truth is ... (28 Sep 2003|05:23am)
mood ...
lovedmusic ... VNV Nation - Advance and Follow
I love you. I'm an asshole. You are my cynosure. One night can make up for a thousand doubts. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. Thankyou.
... (21 Sep 2003|01:36am)
mood ...
drunk
I'll choose differently this time
my desperation in blood
the fae one cannot make it...
she could if she was only the wife of a king...
but you won't chase her any more...
and she'd rather die.
ramblings that never reach the right eyes ... (13 Sep 2003|10:27pm)
mood ...
blah
something in my head akin to a story... but I cannot find the voice... perhaps first person... just not finding the right place to get it out. I heard it in the car... the siren song... but now the mermaid's voice is silent. perhaps I'll hear it again enough to get her tale out. it's far too beautiful to be lost.
I always find myself in her books... either in a girl fighting for her brothers... or in another falling in love with a man with the mark of a raven... or in a small sorcerer's daughter with a limp who feels lost and alone. and I wonder if our strangeness will ever even out into smiles... or if our peace will only waste itself away in cryptic thoughts we cannot share... built up resentments and temper tantrums... bitter moods and distant feelings... each assuming that the other has taken care of the middle... that night will look after dusk... or day will look after dusk... no-one noticing twilight's propensity to wander off alone... for night and day live in their own worlds, possessed of sun and moon; planetary bodies whose ebbs and tides are more closely linked these days than that of the merger between. for twilight never had a planetary body. more and more being in the middle is less about belonging in two places and not belonging anywhere. when strife and sorrow find us again will we have squandered all our rest? will I waste away my own gifts on neurosis... shrinking and fading away, forgetting to be noticed... until they come to find me an echoed memory only... this flesh long gone elsewhere... will I ever find a reason within myself to stay... lacking that anchor of selfless compassion that acts as a preventative or others. i almost feel cruel saying that I do not have one... but in truth it is not because I do not love you enough to stall... but because you do not love me enough to stall me. your path would not pause for me... not break for me... not stay for me... nor mine for yours. and these days it almost makes sense in irony... that a path not taken to prevent one small boy from harm might in truth be best taken to cause him to live life. sometimes the darkness is a better gift than life. for honestly... if one bright little raven had not awakened us... where would we be? could not then this girl in gesture, return the same gift to another magistrate?
perhaps the equinox will make things better... restore some semblance of sanity to me... make me less on knife edge...
public service announcement ... (05 Sep 2003|01:51am)
mood ...
blah
I know you have the urge to try to fix me... to save me... to help me - but you can't. I don't write these thoughts here for your consolation... for your hugs or sympathy. I appreciate the love behind them... and it means a lot to me... but please don't think you can fix anything with your words... not these wounds... not these scars. just tell me that you love me if you feel compelled to speak... that is the most meaningful thing you can say. the rest of it just falls like rain into a volcano... irrelevant to the thoughts at hand. that is all.
only bad things come from this music... ... (02 Sep 2003|11:32pm)
mood ...
gloomymusic ... Filter - Jurassitol
you're telling yourself you're rationalized... that that picture was so hauntingly familliar you had to check to see if it was there... that too much ibuprofen only makes you insane... that feeling frustrated over your own handicaps is normal... that these tears are about that... not some grey eyes superimposed over the large rusted sign with a broken chain hanging over your soul saying, "out of order." If I could take back the moments of a fool in brown tones of warmth and half-sleep I would tell her, "you cannot give that... it's never been yours... silly girl... it never will be again." And maybe in some time I won't feel like a broken barbie doll... ashamed of all my pieces... scared all of my friends will leave me once I cease to be who they've come to see... if this asshole prankster breaks a facade now and again... and cries over raindrops and white roses... starts screaming the next time another caw caw caw takes a hole out of her soul for the feathers fallen... they're all going to leave me... if I pierce myself and wear skirts... they won't notice if I slip away from counter-strike to mar my skin... if every thursday brings new scars... I can keep hiding them behind attitude and a smile.
