Date:	2005-01-31 16:49
Subject:	Sigh
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	How Soon Is Now - the Smiths

Im having a bad day. For several reasons:
The first being that I didnt get much sleep.
The second being that I couldnt buy tickets to go see Cream with Steve and John because there is a possibility that I have an exam that day.
The third is that someone is really pissing me off. Im really sick of their continuing presence in my life. I hate hypocritical, sycophantic, stalking weirdos.
The fourth is that I have no weed to make me feel better about the previous three statements.


Meme that everyone seems to be doing:

(A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

(C) Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything

Date:	2005-01-31 00:56
Subject:	No sqooking the hamster!
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Holiday - Green Day

We bought a hamster! Huzzah!

Recently I havent had so much luck with pets: I had a hamster last year called Sartre, but we think that she was part lemming because she kept throwing herself off of the top of things - a habit which resulted in her untimely death :( After that we bought a fish called Anne Bonney. When I was younger I used to keep hundreds of fish - I had like 5 or 6 tanks in my bedroom. Fish are cool - very peaceful. But, unfortunately, Anne also met her match in the shape of the electric filter, and went down to meet Davy Jones. And I dont mean the guy from the Monkees!

However, I feel very positive about the new hamster. We bought him last Tuesday. He's so so cute! Very timid. He's kinda golden coloured on top with a white underbelly and does very cute things :) We gave him a name each - Steve chose "Naitch," I chose "Immanuel," and Jason chose "Khan." So he is Naitch Immanuel Khan, Naitch for short :) And we love him lots :)

Ell and Zoe came over for tea last Tuesday, which was nice :) I dont get to see them as often as I'd like - they are very busy people. It was good to just chat and stuff. This week we are having Holly over for tea :) So just look, all those people who are currently calling me unsociable - perhaps its just that I dont want to be sociable with you.

Ive seen alot of movies recently; some good, some not so good, some terrible. I could give a long explaination of each, but you'd probably all get bored. So here is a very brief "review" of each:

"Electra": So awful. Not as bad as "Alexander," but very close! Ugh!
"The Aviator": So very cool. Give it Oscars ;)
"I *Heart* Huckabees": Also very very cool.
"Sideways": Technically good, but not as good as I would have liked
"Team America": This sucked. Some funny songs but overall it really sucked.

On Friday Steve, Vicki and I went to Manchester to see Green Day. We had a really nice day. We got to Manchester at around 11am and went to see "Sideways," (see above). We then went shopping, had food at the Hard Rock Cafe (so cool) and went to the concert. Green Day were brilliant! They are very good showmen/performers - I think its good when bands interact with the audience. They were awesome :) They sang lots of stuff from their latest album as well as lots of old stuff. They sang "Holiday" and "Hitchin' A Ride" so im happy :) So cool.

The concert finished at about 10:45pm and our train wasnt til 3:24am! So went to a very late showing of "Team America" (again see above) before heading to the train station. Our train got to Preston at 4:10am where we were supposed to have a 3 hour wait til our connection. However, we were told by a very impolite train conductor that we could not stay in the waiting room as he wanted to lock it up :( It was freezing outside so we kinda thought "to hell with it" and got a taxi to Lancaster - which, by the way, cost a small fortune. But at least we got home 3 hours earlier than we had expected.

After having very little sleep we got up early to go to take Pulsar to see "Assault on Precinct 13" However no one turned up to see it so we trundled home zombie-like and watched one of the 18 things we still have new to watch! We're beginning to wonder if scrapping the cinema trips might be the best way forward. People seem to have lost interest.

The Radio Show went really well on Saturday night. Steve got lots of texts from people we know and people we dont know. It was very cool, and went very smoothly :)

Thats pretty much a summery of everything I've done recently. I only have two things left to say, and they might come off as very contrasting in comparison to each other.

The first thing is that ive suddenly found my optimism. At the beginning of term I was so stressed about stuff - the future seemed very stressful and "up in the air." However, I suddenly seem to have sorted stuff out. I know what im doing, I have a plan and im happy about it. This probably isnt very clear. But im happy and thats what matters right now.

The second thing is that im pissed off. There are times in your life where you have to purge something from your life. I thought id done that, but there is something that just wont go away and its really really pissing me off. At the minute I just feel like shouting FUCK OFF AND DIE. But I cant. The problem wont go away and its making me angry and upset. The past just keeps catching up with me. Im hoping for a Wicker Man, or at the very least a tragic chopstick accident. Yes, im being unclear I know - but I cant really be any clearer.

