Friday, August 5th, 2005
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12:22 am
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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3:58 pm
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I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But it must have been good.
Really good.
I knew all this had to be building up to something.
Tonight I'm getting drunk with Gavin.
current mood:  happy
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, July 16th, 2005
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3:26 pm
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Yeah, I'm sick of it.
I knew it wasn't real and
it's just another lie.
Misconception.
Wishful thinking.
Don't get me wrong.
It's good. Very good.
It's amazing, in fact.
But it's not... it.
And I'm sick of you.
Don't tell me to grow up.
Don't act like you're better.
You don't know me the way
you think you do.
And the things you do and say
prove this to me over and over.
...so I'm gone.
current mood:  productive
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(comment on this)
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Monday, July 4th, 2005
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4:55 pm
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Love. Funny how it works.
Or doesn't.
Tongue piercings are hot again.
Cuz mine is back.
Mm, gona.
current mood:  relaxed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, June 24th, 2005
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5:28 pm
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Happy doesn't describe.
How can something go so well
when everything else is going so fucking wrong?
Relationships, who needs them?
But if I had to pick. Ha.
current mood:  mellow
current music: some sexy shirtless drum playing
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, June 19th, 2005
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4:19 pm
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I'm giving it all up.
Yeah, I let go.
So now it's time to move....
Who will notice when I'm gone?
No one notices now....
current mood:  calm
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(comment on this)
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Friday, June 10th, 2005
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1:00 pm
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I'm sorry. I just don't know how to tell you....
They say time heals all wounds.
Except, some wounds are fatal....
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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4:16 am
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You never think it'll happen that fast.
And then it does.
And then everything's a blur and all it is, is them.
Right?
It's the music.
current mood:  complacent
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
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4:43 pm
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Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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2:23 am
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Shit.
I've been revolutionized.
Everything's so much better now.
Spiritual cleansing at its best....
current mood: awake
current music: nothing
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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4:44 am
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It's getting old.
Really old.
Really quickly.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to move on.
I'm just not ready to break someone's heart....
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, February 26th, 2005
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4:26 am
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I called a lot.
At first I was angry.
Then I realized that I don't care.
He can ignore me all he wants.
Maybe this is what I need?
current mood: complacent
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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3:17 am
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*sigh* I just don't know how to break it to him.
I mean we're still having sex
and I make it clear we're not together
and he tells me he loves me
and I say it back
but it's not the same.
He can tell I don't mean it like I used to.
The sex is the same.
It's better actually,
it's fucking great,
but I'm not into it emotionally at all.
Yet...
I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
So I guess I'm over it.
I guess I'm over him.
For now.
And I guess I have to figure out a way to just make it plain to him.
That he's the growing old guy;
he's not the right now guy.
He'll be crushed.
And I need a rebound.
current mood:  stressed
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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2:57 am - a rant
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I need a new job.
I hate the way people look down on me.
Like you fucking know me.
Do you even know why I dropped out of school?
Do you even know that I have plans to go back?
Do you even know what I want to do with my life?
You don't even know what you want to do with yours...
People say they don't judge.
But they do.
I do.
I try not to.
And I think I'm the only person left
that still tries....
Everyone "knows" I'm wrong.
Everyone knows I'm making a bad decision
everyone knows what's best for me
because they fucking know me.
because they know what goes on in my head.
because they log away
every fucking thought I've ever had.
because they think the exact way I do.
But if you knew me...
you'd know I'm doing shit for me now
you'd know I don't give a fuck
what you say anymore
you'd know I screwed myself over
one too many times
by listening to people like you.
I hate the way people promise things
and never come through.
If you're not gonna follow through
just don't fucking say it.
I hate being lame.
I hate being discriminated against.
I don't care what you think.
My piercings do not affect my work ethic.
My piercings do not affect my work quality.
My piercings do not affect my professionalism.
The only thing my piercings affect is my self confidence
my sense of completion
my sense of stability
my sense of control
my sense of emotional outlet
my sense of doing something for myself
my sense of being my own person
my sense of discrimination
because that's what it is,
when you won't hire me
just because I have
jewelry in my face
because I've chosen to balance myself
because I've chosen to modify myself
because I think I look better this way
and I don't care what you think
I didn't bleach my skin for you
I didn't get a tan for you
I didn't dye my hair for you
I didn't get my nails done for you
I didn't wear these pants for you
I didn't wear this blazer for you
I don't live for you...
I live for me...
I don't live for the money...
I live for the experience...
