Spooky's journal

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Friday, July 4th, 2003
8:52 pm - white|noise
[for you]

Pluck stars from the skies,
crush them to dust
to scatter. Ritualistic

viewpoint. We make
our own beautie with
blinded eyes. Addictions.

Shake reality from the skin.
Bury in intrigue and
dark. Autumn nights.

Smash pumpkins, chase ghosts.
Adore celestial. Hold the
moon as [safe].



current mood: fiending
Comments: sell your soul.
Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
12:32 pm - abstract
i had nearly forgotten about this journal. eh. FOD is being a whore again, so i've been writing on LJ (and putting most of my stuff on 'friends only' or private). i think i stay with FOD for two reasons; one, i've been there so long and i don't want to leave my friends there. Two, the moon poets.

So much is going on these days. i don't talk about it much to many people anymore. Just Jon and Matt and Chad. i've come to trust matt as much as the other two; he understands in ways i never imagined anyone could understand. i adore him.

Baby girl is seven months old now. She's scooting all over and, though she's not crawling on her hands and kness yet, she can pull herself up from her tummy to her feet (when holding onto soemthing). She's also talking: says "dada" (but only when she's mad) and "hi" and "mama" and "baba". She's adorable, yesyes. i love her so much.

Jon says my alters have been coming out a lot lately. The switching had calmed down a bit, but started again when He showed up. He [Jon] said the other night, when i were co.experiencing (sharing) with one of the alters, i made a list. he said i told him 'twas a list of the only people i lieked that night. *laugh* He said it had four names on it. Then gavie said soemthing or other to me so i marked his name off.. *laughs again* i don't remember that. eh, what can i say. i'm odd.

Aiden is beautiful. yesyes. Cemetary photographer, artist, dark gothy.type boi. he wants to take my pics but i'm a camera shy Spook. heh. i really don't liek to have my pics taken, because of all that past shite with brad (the sexeh psycho ex) and his friends. Apparently Gabriel let him take soem of him, though.

i miss Bobby. More than i've cared to admit. he's in my head so often now.
double bleh.

i'm going to adore my beautiful baby girl now. i'll try to write here more and not forget this journal exists. heh.


current mood: caffinated
current music: echo & the bunnymen: the.killing.moon
Comments: sell your soul.
Saturday, March 15th, 2003
9:37 pm - [return.of.moon]
Stellar skies, moon.borne visions
Autumn memory and graveyard longings
Taste the stars, perfection.

Cemetary traipsing, broken angels.
Smashed pumpkins and burning leaves.
Soul haunts souls, intrigue.

Trace the frost, tongue.burn
asphyxiate me in this dark
chase the moon with me, my angels.

slave to moon.fiend.for.abuse
defy the stars,



current mood: energetic
current music: garbage: crush

Comments: 2 souls - sell your soul.
Sunday, February 16th, 2003
7:41 pm - |brother|
[mood: contemplative.]
[status: fiending.]
[tune: dead.can.dance]

Dark are the visions that take away safety
too many nights alone in these hells
Everything sought was hollow and empty
Broken ghost trapped in small rooms of fear.

One thousand memories a second do beckon
entice me to play in these shadows again
Abusing the moon with these intentions
this empty haven retreat cannot keep me safe.

[Circumstance, fate. This ghostwalk was cemented
by lies, by pain, sex, closets and hate..]



Comments: 7 souls - sell your soul.
12:42 am - {soemthing lost along the way}
My Beloved has a journal here. yay. *pets him* He's a good Jon.. *grin* So go show him love. yesyes.

