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Thursday, October 15th, 2009
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6:31 pm
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| Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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6:03 pm
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you know the one I bought in Phoenix, where they sell old jewelery.
Above is the photo I took of our Thanksgiving dinner spread. It was tasty. I won't bore you with the details of how I forced lemon herbed butter underneath the skin of the turkey breast and mashed cream cheese into the potatoes. But yummy, nonetheless. Also, the peach pie I decided couldn't be that hard to bake, turned out ok, too.
In my ever changing duties at work, I had to arrange a funeral today. It's the first time I've picked out a plot, bought a casket, or tried to decide on a Catholic or Anglican ceremony. To tell you the truth, I am not even sure if this is supposed to be significant to me, or if it's just business as usual. I guess my stomach will decide.
I'm homesick, in case I haven't mentioned that before. I feel when I speak with friends or family, it's just a long list of complaints and no bright spots. I try to keep an eye out for those bright spots but it's been a little more difficult since I've started sharing space with the Italian, and I feel like I can never show my real face, even at home. And I'm not laying blame, it's really just a matter of my own comfort level with things.
So, homesick. Trying to patch together some time off for the beach vacation with Number 4 and some time with my nephews and parents and other sisters. Basically, I don't know how it's going to work. But I'll figure something out. I am thinking for January, so I still have time to work out plans.
It sounds low, but I feel good. The first snow fell and stuck to the ground. I drive around for work, and I see kids out in their snowsuits, making snow angels. They stand up to admire their work, then run off..the still falling leaves of poplars flying behind them in little whirlwinds.
It's enough.
Harder Now That It's Over - Ryan Adams
current mood:  okay
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| Friday, October 2nd, 2009
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6:53 am - I will never be with you.
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I shouldn't listen to James Blunt in the morning. It's almost too sweet, like eating chocolate or sugary breakfast cereals with very little milk. Marshmellow shapes that melt in your mouth or turn your milk into rainbow colours. Too sweet.
I guess I am all done with driving to Yellowknife for awhile. The blanket of freezing temps and glittery snow will soon descend upon us and it will be like a quiet numbing feeling that will linger until the first breath of Spring comes back around. It all presents itself like a cycle in my mind. Round, circular, the only thing really different being the year. 2003, 2006, 2008. I am looking forward to the snow. I've got pellets for the stove in my house, blankets to cover my bed, and somehow, a guy to keep the sheets warm for me when I jump in (not necessary but nice to have, nonetheless).
I'm up at a good time, hoping I will leave the house so I am not late for work again. There is heavy frost on the car, Alessandro stood at the kitchen window in front of the sink, waiting for his truck to warm up. Good morning kisses still surprise me, but aren't unpleasant.
I still cling helplessly to things from the past, but it's comforting in an anchoring sort of way. Like a small way to remember how I used to be. That girl. Then I realise in short blasts of clarity that people are ever evolving and that the same is true for myself. A constantly changing orb of colour.
But now it's time to choose the eyeshadow colour of the day. Greens? Blues? Pinks seem to lame. I want something punchy.
current mood:  content
current music: Only This Moment - James Blunt
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| Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
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8:02 am - Polaroid fun
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Someone sent me the link to convert photos into a 'polaroid'. I have one pack of 10 photos left of actual polaroid film and have been hoarding it for good times. But I can never seem to decide what would be a good time. So, here is a way I can have 'sort of' Polaroid shots. Very cute and handy, this program. I love it so far.
If I'm not on the internet fooling around with stuff like this, I'm wrapped up in my head, trying to think my way out the situation I've gotten myself into.
I should clarify that it's not a bad situation, just one I am unfamiliar with and I don't know how to navigate my way because it's like I'm lost at sea, and am surrounded by fog. Writing that, I can hear the creaking wood of an old ship, the snap of the sails in the wind, and even the scent of salt on the air. I'm just feeling a bit lost.
There is nothing 'wrong' with my relationship, but I do feel as though I should be looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing. And this is to my own detriment. I know I should relax and just enjoy what's happening, but I just can't. It's too much of an alien situation for me to become too comfortable. I worry about the future, I worry about what I want, or what I think I want, or what I 'should' want.
I've had a toothache since Saturday and that doesn't really help things. It makes me whiny (in my head), and uncomfortable and all too much time to think. Which could be the killer in this event. I can think my way out of or into anything.
