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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 11:34a | we're stuck inside our own machines... don’t wait up, I won’t be coming home… It’s cloudy and grey here today, but when I was driving in this morning, the sunrise was really beautiful. It looked like tarnished gold behind cuts of satin fabric…I like leaving early enough so that I can drive by this little track where they always run the horses. I only get a fleeting glimpse of flashing legs and then I’ve already gone by…but I like seeing the horses exercised in the morning, lately there’s been some fog and the air seems like it’s mauve coloured. It makes me mushy, I think. This morning, I could also see the sun, I could stare directly at it because it’s hiding behind translucent layers of early morning fog…I can see the edges of the sun, it feels like it’s being coy with me, revealing but not revealing…strange. if you lay me down in concrete fields, will I dream of grass and opera… I want something more. I think I have an idea of what I want, but I’m aware that I rarely get what I really, really want. It has to do with being happy with my life in general. I feel so sedentary, I don’t know how to stop it. I dislike that photo of my eyes…I think it looks like a cropped mug shot. I look kind of stoned or drunk or something…which is possible, I have no idea what I was up to when that photo was taken. I can’t even look in my own eyes…*grin* you are the only one I miss… mmmmm….so and so…… I swear to god, if one more skinny person comes up to me, saying they are feeling fat…I’m going to lose it. One particular girl comes up to me this morning (while I’m smoking and thinking of music lists, etc) and says something like, how do you deal with it? Not finding stuff to fit you? I actually start laughing, and look at my shoes, thinking what? Am I naked and didn't know it? So I just say, and I’m terrible because I’m so sarcastic today, that they have special stores *just* for fat people… She looks at me blankly. And because I can’t resist….I say that I’ve had the same clothes since 1997. Another blank look. Someone else starts laughing beside me. I light another cigarette. I think to myself that I ought to shut up before I embarrass myself and this girl. But I’m bitchy…oh so bitchy today. “yeah, but how do you find stuff in your size”, she asks. I’m thinking, my size?? What am I, an elephant? So much for my thinking I was hiding anything…heh. Geez….I didn’t think I was *that* big…I may have to re-think EVER having sex again, because you know…..I’d have to be naked and have someone else touching me, then they would feel I wasn’t skinny, oh my god, oh my god.….yeah, *right*. As if that’s what’s going through my mind when I’m….yeah. “It’s fine. There really are stores that have larger sizes, and if all else fails, there’s always Pajamas” I tell her. She looks perplexed. What is the problem here? I’m not sure why she’s so interested. “oh….so what kind of stuff do they have in these specialty stores?”, she decides she is going to have a smoke too. I start smoking mine, faster. “The stuff I’m wearing on any given day. Did you know….they even have larger sizes in wal-mart ??? I mean…can you imagine???”, Shut up Gish, just shut up now… She looks unimpressed, surely she was expecting me to say something else. What was the point of this whole exchange to begin with? I have no idea. Oh...but we aren’t at the best part of the conversation yet. “well, you look really nice for someone your size” she says, butting out her cigarette. One of my smoking buddies is now choking on her cigarette. “Thanks”, I tell her, “So do you. I mean, look nice…for your size.” But now…wouldn’t you know?? I’m feeling kinda fat today…*grin* Music list for people who drive to work: Weapon – Matthew Good Sister Awake – The Tea Party Teenage Wristband – The Twilight Singers Hello Timebomb – Matthew Good Band Anti-pop – Matthew Good Band Black, black heart – David Usher Failing the Rorschach Test – Matthew Good Band Times Like These – Foo Fighters Premonition – Conjure One Twenty First Century Living – Matthew Good That Song – Big Wreck Are you Gonna be my Girl – Jet Temptation – The Tea Party How Are you? – David Usher Ok, that’s usually what I listen to every morning on my way to work. I just got my slick little hands on a new copy of Beautiful Midnight by Matthew Good Band, so that’s been in heavy rotation since the weekend now I work me the night shift, where I pull and pull and pull, till it hurts... <---my new favourite line...heh. The first and last songs on the list are a bit slow, softer than the others. Keep in mind that Matthew Good Band and Matthew Good are two separate entities. Yup. And that’s my driving…so far. Subject to change without notice. Jarrett....I expect a space on the time machine...I need to go back to...somewhere else. Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: Apparitions! - MGB |
| 9:46p | Cryptic? no, you would have left me anyway... I half heartedly looked around for some photos of Stuart to post, in order to cheer myself up...but I found none that suited the purpose. None with sideburns or him wearing glasses...I guess I'll have to wait until they have a show around here somewhere...someday. IF the new album is ever finished...I should shut up, all that stuff about not rushing perfection... I swear you mighta left me anyway...so I'll leave you instead I can't...I'm umm...yeah. Feeling a bit low, at the moment. It may or may not be related to an earlier post, who knows...I can't even begin to want to figure it out. My landlord is driving me nuts, I like him, I do...but sometimes he's a little higher maintainance than I'd like. I'm thinking of moving, but I come back to the whole "I like this neighbourhood" thing, etc...cheap rent, blah blah blah. But...isn't this the cuteness? I thought so, he doesn't budge for anything when he's sleeping. He needs to be told over and over again that my legs are not for climbing...I guess he lost interest in the curtains. My Sam for short.  Piece mail...hmmm...initially, I thought this was something I wouldn't do because I didn't think I'd find a photo that I actually liked my smile in. But this one isn't so bad, I suppose. So here's my mouth. That's about the best I can do...the original photo is crap, I think I photograph really badly at the best of times, but sometimes...I get a good one. It's the unposed ones I really like...of anyone. You know, the ones where you catch someone in midlaugh or mid-sentence. You get a shot of someone smling to themselves, or deep in thought...a shot of someone painting, lost in that allusive creative process that we all want, wish, die for....  you told me that I'm full of fear I'll shake this mood in a couple of days. It's been awhile since there's been a 'low' entry in here, I think...maybe it's time for some deep, thought provoking introspection that leads to new decisions, resolutions, etc. Fuck, I have no idea. because I'd rather be alone When I get to that spot, I hate it there...the walls close in and I get stuck on my island. The more I realise what could be out there for me, the more I dislike my trips to the isolation island. But sometimes...you know...you're already on the boat and you didn't even know you'd bought a ticket. That's just the way it is sometimes... and I am sitting there, in my usual spot...holding a ticket for a trip I haven't even packed for. let me bow my head Under the Lighthouse - Big Wreck p.s Jarrett, even if it takes you away from me, I'm happy for you....really. Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: Under the Lighthouse - Big Wreck |
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