|
|
Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
| |
7:01 pm - Funny how things change.
|
I saw charlie was online yesterday. and I sent him a message. this is how it all goes.::
To charlie:
mmk soooo....
i take back the part about moving to oregon. dont think its gonna happen.
ur not mad at me are you?
------------------------------------
reply from charlie:
no im not mad i understand and im sorry for being a dick not talking to you. Why arent you leaving for oregon?
------------------------------------
to charlie:
well, I decided that it would take me at least a year longer to get my bachelors degree if I go to oregon. yeah I could work down there... but I would have to live there a year before going to school - which is my ultimate goal. I want that bachelors degree. though yes there is a job there... it would effect my financial aid if i worked for a year and then went to school, making $20 an hour... I wouldnt get much financial aid. I wanted to go to portland state university but, i dont want to have to wait a year.
anyway, im trying to get into the university of washington in tacoma. I found out today I am 5 credits short of transferring in. so im pretty pissed about that...
so as of like 5 minutes ago, my new goal is to go back to clover park, take a few more classes (calculus, statistics, programming that is java based, and physics) and then transfer to UW.
and dont be sorry, its fine ok. you have nothing to be sorry for. im just glad your not mad at me.
-----------------------------
what he replied::
how can i stay mad at you? I just dont want you to be upset.
-------------------------------
What I replied:
oh, you know im like crazy lol. i figured I scared the crap out of you again and you're all thinking... "OH STAY BACK! freak!" haha. well something like that.
im sorry though.
-------------------------------
his reply:
why are you sorry you didnt do anything wrong
-------------------------------
my reply:
i dunno.. i guess i just feel bad about all of this. I.. dont want to like give up but.. ya know...
one of my friends said to me the other day that it seemed to her that how i feel was like "he is everything you want and everything you cant have"
i guess thats right
-------------------------------------------------
I knew I wasnt gonna get a reply back after that one. I never do.
he was online for at least a half hour after he read what i wrote, then he got off. but then got back on 20 minutes later for another half hour, then signed off again.
i got curious. and I know i shouldnt have. and i went to his myspace. looked at his page. then got a bit more curious - which I really REALLY shouldnt have... and visited his gf's profile...
as I scrolled down I saw a picture that i believe is of her...
I cant compete with that. I cant compete. she's gorgeous. I cant compete with that. and I know I cant. she wins, she will always win. I wont.
I actually read this part in a book I am reading right now.. but the line was "he is everything you want and everything you cant have".
Thats exactly it.
Charlie is everything I want (for the most part) and he is everything I cant have.
and it kills me.
i just feel like breaking down and crying. god this hurts.
I just wish I could get over him.
Oh god this is so difficult for me. I hurt. I have to let him go. but i know that I will always love him and I will have a place for him in my heart. no matter what. I know it. and im so scared of it. im so scared that.
im afraid that if I let him go I will lose.. that person that is meant for me.
people keep telling me that I cant let him go that I need to keep going after him and not walking away from this. that I will regret it for the rest of my life if I do..
and I know I will regret it for the rest of my life for not fighting harder for him...
but really. it would help greatly if he would fight for me.
tell me how he feels.
fight to keep me in his life.
try to talk to me without me always having to start the conversation.
I feel so down right now.
THIS IS WHY I NEED TO GET OVER HIM.
How I feel for him, does this to me. He doesnt even try to make me love him, i just do.
and this kills me. it fucking kills me.
HE FUCKING KILLS ME.
he doesnt try to hurt me. i know he means well. just some things he wont allow to happen ya know. and it kills me when its what i want so bad.. but see, he is the person on earth here. I'm up in the fucking clouds, totally NOT on earth where the rational people live.
no,
when it comes to him, my rationality flies out the fucking window, knocking things over on the way out.
im gonna go... find something to do because my heart is breakin again.
I need to use my therapy. painting.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Hand Of Blood - Bullet For My Valentine
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 31st, 2008
| |
7:16 pm - short letter to charlie.
|
title: Just to clear some things up...
your not the sole reason im leaving just to let you know. I hope you would have figured that out but I guess my letter sounded like I was blaming this on you or something. and thats not it at all. im leaving for a lot of reasons and my feelins for you are a good size part of that.
nothing is set in stone, im not for 100% sure that im leaving for portland, just 85% sure at the moment. but i think that moving down there is whats best for me.
