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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2010.02.04  23.55 I just said this... I love it! I was missing a piece of the puzzle that is me and I have found it.

	2009.11.18  23.19 --you hide your face from me like the sun hides in the clouds you think i won't notice the darkness all around?

	2009.11.16  22.56 For Desire by Kim Addonizio Give me the strongest cheese, the one that stinks best; and I want the good wine, the swirl in crystal surrendering the bruised scent of blackberries, or cherries, the rich spurt in the back of the throat, the holding it there before swallowing. Give me the lover who yanks open the door of the house and presses me to the wall in the dim hallway, and keeps me there until I'm drenched and shaking, whose kisses arrive by the boatload and begin their delicious diaspora through the cities and small towns of my body. To hell with the saints, with the martyrs of my childhood meant to instruct me in the power of endurance and faith, to hell with the next world and its pallid angels swooning and sighing like Victorian girls. I want this world. I want to walk into the ocean and feel it trying to drag me along like I'm nothing but a broken bit of scratched glass, and I want to resist it. I want to go staggering and flailing my way through bars and back rooms, through the gleaming hotels and the weedy lots of abandoned sunflowers and the parks where dogs are let off their leashes in spite of the signs, where they sniff each other and roll together in the grass, I want to lie down somewhere and suffer for love until it nearly kills me, and then I want to get up again and put on that little black dress and wait for you, yes you, to come over here and get down on your knees and tell me just how fucking good I look.

	2009.09.27  13.40 "I guess at the end, you think about the beginning." Blues for Roberto It's an ugly circus, to leave you again. It's a carnival act: bound, chained underwater in a glass tank, near-drowned, I've gotten free. I'm incredible. I've gotten so good I'm terrible. Bring on the elephants, their great legs hobbled. Bring on a lion, I'll feed it in my head. Bring a small scrap of paper to wipe up the blood. I'll hang myself from the high wire, nude... Once you loved me, but walked away. Once was too often, for a girl like me-- Since then I've made you pay and pay. Don't call me, ever. I'll tell you I'm sorry. Don't call me, I tell you; it's boring, boring always to leap to the end of the story. And this is the end. I'm leaving town. This is the end: the tents torn down, the animals making caged animal sounds. by Kim Addonizio

	2009.09.27  13.39 yesterday yesterday i hold the shiny black metal in my hand. it is heavy and thick, my fingers wrapped loosely around it as i have been holding it since this morning. i knew i was going to do it, i just didnt know when. you come in and it happens. sitting across from me, you look sad. again. i can help you, by hurting myself. but isnt that what you do when you love someone? put yourself in their place, take their pain, if you can. if you can, you do... right? please, please say yes. then i will not feel so... so... so so, i guess. i can help you, i say, and you look at me with those blue blues, confused and somewhere back there, way back there, pleading. it is small, but there. i see it out of the corner of my eye. and i have a choice. ignore it, or keep talking. the hesitation is small, i will get something out of this too, and what i stand to get is bigger, better than what you will end up with. of this i am sure, but you want what you want. and i will try to help you get it. in that second of hesitation i stroke the shiny black weapon in my hand, feeling its solidness, its sureness, its singleness of purpose. and i take careful aim, surely i can hit it from here, i think and shoot. the pain is blinding, literally, i cannot hardly think of anything else, but as usual, my mind takes over, leaving the body behind in times like these, and i say... what i say to you. (you know what i said) and you take it. i am glad i cannot see you through the pain. even now, your image is absent in my mind, everything surrounding you exactly as it was then, but you are not there. your face, your mouth, your secret places, gone. gone for good. i sit for a bit. and then get up and take care of business. gotta get things done despite. right? yes. yes. yes.

