| Bored.... Survey... | ||||
| 05:33pm 17/08/2005 | ||||
Delroy, PA 2-SEX OR ICE-CREAM? Sex 3-WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? neon green...gold sparkles... 4-WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW typing this 5-WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU WENT OUT TO EAT WITH? Josh 6-IF YOU WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: a giant teddy bear 7-WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: England 8-WHATS YOUR RING TONE? Trance 9-WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS? Oh hell yea its the best chocolate bar in the world... 10-WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? A black sports bar and my Madagascar boxers... with my neon green underwear... 11-DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes 12-WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU? Live in the moment and forget the past... 13-DO YOU OWN A VEHICLE? yes-1993 dodge colt 14-WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS? None, I dont have any anymore... 15-FAVE FILMS: Donnie Darko, Party Monster, and SLC Punk 16-LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA? Charlie and the Chocoalte Facorty... 17-FAVE DAY OF THE YEAR? Thanksgiving Day... I love turkey, mashed potatoes, filling, pees, everything... Eating till youre totally full then passing out... 18-DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE? Yes 19-ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT? Yes 20- DO YOU SLEEP NAKED? Not at my house... 21-CHRISTMAS OR EASTER? Easter... 22-LUST OR LOVE? Alittle bit of both... 23-KISSES OR HUGS? Kisses... 24-WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Knowing you're alone... 25-WORST SOUND? Silence 26-WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP? Look for my glasses or contacts... 27-ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? Scary... 28-HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER? Cell phone... I like my annouying trance music so right before it sends it to my voice mail, but house phone I let other people answer it... 29-ZODIAC SIGN? Cancer 30-IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL ? Half Empty 31-MOST IMPORTANT PHYSICAL FEATURE: Eyes, Style, and Teeth 32-MILK CHOCOLATE OR WHITE? Both 33-DAY OR NIGHT? night 34-SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring and Fall 35-CAKE OR PIE? cake 36-DIAMONDS OR PEARL diamonds 37-SUNRISE OR SUNSETS? sunset 38-HAVE YOU BROKEN ANY BONES? yes 39-DO YOU HATE ANYONE? A few... 40-DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIGHTING? I'm a lover not a fighter... 41-WHO DO YOU TURN TO FOR ADVICE? Tammy or Samantha 42-YOU COULD HAVE ONE SKILL IN LIFE WHAT WOULD IT BE? Drums... 43-WHERE ARE YOUR FAVORITE PLACES TO SHOP? Inca Treasures, Custom Blends, and Checkered Past... 44-WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WEBSITE? www.bonsaikitten.com 45-WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? Vet... 46-HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes 47-BMW OR MERCEDES? BMW 49-PARIS HILTON OR ANGELINA JOLIE? Angelina Jolie Fo Sho..... |
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bored| 04:05pm 04/08/2005 | |||
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Another day gone... Still nothing... Im not going to try anymore, its just not worth it... Even if they did contact me, it wouldnt help anything cause Im sure it would be months until I heard from them again... I hate it when you put soo much effort into something but you get nothing out of it... Well Im done being dissapointed... Im not going to try anymore... Its their turn, but I wont hold my breath or wait... I know its not going to happen... Anyway... I'm bored and have nothing else to type... I got a new cell phone... Its not a flip phone anymore but it does have a camera... And I now have coloured lights on the side instead of the piss yellow ones my old phone had... I still have the same number so thats not an excuse not to call... Its a Nokia 3220... I can make my own face plates for it, its shibby... |
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| 01:44pm 02/08/2005 | ||||
Sometimes I wish I could change my whole life... I think about all of the what ifs and it really gets to me... I remember talking, and hearing that the person who says they love me thinks that if we hadnt started certain activities then they think we wouldnt be together today... Sometimes by their actions I feel like they dont love me like they used to or as much as they say... Our relationship isnt the same... It hasnt been ever since I got pregnant... They seem more distant... Like they dont want as much to do with me... They seem like theyd rather be with their friends, be the way they were before we got together... They dont talk to me the same way... They dont show affection like they used to... The get more upset and angry with me than ever... They never want to go out like they used to, and if they do its never with me... I feel like I get lied to sometimes... They never talk to me anymore.... They say its because I never talk to them... I dont becuase to me they seem like a completely different person... Ive been quiet about this, because I truely love them and dont like change if something were to ever happen... I need them more than they know, but theyre never around anymore... By their actions, words, and emotions towards me, it seems like theyd be happier if we werent together... I feel like by having this baby it was forced to be... Maybe Im completely wrong about everything... But I dont know that cause they dont show, act, or tell me anything different... I've lost a lot of friends... I miss them... Like I said, I miss being able to just go out and do something and not have to worry about anything like getting home before the baby needs fed again or before my parents get tired and dont want to take care of him anymore... I guess I havent been the most welcoming person either... But when you get treated a certain way by everyone for a long time, you being to mimic those actions towards them... I have tired to contact certain people, but my attepmts see to accomplish nothing... Until I take exterem measure do they ever see that I do want to talk to them and fianlly they make one attempt to contact me... Ive had way too much time by myself... My cousin Blair from Texas is coming up this weekend... I hope this all goes well... There nothing to do here though... But I'll find something for she and I to do... I cant wait to see her though... Unless shes upset with me, cuase of the baby... But hopefully she'll be someone fresh to talk to about everything... Who knows... I havent talked to her in about two or three years... I miss Texas... I just need a break from motherhood... For a day and a night is all I ask... Just one! |
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| 12:30am 26/07/2005 | |||