I hope your not mad or pissed off or irritated with me. my guess is, you probably are. some things I said didn't quite come out the way I wanted them to so im sorry if I said some things that pissed you off or that were out of line. I had a hard time making sense and saying what I meant to say.
I'm Sorry.
current mood: sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
12:47 am - I know he read it... and I cant believe im doing this.
|
I know he read the letter today. I was online while he was when he read it. Im thinking he had been online for a lot longer then I was to read the old message and the new one. but i know he read it.
I really did make my decision today. I really am going to move to Oregon. and I might be down there for 2 years or so.
I'm gonna work there and continue to get my bachelors degree in Computer Science. I'm going to attend Portland State University.
and the thing is... I'm leaving everything I have ever known behind.
My friends, family (besides my aunt and uncle), and everything that is familiar to me. and im moving to another state.
wow.
I know thats what I have to do though.
when I told jake that I am going to move to oregon, get a job, and go back to school he cried. he was really upset. he told me that he feels like he is losing me all over again. finally, things have gotten better for him - were acting like we normally do.. and now its being taken away from him.
I feel so bad. I dont wanna hurt him anymore. he has been amazingly good to me. but I have to let him go. my heart isnt there with him. sadly, its with charlie. a guy who gives me false hopes of having a future between us.
which is just more of a reason to get the fuck out of here. I need to stop feeling like this for him. because its not gonna change. he wont change. at least tats what I have to believe... so I dont feel so horrible for leaving the 2 guys in my life that mean the most to me.
I wonder how charlie is feeling right now though. now that he has read it. hopefully he had time to read the whole damn thing but... who knows.
Im not gonna talk to Mark or Charlie for a while. I will do my best not to talk to Mark. but definitely try my very hardest not to talk to charlie.
i know that he will always have a place in my heart though. I know im gonna be really lonely down there. im secluding myself. something I think I should have done a long time ago... and not let this shit drag on like it has.
I shouldnt have ever been with jake in the first place when I loved charlie.
i should have fucking figured this out a long time ago.
as sad as im gonna be... I need to walk away. it is but then again it isnt about me right now.
Its about letting jake go - i know im not the right person for him. and he needs to see that.
its about me finding myself. because I am lost.
its about letting go of some of the things most dear to me to find myself.
its about living my life better... in the long run.
I guess im always on this never ending quest to make myself better. a better person i mean. to make things better in my life. to go after things I think will make me happy.
WHO KNOWS maybe all of this will fucking backfire in my face.
not like i dont deserve that.
I've done a lot of fucked up things to jake because of all of this. i dont wanna hurt him anymore.
Charlie is my kryptonite. He is that person to me who... I love so much it hurts. I dream about so often its like its real. how deeply i urn to be with him. I ache. and knowing he does like me and for a little while, did want to be with me and well doesnt want to now.... hurts more then you know.
many people think charlie is "the one" for me. I think that if knowing that person is "the one" feels like this... then it is him. for 2 years ive loved him. and now its time for me to let him go cuz things wont change. they wont change. nothing will change until I make a move and change it.
I know chances are, I will never see him again.
chances are he will be married in the next few years.
I will never have that chance I long for, with all of my soul. I will never be with him. I will never be his girl, the one he comes home to. I will never be his. Never.
I will always love him in some ways.
sometimes i sit here and ask myself... what the fuck am I doing? am I trying to sabotage everything charlie and I have? am I trying to fuck up my whole life? am I trying to make myself sad?
I guess the answer is Maybe. I dont really know. Im just doing what I think is best right now. leaving.
yes i know im throwing away the best things that have happened to me.
but they arent mine to keep.
charlie isnt mine. and jake well, im not worth keeping.
jake is amazing ya know. he would do anything for me.
so its not fair I keep him around to make me superficially happy. its like he is in a way a puppet to me. thats how I treat him. I know Im not in love yet he wants to marry me. how cruel am i.
wow im horrible.
thats horrible...
maybe im gonna crash and burn.
jake will find a girl he truly loves and get married.
charlie will get married too. have a few kids. and be happy.
