Froolie

12:26am: numbness
Ok...so yea, i am just so i don't even know right now. There is so much that i feel but that i don't feel at the same time. Like...if i tried to explain it all, then i don't even know what would happen...so i'm not even going to attempt too. But, i will jsut tell you it has something to do with ricco...that's all anyone needs to know. And i just yea...i'm so numb and i just feel like i don't even know, words can't explain. they really can't. i seriously just ugh...maybe i shouldnt' even be trying to explain what i feel right now cause i'm just so see, i don't even know what i am. I was fine earlier...Rachie came down here and we were dancing, and i didn't even think about it and it was fine...i was having fun, it took my mind off of everything, then had to get on...and then yea... and i've gotta get up really early tomorrow to play the flute for church and i really DON'T want too, i SUCK at the song i have to play. and just ROAR, i just wanna sleep tomorrow away and not think about anything... btu no...i have to get up bright and early, joy. i am just so UGH right now and i wanna talk to Mom, that's all i wanna do. She'd know how to help me, she'd know what to say to make things right...but she's not here, and she can't do that. which makes this whole situation all the worse. i will never again have her...never, and i'm sure things will get worse than this...then what am i gonna do? probably let my feelings bottle up inside of me until i go insane. i REALLY wish more than anything that she were here right now to tell me what i should do...cause really, i don't nkow. i really don't. and i shouldnt' even be letting this get to me. i dont know why i am. i just need some good advice...i think that i need some...cause i have NO clue what to do...not one...and of course it's always good that other people know how i feel...especially when i don't even know how i feel, ya gotta just love it when that happens. ugh...i'm just so emotionless...i don't even know...but i do know that i hate being like this. i seriously just wish that i could talk to Mom...i know that she'd be able to give me some advice and to help me out. and it sucks, cause there's no one that's been through this that i can talk to. maybe i should write Aunt Nini...no, she has 6 kids of her own, she doesn't need the hassle of someone else. maybe i could write to one of the aunts...Aunt Emily...i think i might do that, she always says how she's there for me. she's probably the closest person to a mom that i have...so yea...no, i dont know, i'd just feel weird talkign to her about it though, i mean, she doesn't even know about him or anything. So...that leaves me with no one. wonderful...just what i need. so i guess that i'll just i dont even know what i'll do. TRY and figure out my feelings...that might be a good idea. it might help me...that way i actually might know what i feel that way, wouldn't that be great. yea, it really would be. i think that Rachie needs to come back down here so we can dance and then it'll be all better. i'm just glad that she made me feel ebtter earlier...and here's what she said "you're like a flower, soft and sweet, and you have a huge prick" and then we danced, and it was fun...and i wasnt thinking about it or anything. and yea...now it's just numbness...
so yea, i'm just complaining right now, so sorry to all of you who wasted your time reading this
i need to go to bed now and get some sleep
-monster