||[19 Feb 2013|09:43am]
I've ruined you, haven't I.
You insisted I didn't, but I saw you crack, just for a second. That look of doubt, the awful wondering.
You've been a mess lately, haven't you. Ever since I...
Maybe she ruined me, or at least part of me.
Why can't I fix it?
I miss the days when you were angry with me, but now...
Last night we visited everyone upstairs and I was too torn apart to talk. I think it was about 2AM.
Spine was in shambles. She insisted I didn't care about anyone but myself. She began attacking me, fiercely, angrily. At some point Laurie knocked her back and tar came pouring out of her bones. We fought it for a while, then Leon showed up and stopped it. Spine was left in a heap in the corner, still sick, still scared. Leon had to take her to a cathedral to recuperate. I was scraped out.
Lynne was on the phone with Leon when we walked in, trying to figure out what was going on. Laurie asked her if she'd always had that room, Lynne said it was relatively new, but then added "but you haven't really been around." I thought that was weird, where is Laurie when she's not with me then?
She could tell I had a huge orange block, and started pulling huge clots of black ink from my stomach. I was so terrified of her being anywhere near that energy level that I was shaking, trying not to cry, burying my emotions deeper by the second. Lynne told me not to, that I was only burying myself alive with that darkness. She reiterated that I had a serious problem here. I think she had to stop because I was shutting down.
Lynne also pointed out my flawed black and white thinking. She asked me if she was 'good' or 'evil,' and how would I know? For a minute I was legitimately unsure, she saw this and wasn't happy with it. She said I needed to stop being so absolute, it was destroying me. She asked Laurie why she had slacked off in the discipline department when it came to keeping me on track. When Laurie sputtered that she couldn't quite hurt me like that anymore, and rhetorically asked Lynne if she could, she actually considered it, and it frightened me. There was a strange anger in her for a moment, but she suddenly caught it, realized some of the tar had stuck to her. Laurie tried to cut it out but Lynne told her to stop: "I can't respawn like he does." I don't know why that felt so ominous.
...That's when I realized I had broken you. Right then, when Lynne asked why you weren't so harsh with me anymore, and your expression betrayed a five-year change that I had somehow been ignorant of. How could I...
Lynne said I hadn't, that you were full of shadows back then. Was that better? Was it worse? I couldn't tell. I don't think you could either.
Josephina was better. He said Laurie had "lied to him" about the hacks, that she was downplaying them in explaining them, I forget why, but the reason made sense. Jo didn't get angry at me, even when Laurie asked him if he could. Maybe the darkness is stuck on Lynne's level.
He reached out and tapped my yellow chakra, it felt like ceramic, he said it was practically frozen. I asked how everyone was reaching into my energy field so easily, and he said that being the system anchor I act as a sort of living gauge as to the systems health. He then said that in certain conditions my energy was very easily manipulated, which is why it was dangerous for me to be up late. He broke the yellow block and accidentally overloaded it temporarily, he crystallized an orb of it "for later" with a smile. For a moment my self-respect came back, it was nice.
The few minutes after that weren't. Instead of going to see Nat, Laurie pushed me into a room of unformed white headspace and took out her axe. There was a sick second of fear mixed with excitement on my part before the blade slammed into me like it used to. She was angry. I forget what she was shouting at me, but it was true, albeit brutal. She cut me to ribbons really, but not too long after she started, we both realize I wasn't "respawning." I was finding myself incapable of pulling my pieces back together. Laurie paused, looking completely distraught, and forced me to solidify again. I don't think either of us said anything for a minute after that. We just realized what a terrible mess we were in. We left quietly.
Nathaniel expected us to show up. I vaguely commented that he didn't look "like he used to," he reminded me that he had died several times and then completely switched his color. He said he'd been feeling a lot of imbalances lately, but there wasn't a total green block. There was just a weird 'edge' around it, allowing me to give forgiveness and compassion, but keeping it from really reflecting back in, and the whole color was suffering. I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to love myself all of a sudden, unless I was in third person. I think they mentioned Celebi momentarily. I remembered how I messed that up. Nathaniel told me to come back any time I wanted to, and that he really did care about my well-being.
Waldorf hugged you when you walked in, took her a second to realize I was a mess, she was worried. We asked her how she was still talking with this system upset, she said it was because I had gotten the guts to talk to several people about overcoming my old hurts lately, that assertion was keeping her going. She said I needed to stay honest with myself about that. I was having problems discerning the truth though. Somewhere around here my boss actually showed up, completely unexpected... said he'd talk to us later, Wally saluted him, it was adorable. I was exhausted at this point so we had to move quickly.
We couldn't warp over to Leon's level, figured he was still at a cathedral. Laurie contacted him and he warped down to us, then over to the cathedral together. Spine was still there, didn't look much better. I kept apologizing. We brought her back to her slot and then went to talk to Leon. He said his level was having weird problems, it was dark and shouldn't be. He was having trouble discerning things, we figured it was because the lower levels were somewhat out of whack. Laurie asked him about risks, couldn't we use that to our advantage here, and help me take good risks instead of throwing myself into losing bets? He said he didn't want to treat that sort of behavior lightly, Laurie said that's not what she meant, maybe we could go back to ultimatums and retribution. Neither of them sounded sold on the idea though. I was too hollowed out to care either way.
After this we went to talk to my boss, but I was fading so fast I don't remember that...
I made the stupid mistake of re-reading some old Skype conversations this morning.
Last year, at this time, I was something bright and beautiful and inspirational to them. We dreamed of a future together, all of us, bringing light to the world around us.
She used to say she loved me, that she wanted to spend forever with me.
