Madam Hela's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Madam Hela [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

So little to say and so much time! [17 Mar 2004|05:17pm] [ mood | crushed ] Whoops! Strike that... reverse it... there we go! Much has happened lately. I'm sort of in a transitional period right now... Viktor and I... well... there is no more Viktor and I. Just Viktor. And I. Not together. Two separate entities. Right now I'm working on picking up the pieces, as it were... Oh, who am I kidding? All I have to say is this: Kirov to evil! Viktor will know. He'll understand. If only he remembers I exist! Happy St. Patrick's Day! 1 comment|post comment

Happy St. Valentine's Day [14 Feb 2004|05:35pm] [ mood | content ] Today's Valentine's Day. Even though Viktor asked me to be his Valentine a few days ago, he's never called me back to make plans, so I think I might go out with Hermes tonight. I can just give Viktor the chocolates and dozen roses tomorrow. post comment

Whoa, whoa, whoa... [11 Feb 2004|08:29am] [ mood | impressed ] I woke up this morning and the whole world was covered in white stuff. It was so weird. It was also really cold outside. I turned on my computer to find some answers, and it said the A______ County area had received 16 inches of snow. Since there wasn't 16 inches of anything but the white stuff, I assumed that people call it "snow." I called Viktor yesterday. We were both really cool and collected on the phone. I think he likes me. He asked me to be his Valentine. But he also called me Victoria... I guess it's his new pet name for me. post comment

My big date! [08 Feb 2004|11:52pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | '39 ~ Queen ] Wow... I just got back from my date with Viktor. I had a pretty good time... We went to see the The World Martial Arts Toe Wrestling Championship. I was a little skeptical at first when he told me where we were going (I was looking forward to a nice romantic evening at some nice Hindi restaurant), but then I saw that the ring was filled with tofu, and I was like, "Coooool." My favorite for the evening was a Native American competitor named Little Big Toe--you should have seen how this guy used his toes! He had fancier footwork than someone who'd just had their toes snapped in a mousetrap. The Championship began at 7:00, and by 7:26 I was getting pretty hungry, so we went to the consession stand for dinner. Though I was hoping for some tofu, the gal at the consession stand told me that all their budget for tofu went towards the tofu they needed for the ring. I said that that tofu was okay with me, as long as they cooked it a little bit, but she said she could only give me fish and chips, so I had fish and chips and a coke. It wasn't quite the intimate, romantic dinner I was hoping for, but ah well... After the championship, Viktor and I walked home (because he doesn't have a car and I've never passed a driving test) and I noticed all these shady-looking guys hanging in the shadows... I didn't say anything to Viktor, because he was telling me about Friday night when he was attacked by this ninja. I was afraid if I said anything it would provoke the guys lurking in the shadows... I mean, Viktor didn't have Apollo with him, and I haven't worked out in a week--we'd have been helpless! Since they didn't do anything to us, I came to the conclusion that they were waiting for somebody else. When we were walking, we got pretty tired, so when we came to Viktor's house, we stopped for a while......... Then I came home, and I was really hungry so I ate some raviolis out of a can. 2 comments|post comment

Oh Susanna, don't you cry for me! [08 Feb 2004|02:29pm] [ mood | flirty ] [ music | You're My Best Friend ~ Queen ] I just got back from my luncheon with Susanna... that chick is nuts. I dunno. There's something not quite right about her--she ordered a chef salad when the waitress said the house's specialty was the garden salad. Who does that? Yeah, but, anyway.. she said she saw the name on my mailbox was "Death," and that was how she knew who I am. So much for being inconspicuous, I guess. I told her I couldn't help her, but I refered her to a few people I know. She really seemed to want me for the job, though--when I told her "no," she grasped my hands and practically begged. Though I didn't agree to help her with her father, I did offer her my coat; the poor girl's hands were like ice! I was laying out my clothes for my date (you know, the hot little ebay number), and there were dog chew marks ALL OVER IT... and I don't even have a dog... But all was not lost, because they almost looked like they belonged, so I've decided to wear it still. I'm going to go get ready for my date with Viktor. Bye! post comment

