she who makes the stars fall's Blurty

Subject:	So much.
Time:	9:04 pm.
Mood:	happy.

Kevin and I are going to move in together. Or rather, I am going to move in with him. Something went wrong with Lisa's work visa when W. got elected and now my roommate to either get married or leave the country. She told me on Monday; she found out on Friday. No wonder I didn't see her for so many days.

Strange how things work out. We were just talking about moving in together last week sort of off the cuff, and now we're really going to do it. I'm excited. He's happy. I'm ready. He's wonderful. It will be nice. And if after a month or two or five I want to move out and get my own place, it won't be a deal breaker. It will just be me needing my own space. After all, it is early looking in from the outside. But we are so good together there are no doubts in my mind.

It will be a big change. Another one, after moving in July. Turn off the cable. Turn off the internet. Get a new phone number for a new city. I'll be saving a lot of money in rent but spending more money on gas. I won't have to keep a tolltag, so that will save me $80 a month. Rent here is so much cheaper too, and by our figures we save more than $200 a month. I'll be able to pay bills again. Yay.

We just talked about it, and it will help us both, not only be something we both want. I was right: he did want me here. When I brought it up, he got all happy. And that makes me so happy.

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Subject:	Being away from your family sucks.
Time:	8:43 pm.

My little sister turned five on Sunday. I wasn't able to be there for the birthday party thrown by her mom at the fitness center where she takes gymnastics classes and "those people" make her "do all the hard stuff."

My dad called this morning to tell me he wanted to make plans for a birthday party of his own when I got there next week for vacation, which made me pretty excited that for once, I'd get to be involved in the planning. Involved in the party. With everyone else. Like I used to be.

Then my sister called tonight when company was over and things were abuzz in my living room, and it was difficult to talk to her so we hung up. But not before she could mention that dad had planned the birthday party for Sunday night. I won't be arriving in Missouri until Tuesday afternoon. Quite a few days there, dad.

When I spoke to my dad again, he apologized and said he assumed that because my vacation started Friday, I'd be in town by Sunday night to be involved in the festivities. He truly sounded disappointed that he had planned it wrong, which surprised me because usually he gives off the feeling of pure apathy and is very inexpressive.

And I told him it was okay. Because really, it was. In a way it makes me happy that they are finally realizing that I have a life here, six hours and two states away from them. I cannot drop everything and rush to where they are when they feel it necessary.

And for the first time, I was alright with that.

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Subject:	Thinking on it.
Time:	9:16 pm.

Last night Kev asked me to move in with him.

Well, not really. But kind of.

What happened was more of a "I just told my nonsmoking health conscious roommate I want to smoke cigarettes in my bedroom and what am I gonna do if she decides she doesn't want to live with me and wants me to move out of the apartment" kind of conversation than anything else. Or at least that's what it started as. He chimed in, "You can always move in here" all nonchalantly but secretly I think he would really like having me there with him all the time and honestly I think I would like it just as much.

And now I can't stop thinking about it.

What does it mean when your boyfriend of two months mentions moving in together and it doesn't scare you? You, the formerly hell-bent on being independent, habitual dating kind of girl. I guess it means he's the one. If I can go on and on about him to a former love of mine, it is real.

It is almost midnight and Lis still hasn't come home yet. I hope she's not mad at me. Hopefully if she is thinking something she will be able to talk to me about it. I also feel like I'm doing a nice thing to only smoke in my room, though, because I do pay half the rent and she knew I was an indoor smoker when we agreed to share an apartment. I don't want to come home everyday and wonder if she's going to be mad at me. It's kind of weird now that I have Kev because I still love Lis but I want to be with him all the time and I feel like we're not as close as we used to be. And that's expected, but I don't want us to become just roommates instead of friends.

On one hand, I would love to live with Kev. There is not one inch of hesitation in my mind, and that is because I already know it would work. We practically live together already. I don't know if I'm ready to give up my own space, though, and this lease isn't up until September. That's a lot to work out and I don't know if it's time to do it.

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Subject:	Standing face to face with the past
Time:	9:13 pm.

Standing face to face with someone else's past, that is.

I met the ex-wife on Saturday morning, still greasy from not showering, sweatpants, glasses, nasty hair..yeah, me. She was cute, blonde, about my size.
It was weird.
He introduced us, this is S, this is M, and that was that.
Goodbye kiddo, see you later. Nice to meet you.