I need to let them go do that though. i cant stay here hoping and wishing for my life to be with charlies. it wont make anything better.
so maybe this is how things are suppose to turn out.
maybe this is how its suppose to go.
Im not suppose to be happy.
I knew I would end up alone some day.
and i cant blame anyone but myself
for letting everything go.
guess I have a 50/50 shot here.
happiness or sadness.
I choose sadness right now. eventually things will turn around right?
current mood: melancholy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
| |
10:44 pm
|
I know this is going to be like an impossible journey. okay, not totally impossible but pretty much. trying to get over him is going to be very difficult. I think moving to a new place where im in an unfamiliar area, maybe that will distract me enough to move past him.
I fear more then anything that it will only make me miss him more though. I hate knowing that for the better part of 2 years - its been him. As hard as I have tried to move past him... nothing has worked. I even slept with Casey to try and distract myself from the feelings I had for Charlie. I went to that extent... sleeping with someone I know I didnt love or really want to try to get my mind off of him.
I fucking need therapy. hypnosis. something. ANYTHING so I can stop loving him.
Why do I love him so much? Why?! WHY DO I FUCKING LOVE HIM?! why is this so complicated. I dont want this to be so complicated. I just want things to be real between us. but it will never be.
Charlie. I dont know why I love you as much as I do. I wish I knew why.
Some people have told me that you might be "the one" beings how I've known since I met you that you were something more. we were something more.
I dont want to spend the rest of my life wondering if this is true.
but theres not a whole hell of a lot I can do when the ball is completely in your court.
I dunno charlie.
Maybe I have to go sleep with some more people to stop loving you. obviously fuckng Casey and Jake didnt work.
maybe I have to move away and not come back for a year or more to stop. Living in Portland for a long time might do it.
maybe I have to stop talking to you to move on. literally deleting you off my myspace, deleting your cell phone number from my phone so I wont be tempted to text you and to tell you to forget about me.
or maybe im just gonna have to do all of that.
you really dont understand how much I ache for you.
THIS IS INSANE. im reading what im writing here and this sounds completely nuts. I am fucking crazy. I sound like im obsessed, like im stalking you or some shit. like im a fucking psycho.
I realize how crazy I sound. and its unhealthy.
... maybe I am crazy... maybe i am...
i just need help. to stop feeling this way.
i dont wanna hurt anymore.
current mood: depressed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
10:06 pm - Letter to Charlie
|
--Sorry if I just sent this to you a ton of times. Myspace is being GAY.
Look. I'm sorry for that yesterday.
Charlie, when you told me yesterday that you didn't want to go camping anymore, just because you didn't feel like it, I took that too personally. again, I feel rejected by you. When I guess I really shouldn't. I am sorry, I shouldn't take that so personally. And I know I shouldn't. Its not that big of a deal but it still upset me, which is why I think I need to leave for a while - because it upset me and made me feel rejected. We are just friends, I shouldn't get upset over something like that. I reacted wrong. Seeing that makes me realize I seriously need to stop feeling like this for you. Cuz this shit is stupid. I am in too deep with how I feel for you and I don't like feeling like this when I'm the only one.
I don't think you can really understand or relate to how I feel. I don't even understand why I feel the way I feel about you. It doesn't make sense. All I know is that I have never had feelings like this toward anyone else, ever. Ive never been more sure of how I feel, ever. and I feel like I shouldn't ignore it, everyone says I shouldn't ignore it. Though, I have to. But I know you don't feel that same way back, at least not remotely close to how I feel about you.
and I think how you feel about me wont change, I'll always be that girl from class you kinda like but dont like enough to do anything about it. I dont think you want to change and I dont think you'd ever feel more for me. I think if I was to keep dealing with it, things would never change between us ever. Which is all the more reason why I need to find a way to stop feeling like this. Because it does hurt. It hurts a lot. I doubt you understand how I feel.
In a way, I think that I cant really be your friend when I feel like this. I have a bias opinion on everything. I cant truly be a good friend to you when I'm head over heals for you and I cant stop thinking about you regardless of how hard I try.
And its not fair to you either.
Poor Mark is in the middle of this, an I've apologized to him for that. I sorry.
