Sunday, October 15th, 2006
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10:58 pm - Wow
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I found this page through Google. I had no memory of its existance.
So much Core wreckage.
I'm gonna go cry and feel small now.
current mood:  crushed
current music: 'Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner'--Warren Zevon
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Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
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12:42 am - RIP Joe.
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'And when it breaks
lock the door
walk away
Cuz there won't be nothing left to talk about
nothing else to say'
--Atmosphere
So his eyes are closed and there's nothing left to do but just walk away from these two shaking halves. The one so much less damaged than the other. It's broken now. There is no hand strong enough to fix this.
This is your rock bottom. And I can't get you through it.
But all I want to do is sit by your bed and listen to the grief. All I want is for those of us left to be together. Now. I want these hands and these hearts united to hold back the sweep of this torrent of bereavement. My boy and her boy and one of the Boiler Room kids and there is no word for this fact that my mind still does not accept. There is no release from the everyday, either.
I'm just no good today. Try again tomorrow. I just can't see further than these tiny soblue hands allow me to.
I always thought they were coming home someday.
Joey comes home tomorrow.
Alone.
More alone than ever before.
And I'll never see him smile at me across the backseat again.
current mood:  listless
current music: 'Circles'-The Used.
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Friday, July 16th, 2004
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3:03 pm - Dancing in my Frustration.
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Because I hate the cock.
I really need to smite someone. This game isn't even fun anymore, it just pisses me off like nothing else.
I have to help Hilda make food, but I may be back.
I just want to break him into tiny pieces.
It's okay though, I'm moving on.
current mood:  complacent
current music: NPR, Baby!
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Thursday, July 8th, 2004
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3:36 pm - I Hate the Cock.
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So...My self-esteem has taken a bit of a humongous hit recently. First, I go to Boston to see my beautiful, wonderful lesbian--Sandrine--and I get shot down, basically.
'I don't want to be just some girl.'
'Do you really think I'd come to Boston for just some girl?!'
So...No sex. But I did have a wonderful time. If I were looking to stick myself in a relationship, she would be my first and only choice. But I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm looking for time to do my own thing. But I didn't want to do it celebate.
Apparently, I don't get a choice.
[It's becoming more and more difficult to type this and not watch Andy making sex with that guitar.]
Then there's the boy...Penis Boy and his Miraculous Skateboard. And I thought we were wandering towards some nice sex...But apparently not. So I've wasted several weeks and I'm not going to get any further than I have. This pisses me off.
I'm not interested in commitment or lots of emotional stability. But I was looking for a nice fuck-buddy or cuddleslut. And I don't get a choice. I don't get one. Or any.
I'm just bitching now.
But I'm feeling pretty shaken by all this. Pretty inadequate and...I don't know.
Maybe I should get used to getting turned down.
But I'm not, usually, I'm doing the turning down. And now that my Karma's coming back for all my casual sex, I'm pretty uncomfortable.
current mood:  disappointed
current music: Andy Playing Guitar. Wheee!
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Friday, January 16th, 2004
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4:52 pm - Deep Breath. Jess.
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I don't try to fight over things...I don't like starting anger, and we'd been without it for quite some time. but I think we hold it in. I do, sometimes. Just because I don't want to cause issues. By saying that plans and responsability need to be more clear cut, and that it's stressful, I didn't mean I don't want to hang out. I don't only yell at one person when it's more than one. I've spoken to everyone involved already...I didn't say anything to you till the last minute because I didn't want exactly what happened to happen. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make more fight than I already have, and I plan on calling you a little later. I don't want to stay mad or keep emnity between us.
And I didn't mean to bring anyone else into it...I was exploding. Just...Had to shriek for a second. And I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to dramify or make public.
Thinking of which, I saw Katherine todayShudders
Anyway, it's useless to write more until we talk. But I don't want to be fighting. I didn't want to ever be fighting. I'll call you in a little bit and we'll talk more.
I love you.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: The Witches
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12:11 pm - Ian and Florida, Strangers on the Interned...Cold...Fighting
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Tis the time of year to start unnecessary shit. And everyone's doing it. So join the crowd, fight with someone you love! Not pointing fingers. I just think everyone should get along. Cuz it's um...Everyone's fault? Yeah.
Ian's talking about moving to Florida and I'm...Just not cool with that. It's scary and means not seeing him for undetermined periods of time. And that doesn't sound so good to me. At all. So we've been bickering and it makes me small and vicious and sad.
And it's fucking cold and Winter and...Shit.
And this boy I talked to on FOD is emailing back and forth with me and it's like a window into another person. It's different. But it's exciting and interesting at the same time...Not in a cheating on Ian way, or anything, but in an interesting new friend kind of way.
I don't know
And I'm gonna go take a shit now. Bye.
current mood:  apathetic
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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
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11:38 pm - Driveway Skiing!
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Jessi and I just invented a new game. [Sober] It's the fucking balls. Really. It's called driveway skiing, and you take skate shoes and mittens and crouch on your feet and use your hands to propel yourself down the course. We're currently designing the course from Jessi's front steps down her rock wall into the driveway. As soon as construction is finished, we ice the entire course and then kiss our asses goodbye and head down both jumps and onto the gravel on her driveway.
It'll be the opening game in the Stoner Olympics. Just you wait.
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: Snow Being Packed. Woo
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Friday, November 28th, 2003
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12:00 am
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Wow. Winter's creeping in. But it's diluted. It's not straight agony. It's bitter love and words to fill the aching cold breath. Space in chests finally comforted by the right smoke. It's not desolate, howling nights of--There is no word for it. Agonyterrordyingbloodiedcrawling? That sounds about right.
Fuck. Lost my train of thought. The comedian on tv distracted me. Is still distracting me. Jeff Foxworthy's pretty funny.
