Wishful Thinker's Blurty

Time:	7:12 pm.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	The Counting Crows- Time And Time Again.

It makes me sad how everyone is abandoning their Blurtys for LJs. So I decided to update.

Last night was The Dance. Today I did nothing. Got woken up at like 9 by some stupid guy putting up shit in my house. and like hammering stuff. So that was annoying. Then I got my mommy to make me some cinnamin toast. Talked to my brother for a little, put on the Gray Album, and we both fell asleep. My mom woke me up and told me it was 2. Then my brother woke up like an hour later, and we watched this Patriots dvd that he had. And then we all watched Old School. I saw that movie once, but I don't remember anything after the first 10 minutes. So I'm pretty sure I passed out during it at someone's house. Cause we watched it at like 4 in the morning. So yea, but it was hilarious. So now I have nothing to do. But I'll figure something out.

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Time:	7:23 pm.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	Dashboarddddd.

Lallaalalala hopeless romantic mood is back, and stronger than ever. It's not as upsetting though. It's just... loneliness, you know? constannnt loneliness. Oh well. I love Dashboard Confessional. :)

Quiz that was fun to fill out. I don't care if anyone reads it I enjoyed doing it so there. :-P

The Perfect Guy:

Hair color: mm, i gues darker. but i mean, it could be light if he was hot. it dont matta

Eye color: mmm as long as they're pretty, i dont really care. but i'm such a sucker for blue or green eyes

Height: taller than me, lol

Six pack: that doesn't matter to me at all, cause i sure as hell don't have one

Long or short hair: mmm shaggy hair. give me, now.

Glasses: ehhh

Piercings: sure, not too many though

Scars: .....

Big butt or little: uhhhm, i don't really care

Buff or skinny: i don't like buff at all.

Funny or serious: both

Party or stay at home: both

Should he cook or bake: i don't really care.... but it would nice if he could cook:)

Should he have a best friend: sure

Should he have a lotta girlfriends: not A LOT. maybe a couple (i'm a jealous person)

Outgoing or shy: outgoing, yet shy is kinda nice too. i guess it depends on the person

Sarcastic or sincere: a little of both.

Should he love his mother: yeah

Should he watch chick flicks: haha only if i make him

Would he be a smoker: nah

Would he drink: yeah

Would he play with your hair: yarrr

One or more girls at a time: ew, just me

Would he pay for dates: i dont know

Does he kiss on the first date: i don't knoww!

Where would you go to dinner: anywhere with good food

Would he bring you flowers: once in a while maybe

Would he lay under the stars with you: sure

Would he write poetry about you: umm i guess, if he's that type of person

Would he call you hunny, sweetie, or baby: eh, i'm not a big fan of those. maybe a little

Would he hang out with you and YOUR friends: yea

Would you hang out with him and HIS friends: i hope so

Will he walk you to the door at the end: sure

Holding hands: yeah

Soccer: yeah

Basketball: i... guess....

Football: sure why not

Water polo: i dont know?

Surf: yea

Skateboard: yes

Snowboard: yeah

Sing: suree

Play guitar: mmmm oh god yes

Play piano: dont mind

Play drums: why not

Clean his room: when i come over yes

Paint, draw, sculpt: dont really... care

Writes his own music: that would be nice

Use the word dude: lol uh sometimes i guess

Use the word tight: ehh

Would he watch the sunrise with you: yeah

What kind of car does he drive: anything

How old is he: not too much younger or older than me

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Time:	4:05 pm.
Mood:	crappy.

I hate this vicious cycle of feeling like I'm someone's best friend, and then feeling like they hate me. Why can't anyone make up their mind. What the fuck, I hate feeling like shit all of the time. I just want to be happy. And maintain a good relationship with someone, even if it's just friendship. I guess I'm incapable of doing anything right.

I really don't feel like going to cheerleading in like an hour. What the hell, I don't understand why we have a game today even though there's no school. Ughhhh, I can't wait for this season to end, and most of all, for this retarded school year to end. God, I can't wait for the summer. That's all I want right now.

