TrAgEdY's journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> MY SPACE :)
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
6:33 pm - No sleeping pills, no old tatoos will save you now.
Things lately have been strange. I feel like I'm spinning, everything is a blur, I feel sick, and yet I can't stop spinning.

My surroundings are unfamiliar to me, I feel like I have fallen into some one else's world. Some one else's life.

Today for the first time in a long time I fell back into the past. Fell into a time where all things seemed just so. Seemed... right.

I miss that feeling. The feeling where everything is perfect. Even if things really weren't, they just felt that way.

Do you ever wish you could change the past? Or maybe even just go back into it and live it all over again. Just that very chapter in time.

What happened? Why was this happiness taken from me? It all seemed to happen so quickly. So quickly that I can't even remember who or what robbed me of it, or why it abandoned me.

I personally think I have been doing very well with just, living with what I have. Making the best of things. Trying to find the light in the darkness, and the joy in sorrow.

It's hard sometimes. Those days where everything just seems worthless. Where you begin to wonder why work for something so hard when in the end it wouldn't matter. It's almost ironic.

I'll probably read back upon this post and wonder what went through my head, but at this moment in time, it makes perfect sense. At this moment in time, the only thing that makes sense.

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: blank
current music: silence

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
9:00 pm - Thing that totally freaked me the fuck out




Libra - Your Love Profile


Your positive traits:



You are open minded enough to date outside your typical "type" ... successfully!

You are diplomatic - and likely to end a fight instead of dragging things out.

You are easily loyal and faithful, but only for the right person.



Your negative traits:



You're a bit gullible, and partners take advantage of you. You still may not know it.

You find it difficult to decide where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, who to date...

You have to be in a relationship, or else you just don't feel like yourself.



Your ideal partner:



A smooth talker who enjoys socializing as much as you to.

Someone classy and cultured who knows which wine to order with dinner.

Is beautiful to you - although not necessarily attractive in the traditional sense.



Your dating style:



Romantic. If your date comes bearing flowers, wine, and poetry... well, your heart soars.



Your seduction style:



Giving. Your lover's pleasure is as important as your own.

Soft and sensual - you don't like anything to be rough.

Extravagant ... your fantasy involves staying at a five star hotel with your love.



Tips for the future:



Don't be so quick to compromise in relationships - and you'll get taken advantage of yes.

Try being single for a while. Seems impossible, but you'll learn so much about yourself from doing so.

Make some decisions about your romantic life, right now. You'll be happy that you did.



Best place to meet someone online:



Platinum Romance - the best place to meet other singles who love romance as much as you do



Best color to attract mate: Green



Best day for a date: Wednesday



Get your free love profile at Blogthings.


current mood: weird
current music: The Ramones-I don't wanna grow up

(comment on this)

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
6:47 pm - Long time no update....fuck I just remembered why
Where do I begin? I'm not sure... So much has happened and yet at the same time I don't really have much to tell about it.

Well I guess I'll just start with topics or subjects or whatever the fuck you want to call them and see what happens.

BAND

Well this is going fairly well at the same time it sucks my left nut! We are getting better in talent yet we are still lacking in motivational shit. You know.. The will to actually get off our asses and schedule a show or even talk about one.We have gotten alot heavier than we used to be and everyone seems to like that. But then again, I don't know, our songs are just repetative (or however you spell that). They are all the same. It's my fault for the most part. The only thing I seem to be able to write about lately is THE FUCKING L WORD!! *whispers* LOVE. I mean I have written so many different aspects of LOVE. The good, the bad, the unseen, whatever. I just can't seem to find the inspiration about anything else. Well, at least not that I'd show to my band. I kind of want to start a side project. With who, what, or where I don't know but yeah.

LOVE

HAHAHAHAHA This subject is funny. I don't know. I am with Sidney right now. My first girlfriend. It's strange and awesome all at the same time but I don't know, something is missing like usual. I am having a wonderful time with her and she makes me happy I just.. I just.. don't know. something is missing. That's all I know, I can't figure out what it is, or how I can get it. *shrugs* Guess I'm fucked! :) It seems like every person I meet there is some strings attached. I can't just be happy, I have to piss someone off, hurt someone, or hurt myself for there to be any kind of happiness in anyone. There is no winning in my relationships these days. I am either alone and hurt or someone else is because of me. God, fuck that... I remember when things were good, simple, and almost.. dream like. Back when people were jealous of what I had. When people desired for what I had. When people even tried to take it from me but couldnt' because we were so strong. ----- all gone...........

