| aw fuck! |
[14 Nov 2003|02:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
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music |
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none whatsoever |
] |
This is my third attempt on quitting smoking. I am 10 hours in. Damn what a bitch. I don't know if I can do this. This craving is killing me and I don't think I can drink anymore water. Oh man...is this the right thing to do? Of course it's the right thing to do. Cigarettes give you cancer and kill your cardiovascular system. I sure miss inhaling the wonderful, nicotine filled smoke. It makes me feel so good. Why am I torturing myself? Is it for a greater good? What greater good? I'm trying to change something in my life. Something I actually have the power to change. Am I ready? Who knows if I'll ever be ready. Might as well do it now. If I don't stop I'll start smoking a pack a day as usual. All I know is that I'm 10 hours in. Smoke free. This nicotine craving is killing me ( like an annoying itch I can't scratch ) and I'm dying for a cigarette I can't have. Well at least I'm not depressed about a lack of girlfriends. That's probably the last thing on my mind. But suddenly I feel sad. Shouldn't have opened that door. Lock it up man...
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| Battle lost... |
[12 Nov 2003|10:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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a little relaxation therapy |
] |
Well...I stayed 14 hours without smoking one cigarette. It wasn't that bad but it really hit me on the 14th hour. I just felt so wrestless and incomplete. I knew it was the nicotine withdrawal workin but It hit me hard and I went and found a half cigarette lying outside and smoked it down to the filter. It felt so good inhaling the smoke. Then I felt guilty but not totally defeated. I went to 7 11 right after and bought a pack of smokes. Maybe this will be my last pack? I was doing so well. I wonder what went wrong? Lack of will power I suppose. But for 14 hours I was free. At least I let my lungs rest a little bit. I drank water and pissed all day too. Good try. Next time I will win. What exactly am I doing it for you ask? Health for one thing. I just don't feel so healthy. I want to get back in shape. I've got a little gut forming and I don't like it one bit. Wish me luck next try. I just might win.
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| return to innocence... |
[10 Nov 2003|12:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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a little enya for the soul |
] |
I am so bored. Another weekend has passed. I didn't do anything cool or fun. Friday night I just stayed in bed. I don't do anything fun anymore. I used to. I don't know what's up with me. I just stayed in my room all weekend like usual. But wait...I stay in my room all the time! I have nothing in common with anybody. I just want to smOke. It sux cuz I don't have any stoner buddies. I always smoke by myself. It's not too bad but its always better with some friends. I didn't go to the movies, hang out or anything this weekend. Ooohh...I did read a chapter for school. Whoopee! (sarcasm goes here) Now I have to work on this take home final for school. It looks cryptic. My teacher is weird that way. I just feel like exploding right now. I don't want to go to sleep yet. Hell no. So here I am writing on this damn thing. I just can't seem to relax at all. My nerves are shot, and I feel physically and emotionally wrecked. Crap. I'm running out of cigarettes again. They're the only thing that keeps me sane really. And I'm thinking of giving them up???! Oh...this hole I have dug for myself. I still haven't found a job in the computer field. I am so brOke. It sux ass. To be honest I have no idea what to do. My life is no fun right now. It's very boring and predictable. I want to have some fun and feel alive again like I used to before. That feeling of elation rushing through my very essence. I wish I knew where I belong. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm 24 now and I should be dating, have my own place and making good money. I'm not doing any of that. I just sit in my room all day playing with my computer. I don't mind so much but a little fun wouldn't hurt. A few laughs or something. A few tokes from the bong. Something...someone to understand me.
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| Linux Kiddie$ |
[07 Nov 2003|06:52am] |
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mood |
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 listless |
] |
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music |
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nin |
] |
I'm listening to nin right now, thinking about what I should do tonite. I don't really have any plans. I'm just going to end up smoking cigarettes all night as usual. I wish I could get high right now, and I probably could, but...I really shouldn't. I'm trying to detoxify myself so those damn drug tests won't fuck me over. ::sigh:: I need some release!!!!!!!!!!!
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| NUMB |
[01 Jul 2003|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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nothing |
] |
Feeling kinda numb right now. I'm just in a daze. I don't feel anything. I don't really care about anything. Just feel kinda numb right now. Heh.
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