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tear it down

[ website | pride not shame ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

when will i get it right? [02 Oct 2003|12:53am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | dmb ]

i thought i would update this. im depressed. lately it seems i cant do anything right, and because of it, im hurting people for whom i care about. i dont know. what do i do? i try to change, but for some reason i always end up being the same old fucking loser. and i have no one to blame but myself. i try to fix it on my own, and of course, it gets me nowhere. i hate myself for this. ive been this way my whole life. and i cant stand it. i wish i could do things right. that would make things so much easier. i wish there was more time in the day to do things that i want to. a lot of times things end up taking a lot longer than i expect, or than they should. but i cant estimate that because i have no idea. and when they end up taking a lot longer, i feel horrible. but i cant do anything about it. then it ends up hurting the people i care about. which makes me feel worse. maybe i shouldnt be here. i dont know. its stupid to think that way, but these feelings get the best of me sometimes. i hate being wrong. i hate messing up. ive messed up my whole entire fucking life. at least ive been that by my peers in the past. but then those same people tell me to keep going. and now that things have changed in those instances, my feelings have not. its not easy being told for 20 years that u dont amount to anything. not by my parents, but of course, parents arent supposed to tell u those things are they? its the people that have the biggest influences on ur life. your friends. middle school, high school. they decide how they want to see u, and dont let u be urself. and if u are, then u get put down. what the fuck. since ive been in college, that hasnt happened. but i also havent been able to change. and it kills me. i hate myself so fucking much for it. and to sheree, i give my utmost respect. she has put up with my stupid bullshit for so long. and now i am worried that ive gone too far. i keep telling her i will change. and i want to. god knows i want to. but can i? i dont know. this is nothing that a quick cut wouldnt fix. but i cant do that. i would be missed. or would i? i know i would by a select few. but can i overcome all this? god i hope so. if i cant, i dont know how much longer i can take it. sheree, if u read this, i know it doesnt change things. im not asking it to. i just want to say im sorry. sorry for putting u through so much of my shit. i wont give up. i will continue to try to change. but i know that i dont deserve u. u are my stronghold. u are my rock. to lose u would be to lose my life. internally i mean. but i hate myself for putting u through bullshit u dont deserve. y cant i change? please tell me. anyone. help me. stop this pain within. its killing me. i know that there are people out there worse off than i am, but the thing is, this is the first time that ive had something that could work. and im so afraid that i will fuck it up, because thats all i am. i find ways. im jealous. im jealous of the people that have it so fucking great. fuck u all. u make me sick. walking around with everything being perfect. y cant i be like u? fuck u. y did i have to be made into this monster that cant control shit? y? i am not giving up. i refuse. but i know if i dont get my act together i will lose what i have been fighting for my whole life. my exsistence, my soul, my life, my love, my true love, my soul mate, my angel. are there angels? yes. i have one. but i might lose her. then where will be the white doves? the sweet music? the serenity? where? i dont know. all i know is that i have to change. fuck me. fuck me for being so retarted. fuck me for being so insurcure. fuck me for my faults. i hate this. sheree, i am sorry. sorry with all that i am. with all my heart and soul. i dont blame u for being mad at me. i really dont. i dont want sympathy with this entry. fuck sympathy. if u want to give me sympathy, kiss my ass. this is me. this is the loser. this is the life of a loser. im living it. fuck me. sheree....please forgive me. u are my angel. u are my life. u are my soul. u are my existance. my angel. my angel. im not asking for forgiveness right now. im not asking for it a week or month or year from now. but i am asking for it. sometime. without u i am nothing. it sucks cause i have only realized it after fucking up. thats when u realize what u have. when u fuck it up, and lose it. or come close to it. im shaking. im broken. im useless. sheree, i love u girl. u are my everything. im sorry. this is long enough. i hope u read it. i know it wont solve anything. but maybe? i doubt it, but i need to vent. there is no one to talk to. not person to person. no one to help person to person. ill end with this, like ive said before. sheree, i love u. i love u i love u i love u. more than life itself. i would die for u. i would kill for u. i would die by the hands of anyone to protect u. u are my angel. my white doves. my sweet music. my life. my exsitence. my soul. my heart. i love u.

1 | post comment

ahh yes, a once in a lifetime surprise [29 Sep 2003|07:02pm]
what up freaks? im really bored, so i thought i would update this thing. this weekend was pretty good. i spent it with my girl. we went to the mall, where i got a taking back sunday and afi t-shirt. then we went out to eat, then went walking on some trail that sheree calls riverwalk. it was fun. we didnt argue either, so that is a plus. i think we are getting better at that. anyway, other than that things are ok. im really tired. didnt get much sleep last night. oh well. hopefully ill sleep a little better tonight. we will see. anyway, im outta here. take care all. peace out. love u sheree.
1 | post comment

a long time coming [10 Sep 2003|02:48pm]
hey honey. this is just for u. i know its been a long time since ive updated, and i know that ive promised u i would, so now, here i am, updating for ya. well, lets see, not much is going on. just school school school. i get to see u tomorrow, so that is good. i cant wait. im supposed to be doing homework, but i thought i would go ahead and update this thing first. the band is doing great. our demo is finally done. its 5 bucks to get one. u can go to my website to order one. they are really good. other than school, my g/f, and my band, nothing else is really going on. just the same old shit. well sheree, i would make this longer, but im talking to u now, and i have to go to class at 3 (in 10 mins) so i want to talk to u some more. i will update this thing later on. hopefully. hahaha. we'll see. anyway, peace out cheese girls and cheese freaks
1 | post comment