And right now, I feel the urge to run. I am thinking of leaving for the weekend, holing up in a hotel somewhere and just be alone. I have the urge to jump on a plane this weekend, go to my mother's and hide out in her basement. Or some tropical place, where no one knows me and I can hide behind my sunglasses and multiple fruity alcoholic drinks.
that's what it is, really. I want to be alone. Like I used to be. That at least, is familiar.
current mood:  confused
current music: Fearless - The Matthew Good Band.
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| Sunday, September 20th, 2009
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1:45 am
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Sometimes, I am reminded. That I love my dad.
current mood:  grateful
current music: beginning of a movie on loop.
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| Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
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7:06 am
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Ah, it's always the light that catches my eye. Draws me in, like a fish chasing a feathered lure. I swim through the dark and hone in on the shiny bits of the room.
The show in Yellowknife was good. The crowd had great energy and I came away feeling a bit like my old self.
Photos and all. Driving hours on ribbons of highway unfolding itself in front of me. Music blaring, cigarettes and just the thoughts in my head. The sights I see.
current mood:  calm
current music: Another Pilot - Hey Rosetta!
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| Monday, September 7th, 2009
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7:45 pm
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oof, I just realised that I wrote 'food' on the brake instead of 'foot'.
Duh.
And I have a tooth ache, so I tok a Tylenol 3 prescribed by the dentist. End result: I am kinda high. I think I will remain in bed for the time being. At least until the floor stops moving.
Hope I don't barf.
current mood:  high
current music: the rain, outside.
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| Monday, August 31st, 2009
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8:13 am - When you gonna flower?
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My Morning Glory plant has finally flowered.I've been patiently watering it, and hoping it bloomed before the frost came to zap it dead on my front deck. Finally a reward in the square shaped blue blooms came to me this week. I just want to stare at them. Beautifully symmetrical and blue.
I'm back in Yellowknife for work reasons. I elected to drive this time so I can enjoy some serious alone time and get back in the groove of driving which I used to love so much. So armed with the 10 mixed cds I made for myself, my camera and a lot of cigarettes, I ventured out and 5 hours later arrived in Yellownife with a sigh of regret that the first part of the trip was over. Checked into the hotel and settled down for a night of reading and tv background. It was lovely.
And I only saw 3 buffalo on the side of the road. So I stopped for a photo, with one food on the brake and eyes on the massive animal that could have charged my car at any moment he felt necessary. I wasn't prepare for how large these things are up close. This is about 20 feet away.
I left my home life behind which wasn't necessary, just felt normal. But laying in bed last night and thinking, I realised it will be nice walking into a house that another has been breathing in for the past few days. Sometimes, I wonder how I got into this. Other times, I realise it's just a frog in the pot thing. Something I gradually got used to, and was in the situation before I realised anything was completely different. Those Italian text messages aren't enough to make me come undone.
current mood:  good
current music: Hey Becky, I Keep Singing This Song - Hey Rosetta!
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| Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
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9:14 pm
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ahh...just back from an overnight trip to Edmonton. I've been going straight for 2 weeks at a frenetic pace and was really looking forward to a weekend of doing nothing, but it was not to be. So, I just got home and am trying to enjoy the quiet. Which is hard to do with a guy around, cleaning the house and cooking dinner. *grin*
But Edmonton was made sweet by a super visit to Sephora. God bless that place.
Got some kickass new eyeshadow and brushes and other face painting girly stuff.
Mmmm...
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| Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
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2:15 pm
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pssst. Locked entry. You need to log in to see what's happening.
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| Sunday, August 16th, 2009
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12:43 am - Food for thought.
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For some reason, my friends list is not posting any entries. I don't know if that is a Blurty thing or if everyone is on hiatus and have flown the coop.
It's semi-late in Gish-land (since I used to go to bed so early) and I feel a little satisfied with my day even though I spent most of it in bed, alternating between books and cat naps. I suppose the fact that I am not on call, makes me feel like I can do anything I want. Strictly speaking, I can generally do anything I want. I think.
Alex is sleeping soundly beside me, I'm thinking of waking him up to entertain me, but I almost don't have the heart. He looks so peaceful, and just because I am up and raring to go doesn't mean whoever is in the room needs to be as well. See how less selfish I am becoming? It's almost weird.
