| blah... |
[04 Dec 2003|08:45am] |
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Just a little bit longer and I will be on vacation. No school til February. That's gonna be great.
Feelin kinda blah today. I was pretty giddy last night because I finally finished my English paper, but I know I still have a bunch of stuff ahead of me, so I got over that pretty quickly. What I really wanna do is go home and play video games. I think that's what I'll do when I get home from school tomorrow. My brother let me borrow True Crime: Streets of L.A. and it's so fun, but I haven't had a chance to play it since Sunday. I also bought Fatal Frame recently which is pretty cool too. Hopefully I'll get more games for Christmas.
By this time tomorrow I will have finished writing all of my papers. All that's left are finals. Yuck.
Anyhoo, I don't really have much to say so I'll end this now.
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| #*%($^@!!!! |
[28 Nov 2003|10:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sacrification - Youjeen |
] |
Grrr... All the cuss words in the world couldn't express how mad I am at Tony right now. Why must he be so rational all the time. If a person is sad, they're sad. There has to be a reason for everything. But no, to him, if there is no clear reason why a person is sad then they choose to be sad. Why doesn't he get it? All I want from him is to show a little compassion and I all I get is his bullshit psychological rhetoric.
He expects me to realize that he does care and when he hurts my feelings he is sorry, but he never comes across that way. I am just supposed to take what he says to me as constructive criticism. How hard is it to say "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings"? Instead, I get a conversation that goes a little something like this:
me: i don't mean to start anything with you, but from your e-mail you didn't really seem to care that you hurt my feelings
him: my email might not have shown it, but if you dont think i do, then its silly
What!? Ugh, he makes me so mad sometimes. I know I can be pretty hard to deal with myself, but I am always the one apologizing for everything because I always feel guilty. How am I supposed to know he cares when he doesn't act like it. He can be so hard to talk to. I don't want to fight with him because I really love him and I don't want him to end up hating me over something stupid, but there are times when it is so hard to say what I really want to say.
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| i want to pull out my hair... |
[24 Nov 2003|10:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
Why isn't school over yet!? It's killing me. It causes me to cry more than usual which is bad enough as it is. Grr... I can't make myself do this work. It's all so ricockulously unnecessary.
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| pretty please... |
[20 Nov 2003|08:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
Will someone read this and let me know what they think? It's something new I put on my site and I'm wondering if I should do more stuff like that. Thanx.
Have a nice day everyone! *HUG*
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| feels like forever... |
[13 Nov 2003|08:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
meh... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kevin & Bean on KROQ |
] |
My, it's been a little while. I don't really have much to say actually... I'm not up, I'm not down, just somewhere in the middle. My head seems to be empty at the moment. Oh well, I'll update later or when I really have something to say (which ever comes first).
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| warning: whiny babyness ahead... |
[06 Nov 2003|08:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Joga - Björk |
] |
Maybe it's stress, maybe I'm just tired, I don't know what it is, but I feel like crap. I feel so empty. I need something, but I don't know what. Just something or someone to make me feel good for a change. And I don't mean good for a few minutes and then I go back to feeling nothing. I can get plenty of that on my own. Grr... it's hard to find something when I don't even know what to look for.
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| i really hate me sometimes... |
[29 Oct 2003|07:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
Why is no one EVER around when I need them!?
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| my eyes! the goggles do nothing! |
[27 Oct 2003|09:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Homestar Runner - The Very Low Sodium Band |
] |
I see spiders that aren't really there. That can't be good...
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| this was pretty freaky... |
[20 Oct 2003|06:01pm] |
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Here's my crazy dream from last night. I wrote as much as I could remember on a piece of paper when I woke up this morning.
It starts out at my old house.
Me and a group of people (an English class) were sitting in the living room by the window. I think we were kind of expecting someone to come. [stuff had happened before this, but i don't remember what...] Suddenly, the curtains closed a little and we wondered how that happened. We see a figure outside on the porch and everyone is scared. Then, a gun peeks in through the window. The person shoots three people (all of which were close to me). [strangely enough there was no blood...] I sneak off to my room and get my cellphone out of my back pack to call 911. I get some automated voice menu thing. I can't hear/understand what it says so I push the number 3 then got another voice in a different language. I hang up and go back to the living room and see Dr. Hall (my creative writing teacher from two semsesters ago) is making everyone go out to the front lawn and lie face down in different groups and positions. [there may have been chains as well...]
