Glass Garden's Blurty|
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Glass Garden's Blurty:
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|Tuesday, December 30th, 2003|
Hey guys, I'm new. I've been cutting for about 3 years now, the stopped cutting, started again and am once again trying to stop. Check out my new SI community xnothingxsafex Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: saves the day[holly hox, forget me nots]
|Sunday, July 13th, 2003|
sorry about cross-posting from other journals
The subject of me being a whore has been a really big issue with me and my close and not so close friends recently. It's not that I go out and fuck every guy I can, I refuse to go past 2nd base...but basically any guy that likes me can.
I'm attracted to everybody.
People call me a whore, and I'd say they have good reason.
But I don't want to believe that I am.
I just got into a fight with my more than friend-friend's friend (heh) because he's scared i'll break the boys fucking heart.
I really like this kid.
I like him so much.
I'm terrified of doing the same thing to him that i've done to dozens of guys before, just make them think they're special and then trash them.
I can't do that to this darling boy.
I'm trying to believe that i'm not a whore.
I mean, tonight. I was trying to lay off.
But we were sitting on a bed watching boondock saints and there were dozens of people around and i wanted to cuddle and i knew everyone would be things "sluuut" but i curled up around him anyway.
I can't do things like that.
I don't want to be like that.
I think of myself as such a slut.
I think i can get any guy I want
I take way too much advantage of that.
I piss myself off.
It doesn't help that i've got this stupid dependancy disorder,
and have issues with being alone, and single, and i make myself so vunerable.
I hate it.
blah. There's my lovely ranting.
|Tuesday, July 8th, 2003|
I hate that every time I come to right in here, I'm feeling down. Maybe I just don't think I need therapy when I'm happy. I feel like I'm doing all right then. Every time I'm feeling up, I could swear I'm cured, I'm all better. I should remind myself it's total bullshit, but it feels so good to feel normal for a while, and to pretend I am.
Had a small anxiety attack yesterday, more of a mood swing, really. Got into an argument with Damion over something immensely stupid; he loves to dance, and I'm too anxious in a crowd to join him, and I'm just a spaz dancer. He likes going to raves and shit, he dances like a pro. I just end up looking like a spazzy white girl. He wants to teach me to dance, but he wants to teach me at a club or a rave, and I am far to nervous to get in front of a crowd of people and look like an idiot while I'm trying to learn. It may sound stupid, but that scares the shit out of me! To the point where we seldom go out to bars and clubs anymore, cuz I just feel miserable and self conscious the whole time, even when I'm hiding in a corner trying to look inconspicuous. I really do try to fight it, but sometimes it's just too much. Part of the reason it pisses me off is that I know if I were to just not care and just dance just to enjoy myself, Damion would want to tell me what I'm doing wrong, or remind me that I'm getting better, or that I'm learning, and that would make me think about what I was doing, and I'd get nervous and upset and have to sit down. It happens all the time, and he doesn't understand why I get upset. God this sounds so stupid, it shouldn't even be an issue, it's just dumb. I've always been a wallflower, I should just accept that, right?
Anyway, when we got home, I was already in a nervous state, when I realized I have a week before the deadline for my financial aid application. It was already filled out, I just had to drop it off. Only now I can't find it. I searched everywhere in this apartment, but it's just gone. Maybe it got thrown away when I was cleaning last week, I don't know. But that just sent me over the edge, and I just laid in my room and cried. I have to do that shit all over again, and then go turn it in. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but paperwork and college equals big fucking hassle. I had nightmares last night, and woke up this morning already tense just thinking about the general idea of college. School's a month away, and I don't even want to go back. I'm kind of afraid to, I don't know why. I guess because after this year, I have to make a decision as to where I'm going next, and that terrifies me too. Fuck. Why does summer have to end?
Well, that's my whining for today. Don't know when I'll come back on here again, I've been neglecting all my journals.
|Thursday, July 3rd, 2003|
Ah, yes, i see that this community has an early adopter account.
i didn't want to make a whole entry on this, but i didn't know where else to put it...
I'm fairly decent at layouts and such.