K says i don't need the moon. heh..i thought he, of all people, would understand.. Once upon a time he would have. Once upon a time we were so phucking connected. We knew each other so well. Now.. sigh.. now we're just..not. Soemhow we lost that connection. He's changed so much. But then i guess i have too. i dunno. He thinks we're not connected anymore because he's not the dark person he used to be, and i can't "feed" off his 'dark, hurting feelings'. *blinks*

i know this has a lot to do with me, because i don't write and shite liek i used to. but tisn't all me. he's so different. i mean completely. and that's not a bad thing. The old K could be pretty cruel. but soemwhere in that change, we lost what connected us. Maybe he's right, maybe i do need that darkness that was in him. i don't know. i just.. i don't know. he doesn't understand me anymore, and i don't "feel" him anymore.

i miss him. i miss what we once had. Once upon a time i would have (and almost did, except for my 'issues' and fears stopping me) dropped everything for him. i was so phucking close to going to Cali for him, and leaving behind everything and everyone i knew. The only thing that stopped me was realizing i couldn't leave Jon behind. We stood up for one another, we protected one another, and we were always always there on soem levels for one another.

i went through 'the deaths' with him. i died when he did (don't ask. long phucking, confusing stori), we were so phucking close. i loved him, and 'twas soemthing beyond anything i ever felt for anyone, with the exception of Jon. 'Twas a different sort of love. I would have phucking died for this boi. i would have phucking sliced my wrists for this boi, had he said the word. And once upon a time, i almost did just that (as i said, he used to have moments when he were cruel and evil). He said the word, and i almost did just that. Yes, he were phucking cruel at times. Yes, he broke my heart and my souls liek noone else has. But through all that shite and more, we were always there for one another. We always worked through it. We were always connected.

Now that's gone.

K and i were phucking soulmates on soem levels. We understood one another -and were connected to one another- on levels noone else could see or comprehend. how can soemthing liek that die?


VENT: You should apologize to me, i think.
Spook: should i? okie. i apologize
VENT: Do you think you should?
VENT: You are turning into some one I do not know.
Spook: i just did. and how am i turning into soemone you don't know?
VENT: Well you seem to be a stranger these days. And you just are, and you done it yourself, and I do not care at this point, but just to let you know.
Spook: why, keith? why am i a stranger?
Spook: because i'm not the lunatic i used to be? heh
VENT: Did I say that? You know what, thats it, last strw with you, i mean it.
Spook: i don't understand you
Spook: i mean.. eh.. hmm. i dunno
Spook: you're not the person you used to be either, y'know
VENT: Your right, we have no business speaking.
Spook: i didn't say that
VENT: I can easily be who I used to be, but I thought i betterd myself. Maybe not.. i'll have to reconsider who i am now, and who i was 2 years previously.
Spook: no no, that's not what i meant. i know you have. but i'm trying to do the same, y'know? i don't want to be what i used to be, because that person was/is all phucked up. i'm sorry if i've changed.
Spook: i..don't know..
VENT: There is nothing wrong with change. If its for the better, and I believe in both our cases its for the better, so what is the deal?!
VENT: Why am i an asshole who changed and you dont wanna even fuck with me
Spook: i didn't say that!
VENT: Well fuck it then and fuck off.
Spook: i never called you an asshole and i never said i didn't wanna phuck with you
VENT: Thats what you want isent it?
Spook: no
Spook: no tisn't
VENT: Well you figure it out im not wasting my time with it as you arent wasting your time with me.
Spook: *blinks* is that what you really think?
VENT: Ab-so-lute-ly!
Spook: i mean c'mon keith, don't hold back. gee. i'm sorry i don't email and stuff liek i used to. i really am. i just.. i don't know. i don't email anyone anymore
Spook: and i'm not trying to avoid you or anything. 'tisn't that i "don't wanna phuck with you", as you put it.
VENT: And you know what that tells me? Our whole damn relationship (friendship) was based on chatting, and E-mails thats it, there is no other link between you and myself. You ..YOU cut that off, you cut me out of it, and cut our friendship off, so do both of us a favor, and keep it that way.
VENT: Yep.
Spook: yea, well, there used to be a link other than that.
VENT: What do you want from me terry? To tell you I wanna lay you down in some field some where and suck the life out of you? I can do that.
VENT: Is that what you want? My darker side to come out and run me?
Spook: no
VENT: You love Christian and admire his hate? You want me to always talk and revolve my life around taking boys out fucking them and drinking from them? I dont need to talk about that shit anymore, you know my status, you know what I do, and what ive done, i dont need to tell you about it every mother fucking day!!!!
Spook: no, i don't love Christian. i'm sure the feeling's mutual, because he sure as phuck didn't love me. i never asked you to tell me about that. ever. i never said you needed to talk about it now. i accept the light with the dark, y'know
VENT: No, no because when I began to change, to this better loving person, Ive always ben loving anyways, i just used to do bad things. When i was active in that group I could do what i want, it ran me it was me. Mike he never got out of it, that was a lie, that i didnt even know about. And I still dont know why, and you kow what?? I dont give a fuck, not one damn fuck about it.
Spook: i know you don't. i'm not saying you should. i encouraged you to get out of that shite, in case you've forgotten
VENT: And now that I am, and i dont talk about going out and fucking young dudes, and drinking blood from cute guys, and slutting around, my lifes a bore, its boring to you. I have very little dark things in my life, some i will never get rid of because they are me. I cant help that..im sorry, but wanna know what? I dont wanna get back into that shit... not for you, not for Mike, not for anyone, no one NO FUCKING BODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY now leave me the fuck alone you dont know the fucking half of it
Spook: when the phuck did i EVER say you were boring because you don't do that stuff anymore? When the phuck did i EVER say that's the only reason we were connected? When the phuck did i EVER say i wanted you to get back into that shite?
VENT: You didnt have to say it, you didnt say it, get my point, because we dont write, and we dont talk, and you are stressing me out. Keiths life sux, its a bore, hes a bore theres no action in him, 'he dont threaten me like he used to, whatta bore'.. get it? You stopped writting me when my life became "boring" beause im a good boy now... There is not drama here. So you found some other guys. I hope it meets your needs to feed off of hurting, dark people. You wont find it here