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I cant believe I didnt update this... A lot has happened... Well you may not think so but everything I've been through seems like a lot to me... The last post I talked about going to the doctors and all that good stuff... I was due June 14th... The 13th was my last doctors appointment unless he didnt come out... Well at 3am on June 14th my water broke... That moment when it happend, sooo many different emotions went through me... I was excited, happy, scared, and tired all at the same time... I didnt know what to do so I ran to the bathroom and just sat there for like 2 minutes until I got myself together... Then of course I woke Josh's ass up to take me to the hospital... I couldnt believe how much I worked myself up... When we got there, no one really moved very quickly at first... I went to my room finally alittle before 4am... They ask you soo many questions and when youre as excited as I was its hard to think straight... But hours went by and nothing seemed to happen... Then around 1pm-ish (I dont remember exact times when all these things happened...) that same day it felt like my water broke again... So the nurses came in and started hooking me up to all these different types of gadgets... Then the one nurse just had to tell me she was going to put the IV in my wrist... I have a really bad fear of needles of any kind... So I got extremely nervious... Not to mention I was already super nervous and excited... My heart rate dropped and that of course also made the baby's heart rate drop as well... Then I got really really scared on top of all of the other emotions I was feeling at the time... I thought for sure I would have to get a C-Section and have yet another horrible scar on my body... But no, they just turned me on my left side, and put some kind of gadget on the baby's head... Within a few minutes everything was fine again... They decided to give me pitocine to speed up labour cause I was around 4cm dialated at that time... I didnt think anything of it, cuase my contractions werent really all that bad... In about 10 minutes I went through some of the WORST pain Ive ever felt in my entire life... It was horrible... I was going to try to have this baby completely natural... I mean most 18 year olds would want drugs right away... Not me, not after the babys heart rate dropping... It just became too much for me and I wasnt able to breathe correctly... So about 10 minutes of one contraction right after the other, made me decide to get an epidural... That was one of the best decisions Ive ever made... That really really really really helped the pain... I barely noticed they gave me pain killers through the IV... So my suggestion to you if FORGET the IV meds, and go straight for the epidural... It didnt hurt me at all... After the epidural, they waited for it to kick in and then the nurse told me to try to nap... Yea right... I was in a strange enough place, hooked up to all kinds of bags, meds, and computers... And not to mention I could have a baby at any minute... I didnt sleep at all... But I was thinking about food a lot... After awhile the nurse came back in and told me it was time to push... I couldnt believe it... Soon I was going to see my first son... I couldnt wait... I got really excited, well until she said "but first we have to put a cathiter (spelling?) into your bladder... But I didnt feel that at all, so it wasnt bad... But then she told me to push for the first time... I gave it my all and felt nothing... I didnt that a few more times, then I started not to try so hard cause I didnt think it was going to happen anytime soon... But within a few more pushes I felt a lot of pressure on my pelvis and pubic bone... So then I really gave it my all, and within only 45 minutes of "active" labour he was out.... No episiodimys, not vaccums, no forceps, nothing... He came out all on his own and didnt tear me or anything... Wow... Thats all I could think when I first saw him... He was so amazing to me... I actually carried something so awesome as he was for nine months... Hearing him cry made it all worth it... Then they layed him on my chest right away, and of course he peed on me... I didnt care, I was still in amazment... Only when they cleaned him all up and assured me everything was ok, I began to relax... Yeah I had an epidural, but still I was happy everything went well... That night I didnt sleep at all... I just wanted to look at him... I couldnt stop thinking about how precious he was to me... And how proud of myself I was to actually keep him and not give up like most girls my age do... And I was really happy Josh was there by my side through it all... I could tell by the look on his face when his son was out just how happy he was to see him... I only spent three days in the hospital... I could have been two but of course I wanted that one last day just in case anything happened or I thought of more questions... But only one of those night did I get any sleep... It was the night they took him to the nursery to take his pictures and do his blood work and give him his shots... I didnt sleep well, but I got more during that time than I ever did... I was soo glad to be home... I couldnt wait to sleep on my stomach... The first night home I wasnt able too cause my body kept telling me no cause it thought there was still something in there... But that soon changed... Now I sleep on my stomach almost every night like I used to... My sons name is Noah Hayden Smith He was born at two twenty pm on june fourteenth two thousand five ( i have to write out the numbers because my number key dont work right now my computer went crazy i have no form of punctuation or numbers He weighed seven pounds three ounces He was twenty inches long Hes now six weeks old and weighs ten pounds Im done now until i can fix my computer This is really annouying |
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| Doctors... | ||||
| 01:36pm 13/06/2005 | ||||
My mom and I went into Walmart right after the appointment and got all of the last minute things I'll need for myself and the baby for the hospital... I just need to boil the bottles and wash some more clothes then Ill have everything I need... Or atleast I think... I just have to make sure I get it all ready and together tonight so I dont have to scramble any other day... Work... Well Im scared to go back to work and go into labour there... I really really really dont want to... But this week really isnt worth going back... Ill go in tomorrow, and possibly wednesday and then have to take off thursday and friday, and maybe work saturday and sunday... But next week I wont work cause theyre going to induce me if needed... So I think Ill talk to my dad about it tonight and see what he says... But I think I may just end up calling later tonight and telling them to start my leave tomorrow... I wont miss out on too much money, but I havent been spending like I used to so I have a lot in my account and Josh and I still have a lot in Noahs account, but I know it wont be enough, but I think its a damn good start... Me, well Im scared out of my mind... Where will I be when I go into labour, will it happen tomorrow, the next day, or the next... Will they have to induce me sooner if the non-stress tests dont come out how theyd like... Will they have to do an emergency C-section... Will he be ok, is he healthy, could I have done something different, is there something really important I should be doing now that I dont know about... Will breast feeding be a good idea... Will I be in a lot of pain for a