"You've been feeling the truth... But these demons will do everything they can to try and stop you from seeing it... sometimes you won't be able to see it. And you can't face them alone. But that's why God gave you me."
Do I... do I really break my relationships so easily? Am I really that bad with commitment? Am I really that selfish? Why do all my ties to other people end up snapping by my own hands? And why, in some sick way, am I glad that it's over? Why do I need communication and yet I'm terrified of people? I drove you away, I underestimated my own damage, you thought I was a monster. And then one day you realized, maybe you didn't ever really love me at all. The only reason that hurts is because I wonder, how badly did I manipulate you? Am I really that bad of a person?
Why the hell do I care? It's over. It's over, and I need to let go for good.
But, Laurie... God, that just breaks my heart, how did I...?
I don't want to go to class today, it's so draining, I am so tired. This is just like 2009. I used to cut class and go hide in the corners of coffeeshops, numb, unable to bear looking at another naked woman for another two hours, unable to bear the screaming in my head from pink and violet the entire day. It would be just me, Genesis, and a green tea latte, talking about our problems over a sketchbook until the sky outside turned dark and I was forced to drive home... God I miss that so much, I swear I could cry just thinking about it. We would wander around campus for hours, sleeping in the rotunda underneath that beautiful painted dome, Abbey humming on my lap, sunlight streaming in behind me. There was the night I stayed in the art room until 11PM, hands covered in pastels, surrounded by empty easels. All those days we spent sitting in the psychology lounge, listening to other peoples conversations, reflecting on that hope-filled quote emblazoned above our heads... the covert visits to the music building, sitting next to the elevator and listening to pianos through closed doors, wandering downstairs and laughing in empty hallways... quiet foggy evenings in the science study room, my favorite place on campus, that tiny cozy spot hidden underneath the stairwell... all of it with you, you golden-blessed creature, what the hell did I do to you? Where are you now? I don't see you much anymore, and I know it's because I kept pushing you away.
I lost my innocence.
I had it stolen from me, and I told myself that it was supposed to happen, so stop fighting back.
After so many years I forgot how to feel and I kept wandering back into the abyss simply because I was used to being dragged there.
Now I'm a wreck, now I can't tell what's up or down, now I can't see straight. Everyone knows I have a problem. But only I can fix it, they say.
I don't think I can fix it without you... but I've ruined you, haven't I.
You used to be this brilliant knight, this indomitable violet rage, my dark and jagged guardian angel. You were perfect.
Then I was enough of a bastard to start breaking your walls. Now look at you.
Why is that such a bad thing, the fact that you don't have the heart to treat me so harshly anymore? Why do I miss the pain? Is that why I'm forcing myself deeper and deeper into disaster? Am I secretly hoping that one day you'll snap, that one day I'll snap, and my bleeding arms will once more hold purpose?
But I don't want to go back to that, ever. I want to be happy, and free of this pain.
I want to be able to sleep at night without being attacked, and no longer caring.
I want to be able to leave the house without seeing danger wherever I turn, and no longer caring.
I hate how the only time I feel fear, the kind that wants to keep me safe, I smother it. Someone gets too close, someone makes a sound, someone looks a certain way, and that sick rush of all-too-familiar panic rises up immediately. Every nerve in me screams to get away, but instead of running, what do I do? I close my eyes and stand there, shaking, telling myself to stop being an idiot and let them do what they want. They have the right idea, not you.
I never ran away before, after all. I couldn't.
I'm not even suicidal anymore. I'm just empty. I just want to die.
There's a light in here somewhere, that I know, but it's having a hard time shining through years and years of accumulated pain.
Why the hell can't I just make it disappear? Isn't that how it's supposed to work? "Only a fool trips on what is behind him." I should be able to just let go of it and keep walking, keep smiling, act like it never happened, it's all fake anyway, it doesn't matter.
But after so many years of trying, it's still happening. It's actually getting worse. What am I doing wrong?
I wish I could go back to sleep, but beds aren't safe anymore either.
God I am so tired.
Laurie, I'm sorry.
That sounds insultingly paltry but words don't work to properly communicate the total and overwhelming contrition I feel about this.
Maybe it's not a bad thing, but I'm not good at judging that, as you know. I've had too many things twisted into horrible shapes to recognize them in their natural state anymore.
Maybe it's a good thing that I've worn off your sharpest edges, who knows. I know it's a good thing that you can smile now, and care about everyone else just as much as you cared about me.
But I can't see anything being a good thing when I'm involved. Not me, not this defiled and filthy remnant of a boy here. I'm in tatters, and now you're trying to fix me, before you would just stand there and berate me for getting myself into that situation, then walk away; why do I miss that so much?
It seems that every time I dare to love someone, I ruin them. I've broken all of you in some way, every last one of you. You're all battered and bruised now, because I dared to get close to you, what an absolute bastard I am. If I had kept my burning hands to myself none of you would be covered in scars.
Fire isn't something you can mix. You know that. We talked about this. It's why she can't be with me, it's why he can't be with me, it's why nothing stays together. It all falls to ashes. I burn it all away.
But you, damn it all, you burn just as much as I do, and the thought of hurting you is the most terrifying thing in the world.
I can't get close to you. It would be abominable, an unforgivable sin.
You know this. You warn me, whenever I slip into delusional oblivion and try. You warn me every damn time and I still try to force myself by.
You were my angel, for the love of God, you were everything to me even when I'd turn my back on him after so many years. You were the only one who hadn't been marred by my existence.
And then I went and burned it all to the ground.
I am such a fucking idiot.
I've ruined you, haven't I.