sigh. how could we lose soemthing that was once so phucking strong? i feel nothing. i feel empty.

Do i really need him to be the 'dark' person he was, in order to feel that connection? i don't know anymore. i don't know. he's not who he used to be.

i miss him. i miss the K i knew.



[mood: edgy.]
[status: numb]
[tunes: coal.chamber:friend?]
Comments: 1 soul - sell your soul.
12:41 am - empty|dark
[just.ramblings. chaotic energies. i need the moon]

Cold in this night and this empty pain.
The moon has fallen and the stars are silent.
Disillusioned and weary, this nightmare's forever
when ghosts won't stay buried and safe is a lie.

Silent in this dark, where empty ghosts lurk.
Drowning in the moon and pains untold.
Where in this abuse does salvation lie?
Damage within where dead memories roam.

In darkest tragedy i see this reflection
haunted and fearful of what lies beneath
blind are mine eyes, troubled these visions
When cemetary dreams have fallen away.


my demons are silent. let me take yours..

current mood: fiending for the moon
current music: coal.chamber:rowboat
Comments: sell your soul.
Friday, February 14th, 2003
11:17 pm - .salvation.

[mood: adore.]
[status: craving.]
[tunes: koRn:my.gift.to.you]

Circumstance brought us together
bound by pain, by shadow, by love
beneath the black you hold me
my souls bear your name, your passion.

Autumn frost, smashed pumpkins.
Madlove, you're my obsession.
I love you in ways that could kill us both.
Star.crossed lovers, pain, adoration.

Salvation within my perfect safe
ecclectic safety in the night
moon.borne haunts, cemetary dream
defying the stars to speak your name.


For you, my perfect safe.

current mood: adore.
Comments: 4 souls - sell your soul.
Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
11:33 pm - childe|hood

[mood: shaken.]
[status: half.drunk. bite me]
[tunes: koRn: dirty]

Soemwhere in this moonlight where
souls are lost and visions fade
i find myself oblivious
broken stars inside my head

memory and circumstance,
in dark comes abuse realization
monsters in the closets
are never silent, little childe..