I hate being a bitch to people. But I feel like I can't help it. And it's everyone else's fault even though I know I'm just making this harder and more complicated than it really is. I feel left out of everything, and like a month ago I was included in everything. Nothing makes sense, I just want things to be good, and stay good. I don't think that's ever going to happen though.

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Subject:	One more turn, won't you come back to me?
Time:	7:44 pm.
Mood:	lethargic.
Music:	Thursday- Way All The Time.

My obsession with Thursday is growing every day.

Yeah, there is so much work I'm supposed to be doing right now for all of my classes. Mainly make up work. My parents are really guna flip when they see my report card. The sad thing is, I can't motivate myself enough to even care about my grades. I need someone to do everything for me. Lazy lazy lazy. I want to see Thursday live again. Mmmm how I love them. I finally got batteries for my cd player, and it makes me happy. :o)

Anywho, yeah my gym class has to do swimming. We have no choice, since my period doesn't have any freshmen, the teachers are making the sophomores swim. What the fuck?! I don't have any bathing suits that fit me or anything! Ughhhhhh I really really don't want to swim. It's not the actual ACT of swimming, cause that I don't mind. And we don't have to run every day. But it's the whole thing with bringing my makeup and shit to school, and bringing extra clothes, and a towel and all that. I really hate that. Again, with the laziness. I'm pathetic.

I need a boyfriend. Or at least some attention from the opposite sex. I'm really beginning to lose hope. This sucks.. I can't wait until I can drive. ANDDDDD I can't wait to see the new Real World/Road Rules Challenge show that is on tonight. God, I live for those shows. Maybe one day I will be on one. Hhaaha, yeah right. I'm way too boring for that shit. Mmmm, food.

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Time:

3:11 pm.

Well, I have certainly enjoyed this weekend. I wish all weekends could be like this one.

So, Saturday morning I had to be woken up early for my othodontist appointment, which I wasn't too happy about at the time, but eh... it went by fast. So it's all good. Then, my mom and I decided to get the coat I wanted from Delias, but they didn't have my size, so we went to The Gap for a similar one. They didn't have my size either, so we had the lady call The Gap in Maket Fair... and they had my size, so we drove there and picked it up and now I have a jacket! It's so nice and warm, I have been wearing it around the house all weekend. Hahaha

But anyways, then after that we decided we might as well go to Barnes and Nobles since we were right there, which made me happy. Because I got a white chocolate mocha... mmm... and finally picked up a copy of A Clockwork Orange. I havn't gotten the chance to read it yet but I'm excited to. The guy who i bought it from wouldn't stop going on and on about how great it is. Haha. Yeah, thenn we went to get an everything bagel with cream cheese mmmm, and it was just a wonderful morning.

Ok, so i basically just sat around the rest of the day, and then I saw Sarah had an away message up that said she might be seeing a movie, so I called her and we saw Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. It was really cute and I'm in love with Topher Grace. :o) He is simply adorable. Then we went to Friday's, which was really yummy and hilarious during some points. Thenn, we went to Barnes and Nobles, to the music section and I listened to the Thursday cd that has all of those live songs on it, and I really want to buy that. But anyways, just my luck, Chris Johnson and Henry show up. I just pretended to not see them. -gag-. Well actually, I don't know Henry, he seems nice but...... yeah. I'll stop now before I turn into a bitch. I then slept over Sarah's. It was a fun night.

This morning my daddy picked me up, I was thinking we were going to go to lunch but we went back to his place and had Chinese food, which I liked better anyways. ANNNNNNNDDDDDD he has the most amazing thing ever that I neeeeeed to get. He has the collection of Saturday Night Live dvds, from old episodes, the funny ones. And all of the best music performances. And it's just freakin awesome, and hilarious, wow. I want it.

So yeah. Tonight is the Golden Globe Awards and I wannnnnnnt the girl from Thirteen to win for Best Actress, but that is probably not going to happen. She's only 16 years old. Amazing. She was so good in the movie. And speaking of that movie, it comes out in two days. And I'm buying it. And I suggest all of you do too.

I also think everyone should own at least one Bright Eyes album. So if you don't already have one, get your ass out to Best Buy or something and buy one. Maybe you won't love Conor's voice (I sure do) but you will most definitely love his words. They're beautiful, he's beautiful.