FRIENDS

Well this subject is um.. unusual. I have made some new close friends whom I love and adore. I don't know, I just.. BLAH. I feel like I shouldn't be good friends with them, like I'm violating something. It's crazy. Oh well... Sidney and James are best friends. I wouldn't give them up for the world. I just.. I don't know. I miss some of my old friends. Marianna and I used to be good friends but then, I dont' know what the fuck happened there. *shrugs* Who the fuck knows. Tom has become a close friend of mine and as much as I love it, once again I feel like I am violating some trust, like with Marianna. I mean I know we are just friends and all but still, I wouldn't want to fuck anything else up. I seem to be good at that lately. Fucking peoples friendships up including my own. I have some hidden talent for turning people against eachother then in the end they become the best of friends and hate me. *shrugs* I don't know why or how the fuck this happens but so far it's happened *ponders this* well let's just say TOO MANY times.


STUFF I'VE DONE

Well I went to bear lake with Tom, Matt, Jill, The Codys', Mike, and Steph. It was way fun. We went boating, and swimming! I hate swimming suits so I intentionally didn't bring mine. When it came time to swim I didn't plan on swimming but everyone was so I thought oh god why not?! I did something I haven't been able to do in forever. Just be me, be wild, fun, and crazy! I swam in my clothes!!!! I even went tubing behind the boat in my clothes! It was wonderful! LoL I laughed at stupid things, I had deep conversations, and even didn't have to wear any make-up all fucking weekend! It was wonderful! LoL Thank you Tom for inviting me, even though I kept you up all night! (sorry about that).

I hung out with Skyler, Nick, and Sidney a little while ago. It was nice to seem them again. We were just like we used to be. Dumb as fuck! LoL We just played around, and did nothing really but I had a blast anyways. That was crazy! *giggles* I felt for that short time that nothing had ever happened between us and all was well. *shrugs* Back to reality though! LoL

I pierced my lip/libre whatever the fuck you want to call it!

I dyed a streak of my hair black like the new guitarist of KiTTie Lisa.

My boobs grew!! LoL I used to be a 34 B but then my parents took me to Victoria Secret to get a new bra and the measured me... 36 fucking D!!!! I was scared! I don't want to be that big! It's disgusting! So I refused to buy a 36 D bra! Now I am here with my brand new 36 C and it makes me happy! *giggles* They look nice in the C bra! PERKY, BIG, and FITTING MY BODY. Too bad no one else likes them!!! LoL

I have a job. I work at Midvale Mining Cafe. I am a hostess. *giggles* I only work every other sunday though. Two fucking times a month.. *shakes head* But I got offered a thursday so hopefully I'll get that. Then I'll be working every Thursday/every other Sunday :) YAY more money!!!!!

Well I guess that's it for now! To sum everything up...

I am not miserable, I am not completely happy. I guess I am content for now. *shrugs* It's better than nothing! :)

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: content
current music: Lacuna Coil-Heavens a Lie

(comment on this)

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
12:30 am - "Once the threads of fate are tangled, they cannot be undone"....Like you tried.
*pulls out hair* *screams* AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! :-/

Why is it that now out of all times now has to be the time where I go through like fucking withdrawls! Like an addiction to a drug!

I think of you and my heart shatters over and over again breaking my soul into smaller pieces each time. The smaller pieces my heart breaks into the harder it is to put the pieces of my shattered heart back together. Yet everytime I seem to become whole with out you, you some how shatter my heart once more.

"Why can't I forget you, like you have forgotten me.
Be like you and throw away, everything we could be.
Why does the feeling love, have to be so unfair.
When your just fine, I live in a dark despair."

---L.O.V.E. -EsCape VeLocity-Haley Grow Copyright 2004

Blah I end up writing more later.. blah

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: confused

(comment on this)

Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
3:16 pm - Camping
WEll for memorial weekend I went camping. I hate camping, bugs, dirt, cold, etc. BLAH Suprisingly I had tonz of fun. I think it was because I was wasted more than half the time though. Yeah four days of being wasted LoL YAY! *giggles* Well that was all great except for the sunburn on my poor lil cheeks and nosey! :(

This is all I feel like typing for now though so laterz! :)

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: happy

(comment on this)

Thursday, May 27th, 2004
3:28 am - *evil laughs* Blame it on your god
"It is our destiny, our fate, but to my regret our destinys, our future, does not exist as one, but as two seperate paths. We both have to follow our own path, even if it means being apart from one another."