Comments: 1 soul - sell your soul.
4:40 pm - winter|dies
Here we lie beneath.the.black
Autumn frost fades away.
Winter dies, the ghosts haunt
In time, everything decays.

Cemetary reckoning, safety tied in moon and night
Beyond the grasp of mortal dreams, heaven burns in pale starlight.

Trace the skin with [abuse] pain
Mark the flesh with sins and lies
Buried now beneath the leaves
where Autumn fades and winter dies.



current mood: restless
Comments: 5 souls - sell your soul.
Monday, February 10th, 2003
5:08 pm - [star.in.the.dark]


My angel. My reason for being.
My star in the darkness.


so precious
Comments: 3 souls - sell your soul.
Sunday, February 9th, 2003
11:57 pm - .silence.the.haunts.
[For You]

Sitting in the dark
[ghosts in the head]
far too many haunts
consume us tonight.

We would drown ourselves inside the moon
but the moon has fallen from the skies.

These memories are stolen
remnents of a past that shouldn't be
Tragedies. Circumstance.
Broken ghosts and broken dreams.

If only i could silence your ghosts
If only i could give you the moon
If only i could give you safe.

This is not the abuse we seek.


If wishes were stars..

current mood: sympathetic
current music: korn
Comments: sell your soul.
11:14 am - [seduce|the|dark]
[mood: sleepy.]
[status: tired.]
[tunes: white.zombie]

Steal my stars, Beloved.
Bring the darkness into me
with your touch and your love
and your control.

Lust.ridden and fiending for night.
You are my dark and my safe
and my longings.

Delicious is your Control.
These sensations. This salvation.
This could kill us both.



current mood: sleepy
current music: white.zombie
Comments: 2 souls - sell your soul.
Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
9:37 pm - [february.skies]

[mood: edgy. erratic.]
[status: static.]
[tunes: korn:alone.i.break]

Empty night. Empty sky. Empty pain.

Moonflow. energies.
nightmare tendencies.
The sky is silent
and the silence is deafening.

Bury me within the stars
i'm restless and afraid

Pale are these thoughts that bury me
inside broken dreams and abuse
darkest secret. burial chamber darkest closet
mixed are these souls inside.

wiked haunts inside roam
painful ghosts and damaged souls.


the skies are silent.

current mood: static.
current music: korn: alone.i.break
Comments: 5 souls - sell your soul.
7:23 pm
i hate this phucking shite. i really do. i hate this phucking empty kind of pain.

current mood: static.
current music: korn: alone.i.break
Monday, February 3rd, 2003
3:45 pm - .delirium.

[mood: delirious i think]
[status: approaching meltdown (aka phucking tired)]
[tunes: korn: beat.it.upright]

i'm going to beat my brother with a ballbat soemday, just on principle.

Speaking of teachers.. i were talking with soemone the other day whom reminded me of the teacher. i had dual feelings about this: one part of me were screaming "run away! run away very fast damnit.." and another part were, well, kinda attracted.. eh. Still, i were thinking 'twould be best to avoid this person, until all the parts decided to be non.conflicted (shut up, i can make up words if i want). Unfortunately, i can't remember now who t'was that reminded me of the teacher.. *blank stare*

Damnit does anyone know what a group of bats that flies together is called? We (and by we i mean more than me) have decided 'flock' is appropriate. yes. so today i asked soemone who studied bats and shite. and his answer was "y'know, i don't know." grr. so he looked in his lil' bat book, but couldn't find the answer. so fine. Flock damnit. Bats flock!

i've had liek six hours of sleep in three days. i can sound liek a retarded batboi if i feel liek it. Bite meplease.

