|
Sunday, July 20th, 2008
jackrabbit30
|
9:17a
update
First of all thank you all for the encouraging words. I had words from both sides....leave and stay and work things out.
First off my mother called last night telling me all Kelsey said the next night. I finally heard enough. I told her grass it not always greener on the other side. You don't run for the problem. I have ran all my life. Until recently I have learned to stand up for myself. I thinking running will answer all but it don't. Running only hurts worst. Even thinking of running hurt. I also told her Kelsey is 12 years old. She doesn't make up her mind where she wants to live. You know this never fails when she goes down there. Anyway she will never live down there until things work out up here. If and that is a big if I ever leave Marty I won't be going back home. Mom was surprised. she asked is it that bad there. I told her yes. Dad does things I don't agree with when it comes to the kids at home. She does things I don't agree with. Kelsey knows this. She just likes all the attention. She said well will you continue to keep her from us. NO I won't. I don't keep her from them now even though I want to. Mom has never supported my marriage. I thought I had learned by now not to tell her my problems. I was doing good until she called that night when marty said what he did and I was so upset. She said many things to Kelsey about this whole ordeal that she had no business saying so now on our way home this afternoon I have to explain all this to her and talk to her. anyway that will come in another entry tonight...lets get to what happened last night between marty and I.
Last night he got home from work. I was cooking a nice dinner. We sat down at the table. I told him no games tonight. Tonight is my night. So I started out by saying I think his life would be so much easier if I wasn't here. He asked when was I leaving. I told him I don't want to but we are so different. I am a family person he is not. I am a kid person he is not. I am a wife person he is not a husband person. He asked what I meant. Well he doesn't want to be around family mine or his. It makes no difference to him. I love to be around family and friends. Even though both sides of the family are crazy I still love them. He doesn't do well with the kids. I brought up things that he does. he didn't realize he did them. I said yes he does them mainly when he plays his games. All these kids want is for him to love them. spend time with them. They want us both. I can't do it alone. Morgan doesn't like to stay here because he said all dad does is play games. Kelsey wants love also. she is here more so she gets the bunt of things more. he asked what do they want. I explained he promised them to go camping. shot Morgan's gun with him. just anything to spend time with them. All he does is come home and play his game. I don't want to take away what he enjoys but he has to learn how to juggle things. That is what being a husband and father is about. those kids love him. I told him things are about to change. I am about to go to work. I won't be here as much anymore and if we can't work together then it won't work. We sat for a few minutes. He said he was sorry. But he didn't know how to show love like the kids want him to. His dad was never at home. He was in the army and always gone. He never had things like he does now so he feels like a kid again. He never seen how to be a husband because of the way his parents are. I told him I understood that part. He asked me to remind him when I see he isn't spending time with the kids or with me. He will learn to juggle both. And we will make a list of things around the house such as chores so when I am gone he can help out more. I can tell he was sincere. I told him he does good for a while then boom right back to only thinking of himself and saying hurtful things to me. He said this is when he needs reminded. Look at our marriage over the 6 years...we have come a long way. His parents are leaving us alone. He is willing to compromise with me when he used to not. Oh he was really bad when I first met him. Now he doesn't say anything when I go to my parents or to friends house. All he says is be careful and call me. He has stopped making excuses for me not to go. He stopped being so bossy and telling me how to clean my house. So in many ways he has changed. We both have changed. We have changed because we both have helped each other change. So together we will work on this problem as well. Yes as one of my friends put it...change takes time. I do have the patience to see us through. I just can't stand to hear my daughter always saying she wants to stay with my parents. I believe all of us as kids wants to stay somewhere else other than home. I remember I did. I felt good after our long long talk. I felt I hit a spot with him. I felt we will grow and change some more. We both need each other. We both love each other. with love everything is possible. As long as we BOTH believe it will work!!!!! Life is about to change for the both of us and our kids. I am about to go to work full time (away from home). So I pray everything works out the way it should!!
current mood:  accomplished
|
(comment on this)
fluffy36
|
8:50a
it's not like I worked hard last night, but I am just so tired. Gonna do some homework before I go to bed. Yesterday I laid out in the sun again, I'm trying to get my legs to where they are not so white so I can wear shorts. I got some big ole legs but it's too hot to wear pants all the time.
current mood:  tired
|
(comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
8:36a
Have you entered a time of uncertainty? Is there a situation that you?re not sure of the outcome? Do not be afraid! God has a plan for everything you face in life, and He desires to grow you during these times. Take time to find comfort in God?s Word right now. Seek His strength and trust His plan for your life.