	2009.09.08  21.56 You know I bought one... ;) Mood: horny

	2009.08.18  20.03 Sarah Dunn is my newest favorite author. The following are some excerpts from her book "The Big Love". I laughed out loud several times while reading this book, which makes it exceptional as far as I am concerned. Also, she seems able to put some of the random thoughts I have had floating around in my head, down on paper. (And she got it published!) She has two other books out: "The Official Slacker Handbook" which I haven't read yet, and "The Secret to Happiness" which I just started. "Part of the problem was that I lost my virginity late, absurdly late really -- I was twenty-five, which I think you'll agree puts me at the freakish end of things -- and I probably wouldn't even have done it then if it weren't for my therapist, who talked me into it. 'When did you make this decision?' said Celeste, my therapist at the time, when I finally broke down and told her. 'When I was thirteen. I was at church camp. I made a pledge,' I said. 'To whom?' said Celeste. 'What do you mean, to whom?' 'To whom did you make this pledge?' 'To God.' 'To God,' Celeste repeated, and made a little scribble on her yellow legal pad. My belief in God was one of the things Celeste was attempting to rid me of. Well, that's not entirely fair: she didn't have a problem with my believing in God, she just didn't want it to interfere with anything important, like my freedom or my choices or my sex life. Of course, that's pretty much the whole point of God. You give up some of life's more interesting perks and in exchange you lose your fear of death. 'A decision that served you well at age thirteen, might, at age twenty-five, be subject to reevaluation,' said Celeste. So, we reevaluated..." "One of the major disappointments of my adult life has been finding out just how little being smart has to do with love. I've always relied on my brains to get me through, I've always secretly believed that I had a leg up in life because I was, if not the smartest person in the room, at least the one that the smartest person in the room would pick to talk to, and I figured that that would make me good at love. But the truth, the truth that I'm just starting to see, is that being intelligent and being good at love are two entirely different things, and thinking that one thing will make you good at the other is like expecting a world-class juggler to be able to perform brain surgery." Mood: content Music: Brand New

	2009.08.15  21.10 I am breathing... breathing... As I am heading into any relationship I have to constantly tell myself, 'This doesn't mean its going to be forever... Breathe.... It's okay, you can always get out... Whenever you want.' That way I don't freak out and run. When I get into it I am fine. But that moment before I fully commit to someone is always filled with trepidation. Anyone else feel that way?

	2009.07.26  10.18 Mmm... I love the smell of coffee in the morning. Love it. Been cleaning house this weekend. Having the girls over after we go to Karaoke on Thursday, so it needs to be in show order. It is getting there. Yay! Going to meet a new guy from POF. He is 39, 7 years older than me. He has children, lives about an hour away from me. We are meeting halfway between him and I at a Dennys. I am excited. :) Work has been fun and somewhat stressful recently. I am back to planning programs, a BUNCH of programs, and am feeling it. I enjoy it, but sometimes I just want to leave my work at work at the end of the day, not bring it home with me. I am making a marked effort to get out more with different groups of friends and be more social to blow off steam. So far it is working. I am having a great time. Haven't been losing any more weight. Have been hovering right around my lowest since January. I can't seem to make it past this plateau. Been here a couple of months. I guess I am just going to have to get supermotivated and kick some pounds asses. That is all. Not my usual, but I am on my way! Mood: happy

	2009.07.22  22.29 I am taking a Mancation. Been having sex dreams. Earlier this week it was twins. (One at a time! Dirty mind!) Last night a group of guys nekked and I chose one. Grabbed him by his dick and said, Follow me. Interesting. It can't have been that long since I got some. Maybe a month at the most. Hmm. The Arguer is more than willing to give me some, (the sex was amazing), but the shit that comes with the dick is too much for me. I told him I would contact him in August. #12 and I talked via messenger and he wanted to know details about how much I enjoyed our encounter. I couldn't lie to him, so I was honest with him after he kept pushing me for details. The funny thing was that I think he was taking notes. Says he would like to repeat. I think he thinks he would do better with a second chance. I am not convinced that I want to go there again. He has a monster cock. I am more of an average dick kind of girl. Still considering it. A feeeeeewww prospects on POF. Went out with some friends from work tonight. We went out to dinner, bowling, and then sat in the bowling alley drinking beers and bullshitting. It was fanfreakingtastic. I had a blast. So fun. I am headed to bed. Tired. Take care all. Mood: tired and happy

