| liars. |
[04 Dec 2003|09:28pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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cavanaugh park - something corporate |
] |
i hate liars. i hate people that pretend to care. i hate.. everything. angst. fa;lksjdf
cody (9:30:38 PM): hey ...r u ok
me(9:11:11 PM): why do you care?
cody (9:31:45 PM): i just do
me (9:31:51 PM): i doubt it.
cody (9:32:08 PM): if i did not i would not ask
me (9:32:41 PM): i pretend. why shouldn't you?
cody (9:34:14 PM): i care when me freinds dont feel good
me (9:35:08 PM): i don't think you really consider me a friend.
me (9:35:34 PM): i'm just kind of there. i'm not anything special. nothing nice to look at. nothing interesting to talk to. *shrug* one day i guess i'll be used to just.. being there.
cody (9:36:43 PM): what is wrong
me (9:37:19 PM): .....
cody (9:37:49 PM): r u ok
me (9:39:48 PM): hmm.. no..
cody (9:40:00 PM): why
me (9:40:24 PM): because of.. stuff.
cody (9:40:39 PM): like what if u dont mind me asken.
yeah well.. im mean to him because he broke my heart. and.. i'm just so TIRED of being in me. i wish i was someone.. the opposite of me. happy.
<|3 me.
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| bet she picked the rock star. |
[01 Dec 2003|07:18pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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'sell you beautiful" rx bandits |
] |
wow, the conversation i had with lindesy about your closest friends are the only people that don't notice haircuts. haha. i mean, it's not that drastic.. but it's definantly noticeable. atleast i thought it was. i spent the whole day trying to find that guy.. and anthony doesn't know his name. which i found weird because he's FRIENDS with him. whatever. lol. andrew's pissed at me. still. and it sucks. well.. i'm gonna go. peace. <3Lissa
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| they say in time we will heal. |
[30 Nov 2003|04:08pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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music |
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my ten rides shot gun - brand new |
] |
wow. i'm so pissed at andrew right now. i'm just amazed at how selfish and wrong he is. as soon as he gets what he wants from me he tells jon all this stuff about how i said that jon was over-protective of all. which he IS. but andrew.. he likes to pretend like he's my friend. he's not. and i'm not falling for it anymore. i don't care enough. he's not that great to hang out with any way. he used to be, before he decided that everyone was supposed to feel bad for him and worship the ground he walked on. yeah before he called me his shadow and stuff. i can't help him. i just won't waste my time talking to him or jon. jon's pissed off at me because he says i talk about people and i told people i didn't like him and stuff. the only person i've said ANYTHING to was andrew and that was because i was already pissed off at him. i don't care. whatever. i don't care. peace.
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| if i could have one day back. |
[29 Nov 2003|05:25pm] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
] |
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music |
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nofx |
] |
i got my hair cut to my shoulders. everyone says it looks nice. i don't know if i like it or not, but i'll tell you one thing my head sure feels lighter.
so, caitlin called me and we went to the mall and saw brother bear i love that movie. i love disney movies. i made her leave in the middle so i could get chickfila. we put it in her purse and came back in. :)
caitlin spent the night and we watching deuce biglow, male giglow which is a pretty funny movie. i mean c'mon it has rob schineder (spelling) in it. then we were tired and went to bed but.. of course it took cutie (my cat) a looonng time to get comftorable.
we made chocolate chip pancakes. and watched that raven marthon thing. we didn't do that much. *shrug* my house isn't fun. oh well. her mom came and picked her up at 5.
i need red finger nail polish. i'm out.. and my hands feel naked.. even though they are. :)
well.. no ones online. i think i'll be getting off soon. i haven't decided.
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| my name is distance. |
[28 Nov 2003|01:29am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
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music |
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the fan seems pretty loud. |
] |
to start : happy thanksgiving
ok, thanksgiving was alright. we ate some food. and then i took a nap. :)
i was talking to cody online for a while, and it seemed like he wanted to talk to me "more" or something. I'm not going to let myself think he actually wanted to. I'm just going to go ahead and think that because it's Thanksgiving that he's in a good mood. i'm done tricking myself into thinking that i could ever matter to him. it's pointless. he never led me on. i did it. it was all me. and now.. there's nothing i can do about it.
so.. i stayed up late to see thursday on conan obrien. that performance kind of made me sad. *shakes head* anyway, since i slept so much today i can't really sleep so i'm updating this thing and talking to andrew. he apologized for being so mean at the mall yesterday. which is good. :)
goodbye lovely.
