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Saturday, May 5th, 2012
6:11 pm - May
my favourite clock

Mornings still a bit difficult getting used to. I know, I know. Whine, whine, whine. But what can I say? I'm just not a morning kind of gal. I guess I could be if I had the promise of a nap later in the day :)

Working right through this weekend, just getting things done, orientation and all that sort of thing, then full time days starting Monday. Exciting. And even earlier mornings, we're talking 5 a.m. here. Even if I'm done at 4, that still seems like a bit of a rip. I like my job, though. That's the thing. I think I will be satisfied there in terms of my work in the field I am in.

Still looking at apartments. Things are more expensive since my Colborne days. I still like that area of town but it's not a deciding factor in where I will be living, I'm more interested in finding a place that suits my small budget and where I can be comfortable with Buckley and perhaps a new dog. I am looking forward to settling down, for sure.

Things are good, in case this sounds like a cranky entry. I'm enjoying the weather, and wearing summer clothes. Skirts and plain white tshirts are the thing, right now. Soon I will be taking detours to the beach after work to swim, where I can feel the strong undertow and the silty sand beneath my feet. Bruce Springsteen on the stereo. Shower Lake Erie from my skin and I will feel refreshed and born. again.

Soon the strawberries will be ready and I will pick baskets for my parents, and pretend I can make jam, but really, my mouth will be red because I will eat more than I can cook. Crispy seeds between your teeth, and the sweet red that strawberries are. It will be a lovely thing.

I had a dream last night. An old lover. His skin was as smooth as a mirror, his mouth sweeter than I recall. I woke up feeling odd. As if there is something I forgot to do.

More lists. :)

current mood: full
current music: Long Walk Home - Bruce Springsteen

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Thursday, May 3rd, 2012
8:26 pm - neglecting the Blurt-eh again
Work has consumed me these past few weeks. As the new intake of kids looms closer, I'm getting more excited about all the programming I get to implement and getting used to my new role. It's exciting to me, at least. To all the rest, it's old hat for them.

Mornings come hard but I'm hoping once I am into the routine, things won't seem so rough. Apartment hunting is interesting, I've looked at a lot of dumps, and one nice one (although I found out this afternoon, the Landlord is a drunk and was really rude to me when I went to drop off my application).

That took the bloom off my day.

But tomorrow, it's skirt wearing weather and a new mixed cd burned to listen to, so I'm already looking forward to the morning drive.

I bought a pillow today; my first purchase for my new place (wherever that is).


current mood: calm
current music: Human Touch - Bruce Springsteen

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Tuesday, April 17th, 2012
4:53 pm
Commissioners and wonderland

Despite my lackadaisical efforts to not become employed, I've accepted a job in Southern Ontario. I had halfheartedly planned on living in my grandfather's house on the reserve in Northern Ontario and trying to finish any writing I had started over the past few years. Instead, I will be living in a tiny apartment which I will undoubtedly fill with Gish-junk and consider a haven, and work as a supervisor at a treatment centre for kids who have addiction problems. It's a job I can sink my teeth into, and one I won't feel bad about having.

And Buckley will be able to walk in the park, although I suspect he will still have issues with the leash and will instead bound all over the place like an electrocuted rabbit. Unlike the sedate walk Marble often exhibited.

I miss the city sounds, so it will be nice to be among the sirens and street sounds. I wish I could have my old place back but I'm told it's been sold and renovated into chic little apartments. Such a shame...renovation. No one seems to appreciate the old for what it is. Too much in a hurry to make their own mark, perhaps. Who knows.

And I get to drive my parents van all over the place. Which is too bad, because I miss my little car. Cheaper on gas, and it has a better stereo. But wheels are wheels, I suppose.

I wonder if it will be fun picking out a new set of dishes. Again. Although, I do look forward to junk-shop shopping. I like old stuff. Hopefully there is still some left for me.

Time for Haven. It's my new favourite television show.

Have you guys seen the gigantic cups of coffee Tim Horton's is selling? Crazy. So much money for such bad coffee. First things first: French press for the tasty coffee. I need to make lists.