Moonbeam were the only childe i had at work this morning. Well, one of the others were there, but had a fever so i sent her home. So babybat and i hung around there for a bit, then got bored and came home. And we watched disney playhouse (shut up, she's too young for vampires and violence, and can't watch that shite til she's way older..) and listened to music and played.

i revert back to a child.liek status after a few days with practically no sleep, don't i? bwahaha. sleep's a myth anyway.

bah..must sleep tonight. can't go into therapy liek this tomorrow, or i'll be bitched at for not sleeping for a damn hour. grr.

hmm. i had soemthing to write about, but forgot what t'was. ah well.


delirious. say it with me kids. de.lir.ious.
Comments: 4 souls - sell your soul.
Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
4:30 pm - .crawl.through.dark

[Didn't come out exactly as i wanted
but given my lack of inspiration atm,
t'is the best i can do right now]

silence is static and the moon compensates
fiend for the night, cemetary dreams
graveyards and ghosts haunt the mind
yet in your darkness [you.are.beautiful]

scarred stars fall, universal
[ghostsinhere] so tragic
if ever i catch the moon
i'll send it your way

i'll steal it from the skies
and mark it with your name.


hear the silence break?

current mood: adore.
current music: coal.chamber

Comments: sell your soul.
Saturday, February 1st, 2003
9:38 pm - lickable is the flesh
1. Had sex? [spook is a sex fiend]

2. Had oral sex? [yesyes]

3. Had anal sex? [mmhmm. yep]

4. Used more than 3 positions in one session? [*nods*]

5. Devoted a whole day to sex? [yep]

6. Had noise complaints from neighbors during a sex session? [no. they don't complain about anything]

7. Received open praise for sexual technique? [yea. apparently spook's a delightful lil' whore. *smirks*]

8. Written an erotic story? [yea. written and posted several soemplace]

9. Fallen or lost balance during sex? [fell out of bed once. *laugh* the floor worked just as well]

10. Brought partner to climax using only hands? [yea]

11. Brought partner to climax using only mouth? [yea]

12. Had sex while totally dressed? [*nods*]

13. Had sex while standing up? [mmhmm. i have]

14. Erotically licked feet or sucked toes? [i've licked lots of things]

15. Had sex during your "monthly visit"? [erm. that doesn't apply]

16. Used whipped cream/soft chocolate erotically? [yea]

17. Used ice erotically? [yea]

18. Used hot melted wax erotically? [yea]

19. Shaved your pubic hair? [my ex did that for me]

20. Used a sex toy? [*nods*]

21. Used a vibrator? [*pauses..thinks. nods*]

22. Used an inanimate object (bottle, candle, hairbrush, etc.)? [*nods again*]

23. Used an inanimate object while having sex with a partner? [oh. i thought the above question meant this. yes]

24. Obtained money or a favor for sex? [eh.. yea]

25. Paid or granted a favor for sex? [depends on your definition of "favor" *smirks*]

26. Given sex in sympathy? [*thinks* no? maybe? can't remember?]

27. Had sex with a virgin? [mmhmm]

28. Ever cheated on someone? [*stares at ceiling*]

29. Had sex with someone 10 years older/younger than you? [*stares at ceiling. stares at floor. stares at computer screen* yea, but i aren't saying 'twas by choice.]

30. Had sex with your landlord? [nope]

31. Had sex with a teacher? [yea]

32. Had sex with a boss? [*thinks* nope, not that i recall]

33. Had sex with a relative? [um. yes]

34. Had sex with two members of the same family? [*nods*]

35. Had sex with twins? [nope]

36. Had homosexual sex? [*laugh* you mean this survey isn't about homosexual sex?]

37. Had sex with a pet? [bowwow. i mean no]

38. Had sex with a farm animal? [nope]

39. Had sex with someone the same day that you met them? [eh. yea. long story concerning my psychotic ex..]

40. Had sex with someone whose name you didn't know? [don't think so]

41. Had sex with someone you never spoke to/spoke different languages? [sigh. does him saying "get on your knees, boi?" count?]