A great excuse...

I see no destiny or fate in your future. Fate and Destiny have abandoned you. They are just silly mortal ideals. They are made up concepts to give mortals something to believe in.To believe that somethings are meant to be or supposed to happen. You've been lied to my friend. And how amusing it is.

Why do you belive in the lie?To believe that someone or something is actually looking over you? One lie, the one lie all you foolish mortals follow blindly. Whom you so lovingly call GOD.

"We no longer have eachother, you don't love me, you don't need me, but at least you have your god. In the end.. what is there for me?"

A piece of my fucking mind!Copyrighted:2004 Haley Grow

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: thoughtful
current music: none

(comment on this)

Monday, May 24th, 2004
5:56 am - hm...
Well this weekend was okay/awesome.

On Thursday I got incredibly sick (like always) *shakes fist at my weak immune system* Damn you! I was puking so hard all night and all day! BLAH! SCREW THAT! LoL

On Friday I slept over at my friend's house named SiD LiCious! Her B-day party was the next day and a whole bunch of other girls slept over to. It was so much fun! We just ate, goofed off, and stayed up late. The normal girl sleep over LoL! It was TONZ of fun though!

On Saturday I had the worst day! I felt like shit because my friends Lisa seemed so sad! I hate when I can't help out my friends! It makes me feel like a shitty friend. I tried my hardest though and hopefully I was of some use. Then following that was a whole day of stress trying to do everything on time before the party started. I wanted SiD's B-day to be good, but BLAH! LoL We ran late.. *giggles* OH well, it was her b-day and she can do whatever she wants then! LoL It was way fun though! Well, for the most part. Once agian I didn't feel to well, but I wanted to be there for my friend's b-day ya know? Well the party was a blast but the night didn't end there.

I slept over at my friend Brandon's that night for the first time w/ out James. It was just Brandon,Chase, and me. It was psycho! It felt weird and not so weird all at the same time! We had a good time just talking and goofing off! I made Brandon stay up with me though! LoL! He was nice enough to wait intill I fell asleep! *cute sigh* AW! LMFAO! No, no though it was way nice of him! :)

This morning we went and got my Kikyo KiTTie fixed! She came home so mad at me! I'm sorry Kikyo!!!

After that I went back to James' house and slept! My sleeping habits are getting worse though. I only sleep for two-three hours now. I can't sleep longer than that so I just have to lay there. BLAH I don't think this is a good thing..

Well after that James, Brandon, James' mom, James' little sis, and me all went out to eat.

AFTER THAT LoL We decided to go rent a movie. We rented Princess Mononoke, um.. some Wes Craven movie but not FReDDY!, and Friday the 13th II, <-- that was dumb. LoL

And here I am now.. at almost 6'o' clock in the fucking morning and still haven't slept a bit. BLAH I just answered my MY SPACE shit and e-mail, then tried to watch TV, then layed around for a bit, now I'm here. Fun isn't it? *giggles*

I dont' know what's going on in the fucking boy world. I give up. I don't want a relationship with ANYONE! BLAH It's just easier! :)

I think Skyler hates me ...
I think James is mad at me because I don't want a relationship
And everyone else can go to hell. LMFAO! Nah, everyone is alright! I'm just saying that! :)

Well I think I have typed enough for 6 am. So

buh-bye! :)

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: awake
current music: DOOT DA DOO AND FUCK YOU!

(comment on this)

Thursday, May 20th, 2004
1:38 pm - woah...
I just moments ago had by far the weirdest and just weirdest LoL sexual ecounter by myself! LoL YAY

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: horny
current music: Scarling-the last day i was happy

(comment on this)

4:43 am - Do you ever?!
Do you ever cry and just feel the sickness of your unbareble pain slide slowly down from your tears, into your mouth, down the back of your throat cutting slowly and deeply like a razor blade being swallowed, down to your stomach where it stops and eats away your insides?

Yea, didn't think so...

