| i'm so bad... |
[26 May 2004|07:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
Geeez... I haven't updated in such a long time. Lemme see... what's been going on with me? Just one more day of school left and then summer vacation!! This semester actually when really fast. I'm glad it's over though. I am really ready for a break. I have one last final tomorrow morning. I should really be studying for it right now, but I am so already on vacation it's not even funny. I'm probably being lazier right now than if I really was on vacation. Okay, I'm going to try to force myself to look at my notes. I'll try to be a better updater. I hope everyone's well.
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| another one of those moments... |
[13 Apr 2004|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
I hate myself so much right now. I'm so tired of being me. I always mess things up. I don't want to believe I'm a bad person, but I keep doing things that make me feel like I am.
My life lacks compassion.
Why can't they see how much I hurt? Why can't he see?
Whatever... I hate people.
Especially those annoying chicks in Bio. "If you stare into a microwave can you get leukemia? My mom told me you could!" Some people should never breed. Ever.
Alrighty, drama over.
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| just my 2 pennies... |
[12 Apr 2004|09:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Swan on TV... |
] |
So I'm sitting here watching The Swan (on FOX of course) and wondering if I would get plastic surgery. I doubt I ever would, but if I did, I wouldn't use these doctors. One of the chicks they worked on last week ended up (in my opinion) looking like a drag queen. They put these awful hair exstensions in and they look so incredibly fake. I think without the extensions they'd probably look a lot less like transvestites.
On a more serious level, I can somewhat relate to these women. I know what it's like to feel... I'll just say less than beautiful and undesirable. Even though Tony tells me all these wonderful things I still feel like I'm not good enough and he could do so much better. I'm not pretty and I'm not sexy. I know nobody's perfect and I don't try to be, I just want to be good enough for me and it seems like I can never seem to get there.
It's so hard to not be hung up on looks. The need to be beautiful according to what the rest of the country thinks is so damn hard. There's all these people getting plastic surgery and all these rating communities. Those communities always say "It's just a community, don't take it personal." They're rating your looks. How are you not supposed to take that personally? So those who get rejected have to go and make a community of their own. Seems silly to me. As if I really need more people telling me I'm not pretty enough. All people really want is to belong. It's too bad we have to be judged on something so incredibly subjective. It's all so relative yet it matters so much.
I don't even try. I hate shopping, so I'm not trendy. I don't look good in dresses. I hate those damn mini skirts all the girls are wearing. I would never wear one of those. Ugh, that just reminded me of those irritating sorority chicks in biology. Why do they always have to sit in my area? Anyway, why can't I be me and be okay with it?
Alrighty, the show is just about over and the doctors have redeemed themselves. This woman looks amazing.
How funny, as I was writing this a commercial about self-esteem came on. They make it seem like it's so easy to just suddenly start feeling better about yourself. It was narrated by Jennifer Lopez... and that's sposda make me feel better...? Hmph.
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| ooh... |
[10 Apr 2004|02:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pleased |
] |
I made a new icon. The more I look at it, the more I love it.
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| buh... |
[08 Apr 2004|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 grumpy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Making the Band on TV... |
] |
So here I am updating with absolutely nothing to say. I'm getting toward the end of spring break. It went way too fast. I'm so tired of school. I don't want to go back on Monday, but if I don't go to school, what will I do? I have no career plans. I suck. I'm going no where. It seems like almost every day I'm asked what am I going to do. What kind of job do I want? And I always say I don't know. I really, truly don't. That scares me. I have no future. I can't live with my mom the rest of my life. I have to do something. The problem is I have no desire to do anything. I hate this. I just want to sleep forever. I hate waking up and feeling the same way every single day. I don't know what to do with myself.
