Klee's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Klee [ website | deadxpoetic ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Make Note: [22 Nov 2003|10:33pm] My journal is now HERE. This will be abandoned. post comment

extremely long, whiny entry [17 Oct 2003|01:53pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | dead poetic x tell myself goodbye ] I'm going slowly insane. Each day it builds up just a little more, a little more. Every night when i go to bed, i think about how empty i feel. I make a very great effort to not regret anything in my life, because regret is a downer and it's a waste of time. But i really regret taking this job so quickly. I wish i would have given it time. It was the first job i applied to, but because i'm afraid to let anything go, i lept into it without a second thought. I could have said, ok this is on my list but i don't want to leap into it. I want to look around and see what other options there are. And i'm sure he would have understood that. But i was so sure that this was some kind of dream job. It took working here to find out that it is SO not. I'm not a techie. I'm not an advertising exec. I'm not a website technician. I'm an artist. And this is not art. I was lead to believe that i was being hired as a graphic designer. And all i do is sit here all day and interlink listings, and check site stats. It's bullshit. Even when i do get to make graphics, all i'm doing is getting some photos of some business, putting them together in a half-assed collage, slapping some text on it and uploading with some cookie-cutter site editor. He always says we're going to start some big project. We never do. I have to offer to make graphics for people on blurty or whatnot for free, just to feed the need i have within me to create. I have to enter online contests, or just make random graphics for myself. Its the same thing every day. I wake up discusted with the fact that i have to get up so early in the morning just to sit and do nothing for 7 hours. I sit and clock-watch until noon when i go home, turn on Comedy Central and eat some ramen noodles. Then at 1 i come back and clock-watch until 4. It's like Dilbert, only not funny at all. I actually miss high school. At least there was some variety in my day. I wish i could quit. I wish i had the financial stability to quit. I wish i had the cajones. I have this absurd sense of loyality. Which is odd, considering i'm starting to really dislike my boss. Everything about him irriates me. His voice grates on me. I just want to kick him in the teeth sometimes. Which is probably pretty typical, all things considered. He's so goddamn excited about everything. This isn't that great. Its a fucking e-commerce site. Lewis & Clark is boring as far as i'm concerned. And he expects me to care. He's always asking if i wanna come to the little company BBQ or some other equally stupid shit. Like i should be part of this little corporate geek family he's got going. I don't need a fucking family. I can barely stand the one i've got, why would i want another one. I don't wanna be pals. I just want to collect my paycheck and go home. I dont want my work to be my life unless i enjoy my work. The only thing keeping me here is Cole. If i didn't have him, i would give up. I'd quit and move back to my parents' house. So considering that he doesnt really have any other choice but to attend school here, there is one good thing about this job. It brought me here and gave me a reason to move here, and be near him. But that's the only good thing about it. I feel like i'm stuck. I'm unsatisfied, unfulfilled, empty, & numb. 3 comments|post comment

[16 Oct 2003|10:22am] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | the dandy warhols x you were the last high ] Jesus Christ, if you don't think Slayer is hardcore, there's something wrong with you. Especially if you'd rather headbang to Avril. Fucking eh. Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, etc., are evil and do suck. It's not a matter of being different from what everyone else says. I'm so fucking sick of these idiots who disagree with everyone just for the sake of going against the grain. They don't have a reason, they just have to be different or they'll fucking die. Because we all know that if you agree with anyone else on the face of the planet then you're a poser and a loser and everyone will hate you! God, die in a fire. I dunno, maybe its just me, but my musical taste is based upon actual musical talent. It really comes down to the basic structure of the music itself, the notes, the chords, the lyrics, and so on. And whether or not someone sucks at being a musician isn't, contrary to popular belief, a matter of opinion. It's fact. A person is either good or bad at what they do. You can not like a particular style of music for whatever reason, but people throw around "so-and-so sucks" way too freely. I mean face it, you can not like Hendrix for whatever reason, maybe you're not a fan of the style he plays or whatever. Fine. That's called personal taste. But you can't deny that he is the greatest guitarist in the entire history of the world(the man invented two chords that didn't previously exist for christ sakes!). You can not like Nirvana, but you can't deny they changed the face of rock. People don't know anymore how to distinguish between liking a style of music and respecting someone as an artist. And, on a not quite related note, stop fucking telling me what's "goth" or "punk" or whatever, because i don't fucking care. If i wanna label myself, i fucking can. You can't. I'm sorry you can't, but thats just the way it is. 2 comments|post comment