	2009.07.05  01.31 The 10 Best Things About Being Single By Wendy Bolton Floyd and Judy Bolton 1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night if you want. 2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself. 3. You can flirt with the opposite sex without someone saying, "Who are you looking at?" 4. You can make your own decisions. 5. You don't have to remember your significant other's birthday or anniversary. 6. You have no one to clean up after. 7. You can leave the toilet seat permanently up if you're a man, or permanently down if you're a woman. 8. You can make a list of things you always wanted to do...and actually do them. 9. You can listen to your favorite radio station in the car. 10. You can actually hold on to the remote control.

	2009.06.21  22.31 I got the internet at home!!! Now I can journal anytime I want without having to constantly look over my shoulder at work to see who is reading it. I left it up the computer one time which scared the shit out of me, because as of now I am anonymous. Which is the way I like it. Life has been pretty strenuous around here, as usual. My sister was crashing on my couch following a break up with her girlfriend. I am not allowed to have houseguests for more than three days without putting them on the lease, so I was pretty stressed during that time. It was nice to get to hang out with her and just her though. That doesn't happen so much anymore. My mom and her husband have been in Georgia looking after my grandparents, who say they are not only ailing, but DYING (!). They drove all the way back to Oklahoma and picked my sister up and are taking her with them back to Georgia for a few weeks. She has stayed with them in the summers before and always come back better, so maybe this will be the good she needs to get on with her life. Work has kind of gotten more important too. Back when our new manager started she decided I was doing too much and she took away all my jobs AND my desk. So I was left with no responsibilities or creative outlets. I was just a clerk again. BORING! Well, she did her best to get the new staff to do what I did and she was unsuccessful. She needed me. She has since given me back the best of all the jobs I was doing, which is planning adult programs. I can tell you I am KICKING ASS! She has thanked me profusely which is the best reward for a job well done. Thom has officially left town. I drove by his house the other day (for the first time since January) and it was empty. My heart was empty at the sight. I felt a tug... and some sadness... then anger that I felt sad. God, breaking up with someone you love hurts like hell. And for a long long time. When I am not in a relationship I wonder if it is worth it. Some days I think yes, and pursue men. Others I think that I am happy as I am and I need not worry about it. Part of me worries about when I get old though. Will I have regrets? Regrets that I did not have children? Regrets that I did not get married? I don't know. Which is I guess the way it will always be. As long as I am happy in this moment, things are good. I read a quote the other day that says, "The grass is always greener... where it's watered." That is powerful, don't you think? This is a bunch of rambling, but I think it is going to take a bit for me to get used to journaling regularly again, so please bear with me... :) My hopefuls on POF are all long distance and my car is still not fixed where I can travel. The Arguer and I are still communicating and seeing each other, but he lives 45 minutes from here, works 2 jobs and goes to school, and therefore has very little time leftover to see me. And actually pre-period I was feeling particularly emotional and was considering upping the ante on our little arrangement and making it a dating situation. He pushed me into saying it sooner than I wanted, (hard to explain, you'll just have to take my word for it), and when I told him I felt that way and what did he think, he had nothing to say. Didn't hear back from him till the next day, when he didn't mention it. I did (you know I did) and he said, 'It's worth a try.' Now that's a level of commitment I aspire to! Not! So, I have slacked off communication with him. We'll see how hard he TRIES now... I know that I want to have a long term relationship with someone. I really do. Someone I can be with for a long time. Not 6 months, I am talking years. Where is he??? Mood: contemplative Music: Round Here, Counting Crows