Bailey has taken to sleeping wherever Alex is in the house, right now he is nestled beside him. I am trying not to feel a tad disgruntled by that fact. Maybe I should take the dog's lead and just go with the flow more often. But I do find it hard to show emotion. Or need. Or want. It's hard to become un-stoic when one has been that way for so long. Food for thought.
Privacy. Which is sort of a double edged sword when one posts all sorts of shit about themselves in an online journal semi-regularly, but I feel odd meeting up with people on the street when I am with Alex. It's like...umm, weird. Such a small town, I bet the rumours are flying fast and hard. which is dumb thinking on my part. Not like his truck hasn't been parked outside my house 5 nights a week. What the hell am I afraid they are going to say that isn't already happening anyway?
Lame, in my mind. My thoughts and/or worries seem lame.
Anyway, guess I'll do some blanket burrowing and get some sleep. Not sure what's up for tomorrow. But I am thinking of a late breakfast and a ride out to one of the smaller towns.
It's time I took a drive.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Bermuda Highway - My Morning Jacket
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| Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
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7:21 am - love don't mean a thing
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I leave little messages for you here
I'm not at the point yet, of lighting one cigarette off the end of another. But getting close. Seems all I'm doing lately is smoking. In the car, half smokes because the rides are so short. Or I get bored during break time so I don't finish a full cigarette. Maybe it's making things bleak in my round world, not sure. I broke the new iPod dock already.
I bought a beautiful sky blue couch at a yardsale on the weekend. But it won't go into the tiny doors of the trailer (yes, I live in a trailer) other than the main doors. It will go through the backdoor, but that's on the other side of the house. So it's making my front porch quite homey for the time being. At least, until I can hire someone to move it for me.
Heartache shine a light...down on me tonight
I woke up alone for the first time in a little while, it made me feel disoriented. But I eventually kicked that lame feeling out of my head and remembered that I enjoy waking up to an empty bed. Just seemed...odd, at first. But I was so cranky yesterday that I suspect I wasn't all that successful in pretending I didn't care that he left in the middle of the night, not waking me because he knows sleep is precious. But I guess I couldn't help but feel a tad disgruntled.
Photos I took years ago are popping into my mind. Not in relation to what I'm feeling, they just appear like debris on a beach, washing ashore from a plane crash. I pick them up, examine them for meaning. But no possible puzzle combinations seem to fit, or make sense.
Work's stressing me out. Which is a good sign, in my mind. This means I'm busy, and getting back into a groove I used to inhabit. I know it shouldn't but work does really define me. It keeps me in line. Makes me participate.
it gets me lying sideways
Black storm clouds rolled in last night. The air turned cool, and rain soaked the ground for 3 hours. I splashed through puddles on my way to the airport to see someone off safely. I watched the jet taxi out, then take off, leaving nothing but white showers of mist behind it. Those turbines made reluctant water move as if it were on fire. I thought about my camera. I thought about a lot of things, my face on one side of the window, rain drops on the other.
I wanted to be on that jet, too. I just don't know where I'd end up.
She's In It For The Money - Matthew Good.
current mood:  weird
current music: She's In It For The Money - Matthew Good
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| Thursday, August 6th, 2009
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12:02 am
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It's been over a month since I've been home from my awesome Ireland trip. Feels like ages ago I was taking a ferry back from Inishbofin with Irish rockstars and my best, true friend Anne.
I guess I've been thinking about the trip a lot lately, more in terms of housing, obtaining a Visa, how to support myself, etc. Just a few thoughts to file away for future ideas.
My lover just left and I'm eating a bowl of dark red Bing cherries, sitting in front of my laptop, my long fingernails are making tapping noises on the keyboard but I'm not overly sure if what I am thinking is translating to the page. A learning process. I pushed past my boundaries and basically told him what was bothering me. And it feels we cleared the air.
While I'd like to think we are adults, I am hoping there is no fall-out from this discussion. Just a thought.
Back to the cherries, and then some sleep time. It's way past.
night, sweet cherries.
current mood: better
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| Saturday, August 1st, 2009
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11:02 pm - Makeup, Hawksley and a new lover.
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| Friday, July 31st, 2009
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7:12 am - Shameless self promotion.
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I think I do this without even being aware of it. Who knows, since I'm not really aware *grin*
In any event, this will come to fruition at some point, but here's a pretty splash page for people to look at:
http://www.abstractmagdalene.com/
It's where I will pull together everything about me, or what I do, more specifically. Writing, art (painting, other stuff I get my hands dirty with), photography, blogs, picture posting, twitter, facebook...pretty much my entire web presence will be centrally located.