I'm such a damn hopeless romantic. It better snow tomorrow. I think I'm guna go watch Finding Nemo or something. I'm very satisfied with my weekend.

IMPORTANT EDIT

I can't believeeeee I left this out. I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA THIS SUMMER! Yes, yes. I am too excited. Holy crap man, I can't wait. We're staying with my mom's best friend, Julie. And she has twin daughters, a couple years younger than me. But Julie is fun! And I'm so exciteddd. And my mom said there are soooo many concerts near where we are staying and I can pick one and stufffff. But like, I told her I still want to go to Stone Harbor, because I love it there too. And I like bringing a friend there. But she said she doesn't think we can do both. Oh well, I can always go there next year. But CALIFORNIA?! Hell yes.

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Subject:	There's something about the look in your eyes....
Time:	8:10 pm.
Mood:	lonely/upset.
Music:	Incubus- Echo.

I honestly don't think any person wants a boyfriend as much as I do. Everytime I think about, it hurts. It fucking hurts. I'm so deprived. Don't fucking complain about not having a boyfriend when you talk to endless amounts of boys, or even if you talk to a couple, or even have some guy friends, because I don't. And I don't feel love from anyone. And every time I hear this song, I get all choked up and practically cry.

Because I guess at least for... 3 minutes or however long the song is, I can pretend someone cares about me. It's just so beautiful, I wish I could share my feelings with someone. I seriously have so much to give. But no one to share anything with. And I constantly feel like I'm holding back. This is really really bothering me. I feel like, I'm not even given a chance to do anything. But so many people have been given a NUMBER of chances, and still complain. You're lucky. I would give anything to have someone.

-sigh- It's never going to happen I know it. And don't try to convince me otherwise because I can't name ONE guy who would potentially even consider being with me. It sucks, but it's true and I know it. :o( Crying every night is the only thing I can do to make me feel better about this.

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Time:	4:34 pm.
Mood:	nostalgic.
Music:	The Smashing Pumpkins.

I really do miss updating in this journal. Hmph, I really really want a cd burner. I know I could make all these incredible mixes and all I would do is sit around, making them, listening to them, maybe even making some for people. Only I don't really have anyone to make them for.

I love this song so much.

The more the change the less you feel. Believe, believe in me... believe... believe.

The Gauntlet season finale BETTER be tonight. Geez, they said it was last week but it just ended. And those things really anger me.

I feel like I need a completely new crowd. But it's so weird, because I really do care about all of my friends a lot. Right now I don't think I stand anyone but my family. What is wrong with me?

We never hang out as a group anymore. It's always just like... me and Sarah. me and Sam, or me and whoever. And I don't know why but whenever my friends do hang out in a group, I'm never exactly... there. Whatever, I know it's not on purpose. And I'm not even saying I want to be hanging out with them either. I don't really know what I'm trying to say.

I swear, if I had a Super Nintendo, a cd burner, and a boyfriend, I would be so satisfied. That is all I want. But it doesn't look like I'll be getting any of those things anytime soon. I'm just going to have to be content with what I have. Buuuut I don't know. I guess I'll go watch Requiem For A Dream again. I don't think I like the end of that movie at all. But not all movies can end the way you want them to. Mmmm, Jared Leto. :D

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Time:	10:57 pm.
Mood:	lonely.

Hmm, right now I feel like I can't stand anyone who I'm close to. I don't think people really understand how much I depend on them to make me happy. It's really stupid, I can't do this anymore. I wish I could just start high school all over again. I would do so many things differently. I hate this year. I can only intisipate it getting worse from here. I don't want that. I really really want a boyfriend. More than anything. I swear that is all I need right now. I need to feel SOME kind of love. I need to feel like I'm wanted... anything. Because everything in my life right now is lacking EVERY emotion that I'm thriving for.

Ughh, I can't stand certain people. And certain things. I don't think I have ever felt this alone in my entire life. When I'm around my friends, sometimes I just want to be alone. Yet when I actually am alone, I want to be with them again. And I'm constantly jealous of every single person out, having fun, wishing I could do the things that my friends are doing.