Date:	2005-01-26 13:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	Big Yellow Taxi - Joni Mitchell

A - Accent: Geordie. Unfortunately. And I pronounce "book" fine thank you very much ;)
B - Breast size: 36F
C - Chore you hate: Dusting/polishing
D - Dad's name: Neil
E - Essential make-up item: I hate make-up. I only wear make-up when im in a play or something.
F - Favourite perfume: Dont really wear it. Bodyshop Oceanus bodyspray smells nice tho
G - Gold or silver: Silver all the way
H - Hometown: Newcastle
I - Insomnia: On occasion, but not as often as I used to get it.
J - Job title: Student
K - Kids: I love kids :) Id like 3 or 4 ideally
L - Living arrangements: I live with Steve, Jay and Mike
M - Mum's birthplace: Newcastle
N - Number of pets you've had: Too many fish to count, 2 hamsters
O - Overnight hospital stays: One. Shudder.
P - Phobia: When im at my worst I get very agorophobic
R - Religious affiliation: Roman Catholic
S - Siblings: One younger brother, Mark.
T - Time you wake up: About 10amish
U - Unnatural hair colours you've worn: Oh God! Erm... pink, purple, blue, green, red, black, brown, white.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: Sprouts, turnip,
W - Worst habit: Fiddling with my hair
X - X-rays you've had: Two - one for a broken arm, one for a sprained ankle
Y - Yummy foods you make: Vegetarian shepards pie, pasta, cakes... I like cooking :)
Z - Zodiac sign: Aries - which is pretty accurate.

Date:	2005-01-20 23:46
Subject:	My eyes! My eyes!
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	Misery - Green Day

There are no words to describe the awfulness of "Alexander"

Im going to go cry now

Date:	2005-01-16 13:51
Subject:	"You never know when a dead rabbit will come in handy."
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	Gunners Dream - Pink Floyd

So Ive been kinda busy recently: I seem to have spent all my time since the beginning of Week 10 last term doing essays and stuff. But I eventually finished my dissertation at 8am on the day it had to be handed in! Huzzah! Its gone, finished, over with... except for the fact that this term I have to do a Special Subject which basically translates as another dissertation :( Oh well... the disserataion got handed in by zombie-me on Monday.

What have I been doing since? The answer is very exciting... or y'know, not. To be honest ive spent most of the week just sleeping - which was nice, and watching lots of the movies that Steve and I got for Christmas/bought with Christmas money. We've watched loads already and still have 13 between us to go! Yes, we are single-handedly keeping Play.com in business ;)

Im currently on a mission to buy every Alfred Hitchcock film ever released - he made well over 50 movies in total! So finishing my Hitchcock collection is unlikely any time soon. Actually, I'd guess that I own about 20 of his films already, so im not doing too bad.

Speaking of films, ive been to the cinema twice this week. The first was on Thursday: Steve and I went to the Dukes to see "Oldboy." The film wasnt brilliant and id probably not watch it again, but all the same it was a decent film that I wasnt bored watching, and it was good to come out of the cinema and not feel as if I had wasted time and money.
Then on Saturday we saw "Closer" which was brilliant. It had like acting and plot and everything! Im so pleased to see actual good movies again - I mean after not really seeing a decent movie since "Eternal Sunshine..." in January/February I then saw three good movies over Christmas ("Garden State," "Merchant of Venice," and "Coffee and Cigarettes") and now with "Closer" and the prospect of other films like "The Life Aquatic" on the horizon im actually feeling quite optimistic about the cinema world. There are good directors/writers/actors out there after all :)
In the upcoming week we plan to go to see "Alexander" (its gonna suck), "Million Dollar Baby" (there is hope for this), and hopefully "The Aviator" (should be good - fingers crossed). Yay for cinemas! :)

On Friday Steve, John (Steve's brother), Jay and I had a Bad Wrestling Movie marathon consisting of "No Holds Barred," "Ready to Rumble," "Santa with Muscles," and "Hell Comes to Frogtown." In between we watched really bad wrestling matches such as the one and only (thank God!) father agaisnt daughter match. My eyes! My eyes! :) The movies were awful, but it was fun :)

Pulsar this week wasnt as sucessful as i'd hoped it would be. Quite a few people turned up for the meeting but then left before the showing. And people talking through announcements is really beginning to upset me - the exec and myself put alot of effort into planning stuff for Pulsar so it seems a bit ungrateful, or at the very least rude, to talk all the way through the announcements - and usually through the showing as well. Not many people turned up to the cinema trip either - which is a shame coz the movie rocked (their loss!), including myself there were only 2 exec members, 2 members and 2 non-members :(

Started classes for this term. My classes havent really changed but the lecturers have so i'll just have to wait and see how this term goes. I now have an extra 2hr special subject seminar a week on legal philosophy which im looking forward to - i hope it doesnt dissappoint.
I had a very strange Plato and Aristotle seminar this week - to cut a long story short the whole thing resulted in me being called "one of those depressive existentialist Morrissey supporters" and the rest of the class deciding that Morrissey should be made into sausages so that he doesnt "make anymore crap music!" Strange.

Im now sitting around doing very little really. Steve and John have gone to Manchester to see Velvet Revolver (and wont get back til 7am tomorrow!), Jason is in bed, Mike is out and im bored! I think i'll watch "Psycho" in a bit. Yay Hitchcock!