[15 Oct 2003|09:57am] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | aimee mann x nightmare girl ] I'm in a much better mood today. Cole's tattoo is quite awsome indeed. I would go so far as to use the word "bitchin". Of course, due to financial constraints, it's just the outline of the skull and the spider legs. But it's still bitchin'. Hopefull he can scrounge up enough cash to get the rest done soon. I can loan him some money but he needs like $190. That's a little much. I think his dad will probably lend him some though. I'm excited about my tattoo. I also decided i'm going to add something else to it sometime down the road. I'll just get the words right now, but eventually i want to add a robot standing on the letters, holding a human heart. It'll run up my upper arm. The robot is one i drew from looking at a Silverstein album cover. I wish the weekend would get here. I hate my job. It's boring. The guys have a show at the Buck's Club this saturday. It won't be fun though because this is the first show since Josh left for college. Its not fun without Josh. Maybe Shawn will come. I hope so. Red Bull gives you wings. 2 comments|post comment

[14 Oct 2003|11:29am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | dead poetic x bliss tearing eyes ] Why do i have to be like this? You would think that if i knew the problem i'd be able to fix it if i really wanted to. So then that begs the question, do i really want to? But why wouldn't i? It doesn't make any sense. Of course i wanna fix it. I want to do everything in my power to make certain that Cole is happy, that i'm happy, and, most important of all, that we're happy together. So then why do i keep doing this? Why do i keep reverting back to being unthinking, unfeeling, and self-centered? I manage to upset him some how. We fight about it. It all comes back to my not thinking about anyone but myself. I cry my eyes out. I say i'll make a conscious effort to step outside myself more often and be considerate. And then what happens? I half-ass thinking and caring for a few days and then i'm back to the way i was. I'm putting myself through this. Why is it so goddamned fucking hard for me to just change?? And the hardest part is that last night over the phone i could tell that he was crying too. Because he loves me so much, with all his little heart. And i keep doing this to him. To us. Thats the worst part. 2 comments|post comment

[14 Oct 2003|09:43am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | the dandy warhols x you were the last high ] I've decided on a tattoo. It's not even amazing like i thought it would be. I'm going to get the words "bleed for me", just like that in lower case letters, in a font i still need to pick out, on my arm just above the elbow. It's from the song Bliss Tearing Eyes by Dead Poetic, a song that seems to have been written about me and what a rotten person i am. It's perfect. post comment

[13 Oct 2003|09:44am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | frank sinatra x strangers in the night ] Cole is getting his tattoo this evening. Well, the beginning of it anyway. It's so awsome. He came up with it himself. We went in yesterday to see what Rob had drawn up. Fucking awsome. It's a skull with its head tilted back and its mouth wide open. There are membranes stretching between the teeth and behind the membrane is an eye. Eventually, there will also be a background of skelital legs, clouds and lightening. It's all going to be in grey wash except for the eyes of the skull which will be glowing blue orbs. It's going on his chest. Now i just wish i could come up with something i really want. Oh yea, i forgot. We went and saw Underworld on Friday. It was pretty cool. I think it must have been that i was really tired but all through the first half i was dreadfully bored. But it got really good. All through the opening fight scene, it was like, whoa major Matrix one lobby scene flashbacks. No one seems to be sticking to the Bram Stoker vision of the vampire. What's the deal? ( Movies cont'd ) post comment

[10 Oct 2003|11:21am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | dandy warhols x you come in burned ] Since i'm so mind-numbingly bored, i'm going to list as many bands, and as many movies, that i really like as i can think of. Someone else did this (i cant remember who) but its good. Gets all your ducks in a row. ( Bands/Movies ) I'm sure i'll think of more. 1 comment|post comment