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Tuesday, April 10th, 2012
8:45 pm - I am not crazy. Not really.
These frosty nights have been warmed by many a camp fire while I've been about, sharing my company with others. Another Easter holiday came and went. My mother cooked another amazing dinner, which I ate too much of.

Warming myself by the fire.
Manitoulin fire

Today, I was out on one of my old haunts, driving on familiar country roads in Southern Ontario for a job interview, which I am sure I will not get. But the ride was nice, so was the very late breakfast I sat down to at Yia Yia's grill outside of Lambeth.

I've always loved the little jam holders in restaurants.
I've always loved jam packs

The food was good but my eyes were bigger than my appetite and I didn't finish my breakfast. It snowed briefly while I was out there. Then I stopped at the camera store to see if they had a Holga in stock, which they didn't, so back to Rose's where I read and wiled away my time. I have a bunch of stuff at her house, so packing is kind of a problem. I'm also not sure if I should take everything back to the Island, or keep it here in the event that I am again someday gainfully employed.

Everything for me right now feels like a series of starts and stops. I try to be more careful in my decisions, aware of my age and the lack of time (because of age) to fool around with the years doing silly things. If that makes any sense. I think about permanence and having a home of my own again, maybe some chickens and a little goat in Northern Ontario. Or I think of working, a little apartment in London, and just breathing slowly enough to keep breathing. I picture walking Buckley in Springbank park. Barbecues with friends. My nephews being themselves and still thinking I'm the greatest aunt ever. I think of things that might make me happy, and I hope I can start laughing like I used to. easily and without covering my mouth. And music that makes me feel good. Friends that are there when my light goes dark.

Ah...I'm laughing a bit here, because Rose is having a heated discussion on Facebook with someone who thinks any piece of garbage on her street is a fetus. Seriously. And I thought I was nuts. I shouldn't be so hard on those with little working brain matter.

On those lost highways again tomorrow. I have my parent's van right now, it's like driving a small bus. I miss my small cars. I saw a hot green oldie car I want to buy. I could be the cool girl in a hot car.

Sure, I can.

p.s thanks to everyone who emailed about Marble and Beebs, very kind.

current mood: okay
current music: Esta Noche - The Twilight Singers

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Monday, March 26th, 2012
1:35 pm - Tiny dancers
Being here, at my mother's on the Island feels wrong right now. Right, but also wrong. I came to get my car that has been languishing in the shade of a great maple tree that has stood there longer than any house on this property.

Detritus from my former lives litters the interior of the car like some kind of weird Gish-like archaeology dig site. Slowly unearthing things no one ever wanted except for me.

And Marble, who died without me, while I was off gallivanting between countries and oceans as if I had so much time to burn, even though I'm on the wrong side of my 30's with so much that lies undone.

Marble, my near constant companion for the past 15-odd years. His silver/grey fur, wise brown eyes that rolled whenever I pointed a camera in his direction. His dislike of water in any form; rain, puddles, baths. The way he burrowed under the blankets to sleep, instead of on top like most pets. The way his ears came to alert and his little tail wagged furiously when I came home. When I came back for him.

But not this time. He's left, and I know all the good things to say like; he was old and lived a good life, it was his time, etc. But what I wouldn't give to have some kind of miracle drug to extend his life in perfect health for another 10 years. What I wouldn't give to let him know that I did love him like no other, despite the many times I left for human adventures. I think at the end, he just gave up waiting for me to come back.
two of a kind

I have no illusions of a pet heaven. I have no illusions that he misses me, and wishes he was still alive. In his mind, the unknown dog language that I never learned, who knows what he thought or felt about me at the end. And there's nothing for it.

My feelings toward Beebs, the one cat that followed me through so many different houses, from northern ontario to Ottawa, to the north again, London Ontario, Thunder Bay, and finally back to the Island where she was born. She was savvy, a smart girl who knew who she was, I am sure. If she were human, she'd be a fast talking plus sized girl who wore red lipstick, killer heels and never regretted anything. But she was a soft grey longhaired cat who always came to me when I was in the room. Slept beside me at night, and still played like a kitten when the mood took her.

