gemini_ninja's Blurty
 
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in gemini_ninja's Blurty:

    Sunday, March 11th, 2007
    4:03 pm
    untitled
    "sometimes you love, you learn and you move on. and that's okay..."
    Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
    2:37 pm
    yes, i am hopeful. i have this drive in me to quit smoking. you may ask why, all of a sudden?

    i know i am not a chain smoker. and everyone who knows me knows that, too. from the time i learned how to smoke, i have never consumed a pack in a day. eight sticks a day for me is enough. if i go more than eight, my brain already swells. and i feel my eyes will pop out...honey, don't laugh. this is no joke.

    so...

    what made me say i (should) quit? i have been telling my girlfriend that i would be quitting smoking. this has been a promise made since we became partners. but even before that, i used to tell myself that if i don't quit, i will not have the chance ever. old habits are hard to break. don't you agree? but if you want to and you are driven to, you can make it happen.

    ------------------------

    i am grateful to -w- for not giving up on me in so many things. you know how much i love you.

    Current Mood: hopeful

    Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
    10:57 pm
    cannot bring myself to sleep yet...

    tired? no, i am not.
    bored? definitely not.

    my princess is here, lying asleep in my bed.
    i laid beside her and watched her to sleep.
    cannot seem to touch her as she might awaken waxy and offended.

    i love her... i love her with all that i am.

    Current Mood: awake
    Current Music: if i ever lose this heaven

    10:15 pm
    feel...
    i miss pretending like i am asleep
    while she gently caresses my body
    not wanting to wake me up
    and rolling over to give into her
    better yet, not letting her know I am awake
    and her feeling me
    and satisfying herself by the mere sight of feel of my body...
    Monday, January 5th, 2004
    1:56 am
    all is fair in love and war...
    as the saying goes. problem is, it only seems fair to the one who isn't hurting. as for the one who has to bear the pain, no amount of rationalizing the fairness of love will ever make sense.

    after all, there's no point in maintaining a relationship only because of pity or guilt... "it's one thing to call it quits, and another to rub salt on my wounds". but just give it time, time for pain to subside. time for wisdom to take the place of fleeting passion.

    "i shall always treasure what we had. we hardly saw each other after we parted. we meant it that way. i am no longer in love with her. inspite of everything, we had a unique experience. that's true. but i don't advise anyone to follow our path. it was difficult. it was dangerous. however, when you've survived hell together, you'll never find the urge to regret anything. you'll always learn from the experience. i definitely did."

    "i knew i felt deeply for her. for a while, before it happened, i kept asking myself if i was going to do the right thing. in the end, i just knew. i felt it in my heart. she was all i ever wanted. i have not regretted the decision since then. i would have done the same all over again if given the chance."

    "there was no future for us. i knew it right from the start. i thought it was better to end everything while it wasn't too complicated and deep. she was very emotional. i didn't want to see her cry. i hated tears in general. what could have been the right reaction? cry? nah. i had cried since we started seeing each other. i did not want to get angry either. what right did i have in the first place? the best thing to do was to accept reality and go on with my own life. it was very hard because i thought we had something special going on between us. but life has to go on--no matter what."

    "i already did what i was supposed to do a long time ago. keep all the things she gave me. keep them away from my sight. i don't want to see anything that would remind me of her. i just couldn't do it before for a reason. i was hoping she'll come back. but i was hoping against hope. for a time, i couldn't imagine myself holding on to the thought that one day, and someday, she'll be back. but i guess she won't be. she'll never be. because it's all over. everything. i always ask myself, "where did i go wrong?" am i to be blamed? was it all my fault?"

    as far as i know, i have done nothing wrong. maybe it's just that i have come to love her--love her with all my heart. everything that i have shared, everything that i have offered, everything that i have showed were all because of love. i have never taken advantage of her. neither her kindness.

    i have learned so many things from that experience. but one lesson stood out. after the break-up, i was hurt. i clung to the only thing left in me: PRIDE. i may have cried for days without end, but i didn't beg for affection. i may have wallowed in pain, but i healed on my own. i may have plotted revenge, but in the end, i rose above my own despair to discover i haven't lost faith in myself. pride, as we all know, can lead to a person's destruction. but as with other things, it can also preserve one's self-worth. it did mine.

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