I don't like kids; I do like his child.
I realize we were both involved in serious relationships in the past, but my ex is not around; his is.
One reason, easy to see, and that's just fine with me. I accepted that before ever getting into this, so that is really alright.

It is weird, though. Not hard, because I love this man and nothing difficult or tedious or tiring would make me give up on him or this relationship.
I just hope that he is able to understand that I mean it when I tell him that.
[I wonder if I say it enough.]

I have never been here; I do not know how to act or react. It will take time, and that I have, that I can give. To both of them. Forever is a long time. But maybe not long enough with him.

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Subject:	My own green sheets
Time:	9:53 pm.

Three weeks falling asleep in his arms, tangled in his sage flannel sheets I love so much. Three weeks of him holding me until morning, and waking up in that nook that fits me just so. Three weeks of perfection. And now I am back in my own place, with the same old things to entertain myself with and look at and read. Tonight I will fall asleep in my own green sheets and the trusty old stuffed animal. And I will miss his words and his whispers good night and his breath on the back of my neck. Our trailing conversations drifting off into sleep.. If only he could be with me every second of the day to see that smile he leaves on my face.

[This is huge for me. This feeling of wanting to be with someone all the time, wanting to spend every moment I possibly can with just you and only you..I wish I could explain it but I feel my words would fail me, so I leave you with only this:]

My bed is
just not the same
with you.

Damn, I miss him so.

Tomorrow a trip to the pharmacy will leave me with a better confidence that we will not soon have another 3-year-old calling "Daddy, daddy" from the bottom of the stairs at 8:00 in the morning. I am not ready for the "watch me, watch me" stage all the time.. I don't know how he does it. My boyfriend is amazingly patient and loving and kind. And he is all mine. :)

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Subject:	This love has changed my life
Time:	9:06 pm.
Mood:	loved.

Once again, tonight I will fall asleep without those arms I have grown so used to holding me. Not even a phone call to say goodnight, I love you, I can't wait until I can be with you again because he didn't answer the phone. Because that's how it is for me these days. When he's not beside me, I fall asleep seeing his face. Never would I have believed that some sweet-faced video game-playing computer nerd would steal my heart and leave me gasping for breath. But he did, and he continues to every day.

Last night I fell asleep cradled up next to him, his arm thrown over my side, his breath on my neck. I fell asleep with a smile on my face and warm fuzzies in my heart. This morning I awoke after he had gone and suddenly, without him next to me, something happened. As soon as my eyes opened, my hand was grasping my chest, my lungs were struggling to inhale any small amount of air, my bedroom was cloudy and blurry. He was gone. And though he had only left my side for a short while my heart still felt like something was missing. Only the sight of his electric toothbrush and a damp towel hanging in the bathroom calmed my nerves. [And I thought boy things in my apartment would scare me]

This afternoon while in the shower, steam rising all around, of course my mind wandered to him [no, not that way].. why had I woken up like that, and what was it that was making me such a crazy person as of late? Eight weeks together and the starstruck feeling from the beginning has never worn off. Instead, it only grows stronger and more and more deep every day. But sometimes the thought does occur to me, what would I do if he wasn't there? Everything falls apart.. I don't want us to fall apart..

And it occurred to me today more than ever: I am in love with this man. Deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love. There is nothing I wouldn't do for this man. [I even offered to watch his daughter if available when he had an emergency.] For three long years, there was never a thought of settling down, except for once that followed its own course of failure - and how fate has a wonderful way of working out the way it's supposed to. Mostly, though, the idea of perhaps remaining a Ms. forever wouldn't hurt quite as bad as it seemed. After all, living alone is one of my favorite things.. I have my own space, my own rules, my own everything. But then he came along and changed all of that.

At first it took a little while for me to warm up to being part of a couple. Speaking of anything serious or long-term would make me stop talking all together, not to mention any time he would make plans. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't ready for all that serious talk. I know myself, and I was expecting to bail out within a month. [We have made it two. And honey, if you ever read this, know I'm honest and that's one of the reasons you love me. ;)] When I asked him to be my boyfriend all of the best intentions were there, but so was a high level of cynicism and all previous evidence of failures within two to four weeks of their start. So I held my breath and I hoped.

