writing for performance. They want us to write without planning this period. This means I'm rolling over the floor with my eyes closed and sprouting sounds rather than words. It's so incredibly extravert and introvert altogether I close up. While it should open up my senses I feel attacked, it doesn't help my creativity, it blocks it. I never plan my writing but this feels somewhat rediculous.
>>Something else I'm facing: egocentric people. This world's grown to be a breeding spot for egocentric people. Even my own friends and family have become victims of it, maybe I even have myself. It bothers me to see people make decisions which only make them profit. Knowing somebody else'll be hurt. That sux. It really does. "Everything can be broken" when it cdomes to relationships, careers, I shiver when hearing this.
I can tell people also care less about what another person has to share with them. Even my own friends. Everybody wants to talk, nobody cares to listen.
Monogamy seems somewhat out of fashion and I feel a lonely warrior when it comes to things like this. I've learned so much about how people work over the past years that it scares me. For example: just the other day this guy declared love to me. I told him he was not being fair. He was lonely, he just wanted some sort of comfort. It being me or another girl. And he was like "No! But I don't want to fight over a girl who likes somebody else.." trying to make me feel challenged by this. But I told him "Maybe part of you'd want that, but you're not ready for any type of relationship. You just want sex, you need to boost your ego, you said so yourself." Then he started about him being selective and I told him something he had told me the other day about a girl that had declared love to him and he had rejected, while he had tried to seduce her over the past five months. And guess what he said? "You're right. I'm just talking crap." And I flinched, expecting this, but feeling a little disappointed nevertheless.
>>So back to you and your presence. First time we talked I was really being a smart-ass. I was like "This guy can tell me anything, why should I trust him? He might just be another freak pretending to be somebody he's not." Well your attitude kinda saved you there cuz I wuz like "Alright, let's presume he is being honest. But if he's so into himself I wouldn't like to work with him." I wuz really satisfied with life at that point, being in love, just started this new challenge -my education-, a movie project, did an audition for mtv networks, a tv project. I wuz like "I don't need this guy" and you really hated my attitude at that point cuz you didn't talk to me for quite a while (and you were right to do so.. lol). Then we got in touch again a few weeks later and I can only recall small fragments of you telling me that "someday we might be takin a shower together...lol" and you banging this chick "who could only hold it up for 4 hours" and more of that. So the picture that I'd formed at that time wuz something like this: "Arrogant, selfish, passionate but driven person. Still a boy in some ways, needing a lot of recognition for stuff that he does. Might be insecure underneath all these layers." But I really couldn't tell. It was a huge cover and besides that you told me at the very beginning that you'd be testing me, so I just didn't know what to think or expect. In my position, a woman not feeling alright with being pushed around by some guy feeling better than her (it's what brings out the worst in me to be honest), this means I decided not to care that much. When we finally got in touch the way we did a couple of weeks ago, I slowly started liking you day by day a little more. You and the cover, cuz now I could see a little through it sometimes made me laugh and baby even you are cute as the big ol' mc, producer, design specialist, movie producer, dj and weed laborant. You were making me laugh and smile and you made missy independant really come alive. It wasn't part of your plan maybe but I don't forget what you've been telling me earlier. I remember. I guess we like each other for the same reasons, and thaz kinda funny. The whole telephone 'issue' is the best example I can give you.
>>The first thing you said a couple of weeks ago was "I've decided it's time for us to hook up, what are you up to this friday?" And naive as I can be I said "I've got school, but I could skip." Then at one point I gave you my number and you told me you'd call me wednesdaynight. You didn't. You'd told me that you'd be there on friday at eight. I decided to go out on thursday and skip lessons on friday anyway. I set an alarmclock at eight, just in case. You didn't call, I continued sleeping. Later that day you told me that you didn't make it, my bad.. bladibla. Alright. I actually was a little relieved becuz the shock of what I'd agreed to came later. The next week you wanted my number again, cuz you'd lost it. I told you I wanted to hear your voice before I'd agree on anything. Then we started teasing each other again. And so on and so on. Now I tried to call you the other day, to show you I do have the courage and I was really curious if you'd answer. But you didn't and I was like "awww, now he's being cute...". I spontaneously decided to leave a message on your voice-mail. I only regained a clear mind when I was supposed to be saying something, so I probably sounded way too serious stumbling on what I wanted to say. I'm still a little silly sometimes, partly becuz I can be insecure sometimes and I don't even know myself why I respond the way I do. So I apologize for it, just can't promiss I'll never make silly remarks again..lol.
>>So now I'm missing you a little cuz you're not online and I know you're probably really busy and everything. I've had some crazy ideas though, like catching a train to Paris. But still, a part of me is carefull enuv not to let crazy take over. And thaz something I can't just shut-down, believe me it's better this way. I'm not afraid to share something of my life with you, becuz I'm doing quite fine (as you've noticed :P) and the only thing that does trouble me is the boredom. To be bored when you're all busy busy is not a good sign. Good sign is though, that you are not boring me, rather the opposite.. I don't care if we bitchin.. cuz even that can put a smile on my face, so you can't be such a terrible guy then. I'd rather be with you right now, awaaaaay from this writing. Cuz you might've noticed: it's my curse as well as my remedy. Words do not make me express to the fullest, thaz why I'm an artist in many ways, and the artist 'me as a person' is the one I'd rather show to you some day (soon)...