42. Had more than 10 sexual partners? [are we talking sexual contact (e.g. oral sex, etc), or intercourse? *counts* yes to the first (eh, if you include those with whom i weren't always willing), no to the second]

43. Had more than 100 sexual partners? [not even close]

44. Had two separate sexual partners within 24 hours? [yea]

45. Had a menage-a-trois? [yea]

46. Had group sex (more than 3) [no? maybe? no]

47. Participated in a swap/swinging club? [no]

48. Had two regular partners at the same time? [define "regular"]

49. Had sex in a public place? [yesyes. often]

50. If so, where? [cemetary. rooftop. balcony. swimming pool. between two buildings on campus. haunted house. behind a police station. backseat of SUV. the woods. the.. shall i continue?]

51. Had sex outdoors in broad daylight? [yea]

52. Had sex on the roof of a building? [mmm. yea]

53. Had sex in a stationary car? [mmhmm]

54. Had sex in a moving car? [*nods*]

55. Are you a member of the mile high club? [nope]

56. Had sex outdoors at night? [yea]

57. Had two sexual partners at the same time unaware of each other? [no]

59. Had sex in the host's bedroom while a day guest (party/social visit)? [hmm.. pro'lly]

60. Had sex in the host's bedroom while an overnight guest? [in the guest room, yes]

61. Had sex in a public room while an overnight guest (kitchen etc.)? [mmhmm]

62. Had sex at your office or other work area? [college campus count?]

63. Met partner during work hours to have sex? [during a lunch break, yes]

64. Had sex in a public restroom? [yea]

65. Had sex on public transportation? [not yet]

66. Had sex in a dark theatre? [think so]

67. Had sex in the water? [yea]

68. Had sex in an elevator? [a lil' groping.. *smile*]

69. Had sex in a cemetery? [mm. purr. yesyes.]

70. Had sex in a store dressing room? [not yet]

71. Used alcohol to lower resistance to sexual advances? [it's been used on me for that reason]

72. Allowed yourself to be felt up by a stranger? [yea]

73. Looked at a nude magazine? [not me, i'm an angel.. *smirks*]

74. Looked at an explicit magazine (actual sex acts)? [to be honest, i can't recall]

75. Seen a live stripper? [yea]

76. Seen a live sex show? [yea, soemthing liek that.]

77. Watched someone having sex without their knowledge? [without their knowledge? no]

78. Showered with a partner? [yesyes]

79. Flashed someone (breasts, genital,mooned)? [you mean people really wear clothes? *shocked*]

80. Streaked with a group of six or more? [*laugh* i've run around shedding clothing before]

81. Stripped for someone? [yea. want me to strip for you, too, baby? *smirk*]

82. Stripped for a group of 3 or more? [um.. yes]

83. Participated at a nude beach or nudist camp? [stripped off my clothes and took a swim in my ex's neighbor's pool whilst drunk once]

84. Been the only nude person in a group of 3 or more? [*nods*]

85. Played strip poker (or a similar game involving nudity)? [hells yea]

86. Showered while someone watched? [yea]

87. Masturbated? [no. okie fine. yes]

88. Masturbated while someone watched? [yea]


*bites Jon*

current mood: perky
current music: NIN - Closer
Comments: 2 souls - sell your soul.
Friday, January 31st, 2003
7:10 pm - .So.Precious
[mood: adore.]
[status: content]
[tunes: Moonbeam's classical music CD]

[To my Moonbeam]

I remember the day you were born liek twas yesterday. You were so alert from the moment you were born, looking around with those big blue eyes. I remember seeing you, and the first thing i said was "There's my baby.." You were and are an angel.

Holding you for the first time was heaven, lil' one. You were so very tiny! So fragile, yet so strong, with your little teeny hand wrapped around my finger. (And now i'm wrapped around yours.. *smile*)

i remember those first nights with you in the hospital. Feeding you, holding you, just watching you sleep. 'Twas amazing. This little angel born to earth was mine to love and care for, and i just couldn't grasp it. I remember you holding your head up from the first day to look around, and i seeing you smile when you were but a day old. I was so happy that it broke my heart (in good ways).