It's been yet another night of watching corny mid 90s teen flicks while stuffing my face with doritos. Makes me feel wonderful about myself. Meanwhile, I'm basically failing every class. I'm not even attempting to make my life any better. There's nothing I can do but watch. Watch everyone else have fun, and just hope that one day, I will be that happy.

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Subject:	Never guna get it right, you're never guna get it
Time:	8:20 pm.
Mood:	okay.
Music:	Brand New- Mix Tape.

I miss this journal. And i just got a request to update it soo, here goes:

Today actually wasn't bad. It sucked in the beginning but got better. THE GAUNTLET SEASON FINALE IS ON TONIGHT! Wooooo, i am so looking foward to eating my Goldfish Party Mix and watching that. Mmmm, how I enjoy Monday and Tuesday nights on MTV.

Sooo yeah. Lately I've been craving emo. GIVE ME MORE EMO. I don't even know why. When I got home i put on Bright Eyes for the first time in... months. And ughhhhhhhh I will never ever do that again because i love them too much. :o( and I fell in love with the song, "Lover I Don't Have To Love," all over again. Everything about it. EVERYthing he does with his voice. It's just amazing. :D

I just love music so much. Lol Saturday I was being such a stoner. i literally came home sooo fucked up, ate more than half of my Goldfish Party Mix box, and 4 pieces of this reallyyy good cinnamin toast. And then I watched half of Scarface, told my mom I'm going to bed but actually I put on Jimi Hendrix and sat there spacing out to the entire cd. When it ended i was like oh shit! what am I doing? and i fell asleep like two seconds later. Hahahahaaaa woooo. But smoking is bad. So no more for a long, long time. Yup.

I straightened my hair! and I didn't give up this time! haaaahaaaa i'm such a loser. Lataa

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Subject:	hmmm... some variety
Time:	8:46 pm.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	1979- smashing pumpkins.

Would You Rather......

1. have every CD you want or see all movies for free? have ever CD i want

2. wear shoes full of earthworms or a hat full of spiders? shoes full of earthworms

3. be a snowman or live in a sandcastle? live in a sandcastle

4. be caught singing in the mirror or spying on your crush? singing in the mirror

5. know it all or have it all? know it all

6. sneeze every 30 seconds or have to repeat everything everone says? sneeze every 30 secs

7. see the movie or read the book? depends

8. know when everyone else is lying or always get away with lying yourself? know when everyone else is lying

10. live on the bottom of the ocean or on another planet? live on the bottom of the ocean

11. open the door when someone's changing, or have someone open the door while your changing? open the door when someone's changing

12. be the president of the US or be a famous movie star? famous movie star

13. unwrap one big box or twenty little ones? twenty little ones

14. give or receive? both

15. sleep through christmas day or new years eve? new years eve

16. give up your computer or your phone? phone

17. be a dog named Killer or a cat named Fluffy? cat named fluffy

18. be a boy or a girl? boy

19. have 20 OK friends or 1 really good one? 1 really good one

20. eat only pizza or only chocolate cake? pizza

21. eat a food you dont like for a year or your favorite food for 20? favorite for 20

22. have one wish granted today, or three 20 years from now? one today

23. own a truck or a sports car? sports car

24. have 7 older brothers or 7 older sisters? 7 older brothers

25. be Santa or the Tooth Fairy? santa

26. have a crush on your best friend's boyfriend, or find out that he has one on you? eehhh.... have a crush and then try to grow out of it

27. go sky diving, or go to the movies? sky diving!

28. spill grape juice on your favorite shirt, or sing loudly on a crowded bus? sing loudly on a crowded bus

29. live on a houseboat or in a treehouse? houseboat

32. find an envelope marked "TOP SECRET" or 30 bucks? depends what was in the envelope

33. Meet your hero for 45 minutes or get no homework for a year? meet my hero for 45 minutes..... i don't do much homework anyways

34. always lose or never play? it depends

35. only speak 10 words, or speak a language none of your friends can understand? dang yo

36. end hunger or hatred? eehhhhh close one. but i would have to say hatred

37. be forced to lie to your best friend, or always tell the truth to your parents? always tell the truth to my parents

