Froolie's Blurty
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Froolie's Blurty:

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    Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
    5:35 pm
    so...i got a livejournal
    www.livejournal.com/users/tears_fade623

    i dunno why its tears fade..i made it when i was in a good mood

    btu yea-things suck right nwo and i dont like myself...that cant be a suprise

    CONGRATS ASHLEY!!!!!

    ok-im out-
    little debbie
    Thursday, October 28th, 2004
    4:53 pm
    how about a better version of me..
    So....about last night. That entry was bad, i do have friends that care about me and i love them all to death. Ashley, Shannon, Emily S, Christy, Susan, Jade, Carlot, Jordan, even Mune. I love you all sooo much and thank you so much! And then there's always David. And i am seriously SOOO thankful that i have him. I know that i have my friends, and that means so much to me, it really does. But sometimes it helps to have someone else, ya know? And he really makes me so happy. He was seriously sent to me from God. I believe that with all my heart. For him to chose me, and then to be there when im at my absolute worst...thats wow and i still cant believe it. I really am sooo thankful that i have him though. At practice today, i was running, and i wanted to just stop and just give up cause i suck and i shouldnt be doing it anymore. But then i thought about him and how grateful i am that he's in my life right now. I cant even, theres just no words for how amazing that is...how amazing he is. But yea, my friends, i love you all SOOOOOOOO much and thank you for being there for me at my worst moments. Then there's always Feffula and i get to see her tomorrow, i seriously can NOT wait...and then we're going to have dinner with Babbo, and im definitely super excited for that. I wish i could down there during the day though and go to school and help out. But...no...prolly not. I guess ill just take a super long nap then. i dont even have anything else to say...im going


    THERE IS NO REAL REASON TO ACCEPT THE WAY THINGS HAVE CHANGED

    Current Mood: gloomy
    Current Music: Failure-Un Loco
    Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
    8:00 pm
    .........
    STUPID ME-i actually thought that id be happy. And for a while there i was...4 days-wow, that must be a record. But of course....things always go wrong in my world. Im just NOT supposed to be happy i guess. Im not even gonna waste my time explaining everything right now because...id be here for quite a while.
    I can go over the basics though...im a disappointment. that's always a good thing, even though i really dont know why i am..i am.
    Then ya know, ive come to accept the fact that victor and me just aren't friends. and that really s ucks cause he was always the person i could go to when things sucked. no, i shouldn't lie like that, i thought he was but no.
    Now...there are TWO people, and two people only that i feel like i can trust. Feffula and Babbo. No offense to any of my other friends, but...i dunno. I'm so pessimistic right now. I dont feel like anyone really cares except for those two people. I'm not tyring to offend anyone else and im sorry if i have, but thats just the way it is. I dont like to be like that...but now...im cynical.
    In the past day, ive become quite cynical and ive come to hate myself more than anyone should hate themselves. I dont even know what i did wrong to be such a disappointment and such a failure. i wish that i did though. I wonder if they know how much they make me hate myself. Not like it really matters anyways.
    I need to get away from here so badly. And Friday, FEFFULA'S COMING HOME!!!! OMg...that seems WAY to far away. And i dunno if i can deal with that. But that's what's gonna keep me going is knowing that ill be able to see her. And then we're going to have dinner with Babbo. Omg..i need that SOO bad. Me getting to see the two most important people in my life and spend time with them. Nothing can replace that.
    Ok...well back up to my room....sorry for this pointlessness...
    -disappointment, failure...whatever...

    Maybe this'll help explain things a little better....

