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so here i am. in another attempt at a journal. there have been so many countless journals half filled with thoughts and dreams of mine. all abandoned. i don't know why i can't keep up with any of them. it's not as though nothing happens to me. i'd like to think that i lead a pretty interesting life, but then again...none of it really matters to those around me. they live their lives and pay no attention to anyone around them. i'm sitting here in the lounge of my dorm, just a few minutes past 2 in the morning, and i'm left wondering. i've decided something. i've lost all faith in people. it's been said that people are inherently good. i beg to differ. people are not good. that's not to say that all people are bad. there are the few exceptions. there always are. i just talked to tom, and i can't help but feel more convinced than ever that people are worthless. except for a handful. and for those special ones in my life, you know who you are. i've realized that people are the most selfish creatures. it's all about themselves. everything they do is for their own advancement or to make them feel better about something. people don't care. that's why they fuck up the lives of those around them. using people. breaking hearts. cheating. lying. hating. all caused by mean people. *sigh* dammit dims. i thought we agreed that this wasn't going to be sad. and here it is. the first g.d. entry. sad. i haven't yet decided if this will be my own private journal. or if i will let others read it. that will all be decided in the future.
i talked to my mom yesterday. and it was more of the same. what the fuck are you doing there? are you there to party? what are you doing with your life? mom--when i find out, i'll be sure to let you know. honestly, i wish i could tell her. i wish i could tell myself. i've been questioning this whole college thing for a while now. how sad is that? millions of people don't ever get the chance to go to college. here i am, with my college all paid for, and i'd do anything to not be here. i don't need a fancy degree, a fancy car, a fancy house, or even a fancy life. all i need in life is to be happy. just me, myself, and i. living somewhere. anywhere. doing what i can to get by. i would love nothing more than to pack up and leave whenever i wanted. maybe i've been fucked up by moving so much as a child, and now i don't ever want to stop. maybe i want to move forever. i feel like i'm being molded into something that isn't me. i'm being forced into a mold and i'm spilling out of the sides. i don't fit in this goddamn mold. why can't they see this? i'm not their idea of perfect. i'm not 5'10", blond, beautiful, i don't have a driver's license, i like tofu, and i love my wild curly hair. i golf, listen to marilyn manson and dashboard, and i'm a sucker for foreign films. i'll cry over amelie' with you any day. i don't want a business degree...i don't want a psych degree...i don't want to work in a cubicle for the rest of my life and i don't want the lives of everyone i see around me. i need to be me. i love me. it all seems simple enough. right? i wish. being here this year is not like it was last year. i'm a little older, a little wiser and a little sadder because of it all. who knew that growing up could be such a downer? i miss dims. here...lean in a little closer and i'll tell you a secret. *a little part of me has died this year. i'm not myself. i've lost my confidence. and it's all because of this mold.* everywhere i look, i'm being told to wear this, look like this, act like this. jesus christ. this is college. not middle school. i never thought i'd be saying this. so. i buy the clothing. i listen to the music. i speak the lingo, for crying out loud. damn by fantastics, and marvelous, and uber spiffy's. (not really. i love you!) i don't know, i just feel completely and utterly lost here. not at school necessarily. but here. living. wow. if that isn't super depressing...(sorry dims. i didn't mean for this.) regardless of what i really want, i'll do the normal thing. i'll major in communications and get a minor in criminal justice. hooray for knowing what i want. fuck. oh well. don't be surprised if i bring this up again. and again. and again. it's a topic i love to talk about. oh joyous day.
onto a topic of a less depressing nature- it seems like everyone in this godforsaken dorm is breaking up. wtf. honestly. granted, my pop tart and i are back together, but everyone around me is heartbroken. and i feel their pain all too well. it's all too familiar. the whole thing has made me realize how much i really love him. how truly special he is and i'm so lucky to have found him. or did he find me? in any case, i think that we'll be good for each other. i hope so anyway. and if not, well...we'll both have learned something from each other. even now, here at this point in my life, i feel changed by him. for some, nine months is an eternity. for me, i feel like i'm just beginning to know who he is. just beginning to figure him out. it's taken me nine months to reach the surface. and i'm okay with that. i'm willing to spend as long as it takes. forever. i'd give forever for him. *big hearty, heavy, sigh* someday, i'll tell you all about the dreaded week of hell. i still don't quite understand it entirely. why? clearly, neither one of us wanted it, so why? i don't know. our reasons were nothing that couldn't have been talked through. so why cause all of the unnecessary pain and heartbreak? i feel closer to him now, though....ironic as that may seem after it all...and i'm pretty sure he feels the same. we've lost each other once already, and i didn't like it.
brenna lo's figured me out- i'm switching back and forth between topics. it's usually my admiral, or my existence. i figure i should spend an equal amount of time on both. it's only fair. god. they've been my recent favorite subjects.
what is is about infatuation and obsession that makes us think we are invincible to pain? i've been wondering that a lot lately. i look around, and i see people already getting hurt by people that they feel so committed and devoted to. why? i've decided it. love shouldn't hurt. goddamn it. it shouldn't. what is is about that other person that we are willing to put ourselves through that much pain for? what? it's gotta be something in the water. that has to be the only logical explanation. and then when you try talking to the person who will inevitably end up getting hurt, they blow you off and tell you to leave them alone and stay out of their business. christ. i don't understand it. all i'm trying to do is help. and in the end, it seems like i do more fucking than fixing. i love my friends and i don't want them to hurt. especially when they are both so close to me. what do i do? how can i tell them what will be without hurting them? do i go ahead and hurt them or do i wait and let them inflict the pain on each other?
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