I'd be happy to take on the task of creating a layout for this.
I'm not going to get into my "disorders" and "disabilities", aka what's wrong with me, but I hope I can be of some sort of help.
If you want background information on my glorious life, feel free to ask.
I can relate to a lot of things.
I am one of the few people that can truely say "I care about you" because I do. Yes, you can care about people you don't know.
I'm always online, if you feel the need to talk to a third party, my aim is He Is a Duck, and my e-mail is email@example.com.
don't be shy. I'm here to help.
Add me if you wish.
|Tuesday, June 24th, 2003|
i havent been journaling a lot lately (a sure sign that i am not doing well). i saw my doctor and she told me i am 10% better.
i am no longer suicidal, just apathetic towards my existence.
ugh so now i feel even worse, apparently i will be on medication long term, as long as it keeps workign i dont really care.
sometimes i wish my doc wouldn't be so open with me i thought i was doing great till she started measuring my mental health.
hope every one has at least one genunie smile today
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: bjork: army of me
|Saturday, May 24th, 2003|
Just go away.
Haven't written in a while. That's the current theme in all my posts the last few days. Haven't felt like writing. I was on a summer's here buzz, out everyday having a good time, thrilled that school is finally over for the semester. The buzz has worn off though, and now I feel crappy. I feel like a slug. Last week has been just strange, I've been feeling sick and tired and weepy and lonely. Depression is settling in like a dark cloud. I've been having to force myself out of bed in the morning. I don't know what to do with myself. Even when I finally get up and out, I feel so tired. My body slumps and aches like I'm 80. And I haven't seen my fiance in weeks. His car has been broken. And we've both been too busy to really get to talk to each other. Yesterday he went all day without calling, he was out with friends. I felt like crying, I missed him so much. I felt so bad yesterday morning, I thought I was gonna just break down. When he called, the sound of his voice felt so good, it was like relief for a little while. But we didn't talk for long, and as much as talking to him cheered me up, I felt that much worse once he let me go. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm supposed to look for a second job, been meaning to for a couple weeks now, and it's like I'm scared to. I'm wondering how I'll handle another job. I've been doing fine at this one, because it doesn't entail much; I just sit outside of an arcade and keep an eye on things, no pressure at all. Working some place where I'll have to handle customers, and actually do stuff, actually scares me. Isn't that pathetic? But I'm afraid I'll come in one day, and my depression will come back, and I'll be talking to the customers like I'm a zombie, feeling tired and sick and cranky, and then maybe I'll lose it and have a panic attack, or I'll get angry at some customer and snap, and then they'll fire me or I'll have to quit. It's happened before. It's like I can't handle working with people. I thought I was better, I've been off medication and functioning pretty well for a while. But I've had this easy job, and school, so I haven't been in a really stressful situation for a while. And god, I am not miss customer service! I can't come into work everyday and smile and try to talk people into buying things. I'm no good at that. I'm almost terminally shy when it comes to approaching people. I can't seem to break myself of that. I don't know why, but I'm always so afraid to speak up. When I stand in line at a fast food joint, and they forget my food, or I'm standing there for 15 minutes while I see my order sitting on the counter and they've just forgotten it's there, forgotten I'm there, I rarely ever say anything. I never say "Excuse me, I've been waiting here for a while now, isn't that my order sitting right there?" Or telling them something when they just forget about me all together. Or mess up my order. I am so unconfrontational. I can't handle it. And I'm so scared to get a job. I don't want to fuck it up. I know my Dad is already looking at me because he wants me to get another job and save some money this summer so I won't just be sitting around the house 4 days a week, but I'm so scared. I'm gonna fail, or have a nervous fucking breakdown, and have to quit, or end up back in a hospital. Why do I feel like I can handle so little? Why am I so afraid? I feel so fucking weak and pathetic. I think this entry must sound ridiculous, like what am I bitching about? God I wish I were normal. I wish I could just get a job like my brother, save some cash, and just move out and be normal. Wish I wasn't tired all the goddamn time, no matter how much or little I sleep. Wish it didn't feel like such an effort just to get anything at all done. I just want to be fucking normal and functional. I want to get on with my life.
