Sincereity is the New Irony's journal

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Saturday, August 16th, 2003
1:00 am
You know that celibacy thing? It never works for me. How does that Morrissey fellow do it?

This is probably me being Mr. Escapism. This new boy, though, is quite the thing. I've never felt so comfortable with someone I was also sleeping with. It's eerie really. Could this be a new era in the life of Jack??

current mood: dorky.
current music: Junior Senior- Good Girl, Bad Boy

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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
7:07 pm
Now I don't even want to mention tranny stuff on my livejournal, because there's new people reading it who think I'm a just a boy, period, no questions asked. I get such a thrill out of this, it's a sick thing.

My thoughts are occupied at the moment with
a- pirates
b- my shaggy ass hair

Nothin' new here.

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
10:06 pm
"I was thinking: some day when I am free, when I am out of this body, and in some city whose name I don't even know now, I will remember this from beginning to end and be free of it. " - Peter Straub, the Juniper Tree

Exactly. That is exactly how I have always felt and I had to read it in a book on a smoke break at work today. Why is it that I shove other people's words into my mouth to tell my story?

Peter Straub gets everything right, from that sentence to seeing "him" everywhere. I do see him, in my dreams, in crowds and in the face of every partner I've ever had. Maybe he can phrase it better then I ever could, maybe he can give these horrors a plot and a story because he hasn't felt them. Maybe explotation, like that SVU show I love so much. I can't believe that, though. Detective Benson would never be so spot on. I believe Mr. Straub has been there, onward and onward and onward, where no man before us bothered to go.

This song is about that story, by the way. Nick gets it right only because Peter did first. Nick Cave's darkness is self-inflicted, or, injected, if you will.

Everything is so bad today. I see the good and I give it a respectful nod, but no, not today.

Buffy ended. This fucking book. And then Erin, oh Erin, the love of my life? Thanks a bunch, kiddo. I might as well cry about everything all at once.

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Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
8:54 am
I know I have to stop taking things so personally, but I can't. Somebody's post on my LJ friends list made me cry, and it wasn't even about me. But it was about wishing death to what some of my friends are and what I might be. Call it an incomplete boy, if you will.

I know that it would be much easier to figure my shit out if I stopped listening to other people. I should stop needing love and acceptance from people who demand that I be all or nothing. That is bad for me, it makes me all borderlined out.

I'll never be the Perfect Tranny or the Perfect Non-Tranny. Oh, cry me a river. Now no one wants me.

current mood: tired
current music: Reverend Glasseye

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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
8:16 pm
I feel like I can't even talk about the gender stuff I've been going through without sounding like I'm denial, invalidating someone else, or a million other things. I just want to be sure, to have a nice label I can slap on me so I can put it on the shelf and forget about it.

However, I can't do that, and I can't talk about and I can nothing but stew and wait.

No one wanted to know I was trans and even fewer people want to know that maybe maybe maybe I'm not. I just have to say that my mother bought me a garter belt, which I had wanted for years pior to this one, and I think I'm going to wear it. Maybe I don't care if no one else sees this as drag, maybe I do.

I have a headache from thinking about myself for three weeks straight. When I felt my period punch me in the gut this morning, I knew it had been a month since I tried to kill myself, ended up in the hospital, and tore my entire world apart.

current mood: cry me a river.
current music: jandek.

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Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
10:05 pm
So I'm still here. Tomorrow, I go to campus mental health again to set up an appointment with a psychologist. I didn't tell them I was suidical, but I might at my appointment.

My biggest problem is my social anxiety. There are a lot of times that I can not even go to class or work because of it, and I need to know how to handle before I fuck my life up even further.

My mom is going to be so disappointed in me. When this stuff comes up, she looks at me as if to say "You're just like your father" and nothing hurts worse then that.

current mood: slightly better

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Monday, March 24th, 2003
2:00 am
I don't want to touch anyone. I don't want to be touched. I want to be alone.

I'm afraid that this won't last the rest of my life or very long at all, and one day I will wake up and be like, "How did I let that girl go?"

So that's where I am right now.

There is nothing comfortable about my life at this moment.

current music: Flaming Fire- Your Love Belongs to Me

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Thursday, March 20th, 2003
9:11 pm
On the Waterfront. Just the comfort I need in these troubled times, thank you AMC.

Mmm. [Note: My interest in this movie is completely disproportionate to my concern with it's plot.]

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Monday, March 17th, 2003
6:24 pm - I <3 the most recently updated journals thing.
hello;] my names Ashley and im fourteen. woot. add me if you like the following : instyle (magazine) girlish things, usher, swimming, reading, shopping, aol, writing. ahh thats all ;] actually, anyone just add me rofl. doesnt matter who. my journal = friends only though. anyways, just posting a litt,e ttyl everyone<33 comment ;]


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Sunday, March 16th, 2003
1:27 pm
Sometimes I talk really fast because I feel like what I have to say isn't worth taking up people's precious time.

So, uh, maybe I should take a hint from myself and just never talk.

