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[12 Dec 2009|12:32am] |
I just get these days
blessed with spinal shivers
snowflakes in the frigid air
words caught in misty clouds
wishing on streetlights
praying to see the stars
holding memories close
I am lost in a euphoric dream
captivated by the emotions
that have no written name
echoing through airwaves
caressing every thought
with compassionate enigmas
until time pauses for a moment
something shivers into place
a long forgotten song
this blissful hope
I reach out to feel the rain
and all I can think of
is you.
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| apart at the seams |
[08 Dec 2009|11:01pm] |
When I love someone, I tend to take it for granted.
Sure, I miss them when they're not around... yes, I think about them constantly... and of course I'm constantly doing things for them, because of them.
However, I don't show it very well. Sometimes I don't even say a word.
Why?
Because, far too often, I feel I don't need to. When I'm in love, I keep that person always in my heart, and the connection never breaks. Because of that constant 'closeness' on my part, I make the assumption that the person I love could never doubt what I'm feeling, could never misunderstand my words, could never feel rejected, because I have that gorgeous and honest connection. I would never leave them.
It's a painful mistake, because no one knows or realizes that, and there's no way they could.
Actions speak louder than words, but what if there's no way they could even know of my actions? I don't always realize that... and they're left with the creeping fear that I've closed them out, when in fact I'm just too far away.
So, when they do leave, when they do break that connection on their side and move on, suddenly I'm left with a wire that doesn't connect to anything. I'm suddenly left without half the lights I had been smiling under, and the unexpected darkness terrifies me. I am left with nothing but this horrible new emptiness.
It's silly, though. This keeps happening to me.
It aches lately. I've been thinking about all the souls that have walked out.
I don't ask for them to return once it's 'over', no... even if I never consider it to end. Still, regardless of my hope, times have changed forever; no one can rewind the past, no one can change the circumstances. Too many days have slipped by, and I can never regain what I have lost.
All I want now is for them to be completely, truly happy in their new lives. That's it.
Why am I so foolish?
Why do I love people in silence, only to one day find that they've slipped through my fingers?
I'm always left with so many regrets.
I'm not even sure if I want relationships now, be they friendly or whatnot. I just end up choking on the strings.
It's a sad thought, and I'll have to talk about it another night... but as for now, at precisely 11:11PM, I am wishing for the continued happiness of the hearts I have been blessed enough to know, as I close my eyes and fade away into the piano keys.
No, I never said goodbye
And I never really told her just how much she meant to me
No, I never said goodbye
Now it's too late and she's just a memory
How can I go on
Now that girl is gone
I will know, until I die
I never said goodbye
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[20 Nov 2009|11:42pm] |
so why do I keep torturing myself?
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[14 Nov 2009|12:03am] |
I'm terrified.
I don't want to lose her.
This world cannot afford to lose her.
Is there nothing I can do?
There's so much more I need to say
but I can't find the words today.
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[07 Nov 2009|07:26pm] |
My head aches.
This house is full of shouting and anger, of stress and selfishness.
I've been ostracized; those around me have forgotten how to forgive even the smallest transgressions.
They focus their minds on insignificant luxuries, blind to the looming shadows rising around them.
Nevertheless, I am cold and tired,
and so I shall drown myself in disco
until the pain in my temples subsides.
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| once |
[29 Oct 2009|01:41pm] |
He's my lifeline, my blue lifeline.
God's done some funny things with my life, honestly. He's given me irreplaceable help, beautiful things that others overlook and take for granted.
I need to focus on them. I need to focus on what I keep in my heart.
This world stole my innocence. It held out that apple, that poisonous, wretched thing, and forced it down my throat. They told me such things were 'normal.' They told me that 'you need to match our perceptions,' that I had to 'fit the mold.'
They tore me apart and smiled at the bloody wreck I had become.
I still dream of scalpels, of needles and the dim rush of anesthesia.
I need someone.
Not a lover, not a romantic partner. I need a companion; someone who despises this restraint as much as I do. Someone who can see the things I see. Someone with the sort of love I have.
I don't know who I'm looking for, and I don't even know why.
It's hard for me to understand.
Speaking of, I have work to do.
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