[10 Oct 2003|09:16am] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | dead poetic x bliss tearing eyes ] [EDIT] The lj is still the art journal, and now i have a GreatestJournal. Anyone else have one? I'm deadxpoetic. Add me :D [/EDIT] Ok i hunted through the FAQ and figured out how to reactivate my lj. Thank goodness. I still wanna change the user name though. You need a rename code for that dont ya? God codes codes codes! Livejournal is fucking stupid. I think i'm gonna get a greatestjournal. I'll be back. 1 comment|post comment

[09 Oct 2003|04:10pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | dead poetic x a green desire ] I'm a fuckhead. I wanted to change my lj username right? Long story short = i deleted my lj. Fuck fuck fuck. Those of you who have a lj, i need a code. Please oh please. If you just got your lj, i think you have to wait like a week before you can generate codes. But thats fine. I just need a code. That was going to be my art journal. Grr. 2 comments|post comment

[09 Oct 2003|01:24pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | dead poetic x august winterman ] Oh my god, you guys!! Look at this! I'm so buying everything on that site! I WANT! All of them, but especially the pink and black ones. *Kaycee ~lj 6 comments|post comment

i got an LJ! nah nah! [09 Oct 2003|09:42am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | coldplay x the scientist ] Murran gave me an lj code! woohoo!! So this journal will be left to stagnate. lol probably not. i dunno, i might post the same thing in both. different people look at them. i dunno. Anyways, if we're friends and you've got an lj, add me: gasolineslurpie So anyway... My next door neighbor was having sex last night at midnight. Very loudly. Midnight on a Wednesday. Kind of a strange time to be awake, much less engaging in strenuous physical activity. I'm not judgin', i'm just sayin'. Maybe i'm too used to the 5 day work week. Damn you, work! Everyone loves the Breakfast Club. But you know what i always hated about it? At the end when Molly Ringwald "makes over" Ally Sheedy into an acceptable member of society. I liked her before! At least she was interesting. *Kaycee ~lj 1 comment|post comment

[08 Oct 2003|03:11pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | afi x the great disappointment ] Thankgoodness, the sodding cock goblins have left me alone all after noon. Brent really gets on my nerves. He's just so high strung. (and not too bright) I don't like folks who get giddy. You get giddy, you put someone's eye out. My leg hurts from all this blasted sitting :\ Here's what i've done today: 1. renewed domain names 2. ...... oh the humanity. i did get to make a neat watery-type-graphic thingy for me mummy. She was ever so greatful. And i got to learn to do new and amazing things in photoshop. I had snowballs for lunch. The hostess snacks, not actual snow. jeez, you guys. Josh, my little goat lover, has finally erected (haha, i said erect) his domain. The peasants are rejoincing at this very moment. I'm such a blithering idiot today. post comment

[07 Oct 2003|03:32pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | christina aguilara x fighter ] You know what i've realized? I'm not happy. I go on and on about how great this job is. And in all accuality, it is. But i'm bored. This isn't what i want to do. I don't want to build cookie-cutter business listings. I don't want to fight all day with Microsoft Word. I don't want to make endless lists of Google seach results. A trained monkey could do what i do here. You wanna know what i want to do? I'll tell you. I want to create. I want to express myself. I want to concieve of amazing and wonderful digital works of art, and give birth to them with love and gusto. And i wanna get paid for it, damnit. And so. I will. 2 comments|post comment

[06 Oct 2003|10:10am] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | rancid x fall back down ] Let's make a list of all the things Bush can't find: 1. The white house leek 2. Weapons of mass destruction 3. Saddam Hussein 4. Osama bin Ladin 5. A link between Saddam Hussein & Osama bin Ladin 6. The guy who mailed the anthrax 7. His own butt with two hands and a flashlight. HAHA. word to that. George Carlin was hilarious, as expected. Here's the ultimate way to open a show: "You know what nobody talks about in public anymore? Pussy farts!" Well, my stars, you know, that's true! They don't! ( Here's a fun survey, because i have nothing more to say to you people. ) post comment