	2009.05.29  17.09 12 and 13 Met a guy on POF. I will call him the Arguer. We had talked back in January and he told me that he had just gotten out of a relationship and was just looking to have some fun with someone, nothing serious. I told him I already had that with Rodney. He said I should try him and I would get rid of the other guy. I laughed and told him that one Sunday Husband is enough for me. A week or so ago, I saw that he had viewed my profile again, and since things have fizzled with Rodney, I decided to chat him up. We ended up texting a bunch and then we decided on a night to meet. He was supposed to meet me at 8:30. At 9:15 I texted him and asked if he was coming. He said yes, but that he was still fishing... Still fishing??? We had a 'date'. I told him that I didn't think things were going to work out, as we had agreed on a time and he didn't show. He said that he was still coming but would be late. We proceeded to argue by text for about 10 minutes or so, before I got tired of it and said, Later, goodbye. The next morning he starts back up again. I said, look, we haven't even met and we have argued twice already, I think that is a bad sign. He insisted we should still meet. I didn't say anything, but decided to think it over before committing to meeting him again... You know, the whole Fool Me Once thing... I decided since we both knew that we were going to have a friends with benefits type relationship that I would make some rules and if he agreed to them, we could meet. If he didn't, well I hadn't really lost anything, because we hadn't met yet. The following is the email I sent him: Hey, Todd, I realize that we are going to have a friends with benefits type situation. I am totally cool with that. But I have rules. 1. I need to be respected. If we make a 'date' we are on time or call to say we are going to be late. 2. It needs to be a 2-way street. I call you, you call me. We make time for each other. 3. Talking is a good thing. I need to do some talking before the act. No, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. 4. Staying over is not an option. For either of us. Could lead to confusion later on. Neither of us need that. Can you agree to that? I think you are totally cool. I think we would have a good time together. Let me know if you are still interested in meeting. I am free after 8 tomorrow... Cherokee He took about half a day to respond. Then he told me he was cool with it. We saw each other last night and it was GREAT! We met at Braum's in my home town, got an ice cream and a seat and talked for about an hour. Then we went back to my place, watched a couple of episodes of The Office. After that we had some fun in the bedroom. It was very, very good. I enjoyed talking to him. And we didn't argue once! I am having fun! Yay! Mood: excited

	2009.05.15  20.05 I can Waawaa if I wanna! I need to start journaling more often. I am currently in flux. I am excited about summer and swimming and sun and fun and bbq's and such... but I am also looking at doing all of that alone again this year. And I am pissed off about it. I am tired of searching, tired of waiting, tired of looking for a him in my life. I want him now. NOW. Waawaawaa, right? Dammit, this is my journal and I can Waawaa if i wanna! Currently tired. Here's why: 1. Doing face painting at the Renaissance Festival. It is every weekend through the month of May. By the end of it I will have worked 36 days straight. I am getting paid for it, 30 percent on each one I do, but I have to drive 30 miles into the next town over to do it. Which means gas money. 2. My car is trying to die on me. First I lost ALL brakes. One day they are there, the next they are not. $550 later, I get that fixed. Now I find out that I need to get the tie-rods replaced on the front wheels, another $50 apiece plus labor... And my radiator has dry-rot and I need to replace it, another $150 plus labor. Then I have a few other minor, but just as important pieces that need to be addressed and fixed as well. Thank God I work with a woman whose husband is a mechanic, (a damn good one that can be trusted), and he is not too expensive. But all of my money is going for my car. I can't afford to go out and eat or buy a new dress. And until I get the tie-rods fixed I can't drive it out of town, which means I have to bum a ride and give them gas money or borrow someone's car. It has worked out so far, but I don't like having to be dependent on anyone else. (I guess if nothing else it is a lesson in humility.) 3. Having no luck on POF. I had a fun experience about two weeks ago when a guy broke up with me before we even went out. Back story: He came into the library. He looked a lot like Thom (should have been a clue- don't you think?). We stood and chatted for about 20 or so minutes. I thought he was cute, but he ended up leaving without asking me for my phone number. About 2 weeks ago, he came back in. I was super excited and ended up chatting with him again. He said, "You must really not like your job, because every time I come in you stand and talk to me..." I said, "No, it's just you. I want to stand and talk to you." He then asked for us to swap email addresses and when I pulled out my phone to put it in he asked for my number. Said he'd shoot me a text. We parted and he went into the library. About 20 minutes later I get a text from him, saying 'slow game of 20 questions?' I say yes and we proceed. In the course of our texting he asks me if I have a boyfriend. I say no, and ask if he has a girlfriend or is similarly attached. He says no, that he was engaged up till 2 months ago, but they called it off. I say, "oh, so you are still in it." He tells me no, that he is over her. We carry on our texting and he ends up asking me to do something with him that night. Long story short, he appears at my apartment, we begin talking on the couch and a few hours later, we are making out. (Complete with him sucking my toes.) We move into the bedroom where we proceed to make out, but not have sex. Mind you he goes to the bathroom and comes back completely nude, I am still in my underwear. About midnight, he says he has to go. After he has left and I have washed my face and brushed my teeth, he texts me and asks if I am still up. I say yes, and he calls me. He is practically crying on the phone. Blubbering about feeling like he let his ex-fiance down and blah blah blah. I say, "Are you breaking up with me before we even go out?" and he hem-haws around and says, "Well..." I tell him goodbye, that he knows where to find me and hang up. The next night I go to dinner with Katy and am telling her the story, including the details he told me about his ex-fiancé, and she says, "I know her. And she is getting married in a few weeks." I am disbelieving until we start comparing notes and such. Come to find out Katy's sister-in-law is in the wedding party, so we decide to call her and tell her. (The girl needs to know what she is getting into before she marries him.) She confirms that it is indeed the same man and that they are STILL GETTING MARRIED. Which means everything he told me was a lie. A few days later, I hear back that she told his not-really-ex-fiancé the facts and she got a little teary-eyed, said "Well, you have given me some things to talk to him about", and that after doing so, she has decided to go through with the wedding. Yep. Really. In a way I am glad. That means there will be one less man out there without a ring but attached running around. If I knew where the damn crazy pool was, I would quit flinging my line into it. Fuck. Mood: None