long period of time... Just sooo many damn questions going through my head right now, though I know I dont show it at all... The only things I want is for my mom, dad, brother, tammy, and Josh to be there... Josh deffinately there with me while hes being born and my mom cause she really really wants to see this and I know it will mean a lot to her... My dad and brother I know wont want to be in the rooom but it would be nice to know theyre there for afterwards... Its ok if Eli cant make it cause of looking for a job, but it still would be nice... And Tammy too... I hope that they can put whatever is going on between them behind them and not fight or agitate each other at the hospital... Joshs mom is more than welcome to be in the room or wait until afterwards... I dont mind if his dad is there but not in the room while its happening... Nan im sure will want to be there, and I really dont care who else is there, but they cant be in the room while its happening... It would be nice if Abby was there since she is my best friend, but she just got a new job and she needs to keep it damnit.... I dont know, we'll see whos avaliable and wants to be there when it happens... Josh... Now that he heard the news he seems alittle more excited... I just hope hes able to be there with me when it does finally happen... I have a feeling it will happen before next week... I really dont want to be induced but oh well... I know he doesnt want it to happen on the 20th cause thats his dad birthday, but if thats when it has to happen then sorry thats when it going to happen... I love him soo much... I cant wait to share this whole experience with him... Ok its now time for me to eat something, and get some things together... I need to pee too, so I may update later... |
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anxious| God Damn... | ||||
| 10:45pm 12/06/2005 | ||||
Like I thought about school again and where and when to go back, and what for... But I dont want to think about that anymore so Ive forgotten most of what I thought I wanted to do.. Other than going for photography... Or maybe become an RN and go and work at psycho wards like my aunt... Probably too much for me though... Ive tried to put the fact that Im scared about raising a child in the back of my head... The more I think about it the more I get scared... But I have to realize no ones a expert on raising child and I have plenty of people who are willing to help me whenever I need it... Even though some have never raised a child themsevles, most have been around them almost all of their lives... Ive been thinking about the whole smoking thing and how I feel about that... I dont like it myself... I hate the way I felt when I was high or shortly after and I really hate the way I feel when I smoke a cigarette... Its just nasty to me, the smell, the taste, the feeling... Both of them bother me... I dont really know why though anymore... I guess with a baby on the way I want to be more responsible, and doing illegal things and taking risky chances isnt responsible to me... I feel like I get lied to about it though... By more people than just Josh... I had a friend that swore to me they would never get into it, but I think peer pressure has overcome them and theyve falling into it cause of how theyre acting and how they talk... Its annoying... And Josh well with the people he hangs out with and the way he acts sometimes it just seems to me that he hasnt stopped... I know I shouldnt try to change him, but at some point you have to grow up and realize thats not the only way to calm down, and there are people out there who are your friends for who you are, not because you smoke... My mom still hasnt gotten any results back... It kills me inside not knowing anything... Ive tried to hold back those feelings.... especially around her... I know Ive been alittle bitchier to people, but its stressful not knowing if your own mother has something seriously wrong with her or not... Girr... The things that have become worse are that Josh doesnt seem to understand that when I come over to see him and he just up and leaves without telling me anything, not even that he is leaving that it hurts alittle bit... It feels like hes being more secretive around me... It wouldnt bother me if he would tell me that he was leaving and about how long he would be... I dont always care to know where hes going... Just that he wont be there when I look for him... Or just want to talk to him.. I know sometimes I go over and fall asleep, but he could wake me up and tell me that he'll be back in so many minutes, hours, days, weeks, whatever... And this John kid... Yeah he may be a nice guy, yeah maybe hes good at playing the guitar, and yea he may be going through some hard times now, but if I hear his god damn name one more time, i think I might scream... All I hear is John this, John does this, John can do this, John is amazing at this, well John would do this, or John cant do this, or John is having trouble with this... When everything is about him or is the topic of all his conversations it gets really really really really really really really really really really really really annoying... Ive met the guy once maybe, and no offense hes not that spectacular to me... No one I know is worth talking about as much as Josh talks about John... Right now John is having a tough time with two of his roommate leaving and not having a car while trying to go to school and not live with his parents... But I dont need to hear about it ever other minute of my life... Im sorry hes going through this, i think it really sucks, but hes gotta figure somethings out on his own, and he is a big boy now, he can handle things... I just hate it when Josh will drop everything for John and his girlfriend, but will put me aside... It seems to me like hed rather be with them than me sometimes... I feel like he lies to me about going there instead of going where he told me... Im not going to let it get to me... But if he pushes me away for them, Ill be really upset... I dont want him to make plans with me and then just because john needs something to drop me and go help him... He has parents and other friends, youre not the only person in the world he has josh... Just remember you will be having a baby soon, and it will need a lot of your attention, im not doing this all on my own... and I wont let you just leave me here a lone with the baby just because john needs someone to smoke with or be with... Sometimes it feels to me that hes upset Im pregnant, like im going to ruin his life when i have this baby... He doesnt seem excited at all and he doesnt seem like he wants to be there when hes born... It seems like hell have this baby forever so why should he bother being at the hospital... He'll still be the same when he gets home... He doesnt understand, thats when Im going to need him the most, when Im in the hospital... I want him to be there for the birth especially... I just wish hed show alittle more excitment about it... I cant help Im emotionally attached to Josh... Hes everything to me... I see how other peoples relationships are going and Im sooo very greatful Josh and I are still together and happy with each other... I dont know what I would do without him, baby or no