||[21 Apr 2004|06:04pm]
I'm leaving tonight. I'm just...going. I don't know where, I just can't stand it here. I'll go somewhere abroad for a while hopefully. I'll probably be back in a week knowing me, but I hope it'll be longer. Maybe I won't come back at all. There's just something...wrong. I don't know what and I can't handle it. This so called 'good life' just isn't for me, it's not right at all. Maybe I only exist for failure. I was going to cut last night for the first time in 52 days. But I didn't. I want to feel pain, I get none anymore, from anything. It's like I'm permantely numb inside and out. I can't respond to anyone really, not even Mat.
I'm just trying to take it as a holiday, like thinking it's just for a couple of days and see how it works out. Even if I do come back, I'm turning this journal into Friends Only. Probably because I don't want anyone I know to randomely walk onto it somehow.
I might be back on soon, or then again...I might not.
Update - Okay, I'm on again sooner than I thought. I have an idea of what I'm doing! Yay. I've booked a plane ticket for St. Louis in Missouri, US. It goes via Detroit in Michigan so I might just stop there if I like. I'm not booking anything else. I'm kinda just...gonna...er...turn up. My flight's at....1.30pm tomorrow. I'm slightly worried about it all. So...I do kinda have a plan. Going tomorrow. Probably coming back Tuesday. I might just stay in the US. Maybe.