I'm sure I will still cross post to Blurty because I do have a soft spot for this place, not sure why since it's so dead here.
So there you go.
In other news, Alessandro is coming over after work to cook some kind of Italian dinner. I am mostly interested in the tomato sauce from scratch. But I think I lost my grocery list somewhere. I'm trying to be nice. but it's hard to use someone for sex if they have performance issues. Yes. I just wrote that.
current mood: awesome
current music: Jenni's Song - The Matthew Good Band
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| Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
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9:01 pm - New permanent digs.
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| Monday, July 27th, 2009
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7:22 am - waking up from a long sleep to find myself in a clearing of a green forest.
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A part of my life that I haven't been paying attention to for the past while has revealed itself, demanding attention. So, since I listen to what my head says (most times) I said ok, lets go. I started seeing Alessandro and am just feeling things out very, very slowly. Not typical Gish-way, at all. Usually I rush into things, and examine the pieces after the fact. But this time, I'm content with taking it slow.
This is for a multitude of reasons that I don't know I can explain here. Perhaps another time. But rest assured, it's fun in a weird sort of way and I absolutely *love* the fact that he can read Dante's Inferno to me in the original Italian. That's what I get for dating a guy from Milan. Score! (literary score, at least).
Oh yeth.
Just a shot of my bag when I was on my way from Scotland back to Ireland in June. I had it crammed full of stuff. The top layer being exposed has all of the essentials I would need to grab at a moments notice. The middle and bottom layers having clothes, books and other things I wouldn't need while in transit.
Notice the awesome Clinique makeup travel kit. Fab buy in Duty free. The iPod, a necessity. Travel journal. British cigarettes, galaxy bar in case I needed sustenance and my new Fluff wallet that I adore even though I've always been into smaller, non-girly sorts of wallets.
Joy in small places:
- I am having a cup of Kickass (a brand of strong coffee beans) coffee, in bed while I update my journal.
- The Ghost of You Lingers by Spoon just came on the iPod in the other room, love that song.
- Bailey, satisfied from his morning activities, is sleeping at the foot of the bed.
- I got out of bed reasonably early this morning.
- Alessandro has soccer this evening and I may go and watch.
- did I mention my coffee tastes amazing this morning?
- I cleaned my bedroom yesterday so it is reasonably tidy now.
- new makeup coming from Sephora!
- new books and personal products coming in the mail, too!
- going to try a different eyeshadow combo for today.
- My new bedsheets are amazing!
Makeup and getting ready for work time.
current mood: good
current music: Giant - The Matthew Good Band
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| Sunday, July 19th, 2009
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11:49 pm - A secret surprise coming soon.
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Now that I am in my right mind, I can write an ordinary sort of post and not that nonsense of the last one. But since I never edit posts...it's up to me to leave it up. Punishment for my own indulgence in silly, silly affairs of the heart that I should have grown out of a long, long time ago.
As for the subject line, I shouldn't say soon. It could be long time in the making and god knows I change my mind often enough. But keep your eyes peeled on this page. Something is going to show up eventually and it's going to be kickass. I promise.
Just wanted to pop over here really quick and update (like I used to, daily). I have a guilty confession to make. I spent the entire day on the internet. And I mean, since I woke up until I am about to log off to try to sleep because I need to be up by 5:30.
Nuts, I know. Crazy, hells yeah. But I've been pretty absent from the internet for a few days and I like to keep in touch with everyone and everything, so I sat down for a serious session today. Got a lot done, too. Some writing. Photo editing. Made up a photobook to get printed at some point. Mostly when I feel less guilty for blowing almost 300 dollars at Amazon.com the other day, and then another 100 at Sephora.com today. But it's been awhile since I've indulged (Ireland doesn't count in this equation as I mostly bought stuff for other people). So new makeup and the entire series of The Wire will be arriving for me soon.
I wish I could say that I am more excited about the dvds, but in all honesty...I wish I had the television with which to see them better with. Insurance still hasn't gotten around to figuring out my claim and so I watch everything on my laptop. Which is fine. But...I kinda wanted to watch The Wire on a big screen.