Date:	2005-01-01 15:22
Subject:	End Of the Year Survey: 2004
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Satellite of Love - Lou reed

I pinched this survey from Holly's journal :)


1. What did you do in 2004 that you've never done before?
* Written a dissertation
* Went on a pirate ship!
* Gone to places ive never been before e.g Boston, Northampton, the Globe Theatre, British Museum
* Gone to the radio station/joined Bailrigg FM
* Went to the wedding of someone who I wasnt related to. Feels very grown up.

2. Did you keep your New Years resolutions?
To be honest I didnt have any. Ive never made a New Years resolution and I doubt I ever will.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. My cousin David's wife, Helen, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy called William. And we just found out a couple of weeks ago that my cousin Julie (David's sister) is now pregnant too :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not really. My granda was very very ill with bowel cancer but fortunately he seems to be making a slow, but steady, recovery.
My hamster, Sartre, died.

5. What countries did you visit?
I think that America was the only country I visited this year. I went to Boston for a week with my Aunt.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
* A degree
* An acceptance to do an M.A.
* More money to buy movies and go to interesting places
* Peace of mind

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
* November 22nd
* November 24th
Both are stuff to do with Steve

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
* Passing my 2nd year
* Being re-elected as Pulsar President
* Not going completely off the rails

9.What was your biggest failure?
* Smoking too much
* Being lax with uni work

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well not really; I was really ill the day of Fresher's Fair and had to miss the very beginning of it which I felt very bad about. Sorry to the rest of my Exec.
Oh, and I injured my toe and performed surgery on it!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
* My pirate hat!
* Return of the King Extended Edition
* Successful Christmas presents for my friends

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
* My mother
* My friends
* Steve

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
* My own sometimes
* The Shadow in the East (if you dont understand ask me in person. This is not a LotR reference.)
* People who weren't supportive about me and Steve
* The British and American governments
* People who flamed online for no real reason
* Some of my family

14. Where did most of your money go?
Movies, books, Forbidden Planet, getting photographs developed, presents for people, travelling to places, oh and of course - bills, rent, uni fees.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
* Steve :)
* Return of the King Extended Edition

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
"Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh" by Bright Eyes, being played Elton John's "Crocodile Rock" on the radio.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
a.) Happier or sadder? So much happier. It's probably unnatural to be this happy
b.) Thinner or fatter? Fatter. Im really trying to lose weight. I bought a rowing machine
c.) Richer or poorer? So unbelievably poorer :(

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
* Work. I really should put more effort into my essays and dissertation.
* Going to the theatre/concerts/cinema
* Travelling to exciting places
* Exercise

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
* Crying
* Marijuana
* Seeing God-awful movies

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
* We had a very cool Christams on December 17th which I spent with Steve, Jay and Mike
* I spent actual Christmas in Newcastle with my family. Did i mention that I never want to spend Christmas there again?

21 How many one-night stands?
None.

22. What was your favourite TV program?
Buffy, Dr Who, West Wing

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope. I hate all the same people that I hated then :-p Seriously though, I dont think I hate anyone, but there are quiet a few people who have gone down in my estimation.

24. What was the best book you read?
Oh God! Too many to list. Really.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Bright Eyes. Thanks to Steve for that one :)

26. What did you want and got?
Steve

27. What did you want and not get?
Someone to pay off all my debt :)

28. What was your favourite film of this year?
* Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
* The Merchant of Venice
* Coffee and Cigarettes
* Garden State

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my birthday Sam, Jay, Ell and I went for a meal at Bella Italia. The people that were there were nice, but it was kind of dissapointing in general. I was 20 years old.

30.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
* Not being stupid/insecure/hesitant
* Money to pay the bills
* More time to write my diss
* No stupid people making an issue out of nothing

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Erm... I pick up the first clean thing thats on the top of the pile and put it on.

32. What kept you sane?
* Drugs - legal and illegal :)
* Friends, family, boyfriend.
* Books

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
* Alyson Hannigan
* Robert Downey Jr.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
* The American Elections. Sigh.
* The so-called "War Against Terrorism"
* The realisation that come the month of May there'll be no one worth voting for.

35. Who did you miss?
* Steve over Christmas
* My home friends while I was at uni
* My uni friends while I was at home
* My mother sometimes when im at uni
* Jason when he is at home

36. Who was the best new person (or people) you met?
* Holly
* Raine (my brother's girlfriend)

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
* That it is possible to find happiness
* That sometimes, no matter how much you hate it, you have to hurt people for the sake of your own happiness
* Sometimes you really do have to seize the moment and take a chance.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Im so hard to handle, im selfish and im sad." Joni Mitchell, River.

39. Was 2004 a good year?
At some points I had a truely miserable time in 2004 but in general it was an amazing year. Especially the latter half.

Date:	2004-12-27 00:50
Subject:	Ive been pretty crap, huh?
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful
Music:	American Idiot - Green Day

So, what did I do today? I had lunch with extended family - well, actually I sat with my extended family while they ate lunch. I really wasnt in the mood for eating. At least there were less people here today than there were yesterday.