I am sick of stupid little "suicidal" people...

Yea there about as suicidal as a fucking piece of dental floss and a plastic spoon! LoL

Todays suicide kit:

If your going to hang yourself be sure to use dental floss...

If your going to slit your wrists I'll hand you the fucking McDonalds plastic knife that you can't even cut your fucking pancakes with!

If you wish to over dose be sure to take only 8 advil so it only looks like ya did! ;) LoL

God.. if your going to kill yourself just do it and save everyone else alot of trouble! :)

"Oh my god I cut myself!!! I have a whole little fucking scratch on my arm that's not even bleeding! I need therapy now!! "

It's the cool fucking thing to do now right?! Your not in the "in crowd" unless you've been to a fucking psychward!!! LoL

God, since when did mental sicknesses become such a god damn fucking trend!!!!

Same thing with being bi-sexual!!! I swear to fucking god that people just do it because it's supposed to be more appealing to the opposite sex!!

These things are not fucking clothes or a new toy!!! They shouldn't be the newest fucking fad!!! God, go fuck yourself!

BLAH!!!!!

Do you ever cry and just feel the sickness of your unbareble pain slide slowly down from your tears, into your mouth, down the back of your throat cutting slowly and deeply like a razor blade being swallowed, down to your stomach where it stops and eats away your insides?

Yea, didn't think so...

Intill you have felt true pain, shut the fuck up!

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: bitchy
current music: FUCK YOU ALL!

(comment on this)

Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
3:43 am - doot da doo
long time no update.. well kind of! LoL

I dunno.. blah still feel the same but oh well..

3 days ago it's been two years since I was "de-flowered" LoL good times, good times..

*pukes*

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: sick
current music: Scarling-Alexander the burn victim

(comment on this)

Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
3:29 am - Everyone wants what they can't have...
I'm not explaing that subject, and I wouldn't try to guess what it's about either because I have some sick feeling you'll get it all wrong! LMAO!

Can't
(Halloween Valentine)

Halloween Valentine
Only take what was mine
Hitler heart cigarette
Am I safe here.... I forget

No, I'm not this crazy
And I can't have fun
Makes me feel like nothing
Am I just that dumb
No, you're not so crazy
Does this feel like fun
If you can't feel something then you're just that dumb

Bloody nose on white dress
Vanilla girl is in distress
Sullen son humid sky
Feel so sick I don't why

No, I'm not this crazy
And I can't have fun
Makes me feel like nothing
Am I just that dumb
No, you're not so crazy
Does this feel like fun
If you can't feel something then you're just that dumb

Far away
I escape
Hold me close
and I break

Let me break
Watch break

No, I'm not this crazy
And I can't have fun
Makes me feel like nothing
Am I just that dumb
No, you're not so crazy
Does this feel like fun
If you can't feel something then you're just that dumb

Can't you understand me
Can't you understand
Can't you understand me
Can't you understand
Can't you understand me
Can't you understand
Why can't you understand

----Scarling-Can't...



"Thinking about the people who've been so unkind. If looks could kill them, I might make myself blind. Startled by the reasons that I just can't find."

---Scarling-Band Aid Covers the Bullet Hole

I don't know anymore.. I am happy only for a day or two at a time.. then it's back to being... well this.. whatever the fuck it is.


I look in the mirror.. I see my long straight blonde hair slightly covering half of my face. My hazelish eyes looking at what I've become. The longer I look in the mirror the more disgusted I become. Hating my self image more with every glance.

I look upon the mirror naked... my true-self.. no clothes hiding who I am, and I loathe what I see. The hour-glass shape of my body which I see to be unfit for todays standards. The pale white of my skin, revealing every flaw. My blonde hair cascades little more than half down my back. I look at that and think how it should be different. Maybe a different color or longer or shorter. Just prettier in someway. If I take a deep look at my face I think my eyes are too big for my head, my lips aren't full enough,my smile crooked, and my nose looks like I'd drown in a rain storm if I ever went out in one. I look at myself wondering, if I hate myself so much, I wonder what others think. They couldn't possibly think any different then I. I have come to the conclusion this is probably why alot of the past has happened.

I told someone not to regret things because it only hurts you. Just to make the present better. I have tried this and so far... It's gotten a little better. But only my surroundings. Not me in particular.