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2003|
alright i'm new
i'm grace. i'm 15. i was told i'm just suffering from depression. but they recently decided it was probably bipolar. i'm on zoloft in the morning and respiridol *sp?* every night. niether of which help. i'm always sad. but act happy ALWAYS. i'm funny. i'm creative. and i write poetry that scares people. yah. so thats me. i'll be keeping in touch.
|Thursday, May 8th, 2003|
I'm not really new, I just haven't really posted so hi. My name's Trace. I have problems with anxiety and panic attacks. I have to take Xanax for it everyday, though I usually neglect it.
That's all, bye now.
|Thursday, April 24th, 2003|
"Not fit to raise gerbils, let alone kids."
How many people here think "genetic inheiritance" could be more than just DNA-transferred? What I mean is... I think a lot of the pressure "to be the best", "to look and act normal", and "to make us proud" that I get from my parents is a big contributor to my mental and physical states. I know without parents I'd be a totally different kind of person: maybe good, maybe bad. But who knows? Not saying I don't want them anymore. No. Not saying I'd be better off without them, tho'. I just think this is why my dad told me to "always use a condom" and my mum said "kids are a burden and a blessing": they know they weren't ready for it, shouldn't have had me, and they don't want me making the same mistake.
Or maybe they're just fuckers.
Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Blindside - The Endings
Has anyone else in here been on Paxil or Serzone before? Because I had a weird experience coming off of them, and I wanted to know if anyone else has experienced the same thing.
When my shrink told me I could stop taking my meds, that I was better, she didn't tell me I needed to lessen my dose, or come off of them slowly; she said I could just stop. I was taking Paxil and Serzone at the same time. When I stopped, I had this weird episode. I was standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, when my thoughts started racing. My thoughts were going so fast I couldn't keep up with them, and they started raising in volume. Everything seemed to speed up; when I moved, it seemed too fast, and every sound I heard was massively amplified in volume and sounded sped up. My vision was all wavy, and pulsating, like the blood pumping in my eyes was pumping too fast, affecting my vision. I started to hyperventilate, and my breathing was so loud and sharp and fast, I wanted to stop. I sat down on the floor and gripped my head and I kept thinking stop it, stop it, stop it, but even that thought was like a scream in my head, my head was full of screams, and I couldn't stop panicking. It only lasted a little while, maybe 5 minutes, then it started to go away, and everything became normal again. I was crying by this time, and really shaky, and I was home alone. I immediately picked up the phone to call my doctor, but they told me she was on maternity leave. The doctor they had left my case with was busy. I was nearly screaming at the receptionist, I needed to talk to someone immediately, what is wrong with you people! I thought for sure they'd have someone available to talk to in case of emergencies. All they were able to do was offer to schedule an appointment for that day, which I couldn't do because I had no car, and was home alone. So I just hung up on them in frustration and sat on the couch crying until I calmed down.
The weird thing about it is, I remember having experiences like that as a kid. It never freaked me out back then, but I had forgotten all about them, it had been years since that had happened. I never knew what they were, they would just happen every so often. I don't think I ever told my parents about them, because I didn't know how to explain it. I didn't know how to explain to them that everything got really loud and fast sometimes. I don't remember exactly how old I was when I used to have them, or when it stopped happening.
I told my Dad about the episode I had in the bathroom, and how I used to get them as a kid, only I'd forgotten about them. I also remembered having hallucinations as a child, seeing cockroaches and snakes all over my walls and bed at night, and I'd pull the covers over my head to make them go away, and they'd be inside my covers, and when I'd shut my eyes, they'd still be on the insides of my eyelids. Dad said I had a lot of drugs in my system as a child, because I had surgery very young, and he thought that might be why. Who knows what morphine can do to a 2 year old kid? Maybe that's what it was. I just thought it strange that I had a...I guess you'd call it a flashback...after I stopped taking my meds. I was wondering whether anyone knew anything about this? It happened about a year or two ago. Anyway, thanks for listening, all.
|Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003|
My psycho-logist always asks me about my love life. He never seems interested in anything but whether or not I've met any nice girls .. or guys. *Facefault* ... I mean, is love and affection the key to solving the puzzle that is me? We never get very complex on anything but -my fucking love life- and I'm wondering if this is just him, just me. Does anyone else have problems like this? Like it'd be more helpful talking to a wall...