I can't write about this stuff without getting weepy. I wonder if it would have been better if I was here when they died (within a month of each other) and now my grief would have calmed down some. But now, it feels as though there are things I will never know about them. And I hate that, the unknown.

Buckley, the insane Cairn Terrier I bought 5 years ago, in anticipation of Marble's demise remains here. A balm for my broken heart. He is grieving in his way. He won't go back into the dog house he shared with Marble. He grew up with both Marble and Beebs, I am sure he thinks that Beebs was another dog like him and Marble, the boss of him.
Beebs and Buckley

I had hoped Buckley would have the personality of Marble, calm and stoic, but who seemed to love me no matter what. However, Buckley is his own dog. He's nutty, if he were human, people would think he would be considered eccentric. He reminds me of me. Never learning the basics of life and polite society.

We must be a perfect match.

The sun it out today. It's a sharp, clear day. The sky; that impossible blue. Brown leaves crunch underfoot. There are no green buds on the trees this far north. I look at my grandfather's house and wonder how much it would cost to put on a small addition for a studio, and what it would take for me to live there. A hermit on this land that belongs the Crown and no one else. How can I achieve permanence in a place like this? How.

It would be terribly ironic if I decided to live on the Island, the Reservation where I came from. The place I ran from for so long, only to land back where I began.

Life's funny, isn't it?
portrait 1

current mood: indescribable
current music: Tiny Dancer - Elton John

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Sunday, March 25th, 2012
1:36 pm - they left and I didn't know it.
Beebeese, 1995-2012

when we were young

Beebs in model pose {8/365}

Marble 1994-2012

Our last time in the park


I know I have a heart, because it's broken.

current mood: sad

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Wednesday, March 14th, 2012
4:28 pm - many faces
I've got this pain in the side of my head. I don't know if it's jet lag, dehydration, or just plain caffeine withdrawal but 4 extra strength Advil liquidgels hasn't touched it. My shoulders and legs are aching from carrying all of my earthly possessions around like a sherpa all day yesterday. The painkillers haven't touched that either.

Sometimes, I've got the good luck. The kind where my travels go smoothly, and I sleep well on planes, trains and automobiles. Other times, my travels are fraught with plane delays, delays of any other sort of movement, and the stupid sort of people that stand behind counters, the kind you never want to deal with, even on your best of days.

I've had both of those kinds of luck the past couple of days.
And all I want right now is a very large, very strong cup of coffee with lots of cream and sugar. And where is that darn chinese food that I ordered 45 minutes ago?

I've been into the self portraits, lately. I can't seem to like my face when I am either smiling or stoic, but I am really digging the funny faces. Maybe because it looks like me, but only cuter. Or better. Or something.
funny face

funny face

I'm looking forward to Spring, and summer in Canada. I originally wanted to spend those seasons abroad, in some foreign land. But I think I've had it with travelling for awhile. I'm longing to settle down into a permanent apartment, an ordinary job, and the art of populating your space with the things you love and covet. Like that perfect chair by the window, or those little soaps in the shapes of sea shells. Whatever.

I want that.

And I'm going to get it.

current mood: awake
current music: kids are screaming outside. Damn March Break.

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Friday, March 9th, 2012
5:30 pm - a list of bad things.
It's been awhile since I've graced your eyes with my rambles. But I have good reasons. Although I can use my iphone for internet, for some reason Blurty is blocked from it so I'm unable to access when I use that connection.

Too many things going on right now. All I can be happy about it the fact I have something like 6 bottles of wine stashed in the house. I'm thinking I may need them when things get really dire. Instead of trying to explain how and why I am in a bad way, will take too long and I don't really want to rehash it all in detail. So...point form!

- trying to get back to Canada. I got a prepay credit card to book the flight, then bought credit to put on it. turns out I can only load 150 euro at a time per 30 days. Seeing as I need 800 dollars to buy the ticket, you can see the dilemma.

- No money because I used it all on the stupid credit vouchers and figured I didn't need money anyway because I was planning on flying back to Canada next Tuesday.