I need a job to pay the bills
I don't need a job to tell me
what I can and can't do
to my own fucking body
it's discrimination
this is the way I look
it is a part of me
I am modified
and you're afraid of what's different
of what you don't understand
stop being so fucking stupid
when did your balding head
affect the way you type
your spare tire
affect the way you speak on the phone
the way you say 'kids these days'
affect the way you do business
what I wouldn't give for someone to understand
apparently there's a modified community
I'm not a part of it
there's no sense of community here
I'm just waiting to find someone like myself
I didn't want to hurt you.
I didn't mean for things to end that way
you didn't have to be such an asshole
you didn't have to curse at me
you didn't have to hang up on me
you didn't have to act like just because I fucked up once,
nothing that happens
is ever your fault
you're stuck in high school
I hate when you try to spike your hair
I hate your Stewie everything
I hate your handwriting
I hate your text message slang
I hate the way you claim to like a certain music
yet know nothing about it
I hate your stupid Chuck Taylors
and the way you have to match
that's the only thing that's changed
you give a fuck about your appearance now
and it's for the wrong reasons
you don't look good for yourself
you look good for other people
other people that don't matter
other people on cocaine
other people fucking your best friends
other people that see you at your worst
drunk
on pills
fucked up
can't walk
I'm your fucking babysitter
and you don't remember in the morning
you don't remember so you can't feel ashamed
I'm ashamed for you
not anymore.
other people see the same person
you were in high school
well I've changed
I don't want to see that you anymore.
I'm not the girl from four years ago
that loved the boy from four years ago
I'm not fifteen and a virgin
I'm not ugly and self-doubting
I'm not looking for someone to just give a shit
I'm over the woe-is-me
I'm over the looking cool
I'm over the getting fucked up all the time
I'm over it
I'm over you
I'm not innocent enough for you
I'm not scene enough for you
I'm not stupid enough for you
I'm not passive enough for you
I'm not enamoured enough for you
I'm not conservative enough for you
I'm not for you....
current mood:  pessimistic
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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2:51 am
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I'm so over this right now.
I'm sick of the drama.
I'm sick of the bullshit.
I'm sick of sex that has to mean something.
I'm sick of lying to you to avoid the third degree.
I'm sick of putting myself through a relationship I don't want to be in
just so your heart won't break.
Fuck breaking my own heart for you.
I'm not 15 anymore.
What happened to karma.
current mood:  aggravated
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(comment on this)
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Monday, January 24th, 2005
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3:23 am
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You think it's good to be that person that puts everyone else before yourself.
Then you turn around and WHAM it knocks you out.
That sudden realization that you've fucked yourself.
You're self destructive.
And there's no way out.
There's no easy way to let you down.
So I'll just let myself down.
Time and time again.
Single isn't what it used to be.
current mood: apathetic
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, December 3rd, 2004
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3:00 am
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Hey look, a real entry.
I think it's all a joke.
A big, fat, HAHA, YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT kind of joke.
In the most fucked up way possible.
Why would I care so much?
Why would I let someone bring me down?
Why would I let myself hurt like this,
be tricked like this,
time and time and every fucking time again....
I can't handle this.
I think I've got too much to give,
and I think I'm giving it to the wrong person.
But it's too late now...
damnit, it's always too late.
current mood: melancholy
current music: ---
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
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1:32 pm
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HEY LOOK! I'm updating! Oh wait, it's just a lame-ass survey....
01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. How many times have we like, done it?
04. When and how did we meet?
05. Do you (or did you ever) have a crush on me?
06. Would you kiss me?
07. If you think you hurt my feelings in the last question, now is you time to make it up.
08. Describe me in one word.
09. What was your first impression?
10. Do you still think that way about me now?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. Do you want to see me naked?
15. When's the last time you saw me?
16. Where was I? / What was I doing?
17. Ever wanted to tell me something, but couldn't?
18. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
current mood: apathetic
current music: The Smiths | Sweetness
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, October 17th, 2004
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12:45 pm
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Hello hello. No one reads this. But that's ok. It's better that way.
I don't really talk to her anymore.
We're supposed to be on ok terms.
I don't think we're anything to each other anymore.
That should make me sad, but it doesn't.
I think I'm growing up.
And I don't really mind.
I just wish growing up didn't have to mean growing apart.
From people that you love.
But, that's life....
current mood: complacent
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, September 5th, 2004
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8:44 pm
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Hey look, I'm updating. I'm so cool. Or not.
Sometimes I think this is all a joke.
Ok, so most of the time.
I talked to her last night, and it was like nothing ever happened.
I kind of liked it.
It looks like I'm right back where I started...
This cycle never ends.
Oh, and I have a headcold and my mom thinks I have the drip. Yes mother, I'm a cocaine addict. Would that make you feel better about your parenting skills (or lack thereof)?
current mood:  sick
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(comment on this)
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jubilant