|
(comment on this)
autographh
|
1:43a
i was really depressed for a while. well i mean, I got a car. and i know how to drive it. and my road test is in 2 days. andd idk im not exactly content but im happy for the most part now. Only because Ive been keeing myself busy. I work thursday-weds and dont see cory except at work so we dont go crazy with not being able to see eachother but we use that time to not go crazy over not seeing eachother at all but we dont take advantage of the hours we would hav after work... anyway. so then im busy for 5 days and for 2 days i see cory and its fine cause we're totally with eachother and not sick of each other cause we see eachother so much. and i have a car now and i feel like i can drive it. except my dad isnt a good support system. hes been wierd again lately. probably cause i sleep over corys alot. im not really depressed but i was because i felt consumed by my house bc id work once or twice a week for like 5 hours and the whole rest of the week be sooooooo bored with life cause i couldnt even drive anywhere. i was in my house doing nothing. for 5 days. redic. i would have freak out attacks where my dad found me twice hyperventalating about being alone for so long. but well w.e im going to bed
|
(comment on this)
autographh
|
1:41a
allsilentearth (1:22:35 AM): i just really really cant wait to see you tomaorw
allsilentearth (1:22:44 AM): im going to be dreaming of you
allsilentearth (1:22:56 AM): do you wanna hear the second part of my dream
allsilentearth (1:22:59 AM): i just remmeberd
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:23:04 AM): mhm
allsilentearth (1:23:18 AM): we had sex and you got pregnant
allsilentearth (1:23:21 AM): and
allsilentearth (1:23:27 AM): 9 months went by
allsilentearth (1:23:36 AM): and i never have been more in love with you
allsilentearth (1:24:02 AM): and as soon as the baby came i was the most happy happy person in the world
allsilentearth (1:24:12 AM): and everyone was happy and crying
allsilentearth (1:24:39 AM): everyone loved that we had a baby
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:24:41 AM): thats amazing
allsilentearth (1:24:58 AM): i want that dream
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:25:20 AM): you want me with it
allsilentearth (1:25:32 AM): of course i do
allsilentearth (1:25:40 AM): you are what made the dream
allsilentearth (1:25:52 AM): you are what makes my life
allsilentearth (1:25:58 AM): without you there is nothing
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:26:16 AM): baby ilove you
allsilentearth (1:26:29 AM): i love you more than you can ever know
allsilentearth (1:26:32 AM): ever
allsilentearth (1:26:43 AM): words or emotions cant even express it
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:27:04 AM): i love seeing you at work
allsilentearth (1:27:17 AM): i know and do i
allsilentearth (1:27:20 AM): so much
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:27:34 AM): your gona love your presents
allsilentearth (1:27:36 AM): ive never been happier at work
allsilentearth (1:27:51 AM): <3333333
allsilentearth (1:27:54 AM): i cant wait
allsilentearth (1:27:58 AM): your gona love yourd
allsilentearth (1:28:04 AM): yours
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:28:18 AM): did you get me it
allsilentearth (1:28:28 AM): im not saying anyting
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:28:38 AM): is it like in your houz
allsilentearth (1:28:45 AM): i will say that your gona get the best note of your lfe
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:29:11 AM): wtf
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:29:15 AM): you just told me
allsilentearth (1:29:28 AM): that doesnt count as a gift
allsilentearth (1:29:37 AM): thats in its own catagory
allsilentearth (1:29:50 AM): thats a pre gift
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:30:05 AM): welll your gona get the best gift of your entire life
allsilentearth (1:30:15 AM): omggggg
allsilentearth (1:30:18 AM): i cant wait
allsilentearth (1:30:23 AM): i love you so much
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:30:54 AM): <33babyy for you<33
allsilentearth (1:31:10 AM): your so amazing
allsilentearth (1:31:19 AM): lets make love all day and night tomaorw
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:31:39 AM): that sounds amazing
allsilentearth (1:31:54 AM): you go in at 10 tomaorw?
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:32:04 AM): yupp
allsilentearth (1:32:15 AM): you have 8 hours of sleep
allsilentearth (1:32:27 AM): and i have6
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:32:28 AM): i dont worry about that
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:32:51 AM): go to bedd
allsilentearth (1:32:59 AM): i need to
allsilentearth (1:33:09 AM): im going to be dreaming of you
allsilentearth (1:33:12 AM): good dreams
allsilentearth (1:33:15 AM): only good
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:33:17 AM): mhmm
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:33:23 AM): i hate bad dreams
allsilentearth (1:33:24 AM): love me please
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:33:37 AM): i love you so much love
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:33:45 AM): i really cant wait to see you
allsilentearth (1:33:57 AM): i cant wait times 4398590438584735874896748957569085476809743098760375609483
allsilentearth (1:34:01 AM): i love you
allsilentearth (1:34:04 AM): night
eyeli kecra y0nz (1:34:10 AM): mwah<3333
“allsilentearth” signed off at 1:34:14 AM.
|
(comment on this) Saturday, July 19th, 2008
opuszero
|
9:39p
Lazy day.