"sadness is filled with sorrow, but also with love. without love, there is no sadness" [30 Jul 2003|11:24pm]
[ mood | naughty ]
[ music | taking back sunday ]

hey all. i just wanted to say that i love sheree very much, and i miss her like crazy. we havent seen each other in a long ass time, and i miss her. so see sheree, i update this thing. sometimes. hahaha. i miss you honey. other than that, nothing else has been going on. just work work work. and my band. we are cutting our demo this weekend. there will be 5 songs on it. the cost will be about 4 bucks. ill have more info on my website. its www.pnsband.com. aight peeps, peace out. love you sheree and miss you

2 | post comment

pissed at our royal gov't. [11 Apr 2003|08:29pm]
[ mood | angry ]
[ music | boy sets fire ]

hey all. thought i would post again. sheree and lindsi, tell other peeps to come read this one. haha. its good. anyway, here goes. i have some distrubing news about our so called awesome gov't, and this so called war we are in for freedom. the war we are in is not for freedom, yet oil. and if u dont believe me, read further. dont believe what our gov't and our media are telling you. instead, go out and learn the truth. our media just wants to get the american people to back an american policy that is filled with lies. why is this war for oil? lets see. our oil industry, whether it be gas, or oil for machines, or whatever, brings in billions and billions to our gov't each year. when prices started going up, people started not buying. causing this industry to lose millions. and in turn, our gov't losing millions. yes, most oil comes from Iran, but too bad they are ruled by iraq. we are apparently going to war because iraq has weapons of mass destruction. well then, if that is the case, lets go to war with china, russia, germany, france, britian, etc etc. yup, they have them too. hell, even the good old u.s.of a has them. so why not attack them? cause they dont have oil. thats why. but yet our gov't wants us to believe that we are doing the world a favor by knocking out iraq. while that may be true, we have a lot of enemies, any of which could launch an attack on our precious soil at anytime. dont get me wrong, i love the u.s.a, and i love democracy, but when our gov't lies to people just to get their way, thats unfair. and against the principle this country was founded on. that is justice and liberty and honesty. but our gov't is too pussy to let the people who elected them in office find out the real reasons why we are in war. its bullshit if u ask me. this even goes back to vietnam, when the president admitted he was wrong for going into the war. but did the american people know that? nope. he never told them. just his officials who later spilled the beans about it all. kinda fucked up huh? it is to me. anyway, like one of my fav bands always says (boy sets fire), protest is patriotism. dont sit back being idle and not having ur word heard. if u care about this country and what it stands for, speak out against the wars we have no business being involved in. after all, it is ur first admendment right to be able to say whatever u want to say, and not be held liable by our gov't. at least that is what ur supposed to do. but too many people are too scared to do anything about it. just a thought people. give ur mind a work out and decide whose side are u on. one that hides the truth to get their way and is only moved by money? or one that loves this country for the reasons it was founded on. im out all. im writing the same sort of message on my bands website within the next few weeks. www.pnsband.com. our band stands committed to freedom, but will not stand for lies and betrayal. peace out all.

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[10 Apr 2003|05:11pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

what up? im in a weird mood. just figuring some things out in my head. they are kinda bad, but ill get over them. just have to get them out of there. so im going now to try to do that. get my mind off of things. maybe go smoke a cig and go hang out with some friends. that usually does the trick. aight peeps, peace out. well, ok, 2 peeps. haha. ree and lindsi. even if u read this. peace out my 2 peeps.

2 | post comment

ummm...hell if i know [09 Apr 2003|11:11am]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | chevelle ]

ok, im signing this crap. but i dont know what to say. im really bored. im in-between classes right now. got my next one at 2, and we have a test in it. so im going to have to make this kinda short anyway. well, lets see. me and my girl are doing well, at least i'd like to think so. i hope she thinks the same way. shes wonderful to me. my band is doing ok i guess. well, ok, considering the fact we havent practiced in almost 2 months. but hopefully by the time summer hits, we will be up and running again. at least we better be. ha. ok sheree, i hope ur happy. i did this for u. if u get this, email me. also, remind ur mom to call mine about the trip. if u see this before u leave for school. i love you girl. aight peeps, i dont know anyone else, and i dont think anyone else will be reading this cept for sheree, or else i'd send my love your way also. peace out

4 | post comment

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