I dunno. Car accidents in Winter and the feeling that it's all a lot of crashes but no arrival. I dunno. That kinda sucked. Ian's being a fuck in my right ear and I'm getting to want to slap him. It's pretty fucking obnoxious. Anywho.
There's nothing left unsaid to these Angels and the Core of my life. Everything is known and I am out of words to express the beauty.
current mood:  high
current music: 'nipple bit off by a beaver.'- Jeff Foxworthy.
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Thursday, November 20th, 2003
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11:16 am
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* Then,
Fuck, I forgot. But Grammy's in the hospital again right now and we're going to Ny tomorrow to see her.
What if it's the last time?
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Fire Alarms
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10:52 am - Grammy
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Wow.
I don't know. I've been refusing to think about this for weeks, now I'm trying to come to terms with it in less than 24 hours.
*Grammy got into an accident about a month ago and gave up her car. First denial on my part.
*She a week or so later had an attack of some type brought on by congestive heart failure. Second denial, even though she was in the hospital.
*Then
Fire alarm. Hold on.
current mood: listless
current music: 'Brake of Your Car'- Lennon Murphy
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Saturday, November 15th, 2003
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9:27 pm
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Uhhh.....Hi!
Okay, bye now!
current mood: high
current music: Coheed and Cambria- 'Devil in Jersey City'
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Friday, November 7th, 2003
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12:51 pm
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Um...Rar?
I found my Lennon Murphy cd and it even works! I'm so excited. Cuz it's the greatest cd ever. EVER Really. No. Really.
I'm constantly covered in clay from the art room. All the time. It's kinda not fun. Just clay everywhere. All the time. It's kind of obnoxious.
Apparently, there's a Johnnie Rocket's in the Burlington mall. Jessi, we're going to Burlington this weekend!!! No joke, I haven't been to Johnnie Rocket's in like three years. We must go.
After the Brothel tonight and Ian's and seeing my dad before he visits my Grammy in the hospital. Shit's always too busy. Why don't I ever get to plan my time?
Everyone else decides what's happening on my days off for me....Yay?
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Lennon Murphy- '5:30 Saturday Morning'
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11:13 am
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Um...Kablam?
I don't have much to say. I felt like updating. Sleeping at Tiny's tonight after Jessi and I go to the Brothel.
Hold on, finishing class......
current mood:  artistic
current music: Lennon Murphy- 'My Beautiful'
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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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1:15 am
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I don't know. People are pulling me down in so many different ways. I can't save them. I can't help them. Fuck, I can't even make them happy. I dunno. Shit's just not right. I can't help anyone and I can't make them feel better.
I dunno.
current mood:  discontent
current music: 'Build me up, Buttercup'
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Monday, October 27th, 2003
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4:32 am
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Rar!
I have an assignment to do. It was due today. I suck. I also don't care. Oh well.
Jessi and I played douche fairy on Saturday night. It was fabulous. We infiltrated an old man's cart and then watched him walk away. I almost died. I can't imagine how it was when he got to the counter.
I love us.
Today was shit, but that's okay. I slept through my absolute favorite period of the day [pottery] cuz I was forced by Christopher Frentzen to go to the nurse. Stupid boy. Just cuz I was falling asleep while standing.
People can be so overconcerned.
Bye!
current mood: complacent
current music: 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction'
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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5:09 pm
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Kablam!
Work was terrible today. But Daddy-o's still gone, and people are coming to my house tonight. Even though I have two massive projects due. It blows. But I'll figure it out somehow.
Eh. I need some ganja puffs. I haven't smoked in like two days. But Jessi and I are getting a bag tonight, so our heads should be happy.
I dunno. School tomorrow, not much to say. I keep thinking about Laura....And it hurts. It's just not right that she's where she is in so many fucking ways.
I'm gonna go now.
Bye.
current mood:  tired
current music: Sublime- '40 Oz. to Freedom'
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Saturday, October 25th, 2003
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8:09 am
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Stuff. I'm all out of work finally. I got an ocular migraine at work and I never get them anymore and it was horrible cuz I was working front cash so all the customers were like 'eh, what the fuck's wrong with that girl?' And it sucked.
But yeah, stuff. I feel a little better about Laura cuz I know Katie's sending her my last entry so she knows I miss her more than life.
Um...Not much to say except that everyone's fabulous. As usual. Tiny's more wonderful than usual, but that's personal and I won't get into it here. Cuz it's.....Personal.
Anywho...I'm gonna wander off to Gay Youth Group's ten year anniversary/birthday. Whee!
current mood:  awake
current music: Um...Coheed and Cambria, 'Backend of Forever'
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Friday, October 24th, 2003
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1:15 pm - Laura
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I miss you so much. I don't know how I'll even speak to you when [if?] you ever come back. I don't know what to think about this place you're in. I want to call you. I want to hear your voice. I want to be hugging you, loving you, singing with you, picking you up in the hoopdie again. I started crying in my computers class cuz Katie let me read your letter. I started bawling. I couldn't even talk. It's so hard. I feel like I'm never going to see you again. What if I never see you again?
What if we end up in our own lives and I can't see your beauty or hear you laugh? Cuz you were an Angel even though we never let you know it. You were more beauty in your sick, breaking form than any of us were.
I love you, Laurapants Beautifulface, and I miss you more than you'll know.
current mood:  morose
current music: Something Corporate-'Me and the Moon'
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
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8:24 am - Um....Hi Guys.
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So I've been having some issues with stupid people on my FOD diary, and this one looks kinda spiffy anyway. I thought I'd try it.
Jessi and 'Sea and Hilda are responsible for my move...But that's beside the point.
Um, I was kinda just testing this out, so I"ll be back later....Wheee!
current mood: awake
current music: The Coheed and Cambria stuck in my head.
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