You've grown so much over these four months. Every day i love you more. Every day i thank God for you. I'll never forget all these precious moments with you, my lil' baby girl: The first time you smiled, the first time you shook that little fist when you were mad, the first time you rolled over. The first time you laughed out loud. The first time i looked into your eyes. I was complete at that moment. You've made me so happy; more than i can ever write in words.

I love everything about you, my teeny tiny. I love your smile, i love your pout, i even love that temper of yours *smile* I'm in awe of you, and i love you so much. You're so amazing, and so strong and smart and cute. You're the most beautiful being i've ever laid eyes on. I'm blessed to have you in my life.

Everytime i look into your blue-gray eyes, my heart is filled with so much happiness. You're so innocent, so precious, and your love is a light in the dark. If i have a bad day, or i don't feel well, i can look at you and everything is so much better.

i hope i can give you the life you deserve, and raise you in happiness and safety. i love you so much, my teenytinyangelface, and i will always, always be by your side.

Out of all the precious memories of you in my mind, the one that stands out the most is the first time i laid eyes on you. i knew then that my world was complete, and i had an angel in my life.

i love you.


so precious

current mood: happy
current music: Moonbeam's classical music CD
Comments: 4 souls - sell your soul.
Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
3:30 pm - [.aphyx|iate.]

[mood: adore.]
[status: intrigued. obsessed.]
[tunes: korn: my.gift.to.you]

Wrap Your hands around my throat
show me Your love my dangerous angel.
Tattoo Your name upon my flesh;
Medley of pain, of pleasure, of breathless intoxication.

Grant me Your desires
Place scars upon my skin
write my name in Your book of sins
phuck me, use me, own me.

Tongue burn, bound to You by pain
and a madlove which could kill us both
Drown me in Your intentions
brand me with Your abuse
as i suffocate in Your devotion.


madlove;i would bleed for You

current music: korn: my.gift.to.you
Comments: 1 soul - sell your soul.
Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
6:29 pm - .dark.
--possible trigger--

[mood: undetermined]
[status: erratic. cycling. detached]
[tunes: placebo]

These things inside will not be silent. Confusion and pain and my universes are chaotic. Cacophonous symphony of voices and damn if they don't drive me to distraction.

I/We told shrinky one of 'the secrets' in session today. Didn't want to talk about it, but [babyboy? TJ?] couldn't not tell anymore. Blades and blood and pain, alive behind my eyes again. Angry whispers (shouldn't have told, knew better than to tell) and dark images and when will this phucked up shite inside stop?

[TJ] blames me for everything that happened. Soemtimes i wonder if he's right. i get lost |beneath.the.black|, soemtimes.

Shrinky asked if i were sleeping. |sleeps.a.myth| He wanted to increase the sleeping meds. No, i'm on enough as 'tis. Meds don't stop the dreams. Death, sex and violence are my -dreamtime- companions..

i took part in a sort.of 'ritual' Saturday night [purification|by|pain]. i took the punishment i thought was my due. i was beneath the pain [beneath.the.black] and the demons were silent. Temporary silence but silence nonetheless.

{Phucking hells. i madcrave my chemical amnesias. My vodka and my drugs. Phuck sobriety. i want numbness and i want to forget. But i won't go that route again. Moonbeam is in my life and and i won't turn back to alcohol and drugs for the solutions. Phucking hells, i madcrave it though.}

i phucking trigger myself with these sessions. i suppose that's part of the -healing- processes. Have to discuss the demons which eat the souls in order to exorcise them, da? Drugs (.meds. if you will) alone aren't the answer, and i don't want to be just another medicated lamb inside of a drug.induced dream..

Sereph would say the 'energies' are 'misaligned' and the 'temple' must be 'cleansed'. That, of course, would bring Static into play, and though i'm into blood, i'm not into seeing my own too often. Heh. (yes, i'm vague and rambling. i know what i'm talking about and this is more to myself at this point..) Phuck. My universes are misaligned.

[Soem .ghosts. won't stay buried.]


Comments: 2 souls - sell your soul.

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