Adventures in the ER Part II ... (02 Sep 2003|01:51pm)
mood ... PAIN
or why falling down the stairs is a bad plan
So I was cleaning my room on the wonderful extended weekend... carrying boxes down the stairs to be put in the downstairs closet when I missed a few steps. It was rather surreal... as my foot encountered air I thought to myself, "you're about to fall." Between then and the thud I thought it would just be a little slip as I attempted to catch myself. But then I landed on my left ankle with a thud and as I screamed louder than I ever have in my entire life... not some girly horror movie scream... but a "damn you can tell this girl is Irish and Mongolian" scream... I thought to myself "damn... I didn't know I could scream this loud..." I head everyone come running through my screams... it was rather like being outside myself... this unbearable pain and loud screaming and hearing them all come running and thinking that I hoped they didn't fall in their haste to reach me. We thought I had broken it... it hurt so bad I was alternately screaming and crying and proclaimin how sick I was feeling... poor Rob and Coyote had to carry me to the truck.... Rhia rushed me to the ER... and I was in hysterics there... went into shock during triage... woodenly answering her questions and then throwing up. I never did get pain killer... they apparently hate to give it to you or something... I got exrayed and waited for fucking ever... shaking and crying and dissasociating only to discover I have in all likelyhood torn a muscle... not a ligament... but a fucking muscle or two. Gah. So although I have a prescription for Vikoden and orders to follow up with an orthopedic... I have no insurance. Anyone want to start a help Renee get her foot taken care of fund? I do have crutches and bed rest for two days... so no school or work. X_X
excuses excuses ... (29 Aug 2003|03:20am)
mood ...
numbmusic ... game night voices
I'm so tired I feel drunk... like I cannot stand or move very well on my own. If you were supposed to hear from me in the last month or so ... email, etc. ... I'm sorry if I've been MIA. Not only has my email been slammed with the stupid virus going around (stupid yahoo's storage limit is destroyed by 20+ attatchments a day)... but between school, a new crappy job, and insundry emotional stresses... I just havem't been up to it. Please forgive me. It doesn't mean I hate you... just that replying to you requires coherant thought. And if I volunteered to make you an icon... I promise I will get around to it. I swear.
I'm filled with psycho babble without words... endless sensations without the will or security to voice them. a thousand thoughts and skeletons... truths that burn in the back of my throat... once I thought he was my one green eye one blue... but now I think I was just crazy... needing hope. the spell is only wasted because I don't have any more to give... I don't have any more to take... I feel too broken to want that chance any more... still feeling this deep emotion without any reason or drive.. wanting to let it go... move along... forget about it and just let it be. once I lived another world... where I was a surrogate mother... an older sister... to those who shared my blood... and now I think of living death... the ghosts of growing boys I never know haunting me now and again... family I cannot bear to love for all blood is pain... and that too is why I have no more... want no more... only spirit can be trusted. the ghost of a love hollywood adores... the kind everyone cries over... forbidden and dark... the memories still locked away in chests of pain and horror... like some bad stephen king novel... a broken childhood no-one sees. I'm naught but a corpse cut to pieces... some vampire ... some undead... sewn back and revived... with a giant mask... and sometimes I'm scared someone will see the signs... "out of order, peel here, contents under pressure" and others I want everyone to know... as if by screaming at the top of my lungs about all of my secrets, some weight will be lifted from my shoulders. if you think you know me... and your name is not Rhia or Kharma... I'm sorry dear... I love you I'm sure... but you never knew me... just the mask. the girl I've been and the girl I was are colliding... merging and mixing... pulling and twisting... back and forth... leaving me floating just beneath consciousness. somewhere something has taken over... some preservation instinct... some deeper self... leaving me alternating between lucid hyper prankster asshole and twisted curving artistic dreamer. real Nee... wisdom, kindness, logic, magic, will... lost. so many people think a caterpillar cracks it's skin within the cocoon... that one creature grows slowly into another behind those walls... and it's not true. the two are entirely different creatures. the caterpillar disolves into some primordial soup from which the butterfly ferments... sharing only the basic chromosomes. And so there you have it... I'll be back soon I think... maybe... whenever I'm me again or know who me is... leave me a message...
when did I get so bad at this? ... (26 Aug 2003|07:43am)
mood ...
scared
when did I get so bad at expressing my true emotions... of saying, "I'm afraid." I am... scared to think of what will happen if the phone call never comes. scared of what will happen after this year... terrified that I won't make it... that I can't make it... that if soon no better chance comes... I'm not going to be able to do this any longer... to hold this together. scared that now I have my true path, I won't be able to stay on it because a person must eat and pay bills... and no-one wants to hire a student without stripping their soul. scared of losing those I love... and I see myself losing them every day. I fear losing her... I fear she might slip away. I fear losing him... even though I'm never sure what I would lose. I fear losing me... feeling like I can't be touched... some foreign object fallen to earth... alien in nature. I feel like Madeline... I don't like that. I fear I'll never like that... that I'll never be ok... that angels will always unnerve me... and one day everyone who never knew will see the the livid scars crisscrossing my heart where I had it removed... that the out of order sign will suddenly turn on... that one morning I won't be able to stop the tears before school... and I will have to go with wet cheeks and soggy eyes... black streaks marring my face. (what's wrong with me? why can't I forget enough to live?) I can't just sit you down and cry... tell you how scared I am... it comes out in my voice when I think I'm being fine... perfectly normal even... and someone gets ill for me being bitchy... and I wonder how I was bitchy... it must be the fear in my voice.