38. be allergic to money or music? money

39. have to say everything on your mind, or never speak again? have to say everything on my mind

40. find true love or a billion dollars? true love

41. smell like licorice or popcorn? licproce

42. have to hum all the time or mumble? hum

43. scream as loud as you can for half an hour or be silent for 3 days? be silent for 3 days

44. be locked in a department store or library? library

45. snore or sleep walk? sleep walk

46. be an ok singer or a great songwriter? great songwriter

47. playthe harp or the drums? drums

48. vegatables tasted like candy or traffic sounded like laughter? vegatables tasted like candy

48. be blind or deaf? blahh i don't know. i can never make up my mind on this

49. change your past or know your future? know my future

50. trade lives with your gym teacher or math teacher? math teacher

51. have an endless supply of snowballs or water balloons? i don't really care...

52. go camping or stay at home? go camping

54. never be sick or never be sad? never be sad

55. be a movie star or a rock star? rock star bitch

56. forget your name or everyone else's? forget my name. i could just have someone tell me or something. lol

dayum, this quiz ended randomly. oh well...

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	cause i wana be someone, who believes
Time:	9:30 pm.
Mood:	morose.
Music:	counting crows- mr. jones.

this whole entire cd reminds me of last year. almost every single song. it's so weird. the feeling that it gives me. i don't know. i miss everything so much.

i can't really describe it. or put it into words. i'm so bad at this. everyone has changed so much. and maybe i'm not one to talk because i too have changed a lot. but... it's not the same. and it's never going to be the same. it's not the same without sara b living here. or dan. or hanging out with everyone. we never hang out anymore. we never have fun anymore.

well, of course we do. but it's never the SAME. i never feel the same as i used to. i was always so fucking happy. especially at this time. this exact time last year. i had everything i wanted. i felt loved by everyone. i don't think i had ever been that happy in my entire life.

i don't know. i just miss a lot. this year it seems as though everyone is just lacking. lacking personality. it's all the same. every weekend. smoke, drink, get fucked up, and then hook up with a random person. with no feelings involved.

last year, every single weekend was fun. this cd. oh god.... these songs. i can't help but cry when i listen to this cd. ughh. i seriously remember everything that happened last year. how is everything so different? everything is so fucking different, to the point where i am sitting in a completely different room than i had last year. in a completely different place. with a completely different feeling. i never felt this way last year. i never had the problems that i have now last year. the people that i talked the MOST with last year, i barely speak a word with now. "hey" and "whats up" isn't the same. and it will never BE the same. and i just can't fucking except the fact that THINGS WILL NEVER FUCKING BE THE SAME. ever.

and anything could happen to me. anything good, anything. and i'll STILL be thinking about how muchh i just fucking want it to be last year again. and i feel like i'm the only fucking person who misses everyone, every memory, everything. and it's not even like i don't see these people every day at school, because i do, but nothing is the same. and it's so weird. and i hate this. what the hell.

i don't know what to think anymore.

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Subject:	pull your punches and burn with your cigarettes
Time:	3:06 pm.
Mood:	tired.
Music:	standing on the edge of summer- thursday.

mmm, ok soo this weekend wasn't bad. i just... can't wait for winter break. i honestly.... ugh i just can't fucking wait.

so anyways, friday was diversity day, and again, like last year, we all just ran out of the building after last period. it was so funny. as we were walking we could see all these people fleeing from the school. and then we all walked to aljohn's and it was sooo crowded. it was great. then we all walked back to the school cause we had to set up for the craft show. we were all pretty hyper and doing some random shit. lol it was fun though. i swear to god, allie was being so fucking funny... as usual. but even more this time. she made THE FUNNIEST face i have EVER seen. lmao. anyways...

then after allie, sam, and sarah all left... i went back inside to wait for amanda to get our of play try outs. we then walked to her house. it was such a cute house. there were so many decorations for christmas. it was nice. lol yes. then we ate some girlled cheese and chicken noodle soup, and waited for her dad to come home. and she played some avenged sevenfold for me. when her dad came back we got in the car and on the way there we listened to the alkaline trio cd. :o) it was fun. lol we were so pumped up. we even made up hand motions to Sleepyhead. it was so funny. hahahaha....