I'll be lazing on a Sunday afternoon! [08 Feb 2004|01:57pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] I guess I'm not going back to the office on Friday, because Viktor and I have a date tonight. I'm glad I decided not to wear my hot little ebay number when Charlie and I went to the carnival! Oh, yeah, I guess I should say that Charlie and I are kaput, for sure, because there's no WAY I can condone bestiality. Apparently, even though you can change a guy on the outside, he still has his animal urges. *Sighs*. I guess the news is getting out about who I am. Maybe I would be a little more inconspicuous if I had changed my name from Death, I don't know. But how can you just change your name when it's been your name for thousands of years? Anyway, I got this call from some girl named Susanna and she asked me to "whack" her "old man." I told her that I'm only on vacation, but she said something about the Irish-Italian mafia and how they never go on vacation. She didn't believe me when I told her that I'm unaffiliated. I'd be happy to help her, you understand, but I can't just go around killing people! Not when I don't get a memo. I don't know, though... Susanna asked me to go out to coffee with her today, and I accepted becacuse I really didn't know what else to do. 2 comments|post comment

Yeah, so I've made my decision. [07 Feb 2004|08:27am] [ mood | depressed ] I came to Earth to have a good time, but instead I fell in love. That's right, I fell in love with a guy--no, a MAN--named Viktor in this month. I've only seen him a few times, but that doesn't matter to me because it was love at first sight. Unfortunately, though, he hates me because I'm a bitch (his words, not mine--though I agree whole-heartedly. See for yourself: http://www.blurty.com/users/suicidalviktory). I'm so depressed! I sent Viktor some nude pictures of me, with the hope that they will help us reconcile. I don't know if it will work, though. In the past week I've gained about fifteen pounds. Why did my dad show humans how to make ice cream? Especially Haagen Das. I'm going to go pack my bags. Well, that was a blatant lie. I'm going to go sit by the phone with a pint of Coffee ice cream and hope Viktor calls me. My phone won't let me make calls, but I know it's still working beacuse six telemarketers have called since yesterday. 2 comments|post comment

Ohh... my goodness... [06 Feb 2004|12:02pm] [ mood | Ashamed ] I feel SO bad right now.... I just talked to Hermes and he told me that the phone in his summer place has a REALLY weak battery--if you leave it off the charger for more than, like, fifteen minutes it goes dead! I checked my messages for Tuesday and Wednesday morning, and Viktor called every five minutes!!! I feel so bad! I also feel so sad because I missed the chance of a lifetime. I bet Viktor hates me now. Especially since I tried to blow up the planet. Oh, about that... yeah, since Hermes knew that Viktor was trying to get ahold of me, he flip-flopped the red and green buttons. Why didn't he just tell me that Viktor wanted to go to the carnival with me? :-( 2 comments|post comment

Hermes is on my List, now. [05 Feb 2004|05:39pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | The Prophet's Song ~ Queen ] I can't believe Hermes betrayed me... I confided in him. He alone knew of my plans of destruction, and he THWARTED my devious plan! It's the Earth--who cares? Obviously those mortals could care less; that hole in the ozone (growing larger everyday) speaks for itself, I'd say. Despite all of that, Hermes decided to go soft... he had the guys in maintenance (apparently they do do work around the office) switch the "Destroy Button" (the big red button, in layman's terms) with the "Placebo Button" (the small green button). That's what Ingrid the Imp told me, anyway. I still need to talk to Hermes a bit. By "talk" I do mean strangle his scrawny little neck. Too bad he's an immortal entity, too. 6 comments|post comment

Sweet Lady, stay sweet... [05 Feb 2004|12:02pm] [ mood | enraged ] [ music | Sweet Lady ~ Queen ] The Button stuck. Now I have soooooo much explaining to do....... I bet Viktor had something to do with this. post comment