I am sorry. I have to do something because I cant keep living like this. You have no idea how hard it is for me, every day. Pretending that your not always on my mind. Acting like everything is perfect. Its not healthy to be so sad when you told me you just wanted to be friends. It gave me that bottomless pit feeling that you get when you hear really bad news. I didn't want to show you how much it hurt, I didn't want to show you that, so I said it was fine, that I wasn't mad at you - which I wasn't. Just hurt... a lot.
I'm probably an idiot for making myself so vulnerable to you. I think though, I should just tell you how it is. bluntly. regardless of the outcome. you know me, I prefer blunt-ness.
I sound like I'm fucking crazy don't I. yeah I know I do. I feel like a complete loon. I hope you know I wouldn't expose myself like this to anyone else. For some reason, I do with you. I dont do this with boyfriends or anything. so think your special.
Maybe I have it all wrong. I dont know. I just cant keep feeling like this. its like I'm superman and your the kryptonite. haha well not really but kinda. I dont think superman is head over heals for the kryptonite lol.
Its jut really hard dealing with it. I reject other people who are interested in me because of how I feel for you. Jake should probably go to therapy because of how much of a bitch I am to him even though he hasn't done anything wrong. and see I dont want to do that, I don't wanna hurt him because of how strong my feelings are for you. Jake knows I'm not in love with him but it doesn't change how he feels for me. He tries hard but I still reject him. Hun, I cant keep living like this. I cant keep hurting other people too.
I know I'm not happy and I need to find what makes me happy. I thought, moving to Tacoma and getting a job where your at would solve everything. But really, I dont think it would. I dont think it would help, only make it worse. Its not good loving someone this much and knowing that person doesn't reciprocate that feeling back. I know you'd stay where you are. Your afraid of change right? It would be like school all over again. We would be just 'friends' and I would be the one suffering, hoping, and wishing for things to be different. I don't wanna live like that again.
I feel like I'm falling apart Charlie - right now at least. And I need to get myself together and figure shit out. Maybe leaving for half a year or longer would make things better. Maybe not. But I need to try. I think I owe it to myself, to you, to Mark, and to other people to make things right and find a way to love you like my friend only so they dont have to deal with it. What I'm saying is, I don't think your going to feel more for me or figure out what you want, I don't think were never gonna be together, and you don't love me like that. I need to let this go. I have to let you go. Babe I don't wanna love you anymore if you don't love me.
I would like to think of you as one of my best friends. I'm a better person with you in my life. And I never want to lose you. Your so important to me - if you only knew how important you are to me. But, I think I need to take a break from that emotional roller coaster of my feelings for you for a while. find a way to stop feeling like that. its no fun. I gotta figure something out because I don't want to keep feeling like this. There are so many things still left unsaid but, I think this is probably good enough for now.
I hope you can understand what I mean. I love you Charlie - as more then my friend but less then a romantic love I suppose. I hope you can forgive me for being a crazy person and for getting Mark involved with the drama.
And I hope you can forgive me for writing yet again another monstrously huge letter to you over Myspace.
I hope this makes you laugh.
See ya kiddo.
<3 Always,
Sarah
current mood: sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 28th, 2008
| |
8:55 pm - I have to end this.
|
I know things arent going to change. I know he isnt willing to do that. things will just continue to hurt and haunt me unless I do something about it and not let this happen anymore.
He always seems to disappoint me. Maybe its with little things. Things that wouldnt disappoint friends. but he constantly lets me down. I should be use to this shit. he has been doing that since day 1.
All the more reason to get out while I can. I know that if we were in a relationship and he pulled that, it wouldnt last long.
I think I've made my decision. I'm moving to Oregon. I need to get away. There I can at least start somewhere new. New job, new town, new people.
I hate to leave my loved ones behind, but I need to find my place in life. where I need to be. I need to find a place that makes me happy. where I dont have to deal with my life up here, not being able to be with the person I love because he hasnt found what he really wants in life. He doesnt know what he wants... and he sure isnt ready for me.
so i need to change.
I need change.
Big time.
yeah.
current mood: sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, July 12th, 2008
| |
1:59 pm - Wow, your an ass.
|
I apparently underestimated how much of an ass you really are. Seriously, you really don't give a shit about me. You fucking used me. And for what? A thrill? To get back at your girlfriend? What.
I've been trying to save our friendship. I'm the only one DOING IT. You wont even talk to me. You ignore me - yet again.