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| somebody let me out. |
[26 Nov 2003|10:30pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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blink 182 - feeling this |
] |
ok.. so.. today sucked. but.. there's this *new* guy. wow. i'm sick. lol. and.. he has the prettiest eyes i've ever see in my life. and he's pretty sexy. and.. i talked to him bc him and anthony are friends and wow. he's sexy. lol. and he's really really sweet. and.. ali thinks me and him should go out. she just.. decides stuff. we had a half day.
me jon ali and andrew went to the mall. we saw haunted mansion. and.. ok.. so i have weird friends and jon was like "can i do that ear nibble thing to lissa?" omg. it was the coolest thing ever.. but i wish.. that guy that i don't know his name bc i suck did it. :)
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| mommy's little monster. |
[25 Nov 2003|09:28pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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music |
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blink 182 - ? i duno i just got the cd today. |
] |
hello. i've decided the best way to do anything is to go about it all the wrong way. to lie, to cheat, to be rude.. etc. because those people always get what they want, and i deserve a little something every once in a while, right? maybe i'm kidding myself. i tell them i'm happy. and it works. they believe me. it's great. but it's sick.
anyway, i think i like chris. *nod* yes. because he's sexy. and he's in a band. and he laughs.. really cool. i don't know. i like his laugh. and he's only talked to me once. and i pretty much ignored him.. patrick came over and said something to ali bc they're kinda friends, and chris said, "yeah i'm just here to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid" AND HE WAS SEXY. and i didn't say anything. and he does stuff like.. hold the door and crap and i don't even say thankyou. *sad face* i'm so weird.
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| just one cherry. i'll play again. |
[23 Nov 2003|02:28pm] |
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mood |
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guilty |
] |
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music |
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fight the fade - count the stars |
] |
i got up. and cleaned. and mom saw my arm. the cuts aren't deep. and i did them a couple days ago.. so i could lie and say it was a while ago. and i could tell she cared. and how much it hurt her. it made me sad. she made me promise that the next time i was sad like that.. i should come talk to her. i promised.
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| secrets. |
[22 Nov 2003|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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no lies, just love - bright eyes |
] |
joel and josh went to the clemson/carolina game. joel's gonna be gone all weekend. good for him. i did his work for him. mom gave me money for a pizza. and i went to broadway with dustin and mandy. we had funny. we didn't do too much. but it was fun. :) i'm home now.. a little sleepy and a little sad. and i really shouldn't be sad. it's just..whenever i think about cody i can't help but thinking that i wasn't good enough for him. and he's all i want. but.. there's nothing i can do about it. i can't change his mind. i can't fix it. i can't do anything. and i want is for him to say the sweet stuff like before.. like..
Cody: *sends hugs and kisses*
Me: you don't want to kiss me.
Cody: acutally, i wouldn't mind.
why? why does he mind now? why can't i be his everything?
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| sorry for what i've done. |
[21 Nov 2003|07:10pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
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music |
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wakefield - girls rock boys. |
] |
i'm waiting for mandy to get online. today.. was actually a lot of fun. i went to the mall with mandy, dustin, and anthony. and we had a great time. i think anthony and dustin know a lot more about me and know that i'm not all bad. haha. we walked to wendy's and we hung out there for a while. and then anthony said, "cody's fuckin stupid." and then he changed the subject. but later i asked him what he meant.. and he didn't answer me. but mandy said, "you know she used to like him.. right?" and he just said, "why does everybody like him? he's an idiot." i know he is. but i just liked the thought that someone as sweet as him could like me. but he did. and he doesn't now. it makes no difference. mandy and me pushed each other around in shopping carts in the parking lot at belk. it was fun. :) then we went to kmart and hung out for a while. but before that i found out that anthony MET conor oberst TWICE and.. that's not fair. lol. i want him and mandy to go out sooo bad. but dustin likes mandy too. *sigh* lol. i saw this guy.. and he was by far.. sexier than any guy at my school. even though i think i kind of like somebody. but i can't because i don't have even the slightest chance. he's in a band.. and millions of girls like him. so.. oh well. lol. it's ok. i just think he's hot. probably because he has his lip pierced and i'm a sucker for that. lol :x annnyway... i want a gamecube and mario kart 2 for christmas.. :) and i start guitar lessons thanksgiving! woo! :) well. i'm off..