It's just a day at the circus... [04 Feb 2004|11:18pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Death on Two Legs ~ Queen ] Yeah, so I waited *days* for Viktor to call me. I kind of wanted to test him a bit before tomorrow. You see, I guess you could say that the fate of the planet rested on his shoulders, not that he cares. HE'S SO INCONSIDERATE! I mean, really... I am head over heals, and he doesn't even try to call me... or e-mail me or anything. I mean, well, maybe he doesn't know that I have an e-mail address (I do, Viktor!!) Anyway, I'm over him. I invited him to come to the circus with me (did he respond? Of course not!), but, when that didn't pan out, I invited this guy, Charlie. Okay, FINE, so he's not really a "guy"... until 2:30 pm today Charlie was my neighbors' pet armadillo. Not that it mattered to me, mind you. He was still better company than some people I know (Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor, Viktor). Really, I was able to get over the fact that he couldn't speak English or hold a fork relatively quickly. I used Body Shaper to make him just right, and, let me tell ya, Charlie was HOT-With-Two-T's!! He's about 5'2", 165 lbs., he has brownish-blondish hair (and he is *really* hairy!), he has eyes that sort of shift between brown and brownish-green and he has a voice like a lawn mower. Honestly, if this thing with Viktor doesn't pan out, I won't be too upset--Charlie's JUST my type. Except for that not-being-able-to-talk thing. Yeah, okay, so I *know* everyone can see through my paper-thin facade. I miss Viktor so much... but he really makes my blood boil, so if I don't hear from him by noon tomorrow, I'm pressing The Button. Luckily I'll be able to watch the show from my 6th floor window back at the office. Nobody can imagine how happy I am that the Heads in Charge decided not to build in Connecticut like they'd originally planned. Oh, the circus was cool. I'm saving all of the carnies from the destruction of the planet. It would be a tragedy to lose such an asset. post comment

Instantly reminded why I HATE MY JOB!!!!! [01 Feb 2004|02:48pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Queen ] I was talking to this imp I know named Jean-Louis from maintenance (yeah, and the building needs no upkeep, so you can imagine exactly what he maintains). He always got on my nerves. He enjoys his job too much, but he's always envied those of us with particularly dispicable powers like posession. Really, with current technology, posession is completely obsolete, not to mention cruel and unusual. My policy has always been, if it's their time to go, make it swift--show some mercy, for cripes sake! But there are always some Sick-Os that want to make these helpless humans' heads spin and make then speak in tongues and whatnot. Jean-Louis is one of those guys. I think it's because he's a bit on the frilly side, and this is how he compensates. That's just a guess, though. Hot_n_Spicey: hey there. Beautiful_G0ddess: Hi, Jean-Louis. Hot_n_Spicey: hows life on earth? Beautiful_G0ddess: Better than I could ever have imagined! Hot_n_Spicey: so did you possess a body or are you just observing your next victims? Beautiful_G0ddess: Nothing of the kind! I found this computer program that lets me create any body I want. Beautiful_G0ddess: It took me a few tries to get it right, though :-) Hot_n_Spicey: HAHAHAHA...... i cant believe yourr goin soft! Beautiful_G0ddess: It's such a waste, possessing bodies. I'm only going to be here a couple of months--you know as well as I do that these humans are recyclable. Hot_n_Spicey: yah but who cares? they all end up in the same place anyway so why should it matter whether their lives are cut short anyway? Beautiful_G0ddess: I give up. You were always my least favorite imp. [Beautiful_G0ddess has left the conversation] post comment

Nosebleeds... [01 Feb 2004|01:54pm] [ mood | pensive ] This morning I had a nosebleed in the shower (how inconvenient). Of course, by the time it stopped, the water had run freezing cold. Then I began to remember the past few nosebleeds I've had... there was that one I had while I was the EPITOME OF PERFECTION, and the time before that I had a nosebleed right before I told Adolf Hitler that I thought he'd make a better politician than an artist. Maybe it all means something? I think I'll start fearing whenever I have a nosebleed... post comment