Ya know, I can guarantee that I would be hands down the best girlfriend you have ever had. Yet you refuse to give me a chance at all. Even just trying to be friends right now, I have to like force you to talk. You don't willingly want anything to do with me.
Its not fair that you know exactly how I feel about you and you mess with my head.
It hurts thinking that I finally had so many of my dreams come true with you and then you decide to take it all back. That hurts so much you dont even know.
Charlie, I am trying so hard not to think about you. About how all of this makes me feel. It hurts because I care so deeply for you and you could care less about us even being friends.
I really wish that you would figure out the things you want in life. What really makes you happy. I really wish you would wake up and see that I care about you and that I am someone worth keeping in your life. I wish you would fucking see that you need to do things for you and stop trying to make other people happy.
I guess more then anything, I wish you would tell me.. better yet, show me that you care at all.
Its difficult for me not to cry about what has happened. You know how I feel and you took advantage of that. You knew everything. And you hurt me. And now suddenly, you're not interested anymore.
How fucking amazing do you think that makes me feel?
I don't want to show how vulnerable I am to you. I don't want to show you how sad I really truly am. I don't want you to know how depressed this makes me.
So you will never know.
I have to be strong and pretend that this doesn't bother me. Like its no big deal.
But it is. I just have to pretend none of this happened and were back to where we use to be.
Acquaintances.
Not really even friends. Friends talk to eachother. You wont talk to me. Friends hang out. You don't want to hang out.
Once again I walk away disappointed. Being optimistic doesn't always work. I have to try to be so I can cope with how much it hurts. Trying to think differently when bad things happen helps me cope.
So I don't have panic attacks.
Thank god you've never seen me have one.
I know one day you will realize what you had and what you lost. Hopefully you'll feel bad about that. But really Charlie..
I dont deserve to be treated like this by anyone.
I don't deserve this.
Regardless of how much I truly do love you, I wont sit here and let you hurt me.
I deserve so much better then you if you're going to treat me like that, then to hell with you.
Because I can do better...
and baby, I'm too good for you.
current mood: cold
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
| |
10:26 am - its been a few days.
|
I havent really been on the internet in a few days. spent the last 2 days at lacies house, had a party. got really really drunk. then i ended up crying myself to sleep because jake was pushing me so hard to be back with him. its fucking ridiculous. he knows i dont want to be back with him yet he pushes me to do so.
as for charlie, i havent really talked to him either. we just kinda joke around over the internet on myspace back and forth but other then that its nothing. he's too busy for me. so ive been trying to make myself too busy for him too.
it was kinda nice to be able to talk to lacie again. i was able to tell her a lot of shit and she was able to tell me some serious crap thats happened with her recently. i couldnt believe some of the stuff... it was insane.
i wish she would have told me those things a long time ago so she had someone to talk to instead of like, doing everything on her own.
I could see all 4 of us becoming good friends.
omg i need to go to the doctor and find out what the fuck im allergic to because im so fucking miserable. my allergies are terrible. im always clogged up and feeling like shit. and im starting to think zyrteck isnt working anymore. i feel terrible..
ughhhh
current mood:  groggy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
| |
7:35 pm - Its okay.
|
Things seem to be somehwat back to normal between him an i now. Now that he read what I had to say back to him. His reply was "SUCK D :)" - which is an inside joke we have. Only him and I really get it. but its good to be back to that, where we can make fun of eachother and laugh.
Thats how I want it to be. No matter what. I dont want that to ever change.
I do love him yes. But right now isnt our time. I didnt like how I felt when I couldnt see him and talk to him a lot. It fuckin killed me guessing shit. I cant go through that again - not again. So, maybe someday things will work out for the better. but as for now, no. And I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that.
Yeah, ill date others and so will he. But those feelings will always be there.
Always, I swear on that one.
I have always found him to be a huge challenge for me. I cant read him like I can others. I can usually see right through people, easy. and Im the first one to figure shit out. but I cant see through him and cant figure him out.
I like challenges :)
though, i seem to have a basic idea but then discard it because I secondguess myself.
ah well...
ya live and ya learn.
so just because right now is not the right time...
doesnt mean that later might not be either.
who fucking knows.
maybe him an i wont ever date.
maybe it will never work out.
at least I can say that I've made one hell of a friend.