And, right now, not that anyone cares.. but I'm completely in love with someone who doesn't want me. I would expect my psychologist, of all people, to understand that. I don't think I'll be seeing him anymore. He's a bit creepy. I'm half expecting him to admit to me that he's a Catholic priest one of these days.. .
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Blindside - Caught a Glimpse
"Let me introduce myself... let me introduce my bad self.."
... in unrequited love, currently, but get many offers from people I don't want.
... extremely angry, but able to be calm and help others.
... not a fan of rap, but adore Eminem, unconditionally.
... diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, but am not schizophrenic.
... skinny as hell, but bulemic and unable to stop myself.
... overworked, but a party animal.
... afraid of dying in my sleep and suffer from insomnia.
... a bit of a music snob, but very open-minded to new genres.
... glad to be here, and hope everyone will share something about themselves.
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Static-X - This Is Not [Mephisto Odyssey remix]
|Saturday, April 19th, 2003|
i'm not sick but i'm not well
they say I’m bipolar and borderline and I take medication that I HATE taking… no one understands, medication makes me feel a whole lot worse…. that’s all
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: thoughtless | korn
|Thursday, April 17th, 2003|
the Australian (yep I'm an Aussie) health system is in such a state that I'm on a waiting list for therapy......grrr I hate that. but at least its free I guess. anyhow I'm in a pissed off at the system mood so I decided a few weeks ago to help myself since no one else seems to give a shit. I'm throwing a lot of my pain into my work which at the moment seems mostly to be about self destruction.......I keep painting new and interesting forms relating to self injury and some of my life experiences.
snap shots of my mental state if you like. its been nice to keep this mess out of and away myself but the work is really confrontational. I've also been doing yoga again and I cant stress how much physical activity helps to balance the mood swings!
any how I was wondering if any one else was trying anything to alleviate their depression. and if so what kind of stuff your doing as an outlet. (my daughter just woke up)
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: ani difranco: dog coffee
|Thursday, April 10th, 2003|
i present to you...me.
greetings everyone. i happened to join quite recently and i hope to contribute to this community as much as all you other devoted members. =)
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: ain't need no music.
|Wednesday, April 9th, 2003|
I had a panic attack over the weekend. Anyone else have those? Stupid, really. I haven't had one in months. I was playing a video game, and it made me so nervous that my chest started to tighten up and I started feeling really bad. It ruined my whole day. It wasn't like I was angry or anything; I won the game, as far as that's concerned. But it worried me that I got so nervous while playing a stupid game. I felt nervous and uneasy the rest of the day. To top that off, my evil grandmother came over to make things worse and just get on my nerves. Although that wasn't as bad as it could have been.
This is a really stupid entry, and what's more, I feel bad about this group because no one's writing, including myself. I'm not even sure what to write about. I feel sort of like my problems are whiny and miniscule in comparison to others. I guess my problem has never been my life as much as it's just been a chemical imbalance. I guess when you're family is normal and happy, all it takes is a divorce to throw you off. Anyway, I have to go to school. Maybe I'll write again later, see if anyone's still here.
|Tuesday, April 1st, 2003|
a little about me
hi everyone. I think its probably time I explained some of my history and why I am the way I am. this is not easy for me and I can't do the whole lot in one sitting because there's just too much pain involved. so I'll start with how it began to go wrong for me.
my first sexual experience was being raped by a man at the age of 13. (I was walking home from a friends house) I freaked out. I ran home and showered and jumped into bed and stayed there for a few days telling myself it hadn't happened. I didn't tell anyone. I thought that would make it more real if I did and I preferred to try forgetting it. so I ended up getting sick and for about 6 months I pretty much lived in my room going crazy. I have borderline personality disorder now I've been like this for 12 years. if you knew me you'd think I was pretty together for a tortured artist. I keep up a good front so good only the people who live with me knew.