Hope is something that, no matter how much doubt, has always managed to remain a part of my heart and my life. And this is a time when I am so thankful I held out hope that something good would come along for me, because it did, and in ten fold. I can't think of a better man to be in love with and loving at this time, or at any other time in my life, for that matter. I honestly do feel I have met that person I am supposed to be with, and it gives me chills to even type that but it's true, and there's no denying that. [And I have never been one to deny my heart.]

Never before has there been anyone who can make all the hurt, all the pain of the past, all the worries of the week, the bullshit of the day fade away just by looking at his face. He comforts me when I'm hurting, he holds me when I'm angry, he pulls me close when I need to cry. He is my rock, my knight in shining armor, my walking encyclopedia, my venting partner, my smoking buddy, my video game pal, my make-out buddy, my bar hopping honey, my best friend. When I hate the world and I don't want to speak, he makes my hardness soften and breaks down my walls. When I am overwhelmed and stressed out, he makes everything okay. I don't know how he balances me out so well, but he does. And I am thankful every day.

He is my love and my heart, and I am better because I know him. And I know how corny and retarded and sappy that sounds, but I don't care. It's true.

Goodnight, baby. I love you.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Every time I see your face, everything else just melts away...
Time:	9:53 pm.
Mood:	loved.

There used to be days where I would keep myself from the world.. just lock myself inside or somewhere quiet where I could reflect until I felt like all of the issues had been sorted out and life was back in balance. These days, I find myself antsy when I'm alone. My heart tells me of this great love in my life, and the only thing I want to do is be with him.

I still don't know what to think about this.

I do, however, know that in times when I could choose to be alone, I want to be with him. When it's 9:00 at night and the drive to his place will take at least an hour in this rainy weather, and we will have to go to sleep in just two hours to be rested for work tomorrow, and Shellie will keep calling for her dad and interrupting our kisses or conversations... it doesn't matter. I will be with him. And that makes me happy. And that's all I need.

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Subject:	Four seasons.. and cold.
Time:	2:11 am.
Mood:	cold.

It was cold outside today. Perhaps the first really cold day in this city. [only the beginning] It was the kind of cold where it makes your bones shake.. where you pull your hands into the sleeves of your shirt to keep your fingertips from turning blue.. where the tip of your nose turns freezing to the touch.

The skies were the perfect shade of gray - and isn't that what I had wanted?

If I were back home, this weather wouldn't even stir a slight emotion within me. As every fall and into winter goes, the harsh winds and drizzles leaving puddles and the earth soft.. they were just October. And November. And so on. I was just wishing for inspiration, thinking back to when it used to be so simple, a time when the thought seemed to just come. [i wonder what it was that happened]

I miss having four seasons. I miss the way the air smells when summer starts to turn into fall. Red, brown, yellow, orange leaves decorate the trees.. the evening air seems crisper.. just the time of year made me so inspired.

[this cannot be all about the seasons] [my thoughts are somewhere else]

I cried today. Because I remembered that I will, indeed, be very, very cold this winter. He is gone, and he took my things along with him.. I don't know where to find him. But, I have let it go, because I do not have an answer to his actions and I cannot defend my own self for trusting him when I honestly [probably] should have known better.

I dreamt of him last night, though they were more nightmares than dreams. I am afraid to ever come across him again for fear I might cause him great harm effortlessly and with no remorse. No one should do the things he did, to anyone, and though I shout angers I know that I will never see him again. So there is no need to even think about it for a second.

Still, in the morning when it's time to look over the clothes in my closet getting ready for a day at work, he will come to mind. [it makes me sick to my stomach] [i can't shake it] And when shivering coatless and underdressed, thoughts of hate will continue to linger, because replacing an entire life's worth of 'things' isn't all that simple. And not easy for one person to do on her own.

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Subject:	Watered down.
Time:	1:19 pm.
Mood:	listless.

I want to be one of those people who can write without using the word “I” at the beginning of every sentence. I want to be able to express all of my thoughts where they just flow.

It seems as if I have lost my spark as a writer. I find myself doubting my own abilities and the talents I thought God had blessed me with -- what if I'm really just one of those people who aren't good at anything? What is it that I am lacking now that I feel I used to hold?

My collection of other people's writings is starting to grow as mine gets shorter and shorter each day. Perhaps storing them here will help me to get an idea of what I need to work on and work toward. Or perhaps it will just make me a plagiarizer.

