Froolie

8:29pm: 17 days!!!!!!!!!!!
So today was a weird, but good day. I was just thinking about a LOT of stuff. Like, this year, it's gonna be the first year without Feffula. That's gonna be SOOO weird. I dont know what im gonna do cause whenever id have a bad day, she'd always be there for me to talk to and to cheer me up. And like, i dont know, its just gonna be really weird. And i dont know, Babbo gave us some stuff last time we were down there, and i just cleaned my room so im going through it now-its just like candles and stuff-and there's this one and the smell reminds me SOO much of Flushing, its' really weird. And so i was thinking about that, and there were Halloween candles, and so i started thinking about-omg-this is gonna be my first year without Feffula for Halloween-and i dont know, it's gonna be weird. Then i started thinking about the winter and how unbelievably excited i am for it!!!! Then there's always fall too..it is SOO beautiful. Its one of those times where i just wanna go for a walk through the park with someone special. And then winter-omg!!! I LOVE it and that means a Venner Christmas which i can NOT wait for!!!! I'm so excited for that. I love it soooooo much-thats one of my favorite things about winter. Its so much fun going to night rehearsals-i love that-granted i get exhausted, but still...and that's the first time i started liking Ricco...and if i hadn't...who knows where id be now. I mean, he's seriously like just wow. He always makes me feel like a whole bunch better about myself. It'll be ok without Feffula though...i mean-ill have Ricco-he's always there for me and he has this way about him that always cheers me up!! And just wow.

Only 17 days until school starts. Where has this summer gone?!?! I haven't accomplished anything that i've wanted to. Cross Country starts tomorrow and ive only ran like....maybe 5 times this summer. I'm really disappointed in myself in that aspect because i really wanna do good this year and make it to Regionals and States again this year-even though States are on my birthday which is gonna SUCK-still...i wanna go. I haven't lost like any weight. But i think that's ok. At the beginning of the summer-i was really down on myself, but now, i find myself having a lot more self-confidence. I feel a lot better about the way i look and just about myself in general. I was talking to Adam last night and he told me that i was a good friend, and that just made me feel really good. I will admit, sometimes i do get annoyed with people-and im really trying to work on that. But just to hear that im a good friend makes me feel great about myself. It makes me feel a lot more like Mom which is good because she was an amazing person, and i wanna be like her, as beautiful as she was, have as AmAzInG of a voice as she did, and i just wanna be like her.

One good thing about school coming though is the fact that im changing who i am-in a way. For the most part, im happy with who i am, but there's a part of me that i hate. It's the part that puts other people down. I dont care who else does it, cause no matter what, whenevre i put someone down, i always feel like crap afterwards looking at them and thinking about how i would feel if i was in their position. Im sick of being that person and doing it for no reason at all. I need to stop judging people too...i know its human nature, but i need to stop. Im sure that i get judged too...but i dont wanna judge others, i dont wanna be the mean, person i was before. I'm gonna befriend people that need it. If someone's sitting alone at lunch or something-im gonna talk to them, i just, i wanna be a good person and befriend people who are in need of it. I wanna be a person that people look up to and respect. I wanna be known as a girl that people could talk to. Ya know? I wanna be nice to everyone. Most of all, i wanna stop getting so angry and upset over the stupidest things. I just wanna be a better person. I really wanna get along with Roxi and Alexis this year. I wanna be closer to Dad too and to be able to talk to him about everything. There's always that weird silence there, but i dont want that to be there anymore. I wanna be happy this year and im gonna try hard to do that. I wanna stop taking things for granted. I really wanna help out at like, soup kitchens and work with developmentally disabled people. I wanna go to a Children's Hospital and visit kids there. I just, i really wanna be a better person and stop worrying so much about myself and focus my life on other people who need help. I'm sick of worrying about what people think about me. That's another thing im gonna work on-just being myself and not caring what others might think about it. Ive got my friends, i know that they love me for me, and if other people dont like that, well then whatever-im who i am. And i definitely need to try and be a better student this year. I really need to not spend so much time on the computer this year and focus on school. I was definitely not happy with my grades last year, and i wanna change that. Im actually gonna study this year and work hard to get good grades. Im gonna pay attention in class and if i dont understand something, then im gonna get help with it instead of just pretending like it doesnt matter. I NEED to stop swearing this year too-that goes along with being so angry all the time. If i get angry, i start to swear, and thats not good. I hate swearing-i hate getting angry, so im really gonna try to not do that anymore. I'm gonna focus on the positive things in my life instead of dwelling on the negative. The more i talk about this, the more excited i get for school to start.

I going with Ashley to get my schedule tomorrow morning!!!!!!! I can't wait...!!! it's gonna be awesome! I'm really excited to just get back to school and to start becoming who i wanna be and to see everyone and to just be doing something. That's what i dont like about summer, i really dont do anything so i sit at home and think about all the negative things in life instead of focusing on the negative things and then i just get angry and all roar. I need to stop that. I dont know, im just feeling really good about...everything now. I'm getting along with everyone in the family right now. But its sad cause Jessie left on Friday morning to go back to Kalamazoo, only this year, she has a house so she probably won't be home that much. I know we weren't that close, but she always seemed so happy. I dont know, i just miss her. But yea...i feel good about myself for once, and i dont think im ugly and hanous looking. I dont think i sing awful-ive been doing a lot of that. Im working kinda, i hoe which is kinda bad, but its good money that i could use. And im just excited about things right now. I'm excited to go back and see everyone!!!! And yea....ive started making my lists...lol...already. I still have 17 days to wait-but yea, i made a list of what im gonna put in my locker, purse, bag, cc bag and things that i need to get. Like...a blowdryer since Feffula is taking hers to college. A new bag for cc since ive had mine since i was like....7. A new cd player since i ah....ran over mine with the lawn mower and its totally ruined. I need to get some more soft lips because i absolutely LOVE that stuff and im almost out of mine...:'( and yea-not like thats important...but i thought id throw that in there too. And ok, someone got some Jr. stuff for Feffula and i saw it on her bed, and she's told me before thta this person doesn't have very much money and is basically on her own, so i saw them, and i started to cry because i havent always been nice to this person, but i saw those, and i called Feffula and i told her, and i started crying because i dont know, i just, i feel so bad for things i may have said about her before..that made me cry. And i told Feffula about how i need to change myself and everything too and she told me that im already a good person, but all i could do was cry more and say no-i put other people down and judge them. And so i know that i need to change that...but yea...i really dont feel like crying anymore tongiht so im gonna go

XoXo-steph


oh...yea..its been one month today...


speaking of being a better person and such-there is a song that i absolutely LOVE-especially right now and its so just like wow-so ill leave you with the lyrics to it

no one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
but we feel like we do when we make fun
'cause you want to belong, do you go along?
'cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
it's not like you hate him or want him to die
but maybe he goes home and thinks sucide
or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
and a kindness from you might have saved his life
heroes are made when you make a choice


[chorus...]
you could be a hero - heroes do what's right
you could be a hero - you might save a life
you could be a hero - you could join the fight
for what's right, for what's right, for what's right


no one talks to her, she feels so alone
she's in too much pain to survive on her own
the hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
she writes on her arm wants to give up her life
each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
fighting the lie that giving up is the way
each moment of courage her own life she saves
when she throws the pills out a hero is made
heroes are made when you make a choice


[chorus]


no one talks to him about how he lives
he thinks that the choices he makes are just his
doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
and others will follow the choices he's made
he lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
his brother who wants to be him is just nine
he can do what he wants because it's his right
the choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life


[chorus]


thats how i wanna be....