baby.... I also have a physicall attachment to him... I cant sleep at his house when hes not there and its tough here, but im more used to sleeping alone when I stay at home... I like just to be around him, just to be able to kiss and/or hug him whenever I get an urge to... I love all of the time spent with him, even if we do fight or upset each other, atleast Im with him... I know he should have time with his friends, and I try to give that to him, but it would be nice if it wasnt something he would just run off and do... He can tell me, like tonight I want to do this... Yea Ill be upset I wouldnt be able to be with him, but atleast I knew i wouldnt be able to see him instead of waiting around just for him to tell me he wasnt going to be home three hours after i had already frigured that out... Im trying to let everything go, and not let it get to me cause im going to have a baby soon and my focus has to be on him for the first couple of days of his life... Well more than that but Ill be focusing on him and Josh, and my mom too... But its hard when it happens a lot... Ok I need a new topic... I dont think Noahs going to be born in two days like hes supposed to... I think hes going to be a few days, maybe even a few weeks late... But I really really really really want to go on maternity leave, but I dont want to go to soon... I hate petsmart... I hate working the same hours every damn week, i hate being a cashier, i hate the new manager and all of his shit and I really hate the customers... People are fucking asshole when it comes to animal products... Im really going to look for a new job when i go on maternity leave... I really need something different.. And if I dont find something else, im going to tell them to either cut back my hours alittle bit or switch them up some its not the same damn thing every fucking day of the week... It just sucks having to get up so damn early every day... Hmmm... I dont think theres much else I need or want to type about... Im sure Ill think of something... Josh is at guess whos house right now, so Im going to go to his so I can be in the A/C until he decides to come home... He says he'll be coming home around 12 but he'll have some excuse as to why he was down there a hell of a lot longer than that... I need sleep though, the other night going on two hours wasnt good at all... But last night was good, until josh woke me up around 11 or 11:30ish by blowing in my face and acting like he was still sleeping... I love him soo much though... I love waking up and seeing him beside me... Hes soo pretty... Good night all... |
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| 12:37am 04/06/2005 | |||
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I already typed about being scared and I really really am... Im scared for my mom, but Im hoping for the best... We'll know in about a week... Im sure its just some hormonal thing... Im more afraid of the baby... Not the baby itself, but Im afraid I didnt do something right during my pregnancy and he wont be healthy because of my actions... Im afraid something is going to go wrong... Im afraid its going to be my fault that something turns out the way it does, or my fault why something is already the way it is... The thing that scares me the most is that theyll take him away from us right after hes born... Put him in that intesive care unit and we'll have to look at him through a plastic box... I just want to be able hold him... I cant wait until I can do that... I want everything to go well... I dont care how bad my labour is, I just want Noah to be healthy and get here ok... Tonight I really really needed Josh... But he told me he had plans... So I got over it, kind of... He came to see me for alittle bit, but when he left it hurt... I really wish he would have stayed, but I couldnt tell him that... I want him to have his own life and be able to see his friends without me... But I cant do anything... I know its mostly my fault cause Im pregnant, but I really dont have any one else... I wanted soo badly to spend the night with him just so I could be close to him... But at the same time I want him to have fun... with or without me... I feel like Ive been left behind since ive become pregnant... And I know thats not going to change after noahs born cause Im going to have to be the main caregiver cause Im female and males arent capable of what we are... My life has already changed so much and I still cant get used to it... Its only going to get worse I have a feeling... I dont have many friends, and the ones I do have arent into the things I once was before I got pregnant... So either way, pregnant or not, I still cant do some of the things I miss... And I hate when I do go to peoples houses and they feel like they cant do what they normally would because of me, or if they feel they have to treat me any differently... I feel like burden to soo many people... Especially Josh sometimes cause I feel like Im being selfish, though I dont come right out and make him choose between myself and his friends... I dont know how I feel about things anymore.. Like smoking and drinking... When youve done it so much in the past and then all of a sudden have to completely stop and not be around it anymore, it makes you think... A lot... I dont know anything anymore, my emotions are such a mess... I need to learn to deal with things again... But mostly alone this time... Im going to be alone a lot I have a feeling... I miss and need him soo much right now... Im going to go lay down and think... Hopefully Ill fall asleep sometime... I just have to put in here that Abby finally has a job, now she can pay off all her debts.... |
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| 10:25pm 03/06/2005 | ||||
Im scared... I cant seem to admit that to anyone, but I am... Im scared I wont be able to do this... Im scared something will go wrong and they'll have to take him away from me right after hes born... Im afraid the worst can happen, and he wont make it... Im also scared that I wont raise him right... Im scared that someday Josh wont be there to help me... Im scared that I'll end up all alone... Im glad Josh has been there for me, and still is.. I love him so much... But now is when I need him the most... More than I ever have... I hate it cause I feel like Im a burden to him cause I need him soo much... I want to be with him all of the time... Im scared to go into the hospital alone and give birth to Noah without him there... My mom is "sick"... They dont know whats wrong but shes getting a whole bunch of tests done within the next week or so... Her whole side of the family has a history of bad female health.. Like cervical cancer, breast cancer, and cysts at various places... My mom did have a cyst on one of her ovaries when she was really young, but they took care of that... I have one on my right one, and I used to have one in my chest, but Im not worried cause they think this one is just a fluid filled one... Im scared though about my mom... Everyone says everything will be ok, but if you know me, it doesnt matter how many damn times you tell me that, Ill still think of the worst... I think about the people whom I grew up with that have lost a parent... It must have been exteremely hard... Even those who were very close to the person they lost... Im sure it wasnt easy realizing theyd never see or talk to that person again... I dont know what Id do if I lost someone close to me... Im just so scared.... About everything... My emotions are going crazy, as am I... I just need you sooo much... I just need you to tell me everything will be ok... To hold me and make me feel safe... I love you... I miss Otis... :( |