when we got there i was SMART and i brought my hoodie, because it was freezing out. amanda was like, no it's guna be so hot in there. im not bringing my sweatshirt. so we stood there in the cold for a good, 15-20 minutes. maybe even longer. and amanda had a small little tank top on. hahaha i was keeping her warm. we were looking around for alla or allie or anyone but no one was showing up. so we went inside and looked arouind some more, and waited in the front for alla, and i saw a girl wearing the same hoodie as me... and the security guard was like, "OMG you two have the same sweatshirt! WOWW!" haha. yeah.... so then we decided to give up searching for people, because we would probably find them later. so we went all the way up to the front, by the stage while the first band was setting up. we were so frekin close. i couldn't believe it. i have never been that close, ever. i was really excited. so then the first band played, Dearly Departed, and i actually liked them. they played really well. except the music was making amanda and i sad. it was really soft, everyone was ready for some angry music. lol.

in the middle of them playing, i see alla come through and she looks so cute with the glitter in her hair and shit. i was so happy to see her. we were liek AAAALLLLLLLLLAAA wooo. cause we were looking for her for so long. hahaha. yes. then after Dearly Departed, alla puked. soooo we went with her to the bathroom. and she felt better right away. so we went back to where we were, and watched nora played. i got some pretty kickass pictures. woot. anywho.... they played really well too. people were going crazy. it was insane. i got kicked in the head many times. and alla... ahaha. this guy stage dove RIGHT on alla's head. i saw him coming in our direction, and i was just like, "SHIT." haha damn. it was kinda funny though. and then i took a quick picture, looked behind me, turned back around and WHAM. i get knocked right on the side of my head sooooo fuckin hard. and i was just like... whoa. it hurt. haha anyways. then mid way through Nora, me and alla needed a break. so yeah, we sat in the bathroom. and then we all saw allie. and i stayed with alla because she really wasn't feeling well. and hell, neither was i. so we kept going back and then going back.

we barely saw any of avenged sevenfold, but what we did see i liked. they sounded really really good. i was impressed. and thenn, from autumn to ashesss came on and everyone just went crazy. it was really great. they played Reflections and Cherry Kiss, which were really the only two songs i knew, and i was glad they played them. anyways.... over all it was really fun. on the way home amanda and i slept. and then i came home and just passed out on my bed. fun time.

last night i saw mollie in her ballet recital of the nutcracker. she was soo good. and i liked a lot of the other dances. i had a lot of fun it was really good. and afterwards we went back to mollie's house which was fun. and funny cause a lot of funny stuff happened. her dog went crazy and ate like eveyrthing off of the tables. hahaa. anyways, yeah. this weekend was pretty good.

winter break in 5 days! eee!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	AAAHHHHHHHH
Time:	8:15 pm.
Mood:	blah.
Music:	what do you think.

i fucking love.... Alkaline Trio.

LOVE.

let me explain why.... :o)

Soon ends our stay here and it's been fun
So tonight I'll raise my glass to us
'cause we've talked so much
I think we filled this ashtray twice,
and I'm pretty sure we emptied
every bottle in the place, so

Let's walk home, let's be afraid
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard
Let's do it right under the streetlight
I want it now, somehow I forgot how

Then I'll come.. faster
Than I ever thought that I could run
Cause I..
I need you more than I ever thought
That I could need someone
Someone Someone Someone else

I want to wake up naked next to you
Kissing the curve in your clavicle
Kissing your clavicle

Been on top of the world since about 1 week ago
Marking a time when I was drunk enough to talk to you
I lost all train of thought as your eyes met mine

Well obviously you were busy, too busy for me
So this is how you leave me?
I'm broken hearted on the floor,
My tears seep through the crack under my door
Where I am locked in, shut down,
I'm so tired of picking myself up off the ground

So where are you my little needle?
The stack's been burned away
But I'm so inebriated that I cannot see
three feet in front of me
Between the moon and you, lunacy is setting in

Lately I've been feeling dead inside
Like my guts have dried up and died
But every night I water them back to life
yeah every night I water them back to life

plus many, many more. wooooo...

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