so the next bunch of events was the really bad stuff, I got involved with people who were bad for me (on purpose I suspect due to my mental condition) was raped tortured beaten and emotionally and mentally messed with. I don't go into details about that stuff because I like to keep the mood light (ha ha) and it its kind of upsetting. but I sort of got myself to together **a bit**. enough to go to university and make something of myself as an artist. I work about 10 hrs a day. my art looks like a shop of horrors these days because I'm trying to recover and painting is cathartic for me.
my reason for trying to get better is my 5 month old baby girl Saskia.. she needs her mum happy and mentally well. the hardest challenge I have faced is not letting all my craziness's my outbursts my sadness and self harming affect her. and I'm proud to say I have a happy healthy baby, she doesn't know that side of me.
any ways so that's me 25 yrs old artist and mother borderline and depressed but on med's & starting the healing process.
nice to meet you
Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: the sound of my microwave beeping
|Saturday, March 29th, 2003|
So, people who have joined (I know there's only a few), I have read about a lot of people cutting themselves lately on some of the groups I'm on, so I wanted to talk about that. So, my question is, do you or have or cut yourself or done any other type of self injury? And if so, why? That's kinda blunt, I guess, I know it's hard to explain that sort of thing (at least it was for me). I used to cut my arms with razors, and stab my fingers with a needle. At the time, I think it was a distraction, and I loved the site of blood. I was Goth at the time, and into the whole vampire thing as well, so the site of blood kinda made me happy. It was pretty, you know? Like a thick red jewel welling up on my arm. I don't really know whether it dulled my emotional pain. I guess it took my mind of things, just like weed and alcohol did. It was a temporary fix. It was also sort of a test of my pain tolerance. I liked testing myself to see how much pain I could stand. It made me feel strong, in control of something. The deeper I could go, the better I felt about myself and my "strength". Also, I thought I was building up the confidence to be able to kill myself. I felt pitiful for not having the courage to go thru with it, and I thought one day I might be able to. I read in a novel somewhere about slitting your wrists in a bathtub, and how if you leave the drain partially open and the hot water running, it helps. Apparently when you lose blood, you get cold and very nauseous, and the water helps, but leaving it running keeps it warm longer. I had a picture in my mind of how I would do it; I was gonna use a straight razor and just slash my wrist quick and hard, straight up to my elbow. I figured it would probably slide thru easier than a knife thru butter. I wondered whether it would hurt at all. I actually used to cut other people as well, my friend and my boyfriend. My friend was at my house one time, and I decided I wanted to drink his blood, so I snuck up behind him and slashed his arm with a razor. It was really deep; he should have gotten stitches. I actually drank a good bit of his blood, several mouthfuls. Then he had to run and get a lot of paper towels and press his arm hard to stop the bleeding. I sat on the couch shivering while he bandaged his arm. I didn't feel bad at all, I felt invigorated. As much as that freaked him out, it sort of turned him on too. He said it felt really good...
I did the same thing to my boyfriend, but with his consent. Cut open his shoulder really bad and drank his blood. He loved it, although he was sort of worried that I had slashed to hard.
I feel horrible about all this now. I don't know what was wrong with me! I do know, but I'm sort of ashamed of it. It was bad enough that I cut myself, but I did it to other people too. Anyway, that's my cutting experiences. And you thought I was all bright and sunshiney, huh? I wasn't always this way, but I am really glad I've changed.
|Friday, March 28th, 2003|
Hi people:) We got four people in this thing so far, myself included. I'm really glad people are joining. I haven't been on in a couple days because school has been kinda hectic, and I've been spending all my time on-line arguing with this Christian chic (for more on that, see my Dogma entry on my journal...). Anyway, hopefully I will have time after work this evening to post a real entry in this thing, since I have been a bit depressed lately, and I need to bitch just a bit. Anyway, welcome everyone, once again:) Hope we can all help each other out.