Good things come to she who waits! [31 Jan 2004|11:25am] [ mood | bouncy ] For the past few days I've been getting pretty down about Viktor--our date was for the fourteenth! Yesterday, I was just heading over to the phone to call the office and tell them that Viktor was scheduled for a tragic bus accident, when who should call, but Viktor. Now, even though I'd been so mad at him, I could hardly contain my excitement... really! After a few minutes I completely forgot to be angry, because he gave me a perfectly logical and sound explainations. You see, he got captured by the Russians. Apparently, this isn't the first time that has happened. He gave me all the details, but I quickly became mesmerized by the drone of his voice, so I don't remember too much! Somehow, I started listening again, and I realized that he was setting up a date with me for the next evening!!!!! He even said he'd pick me up in a limo. It sounded like he was planning a night to remember. Then reality struck. It was almost 6:18 when he picked me up--exactly fourty-eight minutes after he said he'd pick me up. And he didn't pick me up in a limo; he picked me up in an old, red Jeep he calls, "The Chariot of Fire." Yeah. Look, buddy, I've seen the Chariot of Fire. Anyway, it turned out that he's one of those guys that spends thousands of dollars on a sound system, hydrolics, and neon lights even though his car doesn't run half the time. Nevertheless, I was in high spirits (honestly, I wasn't even ready until 6:12, anyway--I wanted to look really good for my date). When he came to the door, he asked about my parents, but I told him that I live alone (dunno how dad would have reacted to a human, even had he been living with me). He offered me his arm, and, even though that's a little bold for me, I took it because his knees were shaking pretty bad. We went out to eat at this weird Indian restaurant, but I think I ate stale popcorn, though that taste might have been induced by the massive amounts of incense... Then we went to see an awful horror flick. The whole time I kept waiting for him to put the moves on me (isn't that awkward? I hate waiting for that!). Finally, he pulled that "Rico Suave" trick and "yawned." Well, the moment he touched my shoulder I knew I wouldn't be able to contain myself. So, for the first time since I've had my dainty little body, I whipped out one of those neat powers immortal beings such as myself posess, and--wham-o--we were back at my place making out like crazy. Well... one thing led to another... and... well... when I woke up this morning, he was eating a bowl of Trix in his underwear. I love this life-thing! 7 comments|post comment

Blondes have more fun? [22 Jan 2004|12:09am] [ mood | depressed ] I can't believe this... it's been almost 10 days and he still hasn't called back. He doesn't even leave instant messages. I send him e-mails everyday telling him that he's a cool cat. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Maybe I should go blonde? post comment

You can monopolize me all you want! [13 Jan 2004|10:33pm] [ mood | devious ] Everything happened just as I planned. I met with Victor-with-a-"K" (which, apparently, is just "Viktor" to his close buddies) at his own home. I was chatting with people from work on Yahoo (apparently, that's the instant messaging service the cool people use), and they got me Viktor's home address, and told me that he's a bit kinky. They also said that he was recovering from a really strange occurance, and had been home watching trashy television all day. So I decided to make my move. His parents didn't say anything when I walked into the house, so I figured people must do it all the time. When I got upstairs, I opened the door all sultry-like, and said "Hello" in that deep voice that people like. I got a pretty good response. At first he was kind of blowing off the whole situation, but then I explained who I was, which, upon reflection, probably wasn't a good idea. I think he thought I was there to kill him or something. But I explained that, no, I was only there for my five dollars. He scampered around for a few minutes trying to scrounge up the dough, but instead he offered me a proposition. Aphrodite told me once that the best way to catch a guy is to pretend to be hard-to-get, but then relent and have sex anyway. I decided to give it a try, so I pretened to be reluctant. Anyway, he said that I could choose to play any game I wanted, and, if I won, I'd get five dollars and his 2000 Countdown Hat (yeah, how lame is that?), and if he won we'd go on a date. Talk about shooting two birds with one stone! If we go on a date, not only will we be going on a date, but he'll have to spend more than five dollars on me! Anyway, I agreed, and, just to mock his mortality, I chose the longest game possible--Monopoly. After four-and-a-half hours, I finally ended the game by getting the guys upstairs to make me land on his Boardwalk. Of course, I feigned disdain, but I gave him my address, my phone number, my e-mail address, and my social security number. When I came home, I danced a jig. I might add that I looked hot-with-two-"T"s tonight. I think that might have helped. post comment

...So you better get this party started! [11 Jan 2004|01:17am] [ mood | crazy ] I just returned from the BEST NIGHT OF MY HUMAN LIFE!!!!!! My new friend Joe Joe invited me to a party, because he said I could pass as being over twenty-one--whatever that means!--and it was so much fun. Guess who was there? Yeah! That crazy kid from the bowling alley. I didn't get to learn too much about him, but he is indebted to me. That was an old trick Aphrodite gave me ;-) Oh, and I discovered that his name is Victor-with-a-"K". Most of the people I've met only had one or two names, but I'm willing to accept him as he is! Anyway, he was making this crazy bet involving Cheez-Whiz, a mouse, and one called "Bull"... I don't know what was going on, but you can imagine that I was more than willing to lend him five dollars. What's five bucks to an immortal entity, anyway? As I could have prognosticated, Victor-with-a-"K" lost my five dollars. But I think I know how I'll get it back!!!!!! post comment

