there is still one way to get mine back... ... (23 Jul 2003|10:41am)
mood ...
annoyed
I think tomorrow I am going to lock myself in my room until it's game night... spend an entire day sequestered away with my computer and my boxes. Maybe that way I won't have the overwhelming urge to stab out my own eyes to spite the people who love me the most.
lost... ... (23 Jul 2003|01:31am)
mood ...
coldmusic ... switchblade symphony - gutter glitter
I need some catharsis... some sanity... some break from these emotions and this maelstrom inside my head... I need to get lost again. it seems every time I have a break I find myself here in these black clouds... no reason to return to safer skies... I cannot stop listening to that song... where can this madness go next?
summoning of willpower ... (22 Jul 2003|09:39pm)
mood ...
determined
I will walk away from this computer and go work on my room... I will... I will... I will... I will...
Oh well. ... (21 Jul 2003|07:11pm)
argh... I feel stiffled without my computer... I'm tempted to move her down here in the meantime. Maybe Tad will come fix the toilets and my outlets today... or tomorrow... I miss art... *makes strangling sound* I guess I'll have to listen to an actual cd while I unpack... how awful.
all in a day ... (18 Jul 2003|12:50am)
mood ...
exhausted
There has been some talk of moving the LAN tonight... in all probability it will be tomorrow or Saturday... but either way, if you don't hear from me for a day or three, that's why. The cable will be switched over at some point... not sure when really. Moving Staurday or Tuesday... probably some Friday as well... it's all a jumble. I'm not terribly coherant... just terribly exhausted...
woke to find that i'm still bleeding ... these wounds will never heal ... a thousand lacerations ... from the glass in my soul
these days I'm keenly aware of the white rose in my heart... I smell it wafting from that room that none will ever enter... it's an odd sort of comfort with the poppies here... their crimson danger dark and vivid... swirling into entropy against the stars... a thousand whispers and forsight... as day follows night and night follows day... each separate in memory... dawn in a smile.. dusk in my mind.
if you want something done... ... (16 Jul 2003|11:12pm)
mood ...
lonely
Do it yourself and keep to yourself. These are my mottos for the week. I think it would be a novel experience to have an entire twenty-four hours where I wasn't surrounded by bitchy complaining people. I don't understand... I must have left that sign pinned to my head that says, "my life is stress free, please bitch at me incessantly about things I cannot affect." Don't get me wrong - I had an annoying day at work coupled with severe annoyance at home. But I'm not going to talk about it... rant about it... say one damn word other than these here (which pretty much defeats that purpose... but maybe just one single human will get the point and leave me the hell alone). I would say work is welcome because it gives me a break from here - but it's filled with bitching too. Ironically the best moments of my life are leaning up against a counter staring at the sunset across I-40.
I want to run away... far away. I want to pack up a change of clothes and leave everyone and everything... head to the desert and dissapear. I want to never speak to another human being again. I want to take these thousand thoughts I can't be bothered to share with anyone (because they weren't listening anyways) and burry them in the sand. I want to fall crashing into the cracked dirt, inhaling the stalest colours of life and dream of another world. It's an interesting feeling being surrounded by such conversation and noise and to be completely silent yourself. It's the most alienating thing in the world.
dark angel ... (16 Jul 2003|01:19pm)
mood ...
lonely
I hate the way you sink into my mind when sleeping... my unresisting arms take you in and hold you close... to wake in the morning with nightmares of you gone... and a desperation to reclaim you... I love remembering us... I hate knowing that's gone forever... I hate your unfound grave...
maybe I'll actually feel like painting later. ... (14 Jul 2003|05:34pm)
mood ...
weird
Argh. My walls are finished... My woodwork is half way done. I need to go upstairs and pack. I really would rather be sitting here vegging out... enjoying a day off. I would rather be expressing this strange emotion running through me lately.
sometimes I feel as if I'm living in two worlds... two lives... it makes me vaguely weird... when I'm not sure which me I should be... I wake up and there aren't any stone walls and ramparts surrounding me...
the silver circle girls ... (08 Jul 2003|10:34pm)
mood ...
nostalgicmusic ... Concrete Blonde - Tomorrow Wendy
Of all the things we ever were
angels in baggy jeans
wallet chained rebels
with glass in our eyes
the kind of glitter that makes you bleed
we used to dream the same dreams
from caged hearts
where we guarded our hope
more dangerous than heroin
some nights I look up at our stars
from under this stranger sky
and listen to the wind...
still singing our song
I am too tired to make a real update ... (02 Jul 2003|03:52am)
mood ...
exhausted
so go read today's entry on my lj
sing to the sun king ... (01 Jul 2003|12:55am)
mood ...
content
I'm stupidly inspired to make happy things...