- No food, because I didn't do a grocery shop thinking I wouldn't be here to eat it anyway (still thought I was leaving next Tuesday). I do have rice, pasta and a lot of bananas, so I'm not starving, but you can see how those things will not last long.

- Have not paid rent on this place for this coming month (spent it on those fecking vouchers) seeing as I still (stupidly) thought I was leaving.

- No one in my family or friend circle can help me out. I can understand that. These are rough times, and money is short for everyone. No blame.

- I'm a little depressed. Not slit my wrists depressed but I'm sitting here spinning my wheels, and although I've turned this situation around and around in my mind, I see no resolution. YET. I mean, something good could happen, who knows.

- I have 600 euro worth of these seemingly useless vouchers. no cards will allow me to use them, and they are only good for things like ordering food over the internet. LAME.

- my boyfriend thinks I am lying about the money thing, which I assume means he thinks I have the cash stashed away. Which would be totally cool, because if I did have the cash...I'D BUY A PLANE TICKET HOME.
You can tell we have a really great relationship (sarcasm).

In any event, that seems to be the bulk of it for the time being. I suppose something good could happen and suddenly I am able to leave this place and come home. But for the time being, the situation is pretty grim.

I have been up most nights, unable to sleep. So I scratch out little things to write about, so maybe that's one good thing to come of this. There better be, anyway.

Here's a photo I took the other day of the tide being out. I picked through the seaweed (weird stuff, it has alien like bulbs growing on it), gathered some shells. And figured out what scallops look like before they get to the grocery store.

the tide is out

Out for now. Multiple episodes of Law & Order, SVU are waiting for me. At least, I have that.

current mood: distressed
current music: the waves of the Atlantic

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Sunday, February 19th, 2012
2:05 pm - My freckles and Travellers
Those two subjects are not related.

It's been a busy day today. Not one of those kinds where my head is spinning, and I feel as though I'm about to be sucked into a vortex. Instead, it's been productive. I've packed about half of my things. Once everything is gathered, I will call a taxi (a man with a van), load up and take it over to the new place.

I take little breaks here and there for a smoke. A click onto Blurty to see if it's working (hasn't been loading for me today, the day I want to update), a smoke and some cold coffee. There is no method to my packing. Mostly, I'm using re-usable grocery bags and just packing whatever is in front of me. I do have some stuff. But no where near the household-full I used to pack up. Mostly makeup, clothing and some knick-knacks. Is there ever a correct spelling of that word?

I was so optimistic yesterday. I got up early, had lots of coffee, dressed lightly because the sun was out full blast, met Anne for lunch downtown and then it started to hail. Then sleet. Then snow. Mind you, nothing that will actually stay on the ground, but when it's coming thick and fast you get soaked pretty quickly. And I had left my jacket at home, because it was so nice out I didn't think I needed it.


Anyway, I huddled into my thin scarf and stood in the Candy Land american sweet shop (where I bought a Mountain Dew) and tried to wait it out. Eventually, I gave up because you just never know when it will stop.
I made a run for it, grabbed a cab and went home. I keep meaning to stop in at the tattoo shop because my Link tattoo still hasn't healed, and since I can't twist my head like the exorcist girl to get a look, I wanted them to see if all is well back there. Ooh, I mean of course, on my back shoulder.

Since I've been using the public transit a lot since starting my placement, I've been doing more walking. Although it's to and from bus stops, it's still more walking than previous. Whereas before my pants would fall down only if I was wearing one of the bigger sizes, now all of them try to fall down. So I walk around constantly hitching them up. And before you ask, yes, I have two belts which are in constant rotation.

The problem is, I can't buy jeans here because there seems to be some weird European crotch to waist ratio that does not match mine. Ratio, I mean. So I try stuff on, and it's like they were made for midgets, only with really long legs, if that makes any sense. I have a flat ass, I've mentioned this many times before here, but these won't even cover my butt in both senses of the meaning. Even in the Plus sized store (notice the singular) in Galway. So I either have to get suspenders and look like a *total* dork, or wait until I get back to Canada for new pants.