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| sometimes... |
[22 Mar 2004|11:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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morose |
] |
Sometimes as I sit waiting for the bus I consider walking out into the middle of the street. Why? Because I'm so tired of everything. I just want to sleep forever. But then I think about what would happen if I did. Everyone would hate me for being a selfish bitch that resorted to such cheap cop-out. I don't want anyone to hate me. I don't want to hurt anyone either. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could say, "Screw them all!" and just do it. Lousy conscience... won't let me do anything. I love Tony and I live for him, but not being with him makes everything so hard. I'm so tired of feeling so empty.
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| i wish... |
[18 Feb 2004|11:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
I wish I could be better.
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| how i feel right now... |
[11 Feb 2004|09:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pick one from the list |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Seemayen Bulaye Tujhe - Alka Yagnik |
] |
Just a list... Forgive me for being dramatic.
Angry.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Ignored.
Lonely.
Unwanted.
Undesirable.
Unloved.
Mad.
Crazy mad.
Needy.
Lost.
Confused.
Unhappy.
Hopeless.
Silly.
Pathetic.
Guilty.
Scared.
Hurt.
Alone.
Like crying.
Despite the fact that I understand maybe two words in this song, I love it. It puts me at ease. Sometimes music works best when you can't understand the words. It's just music. Nothing more, nothing less. No label. Just... music. I can enjoy it without anything else getting in the way. I don't know why I'm going on about this. I guess I need to talk about something that pleases me. Music is one of the few things I enjoy and never get tired of. I supposed that's the same with most people. It has this power that just makes everything seem okay even for only 4 minutes. I don't know why I have an attraction to music in different languages, but it doesn't really matter. I like what I like. Sure, people look at me weird when I tell them what I'm listening to, but I couldn't care less. Anyway, I'm rambling so I'm gonna go now.
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| this is actually believable... |
[26 Jan 2004|11:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sajna - Shibani Kashyap (in my head) |
] |
I took the mood test at colorgenics.com.
You are feeling really miserable at this time and you'd like to form a relationship with someone with whom you could really communicate. At the same time, whoever it may be, that special 'someone' must not conflict with your own belief system or ideals. This makes for tough going - but it would seem that the situation is only transitory. It will soon pass.
Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren't working out and you don't quite know which way to turn.
The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.
Having experienced considerable disappointment of late and not knowing quite what to do about it this has led you to suffer a great deal of agitation and anxiety. You are trying very hard to make favourable impressions all round. You feel that you have a right to do anything that you wish without being condemned for your beliefs. Everything seems to be going against you and you feel helpless to change the situation. The possibility of failure is most upsetting and this situation is leading to untold stress. You honestly believe that the situation is not of your making - it is not your fault - you have been misled and abused by those that you trusted, but you are trying to look at the situation quite dispassionately. Would you perhaps not agree that this situation could be regarded as unrealistic self justification?
You are worn out - suffering from what has been described as 'burnout' and nothing seems to stimulate you to break away from this state of lethargy. This situation is causing an acute distress situation and not being able immediately to resolve the problems is exposing you to excess stress and tension. You are endeavoring to break away from this situation by withdrawing into a state of 'Never Never Land' - an illusory substitute world in which things could be as you would like them to be. Now is the time to take time-out - to relax. A short break is all that you need and you will find that matters will resolve themselves.
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| i know it's me, but still... |
[13 Jan 2004|06:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
I don't know why I continue to read my high school friends' LiveJournals. All it does is depress me because I feel so left out. I can't blame anyone but myself though. I'm the one that loses contact. I don't know what my problem is.
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| my new baby... |
[13 Jan 2004|10:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 okay |
] |
I have a new doggy. She's so byooteeful. We're still in the training process, but things aren't going too bad. She's pretty smart. I don't have an out of control puppy. She's got enough energy, but not too much. She'll be a year next month. The housbreaking is going surprisingly well, but she's getting a bit too familiar with the pool for my taste. We need another gate so I won't have to worry about her so much while she's outside. We're trying to get her used to being outside during the day, as if I was at school, that way it won't be a shock for her when I go back.
As crazy as she makes me sometimes, I'm actually in a good mood (which is a bit rare for me).