... (22 Aug 2003|04:53am)
mood ... empty
I feel tired... washed out and distant. I know I seem quiet... I'm lost inside my head. I'm sorry.
... (17 Aug 2003|04:25am)
mood ...
depressedmusic ... Deep Forest - India
I'm going to go to sleep and be in a world where I'm not always the broken venus adored by everyone but those I desire... fall back into blackened wings and guitar strings... where safety was never an issue...
that's right ... (15 Aug 2003|04:28am)
mood ... broken
music ... Apoptygma Berzerk - Electricity
I almost forgot. almost.
this is not the world where we get to bear our thoughts about ... things we shouldn't say. instead we sit in our rooms comiserating over linux (not that this pretend geek would know anything about that) and the joy of unfeeling. that's right. because renee still has some fucking pride.
bizarre... really ... (14 Aug 2003|02:30am)
mood ...
tired
my journal caught me by surprise... I just loaded up the page... and wham... it took me a moment to realize that girl in those pictures was indeed me... that I really do look like that. how odd. I need sleep.
rambling pre-sleep ... (13 Aug 2003|02:21am)
mood ...
blahmusic ... Hans Zimmer - Injection
you make it painfully obvious to the girl who hates to be seen... how lonely invisible is... how invisible obvious is... how bright colours are the best camoflauge... how scary it is to be seen in the first place... how hated you are for seeing... for not seeing... for seeing and ignoring and never appreciating that wich you were never wanted to see... but you did anyways. And that's what that feeling was after all... my veil being ripped away.
finally ... (12 Aug 2003|01:36am)
mood ...
depressedmusic ... Tatu - 30 Minut
girlwithagun
look ma, I made my page all pretty and stuff. ^_^
fuck this fucking shit ... (11 Aug 2003|10:13pm)
mood ...
angrymusic ... Barenaked Ladies - When You Dream
Remember back when blurty was going to work right? When we migrated here from LJ because it was a slow ass piece of shit that never loaded? Those were the days. The sad thing is - I love this site. Aside from the fact that few of my LJ friends are here... and it doesn't FUCKING WORK. So I'm going to take a break from working on my style and put on some punk and clean my fucking room. Gah.
there are no words ... (28 Jul 2003|11:15pm)
mood ... not okay
A coworker died at work today... he had a heart attack in receiving... I was one of the first to know he was dead. I wish I had a thousand thoughts that didn't sound trite... but all I can think of is how sweet he was... how he gave me his lunch when someone had stolen mine...
rainbows and happiness ... (26 Jul 2003|07:33pm)
mood ...
content
there is a rainbow over my house... big huge and perfect.... I saw it as we were driving back with a load from the other house... kharma got her birth certificate... rhia can go to school... and somehow I'm not stressing about work... I have that feeling today that everything will be alright... and there's a rainbow to prove it.
I don't remember ever being a god girl... when I was a little mormon girl... I always saw heavenly mother when I prayed... and the goddess has been the most amazing force in my life to date... but lately... I feel this amazing love for the sun... this warmth and masculine energy. I've reconciled with my mental state enough to connect to a male deity... and some days it's the most amazing feeling in the worl... I want to sit and cry and bask in the sun... all of happiness. I hear Loreena McKennitt... those words of her send chills up my spine... our lord, our god... it's a strange happy feeling to love a male deity again.
of then and now ... (26 Jul 2003|02:27am)
mood ...
contemplative
she's screaming
I'm dreaming...
of lives we keep repeating...
this time she has a love outside of duty...
this time she has the chance to be someone other than herself...
this time I get to know I'm beautiful...
this time we're all still without mothers...
drowning again ... (24 Jul 2003|10:13pm)
mood ...
confusedmusic ... Tori Amos - New Age
trapped in your eyes like water
the way I said I'd never be back
when the sky mirrors the sand
and I'll never know which way is up
only swirling into madness mesmermized
waiting for the pain to stop
this page cannot be displayed ... (23 Jul 2003|10:23pm)
mood ...
blank
I want to lock myself in your eyes... hide away in a smaller world... where I'm not chiding myself for dazing away in freezing rooms... trying to forget how unhappy I am... how miserable I've been... how awake I feel. I've got to remind myself of something... forget myself of others. I wish I could be like you... and hide for a day for the world was safe... keep my silence to myself... and not force me out of this shell. I wish I could cry until the walls broke... I wish I could lose it all in peace. I wish I could let go and stop holding it all together.