I cannot help but be amazed at all the good that has come my way since March. As much as the previous parts of my life were nightmares, this part is a wonderful dream.
ponderances ... (29 Jun 2003|01:37pm)
mood ...
indescribablemusic ... Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale
I'm filled with the strangest emotions these days... thoughts I hardly understand. Some of them are vague and fleeting, others a bit more substantial - in the way a fog is more substantial than the dew. The frustrating thing is how unpoetic my thoughts are lately. I sit down to write what I'm thinking and I think it sounds terrible and boring. I'm not sure if reading two review communities daily has made me more critical of my own style, or if I've just hit a dry spot in narration. And then again, with my penchant for absorbing the writing style of the book I'm currently reading, it could be the Mary Higgins Clark.
More and more I find myself calm and silent, determined in a way I haven't been in years. I think perhaps I found the worry switch in my head; the past week has been rather worry free. With the large amounts of miracles being thrown around in my life - it's not really a surprise. A small part of my brain tells me this can't last... and the rest of me echoes a quote he used to remind me of rather often. "It can't rain all the time."
... ... (22 Jun 2003|03:56pm)
mood ...
depressed
I have an urge to make a soundtrack... some art... something... for this emotion inside of me... this strangeness. It drives me nuts when I feel like this... all of my entries come out with ... inbtween them, for there is no end or beginning to my thoughts - no concrete patterns anywhere.
public service announcement ... (14 Jun 2003|01:44am)
mood ...
exhaustedmusic ... Christian Death - Death Wish
Tired... thinking of going to bed soon...
I redid both of my communities... at least as far as rules are concerned. More cosmetic changes will have to wait until tomorrow or Sunday. As such, I'd like to invite all of you (psst... yes... you) open-minded people to join 
infidel
( not quite assignment material... but on that subject(s) )
I just thought this was too cool for words ... (10 Jun 2003|03:17am)
mood ...
exhausted
| My Monster Name is Shadow There are shadows and then there are Shadows. If you’re fortunate it’ll be the former that stretches out from your feet at the minute. The unfriendly type of shadow is an incorporeal undead horror that hates life and light alike. While not plotting to destroy the world Shadows pass the time by pretending to be a harmless patch of darkness in the corner of your bedroom. The Levenshtein distance between paradox and Shadow is 3. |
another assignment ... (05 Jun 2003|01:05pm)
I started typing this forty-seven minutes late... but then blurty was down... and argh. So I'm late. But here it is.
Did angels wear blue jeans and tank tops? That was the first thing I thought when I awoke to see her standing at the foot of my bed. She was medium height with long red hair in loose waves and shining eyes that seemed to take all the glow from my night light and reflect it back out. I'm not sure why it was I thought that, except perhaps those eyes. I tried to picture her with wings even though I knew angels didn't have any. Somehow, it worked, but only if they had been black. She was still staring at me. I noticed how beautiful she was; innocent and dangerous both at once. It dawned on me then to be frightened.
( Do angels wear blue jeans? )
Writing Assigment ... (21 May 2003|04:21pm)
mood ...
pleased
( posted here because of length )
I'm going to freak out and then you're going to freak out and we're all going to freak out ... (16 May 2003|12:46pm)
mood ...
determined
I swear to god I will have fun this weekend if it's the last thing I do. I'm going to get drunk off my ass and enjoy the hell out of myself. I'm going to have a neurosis free, emotionally unencumbered vacation from my life.
I'm eeeeeeevil ... (13 May 2003|01:28am)
mood ...
weirdmusic ... The Matrix - Clubbed to Death
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Very High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | High |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | High |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Moderate |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | High |
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
I sized it down and corrected the spelling ... (08 May 2003|01:10am)
mood ...
tired
( but it was too appropriate to skip )