Maybe I'll just wear skirts all the time. With my running shoes. Oh, that would be another dork look. I could just accept it, I suppose. I'm in my mid-thirties now. I thought I had freckles (they definitely were not there ten years ago, I checked my old photos), turns out they are age spots. AGE SPOTS. Then when I tried to figure out how to get rid of them, all kinds of anti-aging or corrective microderm abrasion information kept coming up. I was stunned. And disgusted.

Now I know why people want to slap on the sunscreen so much over the past few years. Myself, confident that I never burn (well, except that one time just before I went to Italy) bothered with the sunscreen. I figured, I'm already brown, I'm Indian...what's the worst that could happen?

Age spots. That's the worst that could happen. I don't really care about wrinkles, I figure that's a given as one ages and I've had wrinkles (I vainly call them laugh lines) since I was in my late teens. But the spots.
I have always had a freckle here or there. Now I guess they are breeding and spreading their brown bits of joy all over my face.

In other areas of my life, which are more important (but remember, I've always been vain), I was toodling around an estate here in town. Estates are basically like modern day canadian suburbs. I happened upon this:

Now, garbage doesn't really bother me. I don't look at it and become revolted. I think this is because I am not in a close proximity to it, and I also know I won't be taking a swim into its depths any time soon. The thing that bothers me about this particular photo is the fact this house is next door to a house that has a family in it. That family has to look at that, live next to it, children play near it. Rats probably abound in that pile of garbage.

The other thing that bothers me is that fact this is a Traveller's neighborhood. There is much discrimination against Travellers in Ireland. Pretty much how Canada treats its Natives, is how Travellers are treated here in Ireland. They are considered to be the lowest of the low, common stereotypes are that they steal, drink too much and are incredibly violent with each other, have no respect for the law or other people's possessions and just want to stay on Welfare.

Sound familiar?

So, my question here is: why has the city not come to clean this up? The house itself is not inhabited. In fact, there are only two families living in two of the five houses in this little estate. The rest of the houses are also crammed with trash. The windows are full of bullet holes and/or are smashed in. Garbage is everywhere.

But the houses remain in that state, no one comes to clear away the garbage. Even though the families are on a regular garbage route.

Sad state of affairs for Ireland to leave it's people to live in such squalor.

Just thought you'd like to know.

current mood: accomplished
current music: 17 - Kings of Leon

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Friday, February 10th, 2012
11:42 am - new photos
I'd drive all night...just to buy you some shoes
I'm still listening to Bruce. He's playing in Dublin in July. I am half-thinking of buying a ticket, but I'm not sure where I'll be at that point, so I am hedging. But I'd *love* to go. Would probably a great, fun show, with lots of energy.

Haven't packed anything to move yet. Still just going to work, going home, having dinner and a movie, then sleep. Well, when I can get it. Sleep, that is. I feel like I don't have enough energy to do any big projects during the week, although I should. Ordinary people do tons of stuff after work - I shouldn't want to just fall into bed after 7 at night.

Typical Irish house, taken from behind my office. I'm in love with the Hipstamatic application for the iPhone. It makes every photo I take, look amazing without my having to fiddle with it. I don't change things in my photos anyway, so this is just like an added bonus.
Irish house

I also joined a photo challenge where there is a topic for every day, and you must grab a snap of it. I also do various '365 photos' for different groups, so this is just one more.

today's topic: What makes me happy.
What makes me happy - feb photo a day

That is my Nintendo 3DS, I play it every day on the bus on the way home. And also when I can't sleep. It's one of my treasured possessions. It's the Anniversary edition for The Legend of Zelda (which I am sure I said somewhere already) and I *love* it. Hopefully, the love doesn't wear off once I'm finished with the Zelda action.

I see the sun trying to come out here, but I'm used to the grey clouds most of the time. I spend a lot of time hurrying from one place to another, or in my bed (no living room) reading, or watching something on my laptop. Last Saturday was spent drawing, which was so relaxing and nice that I hope to dedicate another entire day to something similar.