In an attempt to get back into the habit of writing, I've decided to start posting something everyday -- even if it only turns out to be a couple sentences. I have over a decade of continuous entries from various journals (both hard and electronic), and after re-reading many of the entries, I've found that some of the most meaningful ones were those that consisted of a handful of words.
Spent the majority of the day playing video games. Just now as I typed that, I shook my head a little because of how childish that sounds...even knowing that feeling that way is absurd -- I'm only 23.
Truth be told, this whole line of thinking is something I'm still fighting -- feeling caught somewhere between being an "independent adult" and wanting to play soccer at lunch recess.
Things have a tendency to work themselves out...just gotta keep pushing.
current mood:  lazy
current music: Guns N' Roses -- "Sweet Child O' Mine"
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
2:58p
dinner tonight
I bought some things to make homemade chicken fietta's. (sp). I also bought a cake. It is 3pm and I am still not in the mood to do this. But as you can see at least I am trying.
oh well
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
9:25a
was overreacting
ok last night my husband informs me I was overreacting. I blew everything out of porportion. All he wanted to know is why anyone would want to go to college for 3 years and come out with a degree making the same as a gas attendant. Now my question is isn't that the same as asking me because this is my degree. this is what i want. Does that sound like he is being supportive?? Heck no. I told him I got upset because that is the way I took it. He was degrading my degree. I have put up with him saying crap like that for a year. Ever since I came out of the nursing program. I am not put here to please him. I am put here to please me first then my daughter.
today is our anniversary. I wanted to make a nice dinner and spend some time together. But that was shot to heck and back. I just can't get in the mood to do anything. I came home from work this morning and went to bed. Oh I slept plenty last night. But I just wanted to lay back down. I have to clean my house today but other than that I just don't want to do anything. Should I even try to make this marriage work???
|
(5 comments | comment on this) Friday, July 18th, 2008
opuszero
|
10:35p
The return.
I'm back. Again. It's been so incredibly long since I've written anything (in here, or otherwise), and I miss having a place to record my stupidity. I'm only half joking... :-)
I did, in fact, manage to survive my first contracted year of teaching with a bit of sanity left. Technically, I'm still employed at that same school, although I haven't abandoned my plans of bailing if I'm offered a position at a better school. Applications are in and now I'm crossing my fingers for interview calls.
Aside from that, there isn't much new in my life (as depressing as that may be considering the amount of time that's passed since my last post). In terms of my social life, I've been on dates with a couple people since Santa Cruz hippie woman (that feels like ages ago), but nothing much has come from it.
Things are still fine with "A" (my ex-girlfriend). After a year of hanging on to so much resentment, I'm so very close to being able to let it all go completely -- every once in a while, something will still fire up some of those bitter feelings. We were talking online a few days ago and she was upset that we weren't as close as we used to be. I basically told her something along the lines of "What did you expect?" and that I'm quite happy with just being colleagues/acquaintances right now.
Ok, that's about all the writing I can do for now. I'm going to try to jumpstart my writing habit again...I need something like this in my life.
current mood: okay
current music: Jimi Hendrix -- "All Along the Watchtower"
|
(comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
12:46p
upset
All I want to do is scream, cry, be mad, but all i am doing is nothing. just feeling numb and thoughts running through my head.
my daughter told my mother all her feelings about Marty. Now what should I do about them all?? If I listen to my heart I would leave. If I listen to my mind I would stay. It hurts so bad. Knowing i have to start all over. Knowing everyone around me is right. Knowing I will never have my dream of being a mother and wife. It will just be me and her. I have three weeks left. What are my plans after three weeks?? I can tell you one thing my plans don't involved marty plans. He needs to keep his job. I would have to leave him and him not have a job to fall back on. Our relationship is not guarenteed so don't rely on my making the money. He needs to fend for himself. Just as I am learning to do.
I know once I leave everyone will talk. But I have no ties so this shouldn't even bother me. I picture myself all the time as life without Marty. How life would be. How happy I really could be. NO worries. he can then do whatever he wants and never worry about spending money except on himself. He can sit and play games all day, work on cars all day. He can have his family back like it was. He can have his mother controling his life and paying his bills.
there are so many things different between us I honestly don't know how it has lasted this long.
I will go and maybe take a nap. i need to clean but not in the mood. I don't want to think any more. I don't want to feel anymore. All I do know that I want to do is for three weeks to get here and I find a job. Until then i guess I will take a nap. I didn't sleep to well at work last night
|
(comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
6:56a
husband called
Ok MG just called this morning. He asked what was wrong. I told him it still hurts what he said last night. He said he didn't mean it to degrade me. He was sorry. I told him I took it that way because that is exactly what he meant. He degraded my degree that I have worked hard for and that I am enjoying doing. He hurt me by not being supportive. It is like all he wants is life to be his way. I am tired of it. He said he didn't mean it to come across being unsupportive. What exactly did he mean by saying what he did? I really would like to know. How did he want to me take it?
