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|Tuesday, November 25th, 2003|
i got a new icon. i love it.
i was going to save all my money up for christmas presents and stuff... now i just want to go buy a switchblade. is that wierd?
im trying to appologize to catherine. i dont really know if she forgives me, or if shes just saying that, but i do know that at lease ive said what ive been feeling for so long. she used the word 'replaced' and its exactly how i feel. i just dont know if i can handle losing one of the only people ive been really close to since seventh grade. it seems like forever ago, and i dunno what id do if i lost another friend. especially because its catherine...
*dont bide your time, cause it is almost over...* Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: im sorry, blink182
|meh, im so tired...
today was... hmm...
b-not bad, got to play with food coloring with katie and elena, which was fun.
d-not great, not horrible...
e-i was pretty bored all period, kind of akward.
f-sat on the floor and slept.
h-dylan was awesome, we just talked and hung out
i got a kiss on the forehead from tori this morning because i was almost in tears outside of bio. it was reeeed. and then people started asking me if i was bleeding, so she kissed me again and it was pretty and black. tori always manages to make me feel better. if it were most other people it would be wierd getting kissed, but its tori, and shes special. try tho. itll make me happy if you try to break her record of 2. :-D brin seemed kind of strange today, not like, bad strange, but she was looking at me funny or something. meh, thats life.
i just watched the end of shrek with my sister, i love that movie. i start shivering when the music comes on when fionas tuning into an ogre, does that make me a loser? such a good movie...
catherine, if i sounded bitchy earlier, i dunno, i wasnt trying to be. i was just a little hurt that youd think of me as that shallow. im really not. Current Mood: indifferentCurrent Music: times like these, foo fighters
|fuck this place.
catherines pissed at me. well... surprise surprise. she hasnt really been paying much attention to me lately, and all i was doing was trying to be nice and keep one of my closest friends close, you know? but of course, she takes seriously something ment as a joke. maybe it didnt seem as sarcastic as it was, but she can ask katie, shell clarify. god, its not like im that fucking shallow...
this is the kind of thing that leads me to 'sulk.' now everyones going to say im overreacting. but im not. ive felt left out of everything for so long now, now no one would really call me one of their close friends. anyone else noticed that? everyone who i call a friend would write down pages and pages of other friends when askes, and id be either forgotten, or added just out of old habit.
i dont want to blame anyone. i just want to feel loved again. i trying so hard to be a better person, im trying so hard not to be so pessemistic. cant anyone see? or is everything in vain, because so one cared from the beginning?
no one will comment. no one wants to help. i guess im used to that by now.
*I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real * Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: hurt, johnny cash
|Monday, November 24th, 2003|
took this from kate a while ago, but i lost it when my other journal was deleted. fill it in if you want, im kinda pissed i lost all the other responses!
1. when and how did we meet:
2. have you ever seen me with my shirt off:
3. have you ever seen me cry:
4. describe me in four adjectives:
5. if we could spend a day together what would we do:
6. have we ever gotten in a fight:
7. would you hug me:
8. have we ever kissed:
9. has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to:
10. wanna makeout:
11. name one thing you dont like about me:
12. what song/band makes you think of me:
13. name one thing you envy about me: Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: innocent, our lady peace
|*youre dirty and youre sweet, you know youre everything to me*
today was cooooool. i HAD a pretty wristband durring DDR club, but then i kinda had to give it back. i really suck at ddr, but thats ok because i had fun. ISAAC MADE HIS HAIR PRETTY AND TORI GAVE HIM MAKEUP AND HE LOOKED REALLY PRETTY. :-D hung with people, ate food, 'danced' and then some freshmen guy came up to me in the caf and sat with me and started talking and stuff. it was scary, until he let me borrow one of his cds and i found out i LOVED it and im gonna go buy it. i cant remember who it was tho. sok. took the bus home... i love being in a car/vehicle at night. i love night. its so beautiful. really makes you think about everything, because its peaceful and serene.
what i found out is that im drifting from everyone. i dont want to be, but thats ok. ill talk to someone online for about a minute, then run out of things to say because its kind of wierd talking about things which youd normally talk about when you dont SEE anyone ever. i wish i believed in wishes coming true. hug?