*sighs*

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: jealous
current music: none

(comment on this)

Monday, May 10th, 2004
1:55 am - L.O.V.E.
This is the song I wrote. Commentary is allowed and welcomed if it is constructive. Please note that this isn't one of my best songs, it was just written completely out of emotion and the want of getting it all out of me someway. Well actually if you don't like go fuck yourself because I do! LMAO!

>>---L.O.V.E-->


(intro dialogue)

Funny how the past is never truely the past.
I run from it, far away, to a place where the pain of the memories does not exist.
For awhile the pain is supressed, life goes on, and all seems long forgotten.
I even begin to think that time, as promised, has healed the bloody, painful wounds
that never seem to stop bleeding.
Instead of pain, in it's place a scar that serves only as a reminder of what was.
I run from the past thinking eventually it will ceast to exist.
I was wrong.... So very very wrong.

Verse 1

Only in memory did you exist,
the pain of remembering too much.
I had thrown away the memory,
of your kiss,your face, your touch.

Then out of the shadows,You arise,
the dark figure from my past.
Then once more my heart shatters,
into pieces of broken glass.


Chorus


>>--L.O.V.E-->Lust, obsession, vulgar, envy
Is this how love was meant to be?
>>--L.O.V.E-->Lust, obsession, vulgar, envy
This is all love has been to me.


Verse 2

Why can't I forget you,
like you have forgotten me?
Be like you and throw away,
everything we could be.

Why does the feeling love,
have to be so unfair?
When you are just fine,
I live in a dark despair.

Chorus


Verse 3

Do you pretend to love me,
to torture my soul?
Do you lie to me
to be in control?

What is it,
that goes through your head?
Why do I love you still,
after all the tears I've shed.

Chorus



(outro dialogue)

Do I exist to you only as a shadow?
Only present when the sun is high but when it sets I disappear.
I have hidden from you for so long, and yet you find me.
You find me and make me believe once more that all that was
still is. That the love we shared was real even though tainted.
And for that moment my heart stops and I die, then I breath again,
coming to life once more. Once I believe the lies you speak so sweetly,
you disappear again as though we never were.

>>---L.O.V.E--> Lust,Obsession, Vulgar, Envy

This is all you were to me...

This is all you were...


Copyright:Haley Grow-EsCape VeLocity

by: ME!

And yep!

LMAO

Well my parents are leaving to Cali on Wednesday, so hopefully I will be able to do whatever the hell I want! LoL Nah, I'm just kidding but it would be cool! *giggles*

Well all is uh.. well LoL! Well better than it's been in awhile. :)

"No I'm not this crazy,
and I can't have fun.
Makes me feel like nothing,
am I just that dumb?
No your not so crazy,
does this feel like fun?
If you can't feel something,
then your just that dumb."

----Scarling-Can't...

current mood: content
current music: Scarling-Can't...

(comment on this)

Sunday, May 9th, 2004
2:49 am - doot da doo
Okay well, I'm done! LoL! I'm over being sad and shit. It was a waste of time anyways. LoL


I haven't had a grand weekend but it hasn't been half bad. I've had fun with my friends and shit and yea.

James, Marianna, and I all wrote this bad ass song!!! It's like all done minus the drums and just the small little details that make a song great!

I had writers block for forever!! Go figure the lyrics are just pouring right out of me now!! LoL!

I can't wait till we get these next two songs done!! It's going to be awesome for our next show whenever that is! *giggles*

Well the only really DRAMA thing happening at this point is just with my parents, and what's new? LoL

Well sick of typing

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: relaxed
current music: L.O.V.E.-EsCape VeLocity

(comment on this)

Thursday, May 6th, 2004
12:47 am - I don't understand you...
*cries*

Fuck

Okay, why is it being a baby if I cry over some one who I have loved for two years?

Why am I being a bitch if I am hurt over something as painful as this?


I don't understand you.. I never will.. it doesn't matter anymore... I don't have to... Your gone.

.:haLey:. XoXoX

(comment on this)

Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
1:49 pm - You know what...fuck it!
God, as if this week hasn't been bad enough! I don't know... Maybe the is just temporary and all but god! Fuck my band! I feel like we aren't even friends anymore, were are just a band. We only see eachother at practice, which we suck at, then we leave and that's it.