I take a spot quickly so she doesn't notice I was still in the house. She talks a little, but I can't remember what she says, all I know is I am scared to death because I think she is going to kill us all. My back was very tense. I never stopped thinking she was going to shoot me in the back so I was bracing myself. She then grabs some sort of saw and a sweater. She ties the sweater around a person's neck (another who was close to me) and explains some weird method for cutting someone's head off. She tells someone to hold the sweater and pull on the sleeves while she saws at the neck. I turn away so I can't see it, but I still hear it. It was like a grinding sound. It was awful. I made a mental note that there were no cars driving down the street which is very odd because it's normally extremely busy. The surrounding houses also seemed to be empty. I wonder how she managed that. Then something happened, I don't remember what, but she dropped the saw and went over to the porch. Everyone then got up and tried to grap her to stop her. One especially big guy grabbed her, but I think she did some sort of self-defense move and got out of it.
This is when the dream changes locations from my front lawn to my school auditorium. During the commotion I ran to the far end of the auditorium where people were preparing for a play. I tried desperately to get them to help me. At first it seemed like they would because I saw them go to a pay phone. I thought they were going to call 911. They didn't and just ignored me so I asked another person who blew me off too. I asked why I would joke about something so serious. I begged and begged until I heard Dr. Hall's voice. "Holly, come out of 'Jesus'." Apparently they were preparing for some play about Jesus Christ.
I knew she was coming for me so I then ran for my life. I had to get away, as far away as possible. I ran across campus. It didn't look like my campus [it never does in my dreams...] but it was it. I went into a building to ask someone for help. All I got was a woman with a bad attitude. I left and went to another place where a bunch of people were eating. I went up to a table with four people and asked for their help. One happened to be a security guard of some sort. He agreed to help me so we headed back to the auditorium. I told him about the big guy who couldn't hold her and suggested calling for back up.
This guy was so easygoing. A bit too easygoing. He walked so slow as if he wasn't in any kind of hurry at all. I kept thinking Dr. Hall might start shooting people one by one until I got back, so I had to get back soon. Somehow we were no longer on campus so I just followed him since he looked like he knew where he was going. We walked through the entrance of some mall and then got on a bus (which I thought was going in the wrong direction. I took a seat and that's when I woke up. Did she kill them all? Did I save them? The world may never know...
There you have it, that was my dream. The only memorable dream I've had in a really loooong time. So the moral of the story is, Jesus doesn't save. Hehe... Don't kill me, it's a joke.
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| this sounds about right... |
[17 Oct 2003|06:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Simpsons on TV... |
] |
( Big 5 Personality Test )
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| it's just emotions... |
[16 Oct 2003|08:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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a little bothered |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dola Re Dola - Devdas Soundtrack |
] |
I knew I annoyed him! I knew it! Well, Tony didn't exactly come right out and say I was annoying, but he might as well have. Last night we were having a conversation about an observation I made. I told him I noticed how rational he was as opposed to emotional. He said there should be a balance between rationality and emotions. I gave him an example from a couple days ago.
I was feeling really down after he had left last Friday and I hadn't been sleeping well, so basically I was one big ball of crap. I told him about this and he said it was probably because of lack of exercise. I had mentioned I wasn't in the mood to do squats anymore (i'd been trying to get my tush in order...), so somehow that was the cause.
He did not deny my observation. He says it's best to be emotional when you're alone. Geez.. this guy should read Plato. Anyway, then came the big question, "Do you think I'm too emotional?" I know I am, but I wanted to know if I came across that way to him. His answer: sometimes. I asked for an example and he pretty much told me I'm too emtional when I say stuff about being unhappy at home and my inability to do things... and probably a whole bunch of other stuff I whine about. I can't say I blame him though. I am emotional, I am whiny, and I do bitch and complain a lot.
My biggest problem with him is that his lack of emotion gives me the impression he doesn't care. When I'm feeling down I want comfort, not someone to tell me to go take a nap. I know he doesn't mean to be insensitive, but I dunno... I'd like to get the impression that he cares. That's probably why I complain so much. I'm hoping that one day he'll surprise me and show a little compassion.