*hold on, dreamaway. your my sweet charade.*
*You're cynical and beautiful
You always make a scene
You're monochrome delerious
You're nothing that you seem
I'm drownin' in your vanity
Your laugh is a disease
You're dirty and you're sweet
You know you're everything to me* Current Mood: confusedCurrent Music: any goo goo dolls off of dizzy up the girl
|letting the days go by..........
someone made an icon that i really want to use. its wicked beautiful, i just need then to respond to my comment. *sigh* i dont feel so good. sore throat, you know? whatever.
i wont be home tonight till nearly 6, so call then if you want, i dont know why but i really feel like i need to talk to someone. just one of those times i need to have a real conversation that actually means something.
i feel like im floating, still dreaming from last night, i never believe in dreams, but this one seemed so real... im a little freaked out. i dont know what my problem is. *smacks self* that didnt hurt. *bashes head agains wall* thats better. lost some brain cells there. how many left, maybe 20-something? *sigh* im a dork.
*dont let the days go by...
glycerine* Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: glycerine, bush
|Sunday, November 23rd, 2003|
|gah, im confused.
today was... off. didnt get anything done except my spanish HW which was drawing anyways. tomorrow im stayin after to go to the ddr club; pavliks supposed to be there. *claps hands* watching pavlik dance... guys can look very sexy on that game if theyre doing it right, and since pavlik WAS the supervisor for the breakdancing club a few years ago, im looking forward to this. the games not as bad as i thought, though i hate admitting it!
i actually want to go to bio tomorrow, is that wierd? *shrinks* dont ridicule me!
anyway, i miss everyone, im bored, and er... some other stuff. joined some blurty communities today, its cool, i like posting somewvere i know itll be read and really appreciated. ones a poetry site, so i can get feedback from some other really good writers. im happyish.
*talks to self* jill, the first step is admitting that you have a problem... i have a problem. the second step is telling yourself what that problem is. that i cant do yet. the third step obviously cant be reached yet. i need heeeeeeelp. *rocks back and forth in a corner* i better not start sucking my thumb... MAYBE IM INSANE. Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: the scientist, coldplay
|blah, its sunday morning and ive got no life
todays to do list:
do SOME homework
make plans for next weekend.
anything to add, i probably have time this afternoon, so whatever.
best songs ever:
my best friends girl-the cars
you give love a bad name-bon jovi
yesterdays-guns n roses
you shook me all night long-acdc
pour some sugar on me-def leppard
fight for your right to party-beastie boys
theres many more. thats just my mood right now.
What Buffy character are you most like? - It's been done - But it's
fun brought to you by Quizilla
FAITH IS MY HERO Current Mood: drainedCurrent Music: buffy theme music
|Saturday, November 22nd, 2003|
|lol... im such a rocker...
ok, so poem never got wroted, but thats ok.
me and brin had a ton of fun today. catherine should have come tho. we TOTALLY rocked out in the car on the way home, we listened to POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME, fight for your right to party, and the epitimy of all perfection, STACYS MOM! we missed the people who didnt come... ooh, and we got to hang out in the main office and check out the teachers mail and stuff, and i almost left an annamous love letter in pavliks box, but decided against it. *sigh* someday...
anyway, call me tomorrow if anyone wants to go see a movie at night or something. if your friends with me, you should know my number by now, so i wont bother posting it. :-D that was mean. 3699220. no area code for you... i have to go sleep now, because ive had a very exhausting day where i got 10 hours of community service. IN ONE DAY. so let me sleep till what, like, 8 tomorrow morning, and ill be happy. :-D
ps. people rock. like, my friends rock. and im totally having a party over the thanksgiving break, so everyone should talk to me about when theyre free because my house is DEFINITLY asking for a party. *hugs all friends* Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: pour some sugar on me, def leppard
i guess im feeling ok.
just had a really good inspiration for a poem. its nice when a friend makes you think of something to write without doing it intentionally. ill post it when im done, maybe itll do some good.
my hands have blisters. and my blisters have blisters. i raked a bunch of leaves in our backyard this morning, and its not even 11 yet. and im gonna be SO tired come 11 tonignt, ive just found out im gonna be working from 1-11 instead of 2-10. lots of work, its gonna take a LOT of coffee coolatas to keep me awake.
throat hurts a little. stupid losengers stopped working when i had two boxes a day durring my evil spell of mono.
*it always rains like hell on the loser's day parade* -broadway, goo goo dolls
Current Mood: inspired
Current Music: crazy train, OZZY!!!!
|Friday, November 21st, 2003|
nuffin happened today really. pavliks hot, 80s day was kinda scarring, brins making me a new cd (WITH THE JL THEME SONG ON IT) and ill take some suggestions. call me if you want to do something tonight.
wtching buffy right now. AWESOME SHOW. eliza dushku is my freaking idol. shes an amazing actress, shes beautiful, and she gets to kill people. what a life, lol.
