Final Post   
07:07am 21/11/2002
mood: depressed
music: Janis Ian - At Seventeen
Well, after realizing that I don't have the time to really keep up with this...and the fact that no one probably even reads this, this is my final post. So bye.
     Read 1 - Post
A Day of Rest   
12:46pm 20/11/2002
mood: drained
music: Spice Girls - Oxygen
Well, I decided when I woke up this morning that I needed to take a mental and physical health day today, so I didn't go to school this morning, and I won't be going to practice this afternoon. I know that's a lazy and irresponsible thing to do on my part, but I really needed it! After everything that happened yesterday...I really just needed to take a day to lay back and relax...and let all of this...muddling confusion in my head sort itself out. I mean, like this morning I could barely function enough to walk to the shower...and once I made it there I almost fell asleep standing up! So I just told my mom that I needed a day to myself and she just pretty much laughed at me, but in the end, I got my day...and now I'm going to spend it relaxing and thinking about everything. And then, it's back to the regular routine, tomorrow.

I need...   
10:32pm 19/11/2002
mood: blah
music: Dido - Thank You
Hey there everyone...well primarily, I need sleep...but being a bit of an insomniac does make that hard from time to time, but swimming every day does help me out with that. Today, practices were tough! That's right...TWO at 6 am, and another at 3:30! How horrible is that?? Definitely very horrible...well I think I'm beginning to handle the practices better now, because every day I'm getting less and less tired afterward, though, I still do get fairly tired. Hopefully soon I'll start losing some fat and developing muscle...the main purpose of this whole adventure. But...anyway...Coach said that we swam about 10,000 yards today! Isn't that just sickening? I mean, like a football field is 100 yards, so that's like running the length of a football field 100 times! That's like 400 laps in the pool in a single day! It's no surprise that I ate so much when I came home today!

The rest of my day was fairly dead...or...actually I was fairly dead the rest of the day. Getting up an hour and 20 minutes earlier than normal does that to you. Nothing really exciting happened except that I was chosen to represent our school in some Interscholastic Competition in English in December. I have to write a short story or something that's under 500 words in an hour and a half. I'm not sure if I can keep a story that short, but I'll give it a shot. I also have to write a 100 word response to a quote. Oh, well...just another thing to add to my list of accomplishments for college, right?

I need more emotional strength! Being sleep deprived really effects that and it's getting harder and harder to act strong and happy all of the time. I'm sitting here right now, depressing myself by listening to Celine Dion and Dido. While I love them both with a passion, their music just makes me want to cry. I realized today that I'm going to be spending Christmas alone, and though I really am used to this...I don't that I've like fully come to terms with my gayness and have dated guys, I guess I just thought that it'd be nice to have a boyfriend at Christmas time...someone to spend the holidays with, you know? I guess I'm just into all of that cheesy romantic stuff and everything, but still...I'm sure I'm not the only one. I think the best thing I can get for Christmas would be a pair of warm arms around me when I woke up that morning...not that I want some strange man to crawl into my bed in the middle of the night or anything like that. Sorry about all that...on Veterans Day (November 11) I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months, and though I try to act like it doesn't bother me, it does, of course. I always feel...I guess anxious is the right word...when I don't have a boyfriend. It just makes me depressed because I feel like a loser or something...and it lowers my self-esteem even more than normal, if that's even possible.

I feel bad though, because today my best friend and her boyfriend broke up, and I could tell that she cared so much about if you read this hunny...I love you! We'll get through this together! She did do the sweetest thing for me today, however...we were talking about our sadness and everything and then Christmas came up and she invited me to spend it with her and her mom...since my mom and I aren't really...close. I almost cried because it was just so sweet! I cry a lot though...especially fact, I'm crying right now. Oh life just seems to be like some kind of bad, sad, and depressing soap opera...oh! And you know what else I need? More time in the day, because I don't have the time to go to school, then practice, and then come home and get all of my homework done! I really do have too much stress for my age...and I wouldn't be surprised if I get my first heart attack at 20! Anyway...

Ja'ne...and oyasumi min'na
Short Post Today   
09:07pm 18/11/2002
mood: tired
music: None
Well, today was a pretty boring day...I just went through my normal school routine, then practice...practice was pretty rough today, because it was my first full practice, and then we lifted afterwards! Coach also decided that I'd make a good sprinter, so that's my specialty...and all I have to say is...sprinting sucks! It's a hell of a lot of hard work...well, I gotta go now...time for bed...6 am practice tomorrow morning...woo...

     Read 1 - Post
Oh...More Great News...*Sarcasm*   
09:19pm 17/11/2002
mood: depressed
music: Malcolm in the Middle (TV)
Okay...well this will probably be my last post of the night, so I hope you enjoy it...though I really don't think I'll enjoy writing it. Well, if I've learned one thing from my life, it's that life is nothing but disappointments. As it turns out, a whole bunch of my friends went to go see Harry Potter 2...the movie that I've been dying to see ever since I read the first word on the first page of that book...and someone was supposed to call me, but nobody did. WOW! Big surprise, huh? I'm left out once again! I was never invited to see One Hour Photo, when my friends all went and saw it like a hundred times, I didn't get to see The Ring when everyone else has seen it, and now, Harry Potter!