Three hours, then it's home time and I can rush home to have a nap before waking to start packing up. Cat is picking me up in the morning to go to the bottle bank where I will drop off all of my glass bottles (I call it the Walk o' shame because of all the wine bottles), then off to her place for lunch and then a visit to her friend's who runs a farm where there are a ton of baby lambs. I just want to take photos. I bet it's so cute. Even though I will have to watch out for all the shit.

Which is pretty typical, in most situations.

current mood: calm
current music: they play club music on the radio during the day here - hell

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Monday, February 6th, 2012
2:17 pm - I think I'll live in a trailer
Early mornings, or very late nights. Depends on how you look at it. I've been waking up in the middle of the night, usually around 3 or 4, up for about half an hour. No nightmares or anything like that. Just awake. I stare at the lavalamp I had bought last week as a present for myself. But in my cold bedsit (shoebox apartment), the wax hardly warms enough to move about properly, it costs a fortune to heat.

I stay under the covers, the electric blanket underneath me, so toasty. Sometimes, I wish I could pull the blankets over my head and stay there for a few days, but I know from experience, that just makes me feel worse. So now when I can't sleep, I had been using guided meditation but I think I've worn it out. Now it's Bruce Springsteen when he tells me he would drive all night. Whoever that lucky girl was.

But I feel good. I went to look at a new place yesterday, my current landlady has been making noises about my smoking. And if you know me at all, that's my 'one' thing. I have to be able to smoke in my house. Don't get me wrong, I open tons of windows, etc...but I want to be able to light up whenever I want. I know....but I want what I want.

Anyhow, the new place is actually a trailer by the sea. Literally 30 yards from the roll of the waves. I can watch the tide wax and wan from my bedroom window. This little trailer is what they call a 'caravan' here in Ireland (watch Snatch, you'll see what I mean) and is twice as large as my current place for the same amount of money.

I'll now have a proper living room, a galley kitchen, a spare bedroom which will be my art/writing room and a yard where I can plant flowers (if I want), and windows! lots of windows where I can hang things in. Shelves, storage. It's awesome. I'm very pleased with it. It is a trailer, but it's beside the sea. I can make coffee and drink it in the mornings there. Watch the mist blow across the Burren islands across the way. Plus it's a very private spot, more time to really be alone when I want it. Photos whenever I move in.

Met up with friends a couple of weeks back, it was grand. Connected with a guy over music, he marry's in the Fall to his longtime girlfriend. But it's nice to know there are still some people I can connect with.

Shot of a bathroom door in the pub. I just love graffiti in bars. It's like a request, instead of a slap. It wants to be read, begs to be read whereas on the street, you usually have no choice but to read.
Back of a door

My new place is further away from my placement and the university, but there's bus service and I can ride my bike on the promenade all the way downtown, if I want. It rains in different kinds of degrees here. Sometimes it's pouring, spitting, pissing, or it's like a fine mist which layers against your skin making it feel young and new. That's my favourite kind. I'd trade snow for rain any day.

My sea shell collection has already begun.

current mood: good
current music: Drive All Night - Bruce Springsteen

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Thursday, February 2nd, 2012
11:52 pm
Nothing better than a good bout of insomnia to prompt a post about...well, anything that is floating around in my head.

Just got another tattoo. I have had a long, long love affair with a particular video game called The Legend of Zelda. Link, my main character will now always be with me.

(there is supposed to be a photo here, but Flickr is taking way too long for my insane lack of patience right now)

But still. I can't sleep. I'd like to say I have a completely guilty mind but there isn't really anything in there floating around that I can blame it on. I've been going to my placement, semi-enjoying it, mostly because it's a change of pace.

I've had some disturbing news about the lack of funding for me next year, but I'm trying to be creative and figure something out for that.

I'm doing ok. One day at a time (I hope). I always jump and look towards the future, but really right now, I'm just trying for one day at a time. Each day starts, and then it finishes. I just keep hoping for the best (and still expect the worst).