Then I had a shower for about an hour and a half. No, it doesnt normally take that long for me to have a shower, but I like to go in the shower to think. And today I had alot to think about. Mainly I was thinking about what a jerk I am. I know that things suck right now and im majorly stressed about stuff e.g. family, uni, money... But I feel like ive acted, I dunno, selfishly about it or something. I mean all ive done on this journal is whine for the past week. I shouldnt have done that. It was selfish and boring of me. So, for anyone who has actually sat and read all my crap entries for the past week, or for anyone ive moaned to on MSN or the phone, Im really sorry. I promise to be less self-centred when I get back to Lancaster.
Despite what you might think after reading my diary of late, there are some things in life that I feel good about: I have a wonderful boyfriend, good friends, a uni course that I enjoy and a roof over my head. I should really complain less. Did I mention that im sorry?

Anyway, back to my oh-so-exciting-day (*waves sarcasm flag*) - after having a shower I spent a couple of hours listening to music and packing my suitcase. Yes I know that im not getting back to Lancaster until Tuesday, but the thing is im staying at my aunt's house tomorrow night (God save me) before she drives me back to Lancaster on Tuesday morning (3 hours alone with my aunt in an enclosed space! PLEASE help me!). Speaking of Lancaster its now only 36 hours until I get home! Yay!

The rest of my evening was spent watching bits of "Concert for George" (does anyone else think its odd that Eric Clapton was there?) and then watching the new Sherlock Holmes story the BBC has just done. Speaking of which - it REALLY pissed me off. I think that Rupert Everett and Ian Hart did excellent jobs at the acting part. However, I think that they were given a bad script, a production team that were more interested in the scenery/sets/costumes than the story, and a director who seemed to want to ignore Doyle's characterisation in favour of "doing something different" - which, by the way, he didnt! And may I just add: Holmes did not take opium!
Ahem... *coughs* ... my mini rant is over now. You may all return to your seats :)

Im now milling around online hoping that i'll think of something to do. I probably wont be able to update tomorrow as I intend to spend the whole day doing stuff: Im going to look around the sales first thing in the morning, then im going to meet my friend James for lunch, and then im going to see "De-Lovely" with my mother and nanna. After that its a "fun" evening with my aunt.
My next update will be from Lancaster - and I PROMISE not to be miserable.

Date:	2004-12-26 01:00
Subject:	Bored Now...
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Im So Tired - The Beatles

Yeah, so im trying to kill time before I go to bed that doesnt involve writing my dissertation, and doesnt involve moaning or being pathetic. The only thing I could come up with was Quizilla!



Good. You know your music. You should be able to
work at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick and
Barry


Do You Know Your Music (Sorry MTV Generation I Doubt You Can Handle This One)
brought to you by Quizilla


I was quite surprised at this - I thought i'd done really badly



You are Emo!

You are very sensitive to everything and often find
yourself depressed or brooding. You get
attached to people easily and find it hard to
let go. However, you are creative and
articulate and can express your thoughts easily
and clearly. You are empathetic to people in
distress and often find yourself driven to help
them. Try not to focus solely on whats wrong
with the world, and try to notice the positive
aspects, too. Oh, and please put the X-acto
down.


What Kind of Music are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh :( That wasnt what I was hoping for :( Verity will be pleased; Steve and Jay will be laughing! Does this mean that I have to get a scarf and practice looking sad?



Hard Day's Night - you are cute and cheeky, or else
just plain crazy for the Beatles. You run
around a lot.


What Beatles movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


A Hard Day's Night is a cool movie - but really i'd be happy with any Beatles movie :)


Only about 60 hours to go til im back in Lancs... Not that im counting or anything... Yeah, well... Um... Does time always move this slowly?

Date:	2004-12-25 21:31
Subject:	"I wish I had a river I could skate away on..."
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	River - Joni Mitchell

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!


I hope that everyone has had a good Christmas Day and received lots of nice presents and eaten lots of good food :)


(I think it's best if I dont go into how my Christmas Day went. I'll just say this: I never want to spend Christmas at home ever again.)

Date:	2004-12-25 00:46
Subject:	Christmas Eve
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Layla - Eric Clapton

I dont feel very festive. I spent all day wrapping presents and sitting by the Chritmas Tree, but I just dont feel festive. Not even going to church helped. In fact it made it kinda worse - the choir sounded like they were all really stoned, and the priest was horrible. He couldnt even remember what month it was - "At the beginning of this month... This month of... er... Um... December!" Sigh.