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| pity. |
[20 Nov 2003|03:56pm] |
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i can't help but feel alone.
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| we cut you off. |
[18 Nov 2003|03:08pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
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music |
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steps ascend - thursday. |
] |
jon & ali came over today. and jon has a new fascination with my butt??? i don't get it either. he kept suggesting a threesome. yeah.. well.. no. people are weird. and whatever i'm doing i kind of start thinking about cody. i don't mean to. i really don't. i would much rather not know he existed. but i do. and it makes me sad because of how much i like him and how little he likes me. i probably would've moved on by now but a little part of me still has this pathetic hope that he'll change his mind. he won't what am i talking about? TODAY IS ANNE'S BIRTHDAY! SHE'S THE BEST! HI ANNE!!!
i want cody to like me. and to.. he has pretty eyes.. and a really nice smile.. and it's all i can't think about. i'm pathetic. i.. need like medicine or something.
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| we say it once. then we drift away. |
[17 Nov 2003|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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bright eyes - bent on broken nerves |
] |
i wrote a poem.
We say it once.
Then we just... drift away.
Black eyes and bloody fingers.
Unevening breathing.
Even you couldn't see this coming.
There. Finished.
The last nail in my only coffin.
While your sitting there wondering what could've been, I decay.
The future holds nothing for you.
Enough pretending.
Sympathy's for people who never bleed.
It's not very long. Then again.. none of my poems are.
I really only want one thing. A guy.. that would care about me so much. And respect me. I just want.. a guy that's worth my time.. that will be sweet. It's too much to ask. I know. But I can't help it. It sucks being lonely.
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| suck it up. |
[16 Nov 2003|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
] |
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music |
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wakefield |
] |
hello. i had an interview for the people to people thing. i find out if they accept me wed. i really don't think they accepted me. i mean, all the other people are smart, intellegent.. etc. like.. GOOD kids. i'm really not. :x i don't know who nominated me.. but.. they must've did it accidently. i don't have much of a voice.. and i doubt i'll have one at all anymore. *sigh* oh well. joel might go to florida for college. i'd miss him.. a lot. since i have a cold and i need to get over it i should go to bed. but i know i can't sleep. *shrug*
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| give me a reason. that i should care anymore. |
[14 Nov 2003|10:23pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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nothing. at all. |
] |
you know.. i find it nearly impossible to make myself believe anything good. it's.. like missing. i want to believe that my friends are honest good people at heart. that they don't want to make me sad. i really don't know anymore. i want to believe that when someone goes to virgina that they might call you. that they might use their little phone card to call you.. not just their boyfriend. but.. i guess they're blinded by their own fucking ignorance. well, one day we'll all wake up and realize we've always been alone. i want to believe that he cares. i want to pretend like i could have him care. but i know he never will. i just want him to walk up to me.. and hug me forever. but he won't. just because he knows that i'd appreciate that. that i would melt in his arms. how lame am i? i mean.. come on. i never had a chance.. with any one. ever. at all. and i just wanted to pretend like i did. for a little while. i guess to just see how it worked out. i went to my counselor.. and she asked me about my arm and i put my jacket on. it's none of her buisness. it's not like she can help me. the only reason i'm really going is so that my mom will let me do more stuff. i just want to talk to cody. i really do. i just want him to be sweet.. to want to talk to me. like before.. when he said that he would rather talk to me. but now he'd rather be doing anything. and now.. i'm just here. slowly dying because truthfully.. the only thing i need is some guy to love me. i don't think i'd feel like this if i still had my dad. but i don't. i woke up this morning and cried. just because i really am starting to realize how much i miss him.. and how i can't see him.. at all.. ever. and it hurts me. and i just want my dad back. that's all i want. how happy would i be? yeah.. too happy to ever cry. i wouldn't need to cry. because i'd have him. i'd have my dad. and all these lucky people that still have their dads... and i don't. that's all i need. HOW FUCKING PATHETIC AM I? I should be over this. a year and a half. and i'm just starting to realize.. that he's not coming back. and i have to live with out him.. forever.
