||[24 May 2005|08:44am]
I got sucked into MySpace too. Damn you Patricia!!!!!!
||[28 Apr 2005|06:12pm]
I'm so exhausted. Man of La Fricken Mancha is killing me. I have five or six solos. I need to remember to take my inhaler with me tonight. Tonight's opening night so I hope it all goes well.
Chad's coming home in a couple of weeks. Hooray!!
I bought this automatic electric waterer doohicky for the cats. It is so smooth. But it makes me have to pee whenever I'm around it.
I had a DirecTv system installed this week. Satellite, oh how I missed thee.......
My dad called me last night and told me I owe $1000 in taxes on my inheritance, of which 0 was in the form of money. I don't know where I going to get a grand. Its not like I can just pull $1000 out of my nose.
I cut my hair. Its about shoulder length. I love it. Its way cute.
I found out that a friend has a serious health problem. Its really put me in this weird state. It really puts things in perspective. And it points out how lame and pathetic certain things in life are.
I bought a way cool bathing suit. I really like it even though I feel fat while wearing it. Oh well. I'll get over it. Chad and I better go to the beach this summer so I can make use of it.
Thats all for now. Hey Alisa: Hoo-ray!!! Yay!!! Way to go!
||[27 Mar 2005|01:55pm]
Scary Psychological Test
Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right - including me.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried shecould not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer.
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.
||[27 Mar 2005|12:23pm]
Quiz: How observant are you?
Get a piece of paper to write down your answers to 30 questions and then check them at the end!! DON'T CHEAT! If you do cheat, it really is not all that much fun! And, yes, the answers are at the bottom of the page, but don't cheat - you can do it!
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? ( don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? ( no cheating)!
6. What 2 telephone #'s don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On our flag, is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest # on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even # pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a one dollar bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
29. How many curves are in a standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
Here are the answers! No peeking!!!! Scroll Down! I said no peeking!!!!!
2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
4. blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold ( Did you see blue? i didn't)
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12. towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
16. Clockwise as you look at it
18. 8 What about the front side and back side? I think it also could be.
23. 6 it's really 8. (someone messed up here.)
24. did you notice there wasn't one? (question was NOT included when I got the quiz..sorry)
25. Ace of spades
28. *, #
30-28 Mensa is calling, genius
25-27 Not too shabby
20-24 You could do better
16-19 McDonald's is calling (would you like fries w/ that)?
15-00 Shucks! Being blind wouldn't affect you one bit!
|New Words - New Definitions
||[27 Mar 2005|12:08pm]
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
And, the pick of the bunch:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
|Strange Bumper Stickers
||[27 Mar 2005|12:06pm]
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots... and I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice):
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
If you can read this I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
||[18 Mar 2005|08:30pm]
Sex and Calories
How much weight do we lose during sex?
Diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.
1 hr. intensive foreplay burns off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking burns off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner burns off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself burns off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3; Decanting the wine: 4; Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15; If you are anxious: 43; If you beg: 100
SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5; If you are rich (credit card): 15; If you are poor: 200
INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4; Casually rummaging around: 7; Seriously rummaging around: 42
REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent: 12; Without partner's consent: 187; Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418
AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner's ear: 15; Blowing in your own ear: 2,512
DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10; Partner wears corrective underwear: 15; Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100; You don't mind: 0.25; Partner wearing elevated socks: 50
DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4; Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18; Completely missing: 126
POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26; German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48; English (woman on top; man hiding): 15; American (both on top): 1,243
AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36; Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612; Sneezing (during intercourse): 7; Sneezing (during orgasm): 588
ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5; Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72; Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1; Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17; Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133; Calling your partner the wrong name: 50
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15; Expression didn't change: 0.5; Room turned purple: 4; Face turned purple: 78; Earth moved: 30; If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588; Moaning in Turkish: 506
THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX "I am so grateful": 15; "It must have been something we ate": 15; "Was it good for you?": 15; "Are you finished?": 15
TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5; If man is not: 563
ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18; During sex: 546; While parking car: 212
SLEEP Real: 5; Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74
TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5; In a sink: 150; In a jacuzzi: 15,269
MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)
KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:
December 1st: Sex with Harold:-
Explaining how: 12; Suggesting something different: 3; Calming terrified Harold: 40; Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8; Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56; Intercourse (standing position): 22; Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10; Intercourse (urging him on): 5; Orgasm: not sure; Thanking Harold: 3; Waving bye-bye: 1; Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting); Total calories burned: 160
||[18 Mar 2005|09:56am]
"The goal of eating mindfully is to know the ins and outs of your hunger," says Susan Albers in her book, "Eating Mindfully." Inspect each thing that goes into your mouth today, and ask yourself if you really want it.