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depressed| Oh Baby.... | ||||
| 08:02pm 23/05/2005 | ||||
We're having a baby shower June 5th... I need just about everything... So anything is helpful... Well I dont need a crib or stroller anymore, but little things help more... I kinda hope he stays in until then... But it will be just fine if he makes his way out before... Im happy... I have been for awhile... I dont know what got into me those past couple of weeks... I guess it just being pregnant... But Im no longer depressed... Though Im usually by myself I dont feel alone... I get to see Josh more... Maybe still not enough but enough to keep me happy... And I got "It" back... Though its not always on like Josh... My relationship with my whole family has been the same... Theyre all supportive of me and all so that helps keep me happy too... I move into the room next door this weekend... A bigger bed and satin sheets... I think Ill be in heaven... I wont want to ever wake up... Unless they got me a firm matresse and new pillows... I need my old one... I cant sleep well without it... :( My mom got me a digital camera... Its really nice... It has one of those printers you can dock the camera on and print out stuff... I like that too... Im still interested in going to school or taking a few courses on photography but my aunt put a new idea in my head... It goes along with the whole psychology mindset i was in during high school... Instead of being a psychologist, Ill just go and become an LPN or RN and work is a psycho house like she does... She was an RN so she went for four years but only had to take one class in psychology since shell be getting "hands on" training at the ward she works... But we'll see... Photography is the main thing for me right now... Well acutally its the baby but damnit hes not here yet so until then Ill be taking pictures of things... Animals and landscapes are going to be my main subjects but I will take naked or picutres of people in their undies... But thats only chics... Im not a lesbo or bi but I dont like certain parts of the male body and I dont want to photo graph and one knowing whats under there... EWWWW.... Only Josh but he only wears boxers so thats not too much fun... ANYWAY... Most animals at first... Then when i steady myself Ill move onto far away things and landscapes... Abby and I went driving around last night looking for things to take pictures of... We found some cows, two horses, and two graveyards... I got some really cool pictures of some gravestones, but when i enhanced them on my computer they turned out even better... Maybe Ill post them on here but I havent figured out if i can do that yet or not.... I have so much useless random shit on my mind... But none of it seems important enough to type about... Joshs grandma and Plitz are at his house, I think until Wednesday... I like that puppy, hes cute... Well hes 10 years old but of course all dogs are puppies to me and all cats are either kittens or kitties... I dont care what their names might be... Though I sometimes call things guinea pig because of Chow... Hes gonna have to go live with Abby for awhile... That will probably happen this weekend... Though I havent told her that yet... But she knows he was coming over there any how... I just need to pay my phone bill then Ill get some bedding and food and send his ass over... It will be sad but atleast I know where he is and can go see him, unlike Moo... Whom I still really miss... :( All right to sum everything up... Noah needs to get out soon... Im happier than ever... I love Josh a lot... And Ill be in heaven with my satin sheets soon enough.... Until next time, we'll hope it all stays that way... |
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artistic| Temporary... | ||||
| 07:47pm 02/05/2005 | ||||
I think Im really into that nesting stage of my pregnancy becuase I cleaned Joshs room today while he was at school... It was actually fun but I could have done without the cat trying to help me with everything... I think she eventually got the point that I wasnt happy with her and she fell asleep on the chair and didnt move until I was done... His room looks a hell of a lot better... I wanna see who can keep theirs cleaner longer... I bet he will cause hes in his less then me, but that just gives me that much more time to put shit away rather than throwing it in there like I used too... I get to go to work again tomorrow... Im not really excited for a few reasons... One cause well I never liked work... Two I wont be getting a pay check this week, and three I wont be able to see Josh when he gets out of school and has off for the last night in a while... That goes a long with what has been bothering me... We were laying in bed trying to wake up and we started talking about when we could have sex again... We havent in a really long time and we cant until the babys ready to be born since I alreayd went into preterm labour once... Yea I get urges and its really hard to hold back, but I know I have to for the health of my baby... But Josh doesnt... He said he was getting desperate... Of course whats the excuse of all the guys on Maury and Jerry Springer... They were all desperate... And the women in the relationship wasnt giving it up so they got it from someone else... Im always afraid of that... I wish I could be there for Josh and give him what he wants and what I sometimes want... I dont know any of the girls he does, or maybe just their names and what they look like, but I dont know their personalities or intentions when it comes to any guy... And now theres a new one... Im not going to mention a name, but I dont think anyone who reads this would know her... But thats all I know about her is her name... Josh has a lot of school work to be done and I understand he has a "group" but what he said still kinda bothered me... He said he was going to go over to a girls house to work on this project with her... Now I know shes in his group and has a boyfriend who is also Joshs friend, but still... He wont be there apparently cause he told me when "the boyfriend" gets home then hes going to have him help him with something else... I didnt like that at all... I hid it though cause I didnt want to upset Josh... What if he comments on being desperate or jokes about he and I not having sex and she tries to do something about it... I dont know her at all I wont and cant trust her... Especially when its just going to be josh and her alone... I dont care if the roommate will be there either... I know it would upset Josh if I hung out with a guy he didnt know alone... It just really really really bothers me... It wouldnt bother me as much if she came to his house... Cause his parents would be there... I need to get out I guess and make new friends... All I have is Josh... Abby... and Jason... But