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Tuesday, January 24th, 2012
12:14 pm - In the rough
Interesting developments in my little bubble of a world, lately. I have set myself a bit away from everyone, and just proved to others that yes, I am crazy. Knew I wouldn't hear back from some.

How it is in Ireland
Woke up this morning, barely. I have a hard time with getting out of bed because a.) I am lazy, and b.) I really like a toasty bed. But I got up anyway, ran off to the washroom, flicking the kettle on along the way. Washed my face, brushed my teeth and flossed (flossing always reminds me of g-strings, I dislike the image). Head through back to the kitchen, make a cup of instant coffee and go back to bed (it's really the only piece of furniture to lounge in, in my apartment) to wake up some more.

Last night was the first time I had ever navigated the city by bus all by myself. It sounds like something so lame, but it's the total truth. I've been taking a bus down to Eyre Square in the evenings then cabbing it from there. But I finally decided that I would just try it and see how it goes. I'll spend 8 euro a day instead of 18 euro on transportation, it's kind of a must-do.

I've been taking the first route bus for a couple of weeks now. There are regulars. I feel interesting, sitting there, slowly becoming one of those regulars, either playing my 3DS or listening to music. I hop off in Eyre Square and went to investigate the posted times for buses. See, the thing is, they don't post maps, so I get confused because I can't see where the damn bus is supposed to go in relation to my house. I also am still having trouble with the 24 hour clock and often have to count on my fingers like a moron in public to understand what time it is. I know. Weird.

Turns out the bus that goes near my house (I think) will arrive fairly quickly. So I wait around, pretending I know what I am doing (well, I guess waiting for a bus doesn't really flex the acting skills) and smoke a cigarette. I'm thinking about the walk from the bus stop to my house and how the streets are mostly dark, also how it's nice and cool for the evening, and fairly quiet. So, I walked the entire block and a half (hard to tell since all neighborhood streets are pretty curvy) get home, it's half past 7 and I haven't had a bite to eat. I boil up some rice, garlic and pesto and blammo: dinner.

walking home

How it could be in Italy
Then an hour watching an Italian movie, which then in turns to my interest in falling down piles of stones that make up huge old houses in Italy (can you guess what I watched? total chick flick). I google, find many such properties, for only something like 30,000 euro! So of course, I want one. I want one because they have wooden beams that are a hundred years old, and stone that a mason actually fashioned into a square like shape a hundred years ago. I want one because the windows are large and looming, the entire house is made of only stone and wood and is still standing after a gazillion years.

I already know I could just scrape off the moss in the damp spots, set up a little writing desk next to a window, throw down a soft rag rug in beautiful colours of a siesta sunset, onto the 2 foot thick floor and have candles everywhere. Huge pale yellow pillar candles you'd see in churches, the wax would puddle on the floor, but that's ok, because it can be scraped off, no problemo.

It doesn't take much to live in the rough. Even the gypsies wouldn't live as well as I would with no hydro and plumbing in my proposed villa, and they live in the ditches in Italy. A floor beneath my feet, a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head.

In the purple/red haze of the hills of Italy.

current mood: creative
current music: Irish radio babble

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Sunday, January 15th, 2012
6:22 pm
Have I ever mentioned I store my photos at Flickr?

No? Well, considered yourself told.
It is fun to go through them all and see my weight fluctuations.

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Thursday, January 12th, 2012
4:57 pm - born
we can make it better sometimes...
I'm not entirely convinced. I'm at the age now, where things need to matter. The words that spill out of my fingers to the pen don't seem to gel. Gel. Like jam, or honey maybe. Flow. Like water. Clear, clean, tasty water.

I'll always look back.
Union Station

Pouring rain this morning, but it turned misty as I was leaving the house. Wore my special waterproof Rocketdogs today, but it doesn't matter. Could have worn ballet slippers and it would have been ok. Grey jeans, black long sleeved tshirt, hair down and everywhere. Grey knit hat, black rain coat. Invisible makeup on my eyes, so I don't look like I'm trying to go cold turkey.

I wish I could take a month off, lay about the flat in my underwear. Surf the net for information, listen to bad 80's rock, 90's rock. Prince.