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2:21 am
Geek Boy and I went to see Willard on Friday. It was a hundred kinds of fantastic. If there was any justice in this world, Crispin Glover would get an Oscar. I have an affinity for movies that use grosteque things as physical manifestations of the character's psyche, like Cronenberg did before he went all respectable on us, not to mention that it had that creepy children's movie vibe to it, like an old school Tim Burton movie.

Geek Boy, on the other hand, is not so fantastic. Somehow I seem to have gotten invovled with another fucked up teenage boy. I think he has told me 100 times in the past two days that he doesn't want anything serious and he doesn't like me, you know, like me like me all that much, which is either true and he's a jerk, or isn't true and he's being defensive. I really don't think I'm the man for the job of leading him to maturity, which is fine. I like him a lot, but I'm not really interested in anyone who isn't THE GIRL anyway right now.

Which is pretty scary.

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Thursday, March 13th, 2003
11:13 pm
This morning I was already freaking out walking down the street and then some high school shitheads standing outside the Lucky Market hassled me (the standard "are you boy or a girl?" shit, which scares me to no end). it's a good thing I don't carry a gun or there would be many dead high schoolers in my neighborhood.

But I'm feeling better again. I actually went out again to the Fassbinder fest (I couldn't help myself. Fassbinder makes me feel better more then I would care to admit). I got a lot done in the apartment today. So kudos to me. I'm scared of my roommate coming home, though. I hate not being able to be alone and always having to worry.

But yeah. I'm ok.

current mood: better
current music: The Golden Girls

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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
10:42 pm
This is long. I just need to talk, you don't need to listen )

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4:36 pm
Does anyone know if I can get t-shirts made cheaper? I feel bad because cafepress wouldn't let me make the price any lower. If I had a printer I'd print them up for free, but tragically, I don't. I say this because I, myself, can not afford my own t-shirts.

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Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
6:31 am
By popular demand, t-shirts, designed by yours truly

current music: The Cure- Close to Me

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Monday, March 10th, 2003
5:01 pm
It irritates me that people idolize James Dean's character in Rebel Without a Cause. That kind of macho honor bullshit is my total pet peeve. Sal Mineo's character is the real idol fodder. I want to make a t-shirt with a picture of him on it that says REAL HEROS ARE FEMME.

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Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
10:39 pm
Today Geek Boy and I skipped class to drink & watch the last two episodes of Smallville.

Hijinks enused. By which I mean, fooling around. I got my wish, thank you very much, and it was a damn good time and all within the bounds of my agreement with the Girl. Very nice.

My roommate has the whinest voice I have ever heard. Arrgh.

current music: David Bowie- I'm Deranged

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Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
5:23 pm
Isn't it funny that the initials GLBT are arranged in order of the hierarchy of those spaces? FUNNY.

I'm going to trans group again tonight, but I am somewhat apprehensive. I've been to the center a few times since last week, and everytime I see people who I knew back in my women's group days they're really hostile. Which is just want I need.

I'm starting to wish I could take it all back. The good feeling is way, way gone, will it ever return?

Meanwhile, the support front is still....lacking. Oh, friends, you're so great! Yes, girlfriend, I am deserve to feel guilty.

Femme fatales
and battered wifes.
I'm starting to agree with Rainer
- Maybe love is opression.

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Monday, March 3rd, 2003
10:21 pm - and it isn't just talk talk talk...
I have trouble seeing my future, by which I mean, I have trouble seeing that I have a future. The fact that I will go on living has not been assumed for me the way it has for most people.

I feel bad. I do not have a fatal disease, I am not in war torn country. I feel like I do not have not earned the right to feel this way. When I was a child, I assumed that one day, my father would finally kill me. Now I assume it's me who will do it. That one day, the guilt trips I give myself to stay alive will fail, my defenses will let me down and I will finally do it.

Who taught me this? Who taught me that the world finally wins out against people like me? My two best friends killed themselves when I was 14 and 15, respectively. Maybe that was it. Their lives were the-queer-dies-in-the-end melodramas, marked by promiscuity, tragedy and drug use. I've tried to write about, draw about, do something with the grief and terror that rests in my heart even now, but human "art" fails me, and their lives seem cheap. Their lives were not cheap, they were amazing. I don't know how I can make people know that the tragedy is that the world beat down two such amazing people until they couldn't go on. I am not half the man Benjamin was, so what does that say about my chances? Maybe that is why I'm afraid, and somehow certain, that I can't make it through this.

I am killing myself by failing school, screwing up my relationships, wallowing in my misery instead of working through it, smoking like a chimmney, drinking like a fish. I step in front of moving cars and take whole bottles of pills. I play a constant game with myself, in the process ruining a life I don't think I can function in.

It's not that I don't love the world and it's not that I don't love myself. We just don't seem to work well together.

current music: WFMU

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Sunday, March 2nd, 2003
10:46 pm
As much as I don't want to, I think I have to face the next stretch of my life alone. I love my girl, but the fact remains that I don't think we will ever really be together, in the most intense sense. There will always be these huge seperations between us no matter how much we love each other; recent events have resulted in just one more on the list.

We're together still in the superficial sense. She's fooling around on me, of course, but I think that's in the rules. And emotionally, I'm very, very alone. But, you know. The better to be all mine, my dear.

current mood: tired
current music: Echo & the Bunnymen- The Killing Moon

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