	2009.04.02  10.43 Got a new book today called 'Dirty Words: the Encyclopedia of Sex'. Learned an interesting fact: according to the book Isaac Newton, considered to be one of the best scientists in the world to date, was a virgin his whole life. Wow! Also another term for boy toy is Sunday husband. I am totally going to use that! Speaking of which, I need a new one. Rodney is flaking out on me. We have been trying to hook up and he usually ends up flaking out. I am done with him. Which sucks because now I have to find a new one. I hate that auditioning process... finding out if I am attracted to them, if they are available when I am, do we have good sex, will they be cool and not try to make it more than it is or not treat me respectfully, like Rodney, by not doing what he said he was going to do, etc...? Fun fun. Hope you all are well! p.s. Have lost 16 lbs. since January!! Woohoo!! Mood: cheerful

	2009.03.04  17.41 I sent this to Thom today. His response follows. Today I woke up and realized it was you, not me, Mr. Wier. So, I am letting you and all my (misplaced) hope for us go. I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Cherokee You Left Your Self in Abilene You left your Self in Abilene we never had a chance. Along with your suit and underwear Your suitcase was filled with Happy Thom Excited Thom Interested and Motivated Thoms. What came back was dirty underwear, a very nice suit, and a shell of a man empty to the core. You left your Self in Abilene... We never had a chance. I could not agree more. I wish you only happiness, you deserve that and more. You are an amazing you and there is nothing wrong with you. Keep your head up and the right person and situation will arise. You deserve it too much for it not to happen, I just know it. I feel the same way about myself in Abilene. You are right that while I am here I am just waiting for a life. I am sorry you got caught up in that. I got all choked up. His response was very adult. A good way to end things. Moving on for real this time. I am so excited!!! Mood: happy