Other news: I'm going to figure out how to make my own stretchers and stretch my own canvas if it kills me. I'm not the most dexterous person when it comes to assembling wooden things, but I'm determined. If the hardware store was open today, I would have had some kind of result by now, but nope. Must wait for more time off, even though technically I was working this weekend. I have more canvas ready to be stretched/gesso-ed bought from the hardware store the other day, so it's all in motion.
A photo of my feet, relaxing at the cliff's edge on one of the Aran Islands in Ireland.
Time for sleep. It's midnight here. I'm kind of jumpy, because I keep waiting for my beeper to go off. But I'll try for sleep in any case. I am totally liking where I am right now. The inspiration is pouring in for words, colour and photo clicks.
Stay with me, baby. I'll wake you when the telephone rings. It's all just nonsense, anyway.
Love,
Gish.
current mood:  tired
current music: Cautioners - Jimmy Eat World
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| Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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2:34 pm - my golem.
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Hear me out...
I still care for you...
Don't ask. I'll tell. I guess I always tell.
keep having this dream, in the night where it seems I can fly, but only when no one's around.
I was driving somewhere yesterday, caught sight of someone who looked so familiar that it went straight to my stomach and sat there like a happy little present. It gave me a little glow that faded by the time I lit my next cigarette. But things like that always bring stuff to the front of my mind. It mingles there with my Day Planner, my Post-it notes, and my endless cups of coffee that fuel my working day. In among all of the other names, and possibilities that are thrown my way (increasingly so, lately), you're still there.
Can't you see what you mean to me?
I know it's lame. But there it is. Again.
I write this in a moment of weakness. My defenses are down. My mouth still frozen and swollen from the dentist. My eye makeup is perfect But my eyes are glassy. I'm bruised and in some pain physically and that makes it easier for emotion to sneak in.
I keep having this thought that you don't even exist and I just made you up.
I'm aware that this is completely in the abstract, that I've most likely constructed a golem of you in my mind. And that I don't know you anymore. A figure of plaster and paint and mud, wearing the bright blue that grace the statues of the Virgin Mary's. Something someone puts on their dashboard. In hope. But I don't have any hope with your statue. It's more like a keepsake. A reminder of something that flared up so briefly in my bruised up little heart all those years ago that made a lasting sore there that aches every so often.
So, I'll take these thoughts to bed with me, under the covers with a flashlight.
Click on. Click off. Off.
p.s I did lift those pictures. Which can be taken down upon request. I'm not interested in upsetting anyone.
I Still Care For You - Ray Lamontagne
Becky, I Keep Singing This Song - Hey Rosetta!
current mood:  sore
current music: I Still Care For You - Ray Lamontagne
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| Monday, July 13th, 2009
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5:57 pm - you'll change your mind come Monday.
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I've spent a lot of my spare time lately, puttering around the house and putting various things designed for living, into their 'rightful' places. Although, truth be told, that doesn't explain why I have most of my camera equipment stored in a kitchen cupboard by the stove. I think this is the spot where people usually put their drinking glasses. Not sure. Accessible, that's for sure. And it makes sense to me.
Just a quick shot of the new digs. This is after I've unpacked everything, and bought a few things from local garage sales (gotta love the coffee table set for 15 dollars).
And of course, Bailey walking across my line of sight.
Today was another Absinthe green eye day. Tomorrow will be purples. I have come to like categorizing the mood I wake up in, with the colour I put over my eyelids. For now.
I should be contemplating the huge amount of laundry that has collected in my bedroom but right now I am obsessed with getting a kickass set of oil pastels. Gone are the days (for the time being, at least) of going out to an art supply store on a whim and buying what I want, when I want it. That sucks. I checked the two places that *might* have something, and came up empty. Even from the store that claims to have art supplies. A couple of sketch pads and colouring pencils do not count as art supplies, in my mind. Maybe for a 6th Grader.
Mind you, don't be surprised if I come home with those very things on the weekend. I'm desperate for colour. I've got a few large-ish sized canvasses in the next room, waiting for me to ruin them with thoughts and ideas. I can hardly wait. The gesso isn't even dry, yet.
In other news, a childhood friend (and artist) surprised me by asking if he could do a portrait of, well...me. I said yes, and when possibilities were mentioned, he brought up sculpture. I said, hell yes. I can hardly wait to see what he comes up with. Burning to know, in fact.
Gotta run. Hot Dogs are getting cold.
current mood:  giddy
current music: Cautioners - Jimmy Eat World
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contemplative