"I will be rude awaken when I finish. The degree I have will be no different han working at a gas station."
Now I wonder how anyone would take that??
I need to think about something else or I will be so angry all day.
current mood:  indescribable
|
(comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
6:46a
Mom asked what time I will be there Sunday. she would like for me to be there in time to see my nieces, April's kids, to be baptised. I would really love to go. BUT I asked her who came to see Kelsey?? No one. How many times has April came all the way up here to see Kelsey or come to her birthday partys? None. How many times does April call?? Last year she called maybe 5 times all year. those times were only because she wanted money to help do something for someone. Never calls just to be calling. But then I got to thinking. I am not like her. I care. I call. I visit. But do I have strength enough to say or not even go to see my neices on this special day?? should I play this game of I don't want to go because she has never been here for my daughter?? My mother is going, why doesn't she come to things for Kelsey? I begged and begged for her to make sure she came to see her graduate. Kelsey always thought she would never show up. I honestly don't think she would have if I didn't end up telling her that Kelsey said she would never show up.
Honestly I am just so tired of people doing me the way they do. My husband talking to me the way he does and then calls late last night and act like nothing was said. Trying to be nice and all. Then Elizabeth saying the crap she did. I am tired of my in laws. I am tired of my mom. Just tired of everyone around me today.
|
(comment on this) Thursday, July 17th, 2008
jackrabbit30
|
5:16p
jobs
My husband called and asked what kind of job will I be looking for next week. He said I am in for a rude awakening. I can make the same amount of money working at a gas station that I will be making with the degree I will have. this makes me so mad. so angry. I want this degree. I want him to support me. I think he has in his mind that he will quit when I start to work. I don't think that will work. I think he has things figured out wrong. Not me. Maybe I need to sit him down and talk to him and make him realize he can do what makes him happy. No I might not be making 18 an hour but the money I will be making I will be happy doing it. I will be doing something that makes me happy. doesn' that count?? maybe he is thinking our life should be different or work out the way he wants it to and it doesn't look like it is.
all I do know is I am doing what I like doing. I am excited and know when I find the right job I will be happy doing it. I would have never been happy working as a nurse. And if making me happy brings a divorce I can't help it.
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
5:15p
class
I just can't get the hang of records management. Maybe because it is boring to me. I just hope I finish with at least a C. I need to finish with a C becuase I want to finish this semester. i don't want to go to class tonight either. I have been at this school long enough today
|
(comment on this)
jackrabbit30
|
5:03p
talking to another
While speaking with another person today about addiction it gave me an insight to another person's perseptive.
He is aware just as I am that he has an addiction gene of acohol runing through his veins. He knows he can't stop at one drink. It is on his fathers side of the family. I asked him then why did he ever pick up that one drink. he went into detail saying he had a job. then he wanted to fit in. there was nothing to do after work but hang out with the guys from work. His work kept him on the road and away from home many nights. so he would hang with the guys at the bars. he could have spent the same amount on a steak at outback and sweet tea but instead wanted to drink. I asked him well then why didn't he just changed his enviroment and stay away from those guys. Maybe did something else such as change jobs. Well he was looking at the money part of it. the job was great and making loads of money. well sometimes we have to give up things we don't want to in order to get passed the addiction or be able to control it. He finally quit drinking when he married. he said it is very easy to get trapped in the enviroment that will trigger the addiction. I understand that. Addiction is hard to break and even harder to keep broken. it has been 15 years since he drank his last drop.
Was speaking with our new mayor last night. she brought up she has stopped smoking 26 years ago. I asked her how and how has she kept from backliding. She went into details of the 7 day program she went through back then. You have to first acept that you are an addict. Weither is be smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, anything that you are addicted to. People think just because it isn't drugs then you arent an addict. But addiction can come in so many forms. every day has been hard for her. Even sitting by someone smoking is hard. She loved the smell of a cig burning. But she put her mind somewhere else. she thinks of something else. she does something to stay busy. So i asked so it is a mind game. Something you have to battle with inside of your mind every single day. she said yes!! Very much a mind game. I already knew this. Everything in life is a mind game. You can actually lose weight by your mind. it al boils down to making up your mind who you are and what you want out of life and then sticking to it. when you make up your mind you have to accept things in your life to change. People find change very hard!!! It scares them to death.
I don't read about all this in books. I go by what I feel inside and by the responses other people have given to me.
current mood:  annoyed
|
(comment on this)
|