Anyhoo, that's about all the news I've got.
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| stupid me... |
[09 Jan 2004|12:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
Wow, it only took 5 minutes for my mood to shift. Grrr... I always say the wrong thing when I talk to Tony. Now I feel bad. It happens every time. I feel like he's done something yet somehow it all ends up being my fault.
GUILT is my worst enemy. It will kill me someday.
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| say hello, Aish... |
[09 Jan 2004|12:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pleased |
] |
New year, new journal look. Angelina Jolie went bye-bye for the time being. Meet Aishwarya Rai, former Miss World and current Indian movie star. Okay, so I've only seen 2 of her movies, but who cares? She's gorgeous.
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| isn't vacation sposda be fun? |
[07 Jan 2004|10:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
As much as I love being home alone, winter vacation has it's drawbacks. I may not act like it, but sometimes I actually want to interact with people. Unfortunately, that's kind of hard when I have no friends to interact with. I try to talk to Tony, but he's always studying or dealing with his nieces and nephews. I have such a pathetic life it's not even funny.
What's left to do, but to go to bed, wake up tomorrow and do everything all over again... The empty cycle never ends. Ricockulous...
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| blah... |
[05 Jan 2004|10:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Achchi Lagti Ho - Kuch Naa Kaho Soundtrack |
] |
I think my body hates me. It refuses to sleep through the night. Last week my lack of sleep had gotten so bad I woke up with horribly red eyes. Luckily that has gone away, but I'm still having trouble sleeping. *sigh* If it's not one thing it's another.
Anyway, not much to say besides I feel like crap. Nothing new there. I guess I'll end this now before I do some depressing rant.
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| whatever... |
[03 Jan 2004|08:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pyar Aaya - Plan Soundtrack |
] |
Argh... Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I wish I could look in the mirror and actually see someone I like. I hate those moments when I feel fine then something happens and I'm reminded of what a horrible person I am. A disappointing daughter, a terrible friend, an even worse girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend now... I wish I could feel like I have something to be proud of. I'm so tired of being known as the one who does well in school. I hate school and to be constantly attached to it makes me sick. For others to compare their children to me doesn't seem like much of a compliment. Oh yeah, quiet, shy, keeps to herself. Fantastic qualities... People don't see how unhappy I am being me. Unfortunately, I can't seem to change. Blah...
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| weee! |
[31 Dec 2003|11:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pleased |
] |
I have returned. I'm leaving soon so I give a fuller update later. I hope everyone is doing well.
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| my head hurts... |
[18 Dec 2003|12:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
Reporting live from the campus library...
Grrr... I'm so mad. I can't go online at home cuz my internet isn't working. I have no idea what the problem is and Verizon is taking forever to do anything about it.
Just my luck, the day after I finish school my internet goes out. Is this some sort of sign? Am I being punished? Oh well, I'm coping. I just wish daytime TV was a bit better to make things easier. I've got nothing to do, no where to go, and no one to talk to. It's a lonely time for me. I also have a headache that won't go away and I'm tired because I haven't been sleeping well.
I hope everyone is doing better than me. I know my life could be a hell of a lot worse, but I'm a whiny baby like that... I guess I'll go home now and hopefully I'll be back soon.
*HUGS* to everyone.
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| 3 down, 1 to go... |
[09 Dec 2003|06:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full... yay for boba & chicken |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kaahe Chhed Mohe - Devdas Soundtrack |
] |
One more final! One more final! ONE more final!!! Come 12:15pm tomorrow (actually probably sooner cuz i can't possibly write for two hours straight) I will be done with this semester. Okay, I better get back to studying. I needed a break or my head might have exploded.
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| what am i doing wrong? |
[04 Dec 2003|11:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
I finally spoke up about my feelings for once, yet I'm the one apologizing in the end. That's just not right. :(
I don't get it. If I hold stuff in it's bad, if I let it out it's bad. I can't win... ever.
All I get is more guilt.
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