	2009.02.21  10.15 So, I had this dream last night... I have been realizing that I am not quite over Thom and that I need to give myself more time. Being on POF and getting responses by men who are interested in having a relationship with me is scaring me. Making me realize that I am not ready. Last night I had a dream where I was sitting at a bar with a guy and we leaned toward each other and locked lips. Our stools started to tip and we began falling backwards, but our lips were still locked. So I did the thing where you stick your foot out to catch the lip of the bar so you won't fall all whe way down, only there wasn't a lip for me to catch. I kept trying but there wasn't one, so I let go... let myself feel the sensation of falling, and realized it was not so bad. We landed, fine I might add, jumped up and left the bar singing and laughing. I think my subconscious was saying that falling in love is not such a bad thing. Funny, huh? Mood: happy

	2009.02.18  14.30 this breaking up shit is horrid. much like (please excuse the analogy, it is appropriate, though gross) a giant zit. it pops up from time to time on your face, and just bout the time you think you have it whipped, it comes back. one day i think i am fine, another i feel like shit and everything reminds me of him. i should have stopped thinking about him by now... right? geez. Mood: confused

	2009.02.06  16.55 I got fucked to within an inch of my life Met a guy on POF. Had a date last week and he is a fan-freakin-tastic kisser! We didn't go all the way, as it was bad timing for me and I refused to go further. I wanted him. Bad. We were supposed to have our second date last night, but he had to call and cancel because he was waiting for his new washer to be delivered. I was getting off work early and told him that and he said he could come down for lunch. He was 40 minutes late (he called to say he was going to be late!) and I was so hungry I was lethargic. We got to eat and I was then hungry for something else... He is eating his sandwich and lookin' at me. Says, 'What do you have on your mind?' I try to look innocent and say, nothing. But he knows better. He says, 'You got your fill of one thing you wanted (food) and now you want something else (him).' I just smiled. He says, 'I'm not sure how I feel about that.' I say, 'Yes you are, or you wouldn't have driven down here.' Round one: Delicious. Round two: Out of this world. Oh, his name is Rodney. Mood: satisfied

	2009.02.06  16.46 "What I'm thinking involves a machete and a pair of pliers..." Thom got the letter. I didn't hear from him. So I tried to call him the day after he got the letter. No answer. So I tried to call him after I got off work. No answer. At this point I knew that 1)he was avoiding me 2)that this was not a good sign and 3)he was going to officially end it or I was, but we were over. So I drove to his house. Yep, he was there. Played with Jax for about 20 minutes then asked him if he got the letter. He said, 'Yes... it made me feel good in a bad way... because I don't feel the same.' I said, 'I figured, since I didn't hear from you.' He said, 'I couldn't call you!' Referring to the fact that he hadn't paid his cell phone bill and could only receive calls. I said, 'That is not the only phone in the world,' and gave him a dirty look. Then I got up and left. Classy, composed, and mad as fucking hell.

	2009.01.20  14.48 Love Letter Saturday morning I woke up at the asscrack of dawn, with words weighing on my brain. I wrote my boy a love letter. After 6 drafts and 8 re-writes I finally got it in the mail, heart stamp and all: Thom, I miss you. Every day. One of the last times we talked I told you that I thought I would have more time with you. I realize now why. I needed more time. Well, I cannot wait any longer. Not one minute more. I love the crinkling of your eyes when you smile. The myriad of expressions that play upon your face every day. The feel of your lips against mine. Your skin under my hands. Putting my face in the crook of your neck. The way you can make me laugh so spontaneously and uncontrollably. The way we cook together, like the notes of a well-timed symphony, getting everything done with hardly any words at all. Our long conversations, (I love talking to you!), about everything from books, to music, to movies, to jobs, to teaching, to dogs and Jax; the list goes on and on. Conversations in bed, the shower, at the table, in the truck, while outside playing with Jax. I love you being in my life. You are a good man. Good through and through. And sweet. Kind, honest, fun, funny, interesting, caring, loving. You have just enough bad boy in you to be good. You are an original thinker with ideas that are going to change the world. You are a good father. An excellent teacher. And an even better boyfriend. You are everything I was looking for. But this letter is supposed to be about how I feel about you. So, here goes: I love you. I don't want you to go without me. And "I want you... In no uncertain terms." (Know where that came from?) I am yours a thousand times more than ever. I love you. Cherokee Then my nephew and I did a drive-by cookie drop. And last night I called him. Yep, I called him. We talked for an hour. Told him about the love letter. He asked why I didn't just bring the cookies over. Can't remember what I told him. He should get the letter today.... I am excited and a lil scared. Mood: happy Music: Inauguration of Barak Obama on the Library T.V.