||[08 Mar 2005|04:51pm]
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church...
IF the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
IF people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
WHEN the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
five guys and two women stand up.
IF opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
IF a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
IF the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
WHEN in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
IF Baptism is referred to as "branding".
IF high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
IF people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
IF the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
IF the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
IF the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
IF instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
IF the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
IF the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".
IF "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
IF the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"
||[08 Mar 2005|04:47pm]
Strange & Basicly Useless facts
80 percent of the world's population regularly eats insects.
The average bank robbery yields $4,400.
The longest flight on record for a flying squirrel is 2.5 miles.
According to a University of Michigan study, a dog's memory span is 5 minutes. A cat's is 16 hours.
Albert Einstein never learned to drive.
Sea cucumbers startle their enemies by shooting their digestive organs out their rear ends.
Uranus is green.
Dark matter is lumpy.
One in 12 Britons has a job cleaning something.
Los Angeles moves toward San Francisco at the rate of 3.5 centimeters a year.
Engelbert Humperdinck's real name is Arnold Dorsey.
There is a lock-picking championship held every year in the Netherlands.
60 percent of your genes are the same as a chicken's.
70 percent of all 9-1-1 calls made by cell phones are dialed by mistake.
The average person goes to the bathroom 2,500 times a year.
As a result of California's three-strike policy, a man named Santos Reyes is doing life for cheating on a driver's license exam.
Sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer was trained to be a sniper in the Israeli army.
Almost half of America's food goes to waste.
Egypt owes the U.S. $1.7 million in unpaid parking tickets.
Elephants fart more than any other animal.
||[08 Mar 2005|04:42pm]
Wife and Unmarried Daughter Share
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied,"Mom I'm forty years old unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm forty years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband, Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later! , the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
|Things I learned at MACCC
||[04 Mar 2005|08:22pm]
1. Music = emotion
2. The horn should NOT sound like a moose in heat
3. How to shoot an arrow
4. How to throw a dart
5. How to float a paper airplane
6. How to stretch
7. How to blow air on my hand
9. Girls are petty and two faced
10. Asshole trupet players make asshole conductors
11. There is one cool non-asshole trumpet player out there who respects what us woodwind players have to play on a daily basis.
12. Alisa is a bomb-ass driver
13. There is no place like home.
||[01 Mar 2005|08:39am]
Do you treat your friends as valued commodities? Think of something you can do for each person in your inner circle to show how much you care. It doesn't have to be grand or expensive, just thoughtful.
||[27 Feb 2005|08:05pm]
You are Monkey Pants! You are a debonair and
well-advanced monkey to be wearing pants and
standing upright. You are suave, as monkeys
go. You are popular with the ladies.
What's YOUR Inner Monkey?
brought to you by Quizilla
||[26 Feb 2005|03:52pm]
New Medications for Women Only
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
PENISCILLIN Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.
NAGAMENT When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
||[25 Feb 2005|09:11am]
"Strive to be rich not in possessions but in courage and merit." --Agesilaus II
||[20 Feb 2005|12:25pm]
Quotes of The Day
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." - Robert Frost
"In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls." - Lenny Bruce
"Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too." - Anton Chekhov