I went to my uncle's house yesterday to visit him and his family. He only lives in the next street over so I thought it would be nice if I just popped over. I really wish I hadnt bothered. It was fun playing games and making Christmas decorations with my cousins, but my uncle just seemed to want to argue about stuff in this really childish way. For example he started going on about how badly I treat my parents and stuff - and anyone who even vaguely knows me will know thats complete rubbish. When I told my mother she said it was the stupidist thing she'd ever heard. He was really annoying.
And then he started ranting about Band Aid/Live Aid. He was saying that it is really hypocritical for rich singers to preach to him about giving money to charity, and he said that if they had just given some money then they wouldnt have had to have made a song. I really think that this is a stupid thing to say. The artists involved in Band Aid/Live Aid did donate money to famine relief. And surely it is better for them to donate money and encourage other people to donate money. That way more money goes to charity. And, personally, I really admire people like Bob Geldof and Bono who have been trying to help out with famine relief for 20 years now. No they are not perfect, and no they arent professional charity workers. But at least they are doing something - shouldnt that count? Im really pissed off about this. Grr... And then my uncles girlfriend came home and she started lecturing me about Eric Clapton. She was saying that I shouldnt like his music because he's so right wing or something. You'd have thought he was Hitler the way she was going on about him. Ugh! Is it any wonder that im not filled with Christmas cheer? Really? I finished off a bottle of wine and then went home.

Speaking of alcohol my brother and my father got home about an hour ago. They had been in the pub since about 6pm and were so drunk that they couldnt stand up :( They're both passed out now. My mother is furious and shouting at me. I dont think she thinks Ive done anything wrong, I just think she's stressed. Im so glad that I will be spending New Years in Lancaster.

Im sorry im not very cheery. I genuinely hope that people are enjoying Christmas more than me.
Happy Christmas Eve to everyone xxxx

Date:	2004-12-23 00:15
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Another Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd

Barely slept last night and then got up really early to... do nothing. I watched crap TV and then went to the cinema to see "Garden State." It was very good - ive now seen three really good films in three days - I must be dreaming!
I then went for a meal with my mother and my nanna. We went to this expensive-ish place which was so not worth the price we paid - the food was kinda crap and they played really bad christmas songs by people like Cliff Richard! Ugh!

After that I met up with some of my friends from school - Matt, Dan, Steve, and Chris - and we went to "Trillians" which is our favorite bar in Newcastle. Its located in a kind of backstreet and the bar itself is in the basement. Its very cool, well it is in my opinion anyway - its a rock bar and I guess it could be considered kinda dark and dingy by the uninitiated. Imagine the Bobbin crossed with the Dark Place with weird gothic artwork and rock/metal music memorabilia, and in a basement, and you're kinda there. I love it. The place was pretty empty tonight so we took advantage of the jukebox and had lots of fun catching up. I do miss my Newcastle friends when im in Lancaster. Dan and Steve visited me in Lancaster at Halloween which was great, and im trying to convince Matt to come visit me this term - after all it is a straight train journey from London to Lancaster.

Anyway, im tired and a little drunk so im gonna go to bed now. (Only 6 more nights before I get back to Lancs). Goodnight xxx

Date:	2004-12-22 01:11
Subject:	A pound of flesh, no more, no less...
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Your Song - Elton John

"You see me, my Lord, where I stand,
Such as I am: though for myself alone
I would not be ambitious in my wish,
To wish myself much better; yet, for you
I would be trebled twenty times myself;
A thousand times more fair, ten thousand times more rich;
That only to stand high in your account,
I might in virtue, beauties, livings, friends,
Exceed account; but the full sum of me
Is sum of something, which, to term in gross,
Is an unlesson'd girl, unschool'd, unpractised;
Happy in this, she is not yet so old
But she may learn; happier than this,
She is not bred so dull but she can learn;
Happiest of all is that her gentle spirit
Commits itself to yours to be directed,
As from her lord, her governor, her king."

Portia, "The Merchant of Venice," Act 3 Scene 2, by William Shakespeare


Yay! Not only did I see an enjoyable and interesting movie yesterday in the shape of "Coffee and Cigarettes," but I saw another one today! Two good films in two days. If you'd asked me three days ago if that were possible i'd have said no. But this morning my mother and I went to see "The Merchant of Venice" and it was really good. Its one of my favorite Shakespeare plays (along with "Hamlet") so im only happy if its done right - and it was! It's such a sad story though, it leaves you feeling uncomfortable and not sure who the bad guys are. They are so cruel to Shylock :( Anyway, the whole point of that detour was meant to be "film yay!"
So, my faith in cinema has been further restored, and im hoping to have it even more restored after "Garden State" tomorrow. AND, I saw a trailer for "The Life Aquatic" today and it looks as good as we were hoping it would. I repeat, yay :)

Unfortunately, after "The Merchant of Venice" I went to see "A Series of Unfortunate Events" which, to be honest, I thought was pretty dire :( It was very Disny-fied. And I guess that it didnt help that I was there with my brother who seemed to be in a foul mood :( It had to do with the fact that although everyone in my family seems to be talking to me, none of them seem to be talking to each other. Sigh.

Despite a whole lot of family crap I am a little more cheerful today. I think it has something to do with seeing two good movies, going shopping with my mother, and talking to Steve on the phone :) Plus I bought a book. Books are good. I like books :)
Im being strange now arent I?