Rolling down memory lane (--it's a pun!) [06 Jan 2004|06:35pm] [ mood | chipper ] Well, I just partook in my first mortal action! That's right, I went bowling. Hey, Hermes' choice in a home hasn't really left me much of a choice as to how to spend my time. Mostly I've just been watching MSN messenger for hours on end... but I don't have any buddies, so it's kind of boring. Anyway, I went out to try to find some people to add to my buddy list, and Hermes told me that the bowling alley is the place to be. Well, when I walked into the dark, smokey room, the first thing I did was collapse on the floor in a fit of coughing. Once I grew accustomed to the second-hand smoke, I looked over at lane six, and saw this strange-looking character fling a swirly electric purple ten-pound ball down the lane. Needless to say, I was infatuated at once. Well, I think so. I mean, I always hear people talking about their stomach getting all fluttery, and mine was. Though, it might have been the hotdogs... All I know is that I have to see that studly stud again! post comment

Happy New Year!! [01 Jan 2004|11:20pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Love You to Death ~ Type O Negative ] Hey, it's me. I guess I should probably say a little something about myself. Most importantly, I suppose, is the fact that I am immortal. Not to make this sound like a resume or anything, but I have been the goddess of the dead for thousands of years. I know, I know, that sounds crazy--I thought it was crazy, too, when my dad informed me of my destiny! I mean, if you knew my dad, you'd always think twice before you believe anything he says; he's exceptionally fond of chaos. But that's neither here nor there. The part of my story you all should really be concerned about began only a few short days ago. You see, being an immortal entity has distinct drawbacks--not only are we expected to work seven days a week, but, as we are perpetually in good health, we never get sick days. Just a few days shy of Christmas, I was feeling pretty down, and I thought, "Come on! It's Christmas--how can I feel like this." I decided right then and there that the time had come for a vacation, so I marched right down to payroll and told the guys down there that the big guy needed to find a replacement. They were pretty perturbed; people don't like don't like my job, especially around Christmas. With my newfound freedom, the first order of business was to get a body--no way was I going to spend the forthcoming days as an intangible. I borrowed Hermes' credit card (he's always had a soft spot for me), went to the cyber cafe on the third floor, and logged on to ebay. I bought three necessities: Body Shaper, some clothes, and a really cool bean bag chair. Body Shaper is a computer program which enables the user to build a body. I've never been big on posessing people. When I took Hermes' credit card back to him, he said I could borrow his summer place is I wanted--that was an unbelievable relief, considering every encounter I've had with a realtor has not been pretty. The only downside is that it's in the middle of nowhere. That's okay, though. When I arrived at Hermes' place ten seconds later, a pleasant sight greeted my eyes. Not only was the place neither too ostentatious nor dilapidated, but it came completey furnished with a computer and DSL internet access. Score! However, he had a bean bag chair just like mine from ebay. That's a bit of a drag, but I think my neighbors need a bean bag chair. Everyone does, really. Finally, I was able to commence working on my body. It took a couple of tries to get it right, though. You see, my first attempt gave me a body that looked like a cross between Weird Al Yankovich and Amy Lee. I mean, I would have been okay with it, but I made the newspaper boy scream. Considering I'm trying to keep a slightly low profile, I decided to give it another try. My second try was the EPITOME OF PERFECTION. That was the file name, anyway. Well, the second I moved in, I got the worst nosebleed. I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but before the nosebleed even ended, a huge steel beam landed on my head and killed my mortal body. It was back to the drawing board... Like they say, the third time was a charm. Right now I look pretty decent, but nothing like the EPITOME OF PERFECTION. That's okay, though, because I think I'll still be able to have a good time on Earth. I wonder how long this little shindig is going to last. This is my first really long vacation period, and I'm thinking about taking a few months off. post comment

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