Once again it is late and thousands of random thoughts are running through my mind. Wonders of when I will finally wind down after deadline day. Rough, it was. Between photographers not wanting to take pictures and incompetent editors, the tears were rolling by 10 p.m. And I didn't make it home until midnight. Which makes the question arise, should I look for another job? My answer is yes, but it's easier said than done. When my internet is hooked up it will be easier to log onto employment web sites and such in order to find another, better, more suitable writing position.

After skimming over that paragraph, perhaps it is best to avoid using “I” unless absolutely necessary. A lesson learned in elementary school grammar class, but easily forgotten after years and years of journalism and burning off news stories like a machine. The attention to detail becomes lackluster after a bit, and the words get watered down.

My writing has become watered down.

After reading some of her_whispers' livejournal entries, I am reminded of what my words used to sound like. [if you ever read, this, thank you.]

It is cold in the office, my fingers are white at the tips and icy to the touch. Outside the street shimmers with the drying rain, the last remnants of the blustery days we've been having. So hard to force myself out of bed on those grey mornings. At least I sleep alone, were there someone to wrap myself around, I'd never get out of bed. Sigh.

I think having a home computer will really give me time to think about what I'm writing instead of just crapping something out.

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Subject:	My baby got me a present. :)
Time:	12:41 pm.

On Friday I went to sleep so angry at Kev because he went out without me as I was feeling sick to my stomach.I called him and he sounded like he was having fun, which pissed me off so badly that I was still mad when I woke up on Saturday. Only then, he called me and said he bought me a present.

A laptop computer.

Turns out that when I get mad at him and he wants to make up for it, be buys presents. And I do mean presents. He laughed and said that it wouldn't be this big of a present all the time, but that he does like to do nice things for me. I love that man so much.

Then this morning I got so mad at him because he didn't wake me up for work when he and Shellie got up and I was afraid I was going to be late. He said it was because I looked so peaceful sleeping in his bed, blankets pulled to my chin, hair all messy. He thinks I'm the sexiest woman ever.

For his birthday on Friday – another week gone by, another week together – we are going to Homebar for a drum and bass show. Well, there will be more than just dnb but that's really the only style I can tolerate for more than 10 minutes. It's a costume party, so I've ordered these white thigh-high stockings with little red nurse crosses at the top of them and stethoscope to go with the little white dress I have that i never wear because it's too short. Only I'm going to grab some heels and go all out, even if my ass hangs out. Kev's like, you can pull it off honey, you're fuckin sexy. Ha.

It's the first day I've been home for more than a few hours at a time in over a week. Staying with Kev was good because there's nothing better than waking up in his arms. Only after a week together, we didn't really cuddle anymore except right when we were passing out, and we were getting on eachother's nerves pretty badly. I think that's where the whole tension came in this morning. Each of us just need a little bit of space. And time to do laundry.

In the morning I plan on calling Verizon to see what kind of Internet packages they have so that I can play online from home. I still can't believe he bought me a laptop, even if it was just his brother's used one. It's pretty much as good as new. Only thing I need to do is clear his files out, which will take all of five minutes when I can finally get rid of them.I think I'm going to like writing at home. All of my good thoughts come when I'm sitting in my bedroom or driving. I need to have a computer in the vicinity so I can write all of them down. Or at least Kev thinks so. “I'm an artist and I need a computer,” he said. “You're a writer so I know you need a computer.”

Only thing is, the availability of a computer being such as it is now, I hope I don't get pulled into the wonderful world of computer geek. I don't want to be one of those people who sits around with nothing else to do except for browse online.

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Subject:	Home again, home again.. when?
Time:	3:15 pm.

It just took me an hour and a half to get here from Lewisville, when it should have taken about 30 minutes. At least three people were victim to my flipping the bird on the way here, and if I'm not mistaken a truckload of Mexicans all turned their heads when they cut me off and I yelled "Motherfuckers!" out my open window.

I am cranky and one big ball of uncomfortable. I am tired and kind of mentally drained, I don't have motivation to work on my stories for next week and I think I might have developed an intense loathing for my boss, who never has anything good to say and always acts like he has better things to do when I talk to him. It's extremely aggrevating when I am trying to find out something I don't know but need to and he is rolling his eyes at me. I bailed on work two hours early today to work at home (or rather, Kev's home) because no one was in the office today. No one in my office wanted to be either.