Date:	2004-12-21 00:22
Subject:	Day 3 in the depressing chronicles of Shell's Christmas
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh - Bright Eyes

Im here to spread the cheer, clearly.

(Why am I updating so much? For one very simple reason: I have nothing better to do.)

So, what did I do today? Well, I spent most of the day Christmas shopping with my evil aunt - who criticised EVERYTHING about me from my hair to my clothes to my weight to my degree etc...... So that was a whole bunch of fun :( Or not.

When I finally got rid of her I went and had my hair cut. I asked for about 2 inches to be cut off but the hairdresser cut off more like 4 to 5 inches, which I didnt really want but it actually looks really good so im happy with it.

Then I did some more productive shopping by myself - I got alot of Christmas presents for my family and bought some vinyl for Steve. There are alot of vinyl shops in Newcastle and all of the owners now seem to love me. Ive talked to many over-excited vinyl retailers in the last couple of days, all of which have told me about EVERY gig they've ever been to and have gone on about what wonderful taste my boyfriend must have :)

After that I went to the cinema and saw a film that was actually good. No, really, im serious. After all the rubbish we've endured at the cinema this term it was so good to watch a decent film. It was called "Coffee and Cigarettes" and is genuinely worth seeing. I now have a little of my faith restored in cinema. Hopefully i'll have even more faith in cinema after seeing "The Merchant of Venice" tomorrow and "Garden State" on Wednesday. Yay for a town with decent cinemas that actually show good movies!
Im also going to see "A Series of Unfortunate Events" tomorrow, but I dont expect that to restore any faith.

Im now sitting at home bored and unmotivated. My parents are apparently not talking to my aunt because she called them bad parents. Oh, and my parents dont seem to be talking to each other either. And my brother seems to have gone AWOL. Aaahhh... The joys of being home. I feel so welcome - in an outside you're in the way why did you even come home sort of way. Sigh.

Did I mention that I miss being in Lancaster?

Date:	2004-12-18 21:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - Elton John

Im becoming really lax with my journal updates aren't I? Sorry. You probably all forgot that I was on your Friends Lists! Anyway, here's an update:

So, what have I been doing? Well, I was very stupid and left all my essays til a week before they all had to be handed in and then had to spend a couple of days doing essays non-stop. Which nearly killed me - so if I was unresponsive to anyone on the Pulsar Social in Week 10 im sorry - it wasnt personal, I just hadnt slept in a couple of days.

Our house had Christmas on the Friday of Week 10 which was cool. There were many presents around our poor little Christmas tree, in fact there were more presents than there was tree! I think that everyone had a good time :) All the presents I received were very thoughtful. Thanks to my housemates :)

The following day I spent the majority of my time just sitting around doing nothing, which was nice after a hectic week. We took Jason to the station to catch his train home, then Steve and I sat and watched my shiney new Live Aid DVD (yay) and his new wrestling DVD before heading to the cinema to see Blade Trinity.
Blade Trinity was crap. Other than playing "Spot Triple H" the film failed to hold my interest. It was dull, predictable and the acting was dire. Someone make a good film. Please. I'll pay money.

On Sunday I went to Northampton with Steve. It was really enjoyable to just spend some time together watching movies and going shopping and just hanging out without having to think about work or anything. I found it very difficult to leave on Friday :( And then the train journey was kinda convoluted - I had to get 3 different trains to get back to Lancaster!

Anyway, Im back home in Newcastle now. At first I was kind of excited about seeing my mother and my family and I thought that maybe id actually look forward to being in Newcastle this Christmas. This morning I was on a high about coming to Newcastle; but then I got back and it hit me that im going to be away from Lancaster and my friends for 10 days, and that there are some not-so-nice things about seeing family, and I miss Steve so much that I found myself standing in Forbidden Planet looking forlornly at Wrestling figures even though there were racks of Lord of the Rings stuff behind me :( Im really pathetic arent I? I cant help it. Now im in Newcastle I suddenly feel very alone.

Date:	2004-12-05 18:57
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic

I should have done this update well over a week ago. Ive tried to write it several times, but all my attempts have seemed inadequate. If this entry were less important to me then perhaps it would have been easier to write, but as it is, it is so important to me that words are insufficient to express my feelings. Im going to try anyway, so here goes:

I am in love with Steve, I have been for some time now. And Steve is in love with me, and we are together and we are happy.

Im sorry that this wasnt as easy as it could have been for some people, im sorry that people got hurt. Im sorry if people think ive done something wrong. All I can say is that im happier than ive ever been, and the way things are now is best for everyone, whether they know it or not yet. If anyone does have a problem with it i'd really appreciate it if they'd just talk to me. Im not going to discuss the ins and outs of how things happened here, but i'd be happy to talk to people in private.

Id like to hope that people can be happy for us. If they can feel for us even a fraction of the happiness I feel right now then i'll be content.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON!!!!!