JL on tomorrow night. im gonna miss it though because me and brin will be getting com. service doing stuff. so come if you want. yay!
call me and stuff, nothing better to do tonight. i want my frieeeeeeends. Current Mood: boredCurrent Music: st anger, metallica. yay metallica!!!!!!!!!!
|Thursday, November 20th, 2003|
|nothing special here
ok, back from school. or, 'art club.' i was there for like, 10 minutes, then me and catherine and heela went to starbucks/dunken donuts. it was fun, nothign else really happened, but i took the bus home at like, 5 and i was cold. and i have some new favorite songs. glycerine by bush, and im sorry by our lady peace. im bored, ive got no plans tomorrow, so if you want to hang out or go see a movie or something, call me.
I WANNA CUT MY HAIR!!!!!!! AND MAKE IT PRETTY AND RED!!!!!!!!! scared it wont look good four inches shorter though. input?
anyways, lifes good. and ive been thinking. wait. hold on, i cant remember what i was thinking about. nevermind, IM me later to see if i remember. Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: glycerine, bush
not a bad day, bio sucked, english sucked, (except for my outburst of 'THIS BOOK SUCKS AND THE CHARACTERS ARE DUMB!') spanish sucked, art was slow, but relaxing, lunch was ok, history was ok, and math was ok. that doesnt sound all pisitive, but it wasnt as bad as im making it sound. im in the library with catherine right now, just printed out something to paint during art this afternoon. its a rose and its pretty. :-D
nothing to do tomorrow night, call me if anyones hanging out anywhere. lol, i hope theres nothing going on on saturday, cuz im busy all friking day. but itll be fun, me and brin can hang out and shit like that. and there will be some quality acdc music.
school spirit week is scary. everyone had pj pants on. *twitch*
im tired and i want to paint and let my mind go blank entirely, but i cant because theres so many things on my mind, im gonna make a privite entry tonight to get it all out of my head, i guess. i dunno. if anyone actually cares they can just email me to read it, i just dont want random people out in the middle of nowhere reading my thoughts that i really only trust my friends to know. anyways, gotta go paint, so ciao all. *hugs* Current Mood: lazyCurrent Music: breathing, lifehouse
|yaaaaaaaaaay for awesome days after school!
yesterday was awesome. normal school day, nothing fun there, but after school was great. met everyone (basically catherine, heela, kate, craig albi and tim) in the caf, and went to mr flights room and hung out there for a while. then everyone left to go snog... yah well, what can you do, hahahaha. so me craig and heela just walked around then heela left, then we found tori andpeople and went to the I building and then we found the snogging people and went to get soda. AND TORI KILLED RAY! er, not really, but i thought she had and i almost lost my head. :-D so much emotional attachment to a cd player...
anyway, acorns outside, hung out on the hill, catherine and albi and kate and tim were all... busy... lol, ao me and craig just sat at the top and talked. i love talking to craig, never turns out to have been anything prodictive, but its always interesting... *pulls acorn out of shirt* there was kind of an ongoing acorn war which was funny as hell, because i cant aim for my life, and i ended up getting hit a lot more than i hit anyone else. gah, craig has better aim behind his back
that i have normally!
so its 3 in the morning and ive been awake for a while. :-D im a loser. anyone busy friday? we should do something. im shiiiiiiiivering. *steals someones coat* im stiiiiiiiiiiill shivering. why do i only have one sock? Current Mood: sleepyCurrent Music: its so quiet, everyones asleep
|Tuesday, November 18th, 2003|
have you ever said something totlly without thinking, and the regreted it the minute it came out of your mouth? its not good, let me tell you. my parents are upstairs talking in quiet voices, probably about me, and my biology grade, because im truly an awful person. i know i feel bad. i know i cant take it back now that its out, i just lied. and i didnt mean to. im there for you all, will someone hold true for me and call me just to check up on life? just because i need someone who understands what its like to have parents who care so much about you that its just hard to stand? parents who know everything about you, and only let you know it whan they think you need their help the most? i have parents who try and try to not be dissapointed in me, but its inevitable because im not good enough. i just dont know where to go with my problems anymore.
i cant blame it on them because all theyre doing is helping me.
i cant blame it on my friends, because i dont have a right to dump my problems onto their shoulders.
i cant blame it on teachers because theyre just doing their job.
and i dont want to blame myself, even though im the only one whos done anything wrong.
ever just wanted to cry, but couldnt because youd be making things worse for yourself? Current Mood: scaredCurrent Music: help, the beatles
before class-me and brin walked by pavlik just as i was talking about how my pants were too loose and were all low and shit... im so smooth. :-D
bio-had to change rooms because some kid got sick, we went to mr flights room. me and katie sat in back and were bored. we watched an AWESOME movie about evolution
art-pickman wants me in his architexture (sp?) class. im happy.
lunch-went to the ceramics room and listened to the kinks. LOLA ROCKS.
history-quiz, got back a test (58%) and talked about WWI
catherine wasnt in school today! *hugs catherine* FEEL BETTER!