[05 Oct 2003|02:53pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | christina aguilara x beautiful (in my head) ] ( Entertain your brain ) 3 comments|post comment

[04 Oct 2003|08:08pm] [ mood | guilty ] [ music | the tv ] I fucking broke Cole's guitar. I mean, its not like the tone is fucked or it can't be played, the tip just broke off of the headstock. But i still feel awful. He trusted me to carry it. As i was coming up the stairs to the porch at his house, the fucking dog jumped up on me and i lifted the guitar and it banged against the roof of the porch. Cole's dad is confidant he can make a replacement tip and fix it just fine. But still. Cole built that guitar himself. It took him a year. He trusted me with it. And i fucking broke it. He's bummed i can tell. Not angry at me, just bummed in general. I feel like shit. 2 comments|post comment

[03 Oct 2003|11:57am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | nine inch nails x hurt ] This week is homecoming week for the university. Oh joy. On a normal weekend in this college town of mine, it is pure hell. At least for those of us who are not football fans. They added 8,000 more seats to the stadium this summer. Patrons fill up every parking lot on campus and every street around campus. They park all the way up and down East Broadway, past my place, past the entrance to the internstate. And when the game lets out, it is absolute pandimonium. Its a mass exodus of maroon-clad, big-foam-finger-wearing neanderthals, with their RVs full of kids and beer. There are actually sick, twisted individuals who own season passes and fight crowds to attend every game, every weekend. Its just college football, people. And this week is homecoming week. It's going to be 47 times worse than usual. Cole not only has to march at the game, but tonight with the allumni band and in the parade. I'd choke myself on my instrument if i were him. Or at least jump off a high surface and break both my legs. We have the lines for the George Carlin show to look forward to on Sunday. At least i have the benefit of sleeping through the chaos. Poor Cole. 2 comments|post comment

[02 Oct 2003|09:20am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | coldplay x the scientist ] Cole's mom came down from Kalispell last night for his birthday and she took us to HuHot <3<3. It was lovely. I got this ungodly desert. My couch was delivered yesterday. wee. Cole and i were showering last night. There was some hippity dippity that led to the shower rod being pulled down. We fixed it. Kind of. Oops. After paying my rent, putting away money for taxes and buying George Carlin tickets, i have 99 bucks to live on for two weeks. I think i can manage. I decided not to fill the perscription Alexis wrote out for me because i wasn't really experiencing the symptoms it was mean to treat anymore anyway. Plus I'm cheap. Go me. post comment

[30 Sep 2003|02:15pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | afi x the leaving song pt 2 ] So Cole calls me up at 11 last night, "Well i just got back from the Godsmack show." Oh! Well fuck you too. I guess they were recruiting college kids to be equipment bitches and haul instruments and stuff. Cole had a paper to write so he couldn't do it. But then his buddy in marching band is like "well i did it and i got an extra ticket to the show, you want it?" So he got to go! It's one thing if its too late and i cant go and whatever. But then someone, my own boyfriend, gets to go for free. I'm not mad at him, it just sucks. I'd be mad at him if i wouldve been in town and he went anyway. But i wasn't even in town so you know. And he's all, oh it was awsome! God, shut up. Thats two really cool shows i've missed in the past year. But anyway, we're still going to see George Carlin on sunday. And the Violent Femmes are playing a Halloween party at the Wilma on November 1st. I'm so going to that fo sho, foo. Oh yea, my doctor's appointment was boring. She just gave me some meds for my sinuses and my headaches. She said my urine looked fine. Well it would, i don't have an infection right now, convenient as that is. Oh well. And i went to the HS and visited some teachers. I visited with my old art teacher for almost an hour. Good times. And i talked to my senior government teacher and was like, yea i'm probably not ever going to college now that i have this great job. And he goes "Oh well nobody every learned anything from going to school anyway." LOL. He's great. So that was fun. Tomorrow is Cole's birthday. I'm gonna leave him a nice note on his door to find when he gets done with marching band. Hopefully it'll cheer him up a little. Lydia: Your birthday present is finally in the mail! I suck. Hope you like it! 2 comments|post comment

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