I rarely see jason or abby... I just dont like the whole thing at all and its all im going to be able to think about for a long time... How would I know if she pulled anything to got away with things.. I dont know if Josh would tell me right away or if ever... I dont know her, her boyfriend, or any of her friends, so Id really never find out and thats what scares me... I should trust Josh, and I do to an extent cause of what he said about being desperate... I know how some guys are... Im not trying to say that Josh is always like most guys but he still is a guy.... I need to go do something to get this off of my mind... Its really got me bummed out... And I know theres no way to make it better... And I know I wont be able to stop it from happening... God I hate other girls... I wish there were less of them around Josh... I know Im being the jealous girlfriend type but I have a right to be now... Im not just Joshs girlfriend anymore... Im the mother of his child and his fiance... Girrr.....I dont know how Im going to be happy again for awhile... I hate temporary feelings... I hope his mom likes his room... I guess you can call it a "Mother-in-Laws day" gift.... I hate myself... |
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| Last night... | ||||
| 06:42pm 01/05/2005 | ||||
Despite the fact that it took my all day to clean it out, I still managed to stay up until 3:30ish last night... I think if I hadnt layed down I could have stayed up later... Josh and I went to a friends house and sat around there until about almost 2:45ish in the morning... I was glad to get out of both of our houses and see other people whom I usuallly dont get to see too often... Yea I may not be the best of friends with them and they may act really retarded at some points but they were all really nice guys... Of course I graduated with almost all of them so I knew them pretty well... One was my brothers friend and I used to hang out with him so I knew him, but there was one guy I really didnt know... He was nice, alittle stupid, but nice... Though I got tired of them pointing out the fact that Im pregnant and they tried to treat me alot different than I know they normally would, but its ok... I wont be pregnant for much longer... Despite all of that I was happy again last night... I got to be with Josh and other people and not feel out of place at all... I wish I could feel happy like that everyday... and everynight... Not neccesarily with other people, but just be happy and out, away from the house... I know I cant expect that everytime... But things have gotten better for me... Though I still have some of those crazy thoughts in my head... I think Im in the "nesting stage" of my pregnancy... I really wanted to clean out my room yesterday and now I have an urge to clean out Joshs... It could be nesting or it would be the fact that both our rooms really need it before we bring such a small person into either one of them... Well I just ate... A steak... wow... All of it... See I knew Id get over my beefaphobia... And I had a baked potatoe and a salad... It was all good... Then for desert my mom made me some strawberry short cake... Which is always good too... Alright, its time for me to lay down, cuase well now that my rooms clean I have nothing to do... I may start on Joshs tomorrow during the day, if he lets me... I dont know about his room though I wont be able to throw much out cuase I dont know what important papers he still needs soo Ill just put all of that in a box/bag or something and let him go through it then... I know Im not going to throw out any of his CDs... But there are a lot of empty soda cans, iced tea bottles, and that damn chocolate milk bottle thats been there ever since I started eating "Chocolate pepsi" after Id get home from work at night... Im going to lay down now I promise... I may come back cause Ill probably have something else to ramble on about...Im sure of it... |
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| happy... for a moment... | ||||
| 08:00pm 30/04/2005 | ||||
I was truely happy then when we just layed there for a few hours and talked and were close to each other... I was soo happy... I know that wont happen too often cause the next week he has a lot of work to do... But I always want him to get his work done before seeing me... Even though my parents were alseep right across the hall... I was still glad that it was just he and I awake in the house... It made me feel good to just be close to him again and not having to worry about my mom or dad wanting to talk to us, or either of our cell phones going off... I want that every night... Every day... Every minute.... I know that cant happen though... Not yet... Not now... Not for a while... I actually cleaned out my entire room... I mean I went through everything... I threw a lot of stuff away and got rid of a lot of clothing Ill probably never wear again... I can finally fit all my clothes in my dresser drawers and not have them all sprawled out all over my floor... That makes me alittle happier too... |
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| Hermit... | |||
| 12:09am 30/04/2005 | |||
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I feel like burden to everyone around me... I took my last pill... Hopefully there will be no more early contractions... I wish my betta fish would die... Or I would have the will power to just flush them or let them kill each other... I just want it to be he and I one night... I know we get that when his parents are asleep or mine are, but I really mean just he and I... No distraction... No cell phones, work, computers, tvs, other problems... Just myself and Josh... I hate just being able to see him late night... My body cant handle staying up late and he gets upset when I come over and fall asleep... I know its not his or my fault... I just wish we could have a day and/or night all to ourselves... I think he'll have to come here to see me tonight, by back feels like its going to break apart pretty soon... I know he'll either be too tired or hold the fact that I dont like when people drink and drive... Even if it is just one drink... Whatever... I guess Ill just have to wait and see him tomorrow... Possibly... Im sure hell have another excuse on why he'd be getting out of work late or calling me later than he used too... I can hear the baby's heart beat with that bebes sound thing... That makes me feel better knowing that his little heart is still going... Not to metion hes constantly moving around and gets he hiccups atleast twice a day... I swear to god he cant say no to anyone else but me... Happy Birthday Richie... I think thats who he said was having a party tonight... I wouldnt know... Im a hermit... Good night... |
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| lonely... | ||||
| 11:17pm 29/04/2005 | ||||