Maybe it's the weather, but I need my own place. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't really spent any time in my own home for quite a few days now.. all week, actually.. and I am in desperate need of my own time in my own place. Lisa's parents are here until Monday, but until then I feel kind of out of place and strangely uncomfortable in my own skin. I really do need to have my own place to maintain my sanity and overall *zen* I think. And with Lisa's parents at my place I can't sit and smoke in my room in silence, and with the kiddo here this weekend it will be hard to do at Kev's as well. So I shall wait until Monday, which will be okay. I'm glad Lisa is having a good time and I do adore that kiddo..

Today at work Natalie, who just got engaged to her military man who got discharged early, told me she commended me for having enough patience to take on a relationship AND a kid. She said she is not used to her man being around all the time, and she doesn't know what she would do if she had to deal with him and a kid at the same time. I told her thank you, because, really, it is a big deal for me. Huge.

[being that I say things here honestly I will just say this now and hope that anyone reading knows I love them regardless and just have to get this out]

And the reason it is a huge deal for me is that I don't really even like kids, to be honest. Something in my head just starts aching when there is a kid crying in the room, or something like that, and I freak out and want to go 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!' Thing is, Shellie doesn't really cry except for when she doesn't want to go to bed, but I deal with that by stepping out of the room and letting her daddy handle that. I can always step out of the room, no problem. I think I just have to be around when I want to, and not all the time because I am still working on it, the whole thing. It's really hard for me, and I know that is stupid. I hope he knows that I sure do fucking love him or I wouldn't be in this relationship. Sometimes I can see how some girls just don't date men with kids, it is a weird thing. I dunno what to say. It's just strange. And hard. But so am I, so it will smooth itself out on its own, I think.

Ugh. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Braindead.

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Subject:	"Isn't it a little early to move in together?"
Time:	5:02 pm.

Lisa's parents are in town for a while so I've been staying nights at Kev's and hanging out with him at night. I had known they were coming and Lis had asked me if I minded them staying at the house, which I didn't - my mom and sis will want to stay when and if they come - so it was no big deal. I met them at lunch yesterday when I was sitting on the couch eating a corn dog watching Maury, lol. They opened the door and I was like, whoa, Lis's mom looks just like her. And her dad is this cute British guy who has the best laugh.

Later, in conversation with Kev, I mentioned it and he said I should spend the week at his place, and after thinking about it and conversing with Lis, I decided it would be cool. And so far it has been. Came up after work last night late after deadline, then went in to finish up All About stuff today, which turned out to be less than I thought it would and that rocked. So grabbed some more shit, enough for work tomorrow, after work and work Friday. I've left a few things in the bathroom cabinet of mine, but only because he told me it was okay. I feel a little weird about it. But it's nice. It's just different being here again after being single for so long. It's like it's just natural for me to hop in the car for the 30 minute drive up here to hang out with him. This is becoming my second home, haha.

After this weekend I plan to head back down to me and Lisa's apartment but until then this should give her a good amount of time to bond with her parents. She hasn't seen them in like a year or something. I sure do miss her, though. I like living with her. She keeps things interesting. And I need to hear her stories about her life, and I need to tell her mine.

Hmm. Cool. I have an awesome boyfriend and a cool best friend. :)

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Subject:	Driving..
Time:	8:26 pm.
Mood:	nostalgic.

i'm getting used to this drive. fight rush hour on the way home from work. [today i got lucky]

sit for a few minutes soaking in my thoughts and absorbing the day. smoke. read. then, get ready. the routine has become a fun process in itself. pack a bag. grab tomorrow's clothes, something to sleep in, a few essentials for morning. and hike it all out to the car.

knowing there will still be a traffic jam at 7:00, make sure to have a pack of cigs, a full tank of gas, and a lot of patience. because even though traffic is thick and what should take half an hour turns into more than twice that time, the cars on the other side of the highway are rolling smoothly.

driving used to be an enjoyable pasttime. a passion of mine. just the open country road, fields stretching far on each side. the sky, spread out as far as the eye can see. it was easier when the drive on the two-way street across town only took five minutes.

now, getting this is like a prize. this drive has an exceptionally happy ending point. because as soon as his face appears, nothing else matters.