We are writing a new song, I am trying my very fucking hardest to make it cool without sounding all the fucking same, but obviously I'm not doing a very good job. I have tried numerous melodies, numerous lyrics, and nothing fits. The guitar sounds like the vocals would be really heavy, but I don't have a heavy voice! I finally found some lyrics that work beautifully with the song. I just say the verse and sing the chorus. Everyone fucking loves the verse(yea when I'm talking), but they say the chorus is dull. Well, that's what we have a back up vocalist for!!! To make it more interesting! I can't sing two different melodies at the same time by myself! GOD! When I ask for suggestions by band memebers tell me "We're not singers, why are you asking us? We just play the drums and guitar!!!" I thought everyone had a say in everything but I guess not! So I guess I'll just stick to my vocals. If they don't fucking like them! Tough shit! They're not singers! LMFAO! Bands are supposed to work as a unit, you know, everyone has a certain amount of say in everything. It's just supposed to be kind of dream like how song writings supposed to happen! You can't force it! I don't know BLAH! FUCK

Yea, but even Marianna's gotten weird. I only see her at shows or now I guess at practices. Yea, best friend my ass. She's always with Tom so I guess she doesn't have time to hang out with me. Oh well... I sometimes think, she thinks she's better then me in some way. I'm not just talking musically. *shrugs* I think this is just a bad day and I'm seeing everything negatively but *shrugs* who the fuck knows!

I don't know just everyone I consider my friend right now minus maybe three of them, I think aren't really my friend? I think this is just a negative day though, I'll think differently tomorrow. God, I hate feeling all paranoid and shit. *pukes*

All I know is fuck them! I have some bad ass lyrics in the works! Who gives a fuck if they don't like them! I don't have to use them for them. They can write and sing their own damn lyrics! LMFAO!

.:haLey:. XoXoX

P.S. All I know is I don't want to be another Evanescence or KiTTie. I want to be our own thing.

current mood: bitchy
current music: my fucking KaZaa won't work

(comment on this)

Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
4:58 pm - something funny lisa said
"The most important thing in a relationship is trust and communication. You trust your sex partner he wont get you pregnant while you communicate in bed. "
-Lisa

current mood: amused

(comment on this)

4:10 pm - How do you talk to someone you love, who doesn't love you?
Eh... I am so unsure of my feelings at this point... After that conversation, my perspective on somethings have changed greatly. I am not exactly sure how to explain myself either.

What good does love do if it's not returned? So far it's only caused me grief. Where's the good in that?

I don't know, I try to talk to him. But I can think of anything to say, and so far, it seems like he doesn't have anything to say either. So what does that mean? Does that mean that we were only talking because we were both under the false accusation that we were in love? That the false hope was the only thing that kept "us" alive? *shrugs* maybe.. *sighs*

I don't know but then again... eh..

L-lust
O-obsessive
V-vulgar
E-envious

Is this what love really is?

I am begining to think so..

current mood: hurt
current music: KiTTie-Charolette

(comment on this)

Monday, May 3rd, 2004
2:13 am - The hardest conversation for a broken heart.
Everythings done now.. everythings gone...

there is no more between us...

so why hope or think of it?

I wrote a song...



It's not very good... but it made me feel a hell of alot better...


"One sided love story"



Why do I want someone, who doesn't want me?
Why am I the only one, that see's what we could be?
Why is my heart dead, when yours is beating strong?
Why am I the only one, that see's something is wrong?

Without you I hurt myself, to see if I still bleed
My only hope that someday, you would hear my plead.
Without you I know, the pain has just begun
Fuck you for what you did, fuck me for what I've done


If I had just one wish, I'd give you all my pain
If I had just one wish, I'd wish you felt the same
If I had just one wish, I'd wish that you could see
If I had just one wish, I'd wish that you loved me

without you I hurt myself, to see if I still feel
I only begin to learn, that none of it was real
without you,I am heartless, souless,mindless,numb
Fuck you for who you are, fuck me for what I've become

What made you think, you could do this to me
what made you think, that no one would see
what made you think, that I couldn't feel
what made you think, that eventually I'd heal

Without you I hurt myself, seeing who you are revealed
Only knowing now, that everything with you was unreal
Without you, all I have felt is my heart slowly break
Fuck me for loving you, fuck you for your love being fake.