I cant wait for Noah to come out... I want so badly to know that hes healthy and ok... I also want to see what he looks like... I am really excited to start this new chapter in my life... Again tonight I wanted to see him soo badly... But I havent yet and Im not sure that I will... Im here alone, my parents are asleep and everyone else is out having fun and being around people... But I cant do that anymore cause oh noo someone might be smoking and I cant be around that... I dont even have any friends that I can hang out with anymore... The past week I feel like Ive just rotted away... Ive had way too much time to think and come up with really stupid shit in my head.. I let some of it get to me and I know it would never happen... Nothing will change when I go back to work though... Ill go to work, put up with strangers shit, come home and be a lone again... Some people may think guinea pigs are really stupid animals, but I know mine atleast can recognize who I am... He doesnt run away from me anymore and he makes noises back to me when I talk to him... Though I have to talk all excited to him for him to respond... He sleeps alot more with me, not in my bed, but out on the couch during the day... And he always knows when its time for me to take my pills cause hell purr right before my alarm goes off... Weird but thats what happens when all you have to entertain you at home is the TV and a guine pig... All I want to do is spend every minute of my day with him anymore... But hes always at school or work... I want to be with him all of the time when he actually does have free time... Lately hes been with his friends... And that he should be, but in a way it makes me sad cause I cant even have the same friends as he does cause they all smoke and I have nothing in common with most of the people he chooses to talk to... I know he doesnt like Abby and I do things with her, but he is the one that decides not to be around her or myself when im with her... And well shes the only person I hang out with anymore... I would hang out with Eric, but its been too long and we've both gone through different things, its just to weird for me to hang out with him without Josh being there... I dont think Josh would like me hanging out with Eric without him there either... Thats ok but I can garuntee that he has nothing to worry about... Im not wearing this for no reason... I still do feel like hes smoking... The other night he just seemed soo secretive about things... He wouldnt look me in the eye either... I dont know... Maybe its just me... I dont know anymore... Ive felt like forgetting everything and starting all over again... I cant... Theres too much thats too important for me to just forget about... Im going to lay down, cause one of the many glories of being pregnant I have really bad back pains... |
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| 08:45pm 28/04/2005 | |||
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I would love to tell everyone that Im happy and things could be better... Im emotionally all there now and I have everything straightened out... Sorry... I cant say any of that... I feel like ever since I got pregnant Ive become a burden on everyone in my life... Or I feel like they dont want as much to do with me... I feel like they make up stories so I dont have to be involved with what theyre doing... Or I feel like I cant do anything cause no one believes I can since Im pregnant... Except Abby... She tries to convince me that I can do just about anything I want... I like that but then again I hate saying no to her sometimes... I feel like some people are hiding things from me... I feel like they tell me what I want to hear but go and do something else... Or I feel like they try to hide it from me by making up excuses... It seems like everyone is a liar now cause they dont want to hurt my feelings... I feel soo alone... Yea I have like three friends that I still talk to... But this past week... Ive been a lone... MY mom always has other things to do and my dad works all of the time... Josh has school and work and when he has time off hes either going to see someone else or has a lot of school work to do... Then I feel like Im a distraction to him when Im there and hes doing work... Yeah theres always Abby... But theres nothing to do here in York... And I dont like when I have to depend on her to drive me places cause everyone else is too busy... So Ive started driving again... I feel fine with the meds and I havent wrecked yet so theres still hope... Ill admit I cried today... A lot too... And the only person I had around was my TV and my guinea pig... He slept on the couch with me and when I was upset he layed as close to me as he could and purred and made quiet noises until i calmed down... I hate living like I have been the past few days... And it wasnt even my fault... I never thought Id say/type/think this but I cant wait to go back to work... Atleast I wont be here alone anymore... Ill be alone again tomorrow... Ive been real depressed becuase of that... I havent been eating like I should... But being alone and depressed, Im never really in the mood to eat... I took Josh to El Serrano tonight... Im glad I got to see him for about an hour, but I got hungry cause I knew I wouldnt be in the house anymore and Id be around people who werent related to me... He went to see Eric right after he got home from school today... Yea he asked me to come over there too, but I didnt want to see anyone but him today.. So i didnt go... And now after we were done eating he went somewhere else, and im a lone again... I hate having so much time to think... I always am so pessimistic about everything... |
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| 05:50pm 26/04/2005 | |||
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I almost expected it to happen... But when it acutally did, I was scared and nervious at the same time... I didnt know what to do, I felt helpless... Thursday morning I was on my way home from Joshs... I felt normal... Just alittle gassy... I thought it would pass and Id feel better in a few minutes... Well when the slight pain wouldnt go away I though maybe I had to use the bathroom... I sat in that damn place for about 15 minutes when nothing changed... The pains kept getting worse... Then my lower back started shooting pains up to about my kidneys... I told my mom and we both didnt think much of it cuase we thought it was something normal with pregnancy... Im only 32 weeks (7 months and a couple days) along so we decided to call the doctor just in case there was something wrong... I waited for about a half hour... I called work told them that I had to wait for my doctor to call back before Id be able to come in... Around 8:45ish they called and told me that I had to go to Memorial Hospital to the family birthing center to be monitored... At first my mom asked me if I wouldnt mind going in myself cause we still didnt think anything of it, and she had to go to work... I thought damnit im going to miss a day of work because of gas pains... They strapped me to the bed and hooked me up to all sorts of gadgets... I didnt really ask them what was monoriting what cause I was really nerivous being in a hospital... My mom asked but I was thinking about all the worst things that could be going on... There was a computer monitor beside my head with two lines on it... One red and one black... The red one was the babys heart beat and the black on was for my contractions... Yes after she had told me that I learned that I was close to going into full preterm labor... I was laying there for about an hour and both lines were kind of jumpy... Apparently they