[edit]
I forgot to mention I made a new community called  fortune_kookies. I dunno why... I just wanna be connected to more people. It will hopefully bring out the silliness in everyone.
[edit #2]
This is entry #100.
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| i win...i lose... |
[13 Oct 2003|09:52pm] |
I saw Tony on Friday. I couldn't have been happier. Then he left... It's not like he could have stayed, but since he walked out the door I've been an emotional wreck. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be.
I only want one thing in life and that's to be with him, but, as he says, "we can't always have what we want." Since he left I can't stop thinking about how alone I am. I hate school so much, it's so lonely there. I barely speak to anyone. The few friends I have never seem to fill this incredible void.
Well, I forgot what else I was gonna write. So... I'm out.
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| ZzZzZzzZzzzZz... |
[06 Oct 2003|10:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
I think my brain died a couple days ago... or perhaps my inability to think is due to the fact that I haven't had a good nights sleep since June.
Ever been so tired you could cry?
I want to be free... but if I was free, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. What a conundrum.
I want a boyfriend not a f-buddy. I want to be told I'm loved. And not that "I luv ya" bullshit either; that's worse than not saying it at all.
I want too much. I will only be let down.
My sleepy state results in choppy sentences. My thought process is shot.
Shutting down now...
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| i wish it could be like this forever... |
[02 Oct 2003|12:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
relaxed |
] |
Momentary relaxation feels mighty fine. I like the calm me.
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| a hiatus from life... |
[29 Sep 2003|09:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
stressed |
] |
I wish I could just say "I don't like it here, so I'm going to take a break from life. Goodbye." and just go into a deep sleep for a few days, maybe a week. I'd like a blissful coma in which I could just escape into a dreamland far from everything. No pressure, no lonliness, no rejection, no anything. No reality whatsoever. Just fantasy.
Hm, if that really happend, I'd probably never want to wake up.
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| flaws are inescapable... |
[26 Sep 2003|02:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence |
] |
My minds been pretty empty lately. Well, not really empty considering it's constantly full of school stuff, but it's devoid of everything else. I don't feel anything and if I do, it's usually lonliness or some other thing spawned from my usual self-deprecation. Being awful to myself is like running myself over with a car. It sounds ridiculous because it is, but I continue to do it. It's a lose-lose situation with me. I could ask a person what they think my good traits are and when they tell me I won't believe them. Funny how the mind works. I'm not being humble I just don't see what they see. Think of it as your parents saying you're good looking. Parents don't count, right? They say it because they love you. Love is blind, people aren't. It's a shallow world out there so it's hard to maintain the "I don't care what other people think" attitude. Well, for me anyway. I have no idea where I'm going with this, so I guess I better get back to my homework.
*sigh* Homework on a Friday. What is the world coming to?
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| someone get me out of here i'm tearing at myself... |
[22 Sep 2003|12:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
I hate school. I feel so alone here.
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| happy birthday |
[18 Sep 2003|08:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
I'd like to wish a happy birthday to my chicky Julia aka  urealizeihateu! I hope your day goes well.
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| grr... |
[15 Sep 2003|09:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
There's too much going on in my head. I can't think straight.
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| a pointless entry... |
[12 Sep 2003|02:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Smoke - Sarah Fimm |
] |
Hmm... I'm here, but I don't really have anything to say. It appears my life is at some sort of standstill. I suppose that's a good thing and I shouldn't complain, but it's really boring right now. I sound like I'm asking for trouble. I don't want trouble. I don't know what I want. I think I say that a lot. It's true though. I know what I want, but I don't know what I want. I'm sure that makes no sense whatsoever. I guess the simple thing to say would be "I'm confused."
After reading what I just wrote... or typed.. or whatever, I notice I think in very choppy sentences. Why am I pointing that out? See what happens when a person is really bored? They literally just put down whatever thoughts are in their head. I often think about thinking. I will actually say in my mind "I am thinking right now." or something silly like that. Wow, this gets more pointless by the second. My lip hurts badly. I few days ago I bit it in the exact same place 3 times. I dunno if biting my lip is the cause, but the right side of my mouth hurts a bit too. As they would say in Japan, ITAI!!! (OW!!!) I kinda like when I ramble like this. It frees the mind of all thoughts no matter how dumb they may be. I guess I'll stop now. As they say in Japan, ja ne! (cya!)
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