||[17 Aug 2003|11:18am]
I never update anymore. :-/
My dad thinks I need ritalin instead of zoloft. But if I want to get a prescription for it I have to go talk to Dr. Montgomery and I just really hate that guy. I reallllyyy hate him. But he's the only psychiatrist in the Bay Area that wasn't too busy.
I still don't know what school i'm going to this year. I really want to go to Village..due to the easy classes. I'm all fucking dysfunctional. I'm so scared for when school starts. It's like, impossible for me to even get up in the morning. I don't know what i'm going to do.
I'm having some major issues with people right now. Just..people in general..
I'm all messed up-like. I have major issues with food/sex/drugs/control. And I bet I have brain damage from all the shit i've done.
My dad is having a mid-life crisis. He's leaving for a month to go to Thailand or something. And then coming back and selling the house and then he wants to travel the world for a year. He says he wasted too much of his life and now he wants to make up for it or something (?) . It's depressing.
||[08 Aug 2003|07:11pm]
I just called Chelsea and played Got Rice - Asian Pride into her answering machine for 5 minutes. I'm funny.
||[12 Jul 2003|10:56pm]
Don't you just love how you have so much to say until you actually sit down to type it? That happens everytime I try to write in this. Lately i've been feeling different..like really sick. It's like mentally sick though. I feel like so sick mentally that it's making me physically sick or something..? I'm just really drained. And I think i'm going to start going to N.A meetings. Because i'm so unhappy with my life right now. I'm going absoloutely nowhere. And i'm just on a downward spiral, and I can see it all happening.
I have so much that I need to talk about but I can't form it into words. I'm not good with explaining things. Or making sense.
I want to change. Really badly. I swear to god I do. I just can't work up the strength for it. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need attention from the right people. And I need people in my life who aren't going to fuck me over.
I just need help or something.
||[12 Jul 2003|08:35pm]
Last night was all fucking bad. I don't want to even talk about it. But just, it was bad.
|"I'm not drunk. I want to go bowling!!!"
||[11 Jul 2003|02:28am]
||Now Or Never - Hot Rod Circuit
I just talked to Jon..Kari's ex boyfriend. He's in college now. I hadn't talked to him for like, a year. And just..wow. He stopped doing drugs. And he has a kid. And it's weird that he's cleaned up his life so much and mine has just fallen apart. I was seriously pretty stable when I used to know him. And now, so much has happened. I don't know. It's just depressing. I mean, i'm glad things are going well for him, but it's upsetting to see how much my life has deteriorated.
And I haven't seen Chelsea for a few weeks. And I miss her. :-/
I don't really like writing in this thing anymore, guys. And you probably don't like reading it anymore.
||[09 Jul 2003|10:22pm]
||crash into me - dave matthews band
New journal. I deleted my other one because my parents were reading it. They'll probably do the same to this one.
*Were you named after anyone?: i don't think so?
*Do you wish on stars?: nahhh
*Have you ever consumed gasoline? yeah i carry it around in my water bottle all the time. no. but the smell can be addictive.
*Which finger is your favorite finger? my pointer finger
*When did you last cry?: um. like, a week ago?
*Do you like your handwriting?: no
*Have you ever screamed at your feet? uhh. no.
*What is your favorite lunch meat?: but i don't eat meat.
*Have you ever owned a spork?: no. k. who made up these questions? seriously.
*Any bad habits?: a few.
*If you were another person, would you want to be friends WITH you?: yeah.
*Do you follow or lead?: depends
*Do you play with your food?: no. allie always does that. and i hate it.
*Have you ever had someone else play with your food?: no one touches my food or i break their wrist. that simple.
*Have you ever told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: yeah :-/
*Have you ever stolen anything?: yup
*Have you ever given yourself a swirly?: wtf. shut up.
*Do you pray?: when i panic.
*Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? no. leprachaun.
*Are you trendy?: not really.
*What do you do to vent anger?: i don't. i keep it all bottled up and then yell at undeserving people.
*Who is your second family?: allie's family.
*Do you trust others easily?: hah. NO.
*What class in school did you think was totally useless?: p.e, history, uh..all of them?
*Do you like sappy love songs?: yeahhhh
*Do you have a journal?: yeah
*Have you ever hurt another person?: yes
*Have you ever given advice to others: of course
*Do you feel understood most of the time?: not at all.
*Do you know what a `sctief' is?: no, because it means nothing.
*Would you ever bungee jump? yeah
*Do you untie your shoes everyime you take them off?: nope
*Have you ever given money to a bum?: yeah. all the time.
*What are you worried about right now?: nothing in particular
*Do you wear overalls?: haha nah
*Do you think you are strong, physically, mentally, emotionally?: no..
*Last Words: thank you.
*Lip Gloss: vaseline
*What Shampoo do you use?: lots of different kinds. overpriced.
*Favorite color: white. but i like them all.
*Hair Color: uh..like..brownish blondish? i dunno. i've dyed it like 3974282374 times. and it's all weird now.
*Eye Color: Brown
*What time is it right now? 10:35pm
*Last movie you saw in theater?: i can't remember. it's been a while.
*Favorite School Subject?: english
*Do you actually like math?: no.
*Favorite Book: most of the ones by chuck palahniuk, prozac nation, wasted, and uhh..just a lot. i could go on for days.
*Favorite Store: guess
*Favorite Song: i don't have one
*What languages do you speak?: english
*Do you have a crush on anyone?: nah
*How many people are on your buddy list?: 138
*What type of music do you like?: lots of different kinds
*What are your favorite sports? none. but i like hockey.
*Are you on any sports teams?: haha..uh..no.
What are your opinions on...
*Eating Disorders: i don't really have an opinion on them. except, they're bad? and it sucks that people have to go through that kind of shit.
*Marilyn Manson: apathetic.
*Boy Bands: they'll always be around because there will always be teenagers.
*Spice girls: haha i listened to them in like..3rd grade.
*Titanic: i can't watch that movie without crying.
*South Park: kind of lame. but kind of funny.
More Random Questions:
*What C.D's in your C.D. player right now?: burned cd
*What does your school look like?: it's real ugly.
*Do you go to private or public school?: public
*Do you want to get married?: nope
*What's something you do that TICKS off your friends?: change plans at the last minute//don't answer the phone
*Either or Neither?: ...the fuck?
*MTV or VH1?: both. or neither. doesn't matter.
*Backstreet Boys or N*SYNC: nsync.
*Matt Damon or Ben Affleck: BEN
*7th Heaven or Party of Five: 7th heaven
*Diet Pepsi or Pepsi One: i only drink clear soda's. k. thanks.
*Brandy or Monica: monica
*Chocolates or flowers: flowers
*Vanilla or Chocolate: Vanilla
*Tommy Hilfiger or Ralph Lauren: tommy.
*Saved by the Bell or USA High?: SAVED BY THE BELL.
*Silver or Gold: Silver
The Last of the Random Questions:
*Favorite Name for a girl: ???
*Favorite Name for a boy: ???
*Ever been to England: yeah
*If you could move anywhere in the world where would it be?: costa rica. or canada. :)
*Do you want to join a sorority? maybe.
*What time is it now?: 10:45pm