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Subject:	First night with the kiddo.
Time:	10:25 am.
Mood:	satisfied.

Last night was the first time I had ever stayed the night at Kev's with the kiddo there. Due to what we refer to as "the Shellie rules" (no smoking in the house when she's around, no affection besides hugs, no overnight guests) we had been able to avoid that one for a while. Which was okay with me because that little girl has a lot of power over her daddy's life and the thought of interrupting that made me nervous. Kev finally said, 'well, I think you're going to be around for a while,' so we decided to try it out and see how she reacted.

Bright and early 9 a.m. Kev and I are cuddled up in his bed, both sick and sweating from tossing and turning all night. Look over to see Shellie shaking her dad to wake up for cartoons. Since I was awake anyway I went downstairs too, and if she was a little surprised to see me, she didn't act like it. "Good morning," I said to her. She just kind of smiled and then the three of us curled up on the couch to watch cartoons.

Breakfast came next, and while Kev cooked bacon and eggs, Shellie and I watched some show about imaginary friends and practiced saying 'por favor' for please like the show said. Shellie couldn't say it really, she's so cute, it came out like 'por fuuuuh' at first but then she got it and she was so proud. It was freakin adorable. But even more adorable was when she curled up next to me on the couch and told me about her baby doll missing it's shoes and clothes, which she couldn't find anywhere. It made me feel all warm and special to know she likes me enough to curl up with me when her dad is not there. :)

Maybe this kid thing won't be so bad after all. I mean, I really am just a big kid, right? :)

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	I fell in love with a man with more baggage than me.
Time:	11:14 pm.

Yep. So I had to go and fall in love with a man who has more baggage than me. It is a rather unfathomable thought, since my habitual dating over the past three years had led me to believe that I could no longer feel anything again.

Now, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change it. There are so many benefits to this situation. For one, I think Kev is only able to deal with me because he has learned so much patience hanging out with his 3-year-old. He blows it off when I'm acting stupid and stares blankly at me when I throw a tantrum until I settle down. That, or he laughs quite a bit, and as much as that sometimes pisses me off, I love the way he deals with me. He wouldn't be the same person without the ex-wife and daughter.

The ex I could do without. She's a freakin' loony toon, I swear. And I know he must have loved her at one time, but I don't know how. I haven't even met her (that's going to be a separate journal entry when it happens) and she makes me crazy. She's constantly calling Kev wanting her to rescue her and the kiddo, and it makes me want to scream, "He's not your fucking knight in shining armour! He's my boyfriend! He's not yours anymore! You're REMARRIED!!" But I know that would be selfish and childish and make me look like an ass, quite. So instead, I stand back quietly waiting for him to hang up when she calls. I don't like the effect she has on him. He gets all flustered and cranky.

Tonight I was supposed to see him but with her neurotic behavior, he's been discussing another custody arrangement with his lawyer. And tonight he has Shellie, who is a very sweet 3-year-old, but I don't have much patience for kids and she is so attached to her daddy I think she has a hard time when I'm around. She wants 100 percent of his attention and so do I, so it's better than I am not around so I can give them father-daughter time. Kev would surely leave me if I acted like a selfish wench when he has his daughter. He adores her. I.. well.. I think she's sweet. I also think she screams a lot when she doesn't want to go to bed, but that doesn't mean I don't like her. (It's also something I'd never tell him.) I suppose I don't have too much patience for children who aren't mine. (And that's easy, because I don't have any.)

The kid subject is something I need to start thinking about, because I have a very strange feeling it might be something I need to think about in the near future. We haven't been the smartest about things, and I'm not on the pill, so I better start considering the future. Neither of us want kids right now, and I don't know if I want any ever.. so. That leaves two options if and when the result is positive: tell Kev and chalk it up to what is meant to be will be; or don't tell Kev, and take care of it by myself. It makes me nauseous thinking about it. I don't want to do it again. What if this person is supposed to be the next president of the United States? The first woman president? The inventor of medication that would cure cancer? It is not fair to put someone else's life ito my hands. It's not fair for me to have to make that decision. When we were lying in his bed on Saturday morning, Kev told me that he truly believes everything happens for a reason and that we would get through it.

I'm still scared. And sick to my stomach.

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Blurty for she who makes the stars fall.

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