Froolie

11:00am: sorry...
So im sorry about last night! I was obviously really upset. I still am...but not THAT upset. So last night, i went up to my room, and cried of course, and i started talking to Mom, only i couldn't cause i was crying too hard. So then...i layed there with my window open, looking up at the stars, and i remembered after visitation one night-Aunt Maria told me that the brightest star i see is my mom, an dto just start talking to it. Then...i swore that i was in Manistee again, it smelled exactly like it. And so then i just started thinking about being in Manistee, and just everything about my life in Flushing. Then this morning, stupid me decides to get out pictures and look through them. So of course, there's all the ones from Flushing and i just started thinking about everything. And omg-i miss mom like crazy! Especially with everything that's going on now and i jsut miss her. And then there's always Dad. I was thinking about that too, and i was looking at pictures of me and him when i was little. Then the ones from now. And i got REALLY sad, cause i never see Dad anymore. If i do it's for like....10 minutes, and we don't even talk. He really doesn't know anything about me anymore. shit-he asked me if he needed to talk to me about getting pregnant...so thanks ya know, don't even try and figure out what's going on in my life or anything like that for...a couple years, then just be sure to ask if you need to talk to me about getting pregnant. Yes bcause you know me-im just like that. I think that when he asked me that-i just wanted to just break down. I mean, what the hell....does he honestly think that im like that?! Then he just went back to the way things were before...i hate it so much. I miss the way things used to be. When Mom and Bonnie and me would go to Dad's work and watch them race their remote-control cars around. And how we'd always go on vacation. And every Saturday night, we'd always have hamburgers and fries and we'd watch Star Trek. And i just want my old life back. I know that'll never happen, but still...i always think about how life would be right now if Mom wouldn't have died. I wonder if i'd actually be happy...cause its not too hard to figure out that im definitely NOT. I just wanna get away from here and go back to Flushing. Sure i got barked at and made fun of all the time. But that didn't even matter, i had Mom, and i had my friends, and my family. And here....nothing. I have my friends and that's about it. And it's not like i even get to see them all that much. School, t hat was about it...and now that school's out...everything sucks. Im SO sick of crying! I hate it....it seems like now, i do it at least once a day! Maybe if i could just let go of things, it wouldn't be so hard. But i cant do that...i have problems letting go of things. I should just forget about my past and the way things were, cause all those are are memories and a life of happy days which i will never have back. But i just cant let go. I should just let go of Dad and know that things with us wont be the same as they were....but i can't. I should let go of Mom and just know she's not ocming back ever....but i can't. I should just forget the way things were when i was happy...but i can't. I just can't let go. I want it to be Saturday cause then i can see the family, and maybe feel better. No, cause things arent' even the same with them anymore. Ever since 1997-they haven't been the same, and they wont be ever again. I just wanna talk to Aunt Emily. I can talk to her and i really want to. And of course, stupid me, had to get out Mom's old yearbooks. And the one from her sophomre year....omg-she was gorgeous. I look at hre picture-i wish i could look like that! She was so beautiful. Always, she didnt need makeup to make her look good. She was just naturally beautiful. And then i look at her senior yearbook and her picture from senior year-i hope i look that good when im a senior...and all the things that people said to her..."You're so pretty and you're voice matches your looks", "For someone with such a beautiful voice, its hard to imagine you not being a great performer", You're a good friend with a super personality", "You're a really sweet girl with a lot of talent", "To a super sweet girl with a great voice!", "To a super nice girl who has an absolutely terrific voice" Just wow...I wish i was like her, i especially wish i sang like her. If you've ever heard that cd of her singing-she is SO good. She had the best voice! I just, i wanna go back to the way things used to be. I miss dad and i just want him, Bonnie, and me to go on vacation sometime. Just us 3, no one else. I mean, even if it was just a weekend. Like, Manistee just for one weekend, and we could go fishing, and walk to DQ like we always used to do. Just to spend some time with him. But he's gotta work all the time, and i doubt that he'd even wanna spend time with us...so...I dont know, im just really blah right now so im gonna go and do something maybe...i dunno...