didnt like the black on to have any bumps in it so they gave me a shot... It was to help calm the contractions... They told me it would make me shakey and not be able to pay attention very well... And they were right... It felt like i was dieing at first cause I felt so weak... But then it lightened up... They didnt like that so they gave me a pill... I now have to take that pill every 4 hours... Last night I took on at 8 then fell asleep to wake up again at midnight and then one more time at 4am... I got up at 8am to take another one and well I havent been able to get back to sleep... Im not allowed to work or drive... So Im stuck here at home... TV sucks really bad... Im hungry and I want some french fries from mcdonalds or something... Im just glad Im not in that hospital... Im going to have to go back after I get off these pills to see if they'll last... If not then they'll have to try other things... I just hope every thing turns out ok by the end of the week of these pills... I hate the way they make me feel sometimes... I had a doctors appointment yesterday... They're keeping me out of work another week... Im still going crazy and I need to get clothes but im stubborn and dont want to pay that kind of money... I dont know what im going to do... I need out of this damn house, and not to go somewhere else and sit in a house... i wish it would stay warm, i like sitting outside sometimes...im done... |
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| 07:56pm 02/03/2005 | ||||
I've been trying to get back into painting... i dont care for it much anymore... i need coloured pencils and maybe something else... im not sure what other medium ill try... i may go into walmart at some point tonight to see what they have cheap... i just cant get insipred... i did before i went to philly but i had no desire to finish it... my frog has no front, hands? paws? feet? i dont know what you call them when theyre on frogs... and well everything else is finished i think... i still have two unfinished paintings, but when i look at them i have a brain fart and dont know what to do with them... i really need a release... I dont have desire anymore... i dont care to do much and i never really have ambishion to do anything... like my art... i dont have any sexual desire anymore... its nothing about josh, its just being pregnant makes me not want anything like that right now... i feel bad for josh becuase i really want to make him happy, but i just never want sex anymore... and i feel horrible about that... maybe after this next ultrasound ill get some desire... any desire... sexual or not... I'm really worried about Noah... ive always been... ive just tried to hide it from everyone, especially josh... he doesnt seem excited about it though... and all he can say when i get worried is that everythings ok... i know theres not much else he can say without making me really worry... but i mean i know that he doesnt know for certain that everything will be ok... Noahs already smaller than what he should be... i always worry that im not doing enough for him and that for some reason he wont make it... my biggest fear is that i wont be able to hold him after hes born... that hell have to be put into one of those incubators or whatever they are and ill only be able to touch him with a glove or look at him through the glass window... I pray to whoevers out there, God Buddah, Otis.... whoever that they will give Noah the cahnce to have a good life and be healthy... i dont care about myself... i just want him to be all he can be and be healthy... im sooo worried about him....... im going into walmart with abby soon... so im going to stop this for right now... ill definately be back later on tonight... Jason, hang in there... |
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mellow| 10:56pm 28/02/2005 | ||||
this past weekend i was in philly with abby to see Jason... it was a lot of fun... i hope to see him more often... with work and the crapy weather its kind of hard sometimes... hes awesome and so is the city... his freinds all seem really nice down there too... he farts alot... fair warning to anyone who hasnt met him yet... but that doesnt bother me... i lived three years with it with those damn football players everyday after school... ive heard far worse things than farting from them though... its snowing and its really cold... that makes me depressed... i havent seen josh in almost three days either.... that doesnt help... i really hope i dont have to work tomorrow... that would be really really really really really really really really really nice... and no i wont make it up this weekend if i do miss tomorrow... i refuse, i want my weekends off again, i really liked that... everyone comes home for spring break this next week... eli comes home sunday i think or monday... kelly and heidi come home too sometime, but i can never remember when they said they're coming home though... hopefully Jasons going to stop by here this weekend before he heads home to gettysburg... we'll see... im glad i got most everything out that i wanted to... i dont remember if there was anything else to be said... so thats why i say most everything... it went well too... its been awhile since ive been able to do that... ive held back for awhile cuase i didnt know what would happen... i just feel alot better... kinda like when you have to fart really bad and it hurts and finally it just happens and you just feel sooo much better.... something like that... i dont have anything else to type about... im not tired so i may update again... i dont know yet... |
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blah| 10:36pm 28/02/2005 | |||
| I dont have anything to type about... my mood just completely changed... now im blank... i dont know how to describe this feeling... i hope it goes away... | |||
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| hmmm..... | |||
| 09:25pm 11/02/2005 | |||
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Today was a long day... I couldnt wait to get out of work... I didnt want to come home though... When i got on the highway i just wanted to keep driving East and not stop until i absolutely had to... but when i came closer to the hellam exit i realized i didnt want to end up in Jersey somewhere... alone without a gun... So I came home... Ive been sitting in my room for the longest time in the dark... I was just laying on my bed just imagining what it would have been like not to worry about anything and just drive... just relax and not have a particular place to go or anyone to see... just truely be on my own... I wouldnt want to stop driving.. it was a really good feeling... but of course i had to get up a pee cause Noah moved the wrong way... One of these days im going to do just that... drive with no destination or purpose... no worries... So much has been on my mind lately... i just need to get away... but im too scared of being attacked if i stayed somewhere by myself... really not knowing something is bothering me, but ill find out soon... i dont want to talk about it though with anyone... so im just going to drop it right now and try to obtain that feeling i had earlier today... Ill be back later... |
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