Ive had friends like that when i was younger. a guy i mean.
a guy i could tell anything and everything to.
though, they didnt live here. (ian - florida. matt - illinois. other matt - scottland.)
I found one here. Thats Charlie.
haha he knows some random shit about me. hahahaha i laugh. thinking about some of the things i told him lol. W-O-W. hahahaha. oh well I dont give a shit. the more he knows that im a dork, the better.
I think thats why him and I will always make good friends. were both able to be ourselves around eachother.
we actually talked today. not for long but we talked. i made fun of him. made him laugh. that made me feel good :). at least things are starting to go back to normal.
Ah well, im tired and feel like resting. spent the day in seattle with mom at fred hutch.
ima go read twilight.
lata.
current mood:  tired
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
| |
7:13 pm - Emotion and Optomism...
|
One day you will realize that my love was real.
that I truly care about you.
One day you will realize you made a huge mistake.
One day you will see things through my eyes.
and wonder why you passed me by.
Karma has its way of coming back around and kicking peoples ass who need it.
And when that happens, you're gonna regret hurting me.
I think I am the only one who has ever truly felt this way for you. and you pass me by.
Thanks Charlie.
Thanks.
I do respect the fact that you are telling me this now, rather then later.
it just hurts charlie. this hurts.
i had my hopes up thinking... ohhhh yay! finally i have a chance to be with this guy ive been head over heals for, for 2 years...
to now you just want to be friends.
ow... that hurts...
I guess if anyone has a... control in a since... over me... then they are bad news.
i shouldnt allow myself to care so much about someone who can tear me appart.
i guess really, it doesnt hurt as much as it could have. I feel a bit empty but it could have been worse.
Trying to be optimistic here, he is a lesson learned. well I still have some learning to do but still...
maybe we really arent meant to be. but that im meant to learn a lesson from him that will help me find the person who truly does make me happy...
i know jake doesnt make me happy.
where im at now in my life doesnt make me happy.
At least him and I can still be friends. maybe not good friends right now but someday.
Regardless, charlie is my friend. we were friends first.
and im not willing to give up our friendship over this.
i love him yes, but some things arent meant to be.
doesnt mean it will never be meant to be but it could mean that right now is not our time.
maybe. who knows.
i just wont give up our friendship over this.
i refuse to.
current mood:  optimistic
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
6:46 pm - Thanks, you ass.
|
thats just fucking amazing... wow. i feel like crap right now.
I sent him a message, this is what it said:
"So.. I don't mean to like bother you or anything...
I just don't get why you wont even talk to me. Like friends or anything. why you wont say "hi" or anything. Arent we just friends Charlie? friends say hi...
I know shit is stressful for you right now, I get that. I do. and I'm sorry that it is, but your not making since.
You are still completely blowing me off. I'm just trying to make conversation with you and you still ignore me.
So I guess I don't understand.
I think theres something else going on with you that you wont or don't want to tell me.
Just talk to me. tell me whats goin on with you. If you want me to fuck off then just say so ya know. Leaving me here wondering makes things so much worse... You use to do this to me a long time ago so please dont do this again.
I need you to communicate with me.
if you want me to leave you alone say so please, Don't clam up again. At least telling me to leave you alone is you telling me something.
You don't have to put up this wall in front of me. You don't have to keep things from me. Remember in school Charlie, you could talk to me. You told me a few weeks ago that you feel like you can talk to me - and you still can damnt. So, why don't you?
Maybe I can help you hun.
I want to help you in any way I can.
Why dontcha let me.
Write me back, please."
---------------------------------------------------
and this is the reply I got back:
"Sry i havent got back to you latley today was busy though i didnt even get a lunch until 3 or 330 today at work. I'm not sure whats going on with me to tell you the truth this is probably why i clam up. I will tell you the truth about me and this is probably why i never did anything in school i have found out that i always seem to like the chase if that makes sence. And when ever i get invovled with someone things turn the opposite on how i feel towards them i do like you dont take that the wrong way but i have always been afraid of fucking shit up so its ok if you dont want to talk to me i have said how i feel and think."
--------------------------------------------------
This is what I said back:
"no no hun I do want to talk to you. thats the thing.