*Well I left home just a week ago,
and I never ever kissed a woman before,
Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
she said, "Little boy, gonna make you a man."
Well I'm not the world's most masculine man,
but I know what I am and in bed I'm a man,
so is Lola.
Lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo Lola.*
FUNNY AS HELL. anyway, todays a homework day. which means i want you to call me. :-D and do my homework for me. because im laaaaazy. (its just bio!) i cant find pants. i need some pants to wear tomorrow, anyone want to go shopping sometime? *the mall is calling to you*.
grr, if people are still sad i want them to talk to me. even though no one admits it, talking to someone REALLY helps, and im not gonna criticize you dont worry. *does one of those little things that girl scouts do with their hands when theyre making a promise*
brin, saturday and the spelling bee are gonna rock, people should come and help us! 9783699220 if you want 8 hours of cmmunity service. (or, any amount under 8 because you can come at any time. as long as you help us!)
Current Mood: orange. (dont know why)
Current Music: lola, the kinks
|Monday, November 17th, 2003|
im wanting you again \m/
My January friend
I'm wanting you again
I wanna touch ya
Every single heart that beats
so great. i need gutterflower.
\m/ rock on. and check out some goo goo dolls, JANUARY FRIEND!!!
Current Mood: rockin out
Current Music: january friend, goo goo dolls
|jingle bells, jingle bells... :-D
catherines sad, which is kinda scary because shes not usually sad so i think she needs to be happy. *hugs catherine*
anyway, i just talked to mtv online and he had a rosenbaum icon from smallville. sketchy? lol. talked to ron too. and... mike/peter/tony because they just HAD to tell me tonys sn. odd. so i decided that i want some coffee, right? so my mind wanders off into fantasy land where im getting a coolata at dunken donuts and pavlik came into my head somehow (whats new?) and it was really wierd. my mind can do wierd things when pavliks involved. :-D im not perverted, im sane, i swear!
spelling bee this saturday night. if anyones going to make plans, so it for sunday or friday, ok? because me and brin are gonna be getting 8 hours of community service setting up for the auction and just hanging out and eating. actually, come to think of it, we need more help, so anyones welcome. just no one have any parties or fun stuff saturday!
oooooh happy stuff! were getting a huge hot tub off of our back deck, fits a bunch of people, im definitly going to have a party sometime, ive got a pretty good party house, i just never use it. but seriously, itll be really cool, in like a month when its installed and stuff. people your totally coming over soon. \m/
craigs sad too. *hugs craig*
FEEL BETTER EVERYONE WHOS SAD! Current Mood: sleepyCurrent Music: acdc should totally do a version of jingle bells
heres a list of jills mood swings today, lol...
before school-super depressed
a-pissy and tired
g-stressed then happy
d-super happy then let down and tired
e-sad because alice just HAD to talk about unwanted subjects
f-stressed and lonely
h-annoyed and lonely
now-confused and stressed (yet happier)
wow. my life is wieeeeeeeerd.
and ive decided i want to make a list of all brandon boyds most inspiring lyrics, because hes amazing and he can relly lift my mood, because hes freaking BRANDON. my uncle promised to take me to see incubus next time they were near boston; hes so cool.
~the day you were born you were born free
that is your privilege
~the consequence you'll see will be
stranger than a gang of drunken mimes
~So don't let the world bring you down
not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old
~If you let them make you
they'll make you paper mache
at a distance you're strong
until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away
~Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes yeah
~Not two days ago I was having a look in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
cause lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcomed vacation from
the burdens of the planet earth
like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D
but thinking so much differently
~Better than watching Geller bending silver spoons
better than witnessing newborn nebulas in bloom
she who sees from up high smiles and surely sings
prospective pries her once weighty eyes and it gives you wings
~I'm counting UFO's
I signal them with my lighter
and in this moment I am happy, happy
~I don't wanna talk to you anymore
I'm afraid of what I might say
I bite my tongue every time you come around
Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground
~ she called out a warning
don't ever let life pass you by
~You could see me reaching
so why couldn't you have met me halfway
you could see me bleeding
but you could not put pressure on the wound
Current Mood: better, happier, stressed tho
Current Music: mexico, incubus