Well, I guess it doesn't matter that I'm going to be going to college in Boston...they won't miss me, or anything. Oh well...ja'ne.
04:37pm 17/11/2002
mood: blah
music: Phantom of the Opera - Masquerade
Well...I was right about today...just one of those days when you want to shoot yourself...and all that. I spent the past couple of hours playing Chrono Cross, and now I'm back to working on my Biology. I really don't like meiosis. Not at all.

Just out of there anyone else out there who thinks that water tastes better after ice has melted in it? And how about pizza tasting better when it's cut into squares?
My Life Is Sad and Boring...   
12:51pm 17/11/2002
mood: lonely
music: Gackt - Kimi No Tameni Dekiru Koto
Well people, I guess the subject line says it all. Luckily, since today is Sunday, I don't have practice so it gives me a day to recover. I woke up at 9:11 this morning...a strange habit of mine, now a days, and my entire body was screaming with soreness. Even now, I can barely move my shoulders, but I guess that's just something I have to deal with, since I was the one who wanted to be a swimmer, right? It'll only get better with time, I suppose. It's just sad that I'm so sore, when I haven't even been allowed to stay for an entire practice yet! Coach is slowly building me up...starting with just warm-up, then warm-up and drills, then warm-up, drills, and the main set, and so on and so on. He probably doesn't want me to

Harry Potter has been in the theaters for three days now, and I still haven't seen it! You don't know how upset this is making me!!! I was all excited because I thought I was going to see it opening night, but then my ride had to fall through, and I ended up chaperoning an ice-cream social with my best friend at her church. It wasn't exactly my idea of an exciting night, but watching a bunch of seventh-grade girls isn't a picnic in the park either. There's probably been about a hundred movies I've wanted to see, but never could because I could never get a ride, and by the time they come out on video, I usually forget that I've wanted to see them...or I just don't have the money to rent them.

Okay, it's only a quarter to one and I already feel like this is one of those days were just want to take a gun and put it to your head to end it all. It's just never a good sign when you wake up at 9 in the morning, roll out of bed, see that you have no away messages from anyone when you only went to sleep at 10:30 on a Saturday night, and then start doing homework because that's all you have to do to occupy your time. The most exciting thing to happen to me so far was that I took a shower...and that's something that I do everyday...and I have a feeling that still is going to be the highlight of my day when I go to bed tonight. But I guess none of this is really a big surprise to me, when I only have 6 people on my buddy list...and only one or two of them actually talk to me on a regular basis. I mean, when I took my shower this 45 minute shower...I came back and realized that I didn't put up my away message...but it didn't really matter because no one had IMed me in that time.

Okay...well that's my rant for this morning...if anything exciting, besides my shower, happens today, I'll be sure to let everyone out there know. Until then...ja'ne!
My First Post   
07:24pm 16/11/2002
mood: bored
music: New Radicals - You Only Get What You Give
Hey everyone! This is my first post, and I don't really have much in particular to say. Well, I suppose I can just go on about my day for a while, since I have nothing else to do. This morning I had to get up at 8:30, since I had swim practice at 9. I just joined the swim team this week, even though swimming season began at the beginning of the month. This was only my second it was pretty hard. I had to run for 20 minutes and then lift for 20 minutes. After that, it was into the pool for me! Now, at my school the swim team is known as a sadistic cult, but actually, it really isn't as bad as I thought....though the practices are definitely tough. I mean, for warm-up alone I had to do a 400 freestyle (16 laps), 200 with a kick board (8 laps), 200 pull (and I hate pull! For those of you who don't know, you put this foam thing between your legs and just use your arms to swim...but the foam thing keeps popping out of my legs!!) and another 100 freestyle (4 laps). And like I said, that was just the warm-up! After that we did breast and fly drills. It was my first time trying fly, and I bet I looked like a complete fool! I couldn't do it at all!! After drills it was time for the main set, which I won't even begin to describe. All you have to know was that I was incredibly exhausted after that! Luckily for me, since it was my second day, Coach let me stop I didn't have to do the sprints, warm-down, and water polo. Instead, I got to take a long, hot shower, get changed and eat doughnuts! I had to have inhaled three in under a minute! I was starving. And after I got home, I had an entire bowl of Ramen! The whole reason for me joining the swim team was to lose some weight and develop a better body, but if I keep getting hungry like that and eating so much, just the opposite might happen! But other than swim practice my day has been pretty uneventful. I've been waiting to see Harry Potter, though! I can't wait until I'm finally able to go! I also want to see The Ring and Ghost Ship, and just about a million other movies. I'm a total movie addict, I could watch them forever!

Well, thanks for reading this and unless something else happens to me today, I'll be back tomorrow! Ja'ne!
     Read 2 - Post