I dont get what you mean by you like the chase?
charlie, you need to understand I dont give up easily. an im not gonna just walk away from you.
I dont understand though...
your afraid to fuck things up? playing me and toying with my head will fuck things up. you not talking to me will fuck things up.
what do you want though? just to be friends or what?"
------------------------------------------------
So I guess what he means is that he doesnt actually want to pursue anything with me anymore. and that he likes the chase but now its all different.
THANK YOU FOR GETTING MY HOPES UP.
Thank you so fucking much for making me feel like all my god damn dreams were about to come true.
thank you so fucking much for leading me on.
for making me fall for you again...
for making me think you actually gave a damn.
But most of all, thanks for hurting me.
current mood: Hurt.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
12:43 am - Im really worried.
|
He hasnt spoken to me today. Im really worried he might have found out about wither or not his gf is pregnant... and he doesnt want to tell me if she is.
I know he wants to be with me.
In the back of my mind though, I cant help but think maybe theres something else going on I dont know about. I always have a problem with over-thinking things. And I know it could be exactly that.
im just scared right now that she might be pregnant. and that i wont have that chance with him ever because of this.
I pray she isnt pregnant. god I pray she isnt pregnant.
current mood: worried
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, June 27th, 2008
| |
5:31 pm - He told me the truth
|
And its got nothing to do with me.
*whew* in that sense. but damn...
I called him up and talked to him. He told me the reason why he hasnt been talking to me all week is because his girlfriend might be pregnant. He is scared shitless that she is pregnant. She told him that if she is that she is going to keep the kid and that he doesnt have to have anything to do with it. he said he couldnt do that but that he doesnt want a kid, he isnt ready for it.
He told me that he is really scared right now. He has been pissed off and upset and ignoring everying and blowing them off all week. Its not just me, its everyone.
He doesnt know what to do. I told him he needed to stop by the store and buy her a pregnancy test. I dont know if he did or not but he needs to know.
This just occurred to me. If she did in fact cheat on him and sleep with one of his friends when he was in vegas in april... she missed her period in may.. and hasnt had it since?
THIS MIGHT NOT BE HIS KID IF SHE IS PREGNANT!!!!!!
for fuck sake! god charlie I feel so bad for you right now babe.
im gonna really worry about you and pray that shes not pregnant until you find out for sure. even if she is, she could loose it. she smokes and drinks. wow thats a horrible thing to say.
charlie, I hope for your sake she isnt.
I know how unhappy you are with her.
I know you dont want to be with her.
I know that you want to be with me...
if she is pregnant... I know you will stay with her for the kid.
if she is, you wont walk away from that kid.
and you'll be trapped and unhappy.
I pray she isnt pregnant. for your sake, and mine.
current mood: worried
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
| |
12:10 am - I love him for who he is.
|
I think he is coming to realization that he doesnt have to be fake around me. I love him for who he is - and not what everyone else wants him to be.
I think he is realizing that he doesnt have to lie to me. I accept things for the way they are and I am ok with that.
I think he has been trying to make everyone else happy for too long and he is starting to see that.
I see him differently. I read him like no one else can and I know this because Ive seen it in action. He didnt tell much of anyone things that have happened - but he told me. I can tell when something is wrong. By the way he dances around something, I get a good idea of what he is talking about if i can get him to dance long enough.
moe then anything I fear that he could really hurt me. badly. he has the power to hurt me so bad.
I hope he doesnt.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 6th, 2007
| |
4:12 pm - freakin hell
|
he's so fuckin hot it makes me want him.
it was like 85 degrees today and he was wearing a somewhat tight black shirt that looked hella good on him. ugh. i know he's a tease. i know he likes me but not enough to date me an all... but fuckin hell he's hot.
He makes me happy when he's around, most of the time.
thats the thing though, I dont really want to be with jake. im with him, but i dont really want him. I like the attention i guess. I like feeling special. I like feeling like someone wants to be with me. I like going out and having a blast doing nothing. I love being around jake and having fun. I just dont love him. i dont.
Im still head over heals for charlie. I still really like him and it doesnt help that i see him and work with him every day. I want to be with him. but i know he doesnt want to be with me or he doesnt know what he wants. he flirts like crazy, i love it. i know he does too. i want him just he doesnt want me like i want him.
gurrrr...
i just wish he would tahe that step. take a chance with me for once... im moving away from him and i think he sees that.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
| |
6:29 pm - gah
|
Jesus.