	2009.01.16  15.33 I don't want to do this again!!! ARG! You get a boyfriend so the search will be over. Six months is not long enough to make the thought of getting back out there exciting. We are still in the midst of our 'break'. I have not heard from him since the 1st of January. 15 days. Some days I am weak and almost call or text him. Other days I am mad at him for not contacting me and want to force something to happen. (Me attaching the word 'up' to our 'break'.) But I don't. Some days I think I am stupid for giving him till the end of the month to call me. (I guess I should tell you the situation and that we did not set a date or anything for us to get back together. We had been going long times without having sex. Like 3 weeks in between sessions. I finally spoke up after trying everything I could to get him interested. I even asked to have sex and was turned down. So, when I mentioned it he said that he was having problems because he knows that he is going to be moving in July and is not sure how he feels about me. I have no issue with the not sure how he feels about me part, as I am in the same boat. It is very hard for me to tell someone that I love them. It took me a year of living with my ex before I said it to him. But I never thought he would make it this long without me. Guess this shows how much I know. Now, there were 3 weeks in between our first date and our second date, which is why I was thinking I should give him till the end of the month. But I don't know. Maybe that is too long. See the more I talk about it the angrier I get. The more I want to just call him up and end it. But then I think I would regret it. MEN! ARG! I read online about it a bit and one article said that a break is just a break up with them trying not to hurt you. I asked him several times if he wanted to break up with me and he said no everytime.) I really do like him. I really might even love him. But I am SOOOOOO tired of the waiting bullshit. Being with him was so easy. And nice. And good. We got along really well. And when we were having sex it was always good. I could see being with him for a very long time. But you can't make someone else feel for you the way you feel for them, can you? I need to journal. I need to process. I hate the waiting. Going to the gym in an effort to distract myself. Home is where I never was, because I was always with him, so when I am there I am constantly reminded of the fact that I wouldn't be there if we were together. I am so totally frustrated. Sorry for the ranting. I just had to get it out. Mood: sad

	2009.01.13  09.37 Today I am hurting. The loverlee boyfriend has scored a major job in Abeline, Texas. We are 'taking a break'. And today I am hurting. It has only been 11 days. Mood: sad

	2008.12.15  18.51 5 months Thom and I have been dating for 5 months. Last night he saw my Bridget Jones underwear. Yep. You know the ones I'm talking about... Stretchy, girdle-like, (the ones that make your tummy look oh so little!) granny panties. Cut tightly around the top of the legs and all the way up to your waist and nude. Yep. Those are the ones. I put my strappy short lil nightgown on and thought, 'I should change my undercrackers...' but I decided against it. Sure enough, we go into the kitchen to get a drink and as I am standing in front of the sink, he grabs my nightgown just a little below my waist and hikes it up... I scream out "Don't you touch me!" in a very high pitched unladylike voice and swing around, glass in hand. He looks at me with such puzzlement and wonder, shrugs, and then walks into the other room. I immediately go to the bathroom, where I put on my cute, sexy, highly acceptable to be viewed, undercrackers. When I come out I timidly admit that I am unbelieveably embarrassed... and the reason. He doesn't even laugh, (which means he is a very smart man), instead he just says, "I was wondering why that warranted such a reaction." So there it is. I don't think I have anything worse to bare. The damage has been done and we are still together. Silly, that I thought them so important. Mood: content

	2008.10.20  18.32 Well... I was going to make a happy post about my loverlee boyfriend, but no... I had to go asking questions I didn't REALLY want to know the answers to, so... This may have to wait. I am still alive. And very well... well... maybe not quite that well now, considering... But anyways, I will post another better post soon. I swear. (Hold me to it!) Mood: pissed off