Copyright:Haley Grow-EsCape VeLocity 2004


I don't really know what to say..

I can't stop crying but for fucking what?

fuck this..

I told you the song wasn't good but it wasn't supposed to be so fuck you all..

current mood: blank
current music: KiTTie-Get off

(comment on this)

Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
7:52 pm - I run from it and yet it follows me...
Funny how the past is never truly THE PAST. I run from it, far away, to a place where all the pain of the memories do not exist. For awhile the pain leaves, life goes on, and all seems long forgotten. I even begin to think that time, as promised, has healed the bloody, painful, wounds that never seem to stop bleeding. Instead of pain, in it's place a scar that serves only as a reminder of what was. I run from the past, thinking eventually it will ceast to exist. I was wrong...So very very wrong.

I have a MY SPACE account. I like it, I meet lots of friends there. I met one amazing friend just the other day. Her name was Libby. Now we have to move on from that but I promise you she'll come into play later in my story.

Well as planned I went to Queer Prom. I had an amazing time! It was way more fun then expected! Just way awesome! I even got to know some new people better and they are way awesome to. We were dancing just having a great time when out of the blue this beautiful girl comes up to me and says "Haley?, Hi, I don't know if you know who I am, but I'm Libby from MY SPACE" I was like " Oh wow! Hi! What are you doing here?" She said " OH I am here with my girlfriend" The we did the whole intro thing and blah. It was so crazy to just meet someone off the internet I have known for maybe a day, in real life. I mean what are the chances of that? Well not thinking really anything else except that was crazy and cool I just made the rest of my night awesome then went home.

Well the next day I wake-up, help around the house, etc. Then decide I haven't been to my REAL home in awhile. So I decide to go there. I get home, get on the computer as usual, none of this is new. Then get on and see Libby online! I talk to her for a bit, having a great conversation, and I am just thinking wow, this girl is awesome! Well we get talking some more and I don't remember exactly how it came up but out of no where she asked me an odd question. " Oh my god, are you Skyler's Haley?" I was like "WHAT?" How do you know that? LoL She told me her and her friend had met Skyler in a chat room one day and they were just internet buddies. How strange is that? Out of the millions of people on the internet I just so happen to find someone who knew who I was even before I knew them. She knew me as "Skyler's Haley" about a year and a half or so ago but yeah. It was weird.

I dont know, it just struck a nerve. Something I have realized about him is that, as much as I want it to happen, He and I will never be again. I don't know. This isn't the first time another girl has come into the picture then he leaves my life and stops talking to me. This girl seems different though. *shrugs* OH well I guess. Alls fair in love and war. The only problem is, I think I am the only one still in love when it goes for what's between me and him.

I have cried so much over him and for what? *shrugs* I don't know I thought you could tell me. I think I cry because I know the truth and I just don't want to except it. I make excuses for him because I love him. I never get a phone call from him, and so I call him. My excuse for that is because he is busy. When I call him he says he'll call me back, but he never does. My excuse for that is because he has alot on his mind. He used to IM me every once inawhile, but we wouldn't really talk about anything. It would be me just going on and on about the stupidest things, basically me talking to myself. My excuse for that, maybe he was doing something else online that was really important. Well I know that was talking to JEN probably. *shrugS* But hey, I don't really know. I am just assuming. Why do we make excuses for the ones we love? If it was anyone else would I have stayed around for so long? If it was anyone else would I have put up with this one sided friendship or whatever the fuck you want to call it? *shrugs*

I don't think he'd really care if I just told him I don't want anything to do with him anymore. Not a whole lot would change really. LoL Why can't I just forget him like he's forgotten me? That was stupid, I know why... *sighs*

I don't know what to do...

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: sad
current music: Taproot-NOW

(comment on this)

Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
3:50 pm - new journal!
Hello everyone! I got a new blurty! I had an old one but I hated it so I changed to a new one! I am sure only one person reads this (james) but that's okay! :) Well nothing really new is going on just Christmas eve! I'm just chilln' and what not! LoL! My head kinda hurts and I don't feel good! *sighs**shrugs* eh, what can you do? *giggles* I am talking on the phone to james right now and that's about it... yeppers... well I'll update more later!

.:haLey:. XoXoX

current mood: giggly
current music: none

(4 comments | comment on this)


> previous 20 entries
> top of page
Blurty.com