Date:	2004-11-19 01:41
Subject:	"So are you telling me that the government should pay people to have their tubes blown?!"
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Crocodile Rock - Elton John

So, I havent updated in like forever. I know, im bad, but like so many people around here I just seem to have been so... busy of late ;)

So what have I been up to?

Well, firstly there's course stuff. I have three 2500 word essays to do for Week 10, a Dissertation to finish by mid-January and im currently stressing over M.A. applications. None of which is particularly interesting I know. My actual courses arent going so bad I suppose. Im kinda bored by Plato and Aristotle, although I have come to really like my tutor as a person, if not as a seminar tutor. Garrath is as cool as ever in Continental although we wont have him after Christmas :( And Extreme Ethics is always fun, if not big on the philosophy! It has produced some very funny quotes however, including:

* So are you telling me that the government should pay people to have their tubes blown?!
* Paedophilia, it's all swings and round-a-bouts
* Necrophilia, over my dead body!
* You agree with fox hunting? Does that mean you're Welsh?
* I only found out last year that Wrestling isnt real.

The list goes on. I think our tutor is scared because my group can turn any serious topic into an inappropriate joke. Oh well... *grins*

Secondly, ive been spending alot of time doing Pulsar stuff. There was the Halloween Social in Week 4 which was very very successful. Everyones costumes were so cool. Then there was the Manchester Trip last weekend which was loads of fun. Including 5 exec members we had a turn out of 16 people which was a nice size to have, and we had lots of fun wandering around Affleck's Palace and Forbidden Planet together in the morning and then splitting into smaller groups after having lunch together in the Food Court. Steve, Jay, Vicki and I wandered around HMV, Fopp, Forbidden Planet and Travelling Man and then we went and had coffee in Starbucks. Gingerbread Latte is so so so nice. Yum. I wish Lancaster had a Starbucks. It was also cool to see Vicki again, although I wish I had her energy :) Anyway, it was a successful day for everyone I think, which is good. We are now currently preparing for the 80's Social in Week 8 which has nothing whatsoever to do with Jason's birthday... honest... ;)

After the Manchester Trip I went to the radio station with Steve again. Its really cool, and kinda exciting. I dont think I could ever DJ though, i'd get totally confused by all the buttons and stuff. And I'd have this constant urge to pretend that we are in "The Fog," but that may just be because im sad and pathetic. Steve surprised me and played "Crocodile Rock" by Elton John for me which was really nice. Thank You Steve :)

What else social-ish have I done? More than I think ive done actually: My friends from Newcastle visited me for Halloween which was great. I miss them. Then, at the end of Week 5, I went home to Newcastle to see "Hamlet" at the Theatre Royal - all the actors were great except for the guy playing Hamlet! Which is a shame, but I did enjoy the other actors. I think the problem is that I know "Hamlet" so well that no actor ever fulfills my idea of how Hamlet should be played - however in this case I wasnt being picky, the guy was just bad :( It was good to visit my mother though :)

This evening Steve and I went to the Dukes to see a stage version of "The Talented Mr. Ripley." It was really cool, the acting was good and I really enjoyed going to the theatre. It was especially enjoyable to see a good lead actor after the bad Hamlet in Newcastle. I like the theatre, I used to go all the time when I still lived at home. I should go to the theatre here more. It was also good to watch something well done/acted after all the terrible films we've seen with Pulsar recently (Exorcist Beginning, A v P, Grudge, Birth etc... tho, Birth was well filmed I just didnt enjoy it)

Anything else exciting?... Erm... No. I bought some new trousers and jumpers - not very exciting I know, but now I have clothes that dont have holes in! Yay! Seriously though, right now im mainly just trying to get down to doing work, and buying Christmas presents. Speaking of presents its Jason's birthday on Sunday. Yay for Jason!

Ok, I think that entry was long enough to make up for not posting in ages. Hope people were intersted enough to read this far! Im off to bed now.

P.S. Good Luck to Sam for the interview he's got on Monday xxxxxx

Date:	2004-10-21 01:25
Subject:	Denial as a life choice
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Norweigian Wood - The Beatles

I feel pulled in so many directions right now. Im very confused. People keep having converstions that inadvertently lead me to think about things that I dont want to think about. Every now and again I have a thought that I dont like, so I push it to the back of my brain, and then someone will bring it up and I wonder if they've somehow known what I was thinking.
It's like imagine if someone had gotten away with murder. And then they bumped into a friend who had a conversation with them about murder. They would begin to wonder if somehow that friend knew what they were thinking. Its kind of like that, only less with the murder part.

So, im having a weird week. Ive been a bit manic really - one minute im high as a kite, and the next im as low as I can get. I dont know why.

For example, on Thursday I had a really good day. But then I got home and I talked to one of my friends from home. He broke up with his girlfriend recently so he isnt in the best of moods. And then we started talking about "openness." He says that he was the definition of openness with his girlfriend, but now that they are split up he doesnt want to be open with anyone again. It could be he's just saying that because he's hurting right now, but I dont know. He accused me of being too open. The whole conversation got me to thinking about things.