Not this Frankie says Relax business that is currently on the office radio. Placement has started. I stagger out of bed every morning (well, for the past 4 so far), and sit there staring at the wall for about 20 minutes while the caffeine sinks in. I've been wanting to hit the wine this week, but have been shattered every evening so I plod on home, eat some crackers and bury my head under the pillow before falling asleep.

I pack cucumber and tomatoes for lunch. Oranges that are shaped like lemons (confused fruit?). The running narrative in my head has taken on it's Irish accent, and has started substituting words and phrases. It's funny.

Maybe sometime I'll tell you.

current music: radio babble

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Saturday, January 7th, 2012
2:05 pm - Subject of Jersey
I don't want to hear about it, anymore
Missed connections between planes, time zones and fog delays. It took me about 7 hours to get to New Jersey (that's a 1 hour flight, by the way). Then stranded here until this evening, when the next flight to Ireland is going out. So I have a late checkout, then on to languish in the Newark airport until about 7, I think. I ust want to get back there, snuggle in my little bed, and await monday morning's events.

looking for myself at the shore

I'm listening to music I used to love when I was 14. Lots of things have been surfacing from that time. Old boyfriends, music, bad art. Is nothing I do, ever awesome enough to stand the test of time? Hard time. Time is hard.

Anyhow, better go get dressed. Can't hang out in airports in my sleeping clothes.

p.s I am very grateful to the friends I have. Thank you.

A side

High Enough - Damn Yankees

current mood: okay
current music: High enough - Damn Yankees

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Sunday, January 1st, 2012
2:08 pm - The old year
In what used to be the safety of a childhood home, the snow drips to water, then to glistening ice. Pools of water are drip, drip, dripped into, replenishing the water lost to ice. Silver, transparent, colours that exist only in my mind. I own those colours.

In my mind.

Other people murmur their words, I feel them pass through my ears like there is nothing in between. No joke. My photos fade. The one of you is folded in half, and lives in my backpack. I take it out sometimes and wonder why it stays with me, when clearly you didn't.

It's raining in a grey curtain now, slip-sliding down the windows, I like that sound. It's a comfort. It's like the feeling of whisky slipping down your throat, warming it's way to somewhere else.

We discarded the old year last night like an old coat. Slipped it off, and welcomed in the new one as if we already knew it was going to be great. I sat at the table, sipping from a can of pepsi (secretly flavoured with liquor) and quietly remembered it was another year spent breathing, as opposed to not

Hope springs eternal.

current mood: awake
current music: The Honeymooners on t.v

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Thursday, December 29th, 2011
8:47 pm - Gift vouchers
Nothing like a busy Christmas to take one's mind off their own problems. A couple of flights, some cheap liquor, cigarettes burning in ashtrays, wrapped gifts, a warm boyfriend and all seems kind of bearable. For awhile.
you just keep me hanging on

New photo-play for the 'proposed' website.
Cover Page

Still in London. My plans for the next week are uncertain, not sure where I will be sleeping until January 5th when I board planes back to Ireland. Change time zones again. If life were gift vouchers, I'm sure I would have used them all up by now.

Tried to go to The Vietnam Restaurant. It was closed for the holidays until January 5th. Story of my life.

Perfect Day - Lou Reed

current mood: blah
current music: Perfect Day - Lou Reed

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Monday, December 19th, 2011
11:50 pm - wish you could come, too.
shredded, like emotional road rash but I don't feel it.

On the strength of I don't know anymore, trying to write. Mostly, I am getting a lot done. Spent a fortune on my hair, just to look pretty for a day or two.

Writing, I get scribbles and scrawled drawings of boats, ships that could sneak me away. Filled ashtrays with the ends of cigarettes I never finish.

But. the most important canvas, remains untouched. Blank and cold as an Arctic night in December.

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Tuesday, December 13th, 2011
9:03 pm - seduced into the deep

An unwritten book. Can pages be torn out, shredded, thrown away, erased with the end of a pencil?

And why do people think it's a bad thing? Could be cleansing. More like real life. gritty.

current mood: blank

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