Charlie
FUCKING
KISS
ME
ALREADY
please?
it drives me insane how much i want to be with you
i want to be with you so badly.
it kills me sometimes
i wanted to kiss you today. I wanted so badly to kiss you.
almost did.
im just rather shy.
not sure how you are going to react to it.
i look at you and cant help but imagine us together.
i guess this sounds obsessive. but really im not. Im just crazy about you.
and I want to be with you.
i just hope he wants to be with me too.
i have a lot of doubt though.
how i dont see how things would work out.
i want him though
i have my heart set on him.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, April 28th, 2007
| |
11:35 pm - Gurr arg.
|
Its been a long time since i've updated. A lot has changed.
Since I found out charlie had a girlfriend, things have gotten better... well kinda. for me anyway. not him.
His girlfriend dumped him, which in turn made him more flirtatious with me. More open to me. we spent 4 and 1/2 hours at school the other day just talking. I blew off my intern job to talk to him. he wanted to talk to me. to talk about what was going on. and so we talked. since then things have gotten a lot more interesting between him an myself. He's a lot more open about things and I'm a million times more comfortable around him. which means a lot. a hell of a lot.
part of me is thinking this is just because his gf dumped him for another guy. an that thats the only reason he's flirting so outrageously much. It makes me sad though. If thats true then he is leading me on and thats not fair.
because i have gotten more comfortable around him im much more blunt. I'm much more of myself, telling him the things I use to be afraid to do. and yes, its not all coming out but a lot more is. im not nearly as shy. I like it this way. things are getting better between him an i. but really it could mean nothing. it could be so very meaning less..
I sent him a text message the other day and asked him if he liked me. i didn't get a response and figured, i never would. i probably never will then. I guess it probably gave him something to think about at least. but he just broke up with his girlfriend.. how can i possibly think anything real substantial will happen? i doubt...
if anything it is gonna take him a long time.
in the mean time jake is in the picture here. because i found out charlie had a girlfriend, i decided to say 'to hell with charlie' and I went for someone else. an got it. an now charlie is where i wanted him to be, in a sence... an now i want him but i got jake. I'd take charlie over jake any day. I'm trying to have sex with jake and not care but its starting to change. an i need to end this now. but i wanna get more secure with charlie first. i dont wanna be alone. not again. im so sick of being alone. being lonely. sad and depressed. i dont want that again.
I want charlie.
not jake.
as for chris..
i dont love him anymore...
i do kinda just not enough to make me want to stay.
i feel terrible but it happens.
thats life.
i cant control how i feel.
its just how i feel.
im gonna be a heart breaker eh.
current music: Bullet for my Valentine
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
| |
1:49 pm
|
so im at school right now...
working on absolutely nothing. I have about oh 40 minutes before I can leave and go take my math final.
I dont feel so great.
sadly enough, I've learned a few things recently that i didn't know beforehand.
and it makes me feel like an idiot.
he does in fact have a g/f.
No he still has not told me.
why? well.. jason and nick seemed to think that the reason he hasn't told me about it is because that when he is getting attention from an attractive girl, he's sure as hell not gonna say anything about having a girlfriend.
Which makes sence.
especally since we always goof off and shit.
Steph told me that he is back with his old girlfriend.
that convo was brought up by talking about WOW.
apparently he's been lieing to me from the beginning...
He didn't dump his girlfriend because of school...
she dumped him because he use to play WOW too much.
Again, something he felt like hiding from me
that makes me want to NOT talk to him.
It hurts my feelings, yes.. it makes me a bit upset that he lied.
that he told everyone else BUT me whose his best friend here... at school... an freakin...
He wont even tell me the truth.
that pisses me off.
at least I've been truthful to him about crap.
an he wont respect me enough to tell me the truth.
Now i'm angry at him.
Thats such bullshit.
I dont understand why thats like that..
an so.. i guess... again, he's not worth it.
again, i might as well just... get back together with chris cuz nothings ever gonna happen between charlie and i.
ever
he frustrates the hell out of me!
current mood:  angry
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|