First of all, I dont think that being open should be a criticism. I believe in being open and honest - its a categorical imperative. But really, I dont think I am as open as people think I am. I mean people may think I am from things I do or say, but I know im not. Especially recently - I know that lately Ive become less and less open. I knew it already, but bringing the idea of "openness" into a discussion just made me look at something that ive been trying to avoid looking at.

Secondly, Ive heard it said that "A man is the sum of his memories." But im beginning to wonder. Talking to a friend from school about school just brought back a whole bunch of memories that I'd have rather stayed hidden. Ive heard people say that without my memories I wouldnt be the person I am. But ive never been able to bring myself to believe that. Ive always believed that even if I lost my memories Id still be me, id still be a good person because I'd still have my soul. Therefore, if my belief is true, there are many many memories id delete. I just cant handle the pain of reliving certain memories. Im sick of having nightmares about my past everytime I talk to an old friend from home.

Thirdly, is the saying "out of sight, out of mind," true? Pehaps, thats not the best phrase to use as an example. What I really mean is; people always say that when you get to university you grow apart from the friends you have at school. My friends from school barely talk to me or each other during term time but complain like mad if I dont go home during the holidays. Personally I still care about my school friends as much as I did when I was at school, and I miss them dearly. I just wonder if its possible that I havent stopped caring, and that they have? Im sure thats not true. I mean, they havent stopped caring. But I think im probably less important to them than I used to be.

I got an e-mail today from another school friend of mine, he's also just broken up with his girlfriend! I think 2 out of 5 of us becoming single in one week is quite unfortunate (that is, the five of us who went to Trillians: Shell, Matt, Steve, Dan, Chris)
I suddenly have this urge to ring Chris to check that he and his girlfriend are ok.

..........................................................................

I think my problem is that I have nothing to look forward to. My weeks are all the same as each other - I go to classes, I go to Pulsar, every weekend I go to the cinema, I get stoned, I write my journal. I have nothing to look forward to.

Date:	2004-10-14 22:16
Subject:	"Thou goest to the women? Don't forget thy whip"
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	Lucky - Bif Naked

The above phrase won me a packet of Smarties today :) Garrath asked us to translate a sentence of German from Nietzsche and thats what it turned out to be. I was the only one who did it and therefore I won the prize! Yes, I know that makes me teachers pet, but it makes a change for it to be me - usually its Jay!

Today, much to my infinite surprise, was a really good day.

First of all, we had a lecture at 9am - normally that would be bad, but we have Garrath Williams (who's great) and I'm really loving Continental Philosophy; so its worth getting up at 7:30am. We got there a little early and the only person there was a girl drinking tea. We got talking and it turns out that she is really cool so Jay invited her to have tea with us in the Venue after the lecture.
Her name is Laura, she is a 2nd year doing philosophy and english, she joined Pulsar last year, loves Steve's e-mails, likes Homestar Runner, likes sci-fi... She was really nice and likes lots of stuff we like. It felt good to make a new friend. It seems like so long since I made a new friend. It made me realise how insular I can be sometimes.

Then Jay and I went to the philosophy office to enquire about doing an M.A. We got all the forms for the course and for the grant application. Im really excited about the idea of doing an M.A. I know that this is going to sound really corny but all ive ever wanted to do is be at university. I love learning and I cant imagine not being in a learning environment. I want to do an M.A. I want to do a PhD I want to lecture or write papers or be on a government ethics committee. Other than opening my own book/sci-fi/comic book shop (which is my pipe-dream by the way), the only thing that appeals to me as a career is something academic. Anyway, so I'm now so desperate to do an M.A. that Im terrified about filling the forms in - Im absolutely terrified that I'm gonna get rejected or not given funding or something :( I'm gonna stop sounding all learning-obsessed now.

At 4pm we had our "radical innovative" 2 hour Applied Ethics workshop. I actually enjoyed it this week. Last week it kinda disappointed me. The 2nd years, other than Holly (like the leaf), seemed to be kind of gormless(and the fact that they have not done any Ethical theory yet looks like its going to be a problem - though thats not their fault). But this week it was much better and actually fun :) I now have renewed hope that it will turn out to be ok - which is good, because ethics is kind of my area.

We were very happy after leaving ethics because the day had been good, but then on the way to the bus stop something happened that made us ecstatic - we bumped into Vernon Pratt.
We were just saying the other day how much we missed seeing Vernon because we dont have him for anything this year. And then we bumped into him on the way to the bus and he sat next to us on the bus and we talked about philosophy and sci-fi. It was so great. It was the perfect end to an excellent day.

Anyway, im going to go along with this high while it lasts. Take care everyone :)

EDIT: Nautical Nerds updated: www.geocities.com/nautical_nerds/index.html or www.blurty.com/users/nautical_nerds