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| welcome to existance. |
[11 Nov 2003|10:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
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music |
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konstantine - something corporate |
] |
hi. today sucked. as usual. it's pathetic. when was the last time that i didn't worry about something? when was the last time i felt ok to be myself? when will it BE the last time i ever think of cody? i mean.. really, it's fucking sad that i still care, it's been what? 12 weeks? And no. I still like him after 12 weeks. 12 fucking weeks of liking the same guy. i can't help it. and i'm so dissapointed in myself. i just want to never have to think about him again. not to want him to get online. not to want to see him on my way to class. i just can't believe how pathetic and stupid this is. i want to let him go. but.. the only reason i want to is because he doesn't like me. and that's it. and that.. he pretty much hates me. and all i've done is be sweet.. or try. i'm not great at that. i'm too sad. or caught up in doing other things. i just.. want someone to care. right anne? lol. yeah.. someone that needs us like we need them.. i know it's too much to hope for.. i'm.. too sad.. too boring.. too lifeless.. too sarcastic.. too ugly.. too.. busy.. yeah. whatever. i just want to know what it's like for someone to care.. like i care. but.. it will never happen. i can't hope for things.. and there just aren't any more fucking stars to wish on.
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| the sun burns. |
[10 Nov 2003|02:00pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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something corporate |
] |
bah. hamlet came to our school today.. i didn't get to watch it. which sucks. but. oh well. its cold. but i love this weather. i really do. it's great. :) today was alright. panda asked me if i hated cody. and josh asked me if i LIKED cody. *shakes head* whatever. he's a loser.. that i still like.. a lot. :(
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| tell me about something that will last. |
[09 Nov 2003|03:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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frustrated |
] |
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music |
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"good fight" dashboard confessional. |
] |
i thought maybe for once i would have a good weekend. and it did start off pretty good. i went to the mall w/ mandy and dustin. dustin.. likes mandy. which is sweet. but she likes his best friend. it was brad's birthday.. all four of us hung out. ali and jon were there but nobody really cared. lol. saturday me and ali hung out and i spent the night and stuff. it was like the "old" days bc jon was at the clemson game. and they weren't on the phone at all. we played games and did stupid stuff.. but.. it was really fun.. just because i got to hang out with the old ali. and she came over and we saw patrick (who was looking mighty fine- haha) on the way home. she went home. and i spent the whole weekend trying to NOT think about tbs and saves the day concert. but.. ali called and asked if i could go.. and i asked AGAIN and my mom said no. ive still NEVER been to a concert. it sucks. :x i mean.. she thinks 14 is "waaayyy" too young to go to concerts. *shakes head* ali decided she was gonna trick me and say she was going to tbs and stuff w/o me. and it did piss me off bc her and jon trick people ALL the time and it's so fucking old. and cody.. i just want him to like me. and he never will. *sad face* tomorrow's a new day.. but these friends of mine will still be fucking assholes. *shrug*
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| broken windows. broken glass. reminders of the youth we lost. |
[06 Nov 2003|09:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cranky |
] |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio |
] |
I don't know anything about you. But I love you.
Maybe I can change his mind. Make him like me. I just like him so much. I don't want to.. I really don't. I'm just fooling myself. I never had a chance...
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| im slipping in between. |
[05 Nov 2003|05:06pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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konstantine - something corporate. |
] |
today sucked. that's it. that's all. this whole week sucks. i hate school. i hate waking up. i hate not being able to sleep for.. ever.
Are you afraid to find out that your alone?
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