    Hey dad look at me
    Think back and talk to me
    Did I grow up according to plan?
    And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
    But it hurts when you disapprove all along

    And now I try hard to make it
    I just want to make you proud
    I'm never gonna be good enough for you
    I can't pretend that
    I'm alright
    And you can't change me

    'Cuz we lost it all
    Nothing lasts forever
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect
    Now it's just too late and
    We can't go back
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect

    I try not to think
    About the pain I feel inside
    Did you know you used to be my hero?
    All the days you spent with me
    Now seem so far away
    And it feels like you don't care anymore

    And now I try hard to make it
    I just want to make you proud
    I'm never gonna be good enough for you
    I can't stand another fight
    And nothing's alright

    'Cuz we lost it all
    Nothing lasts forever
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect
    Now it's just too late and
    We can't go back
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect

    Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
    Nothing's gonna make this right again
    Please don't turn your back
    I can't believe it's hard
    Just to talk to you
    But you don't understand

    'Cuz we lost it all
    Nothing lasts forever
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect
    Now it's just too late and
    We can't go back
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect

    'Cuz we lost it all
    Nothing lasts forever
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect
    Now it's just too late and
    We can't go back
    I'm sorry
    I can't be perfect

    Current Mood: cynical
    Current Music: PERFECT-SIMPLE PLAN
    Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
    1:18 pm
    OMG!!!!!! YaYNeSS!!!!!!!
    So...OMG pretty much covers it!!! Everything has gotten SoOoOoO much better!!!
    Thursday started off ReAlLy bad...and i was so upset and i was crying in the morning at school..it was not a cool thing at all. But then things started to get better. And then oh my goodness....by Thursday night, things were omg! It was good. And im sure you all know why. but whatever. Then Rachie came over and we talked about stuff and it was good to talk to her again cause i haven't in like...forever.

    Then on Friday....i was glowing....of course. And yea....it was good. And then in Venner, Jade told me some stuff and i was like..omg no and i was really upset and sad. So after that, i went and talked to Victor and i was like omg...so then David came up and then....he whispered in my ear, you want to be my girlfriend? so yea!!!! OmG is all i have to say about that. Cause it's me we're talking about and yea...its me and that just doesnt make any sense to me. But.....WoW!!! I'm definitely a happy person right now. So that was good. And to make the day even better, i talked to Victor last night for a while, and i haven't done that in like...forever, so that was good too. Yesterday was just a good day.

    Then today, cross country meet and ASHLEY CAME!!! And that makes me happy cause i love her to death! I'm so glad that we're close again cause that makes me super happy. And after i ran, me and her were talking and that was good. Then Mune came over, so we were talking to him too..it was funny. And yea, it was good. And so then we took Mune home, and Ashley and me went to Subway and ate. And now im here.

    And i dunno, things are really good right now, and i shouldn't talk cause they might stop being good soon. But...yea, i love all my friends SoOoO much!!!! And im so lucky to have them, like, i realaly dont know what id do without them. And they're always there for me, and that makes me feel so much better to know that i have them. So im just really lucky!!! Liek...ExTrEmElY lucky. And things are good with the parents now too. I've talked to them the past two nights, which is good. So yea..im just in a good mood now. The only bad thing is tha ti haven't talked to Feffula since Wednesday an that's not cool. She's so uninformed. But i talked to Andrew...and he knew!!! So..i have no idea how he found out, but ok, thats cool. Like he said, im his little sis and he's gotta keep tabs on me. But yea..im gonna go cause yea..i want to.

    XoXo-steph

    Current Mood: happy
    Current Music: Stuck On You-Lionel Richie
    Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
    7:02 pm
    -i cant go on living this way....-
    So its been a while again..sorry. I just have no desire to write about my bad days...they've all been pretty bad this week. This weekend wasn't all that great either. I just..im really sick of myself...basically that sums it up. I hate the way that i feel all the time and just....i really dont like myself right now. I wanna get away from here for a whle and just....i dunno. I always feel like crap all the time-especially at home. Like..i come home and i just wanna get away from here. I hate it. Everything is just really bad right now i guess. I dunno...i really dont wanna think about it anymore cause its not cool and it makes me really sad and upset so im done.

    And basically thats all i have to say...so bye....:-/...


    steph

    Current Mood: crappy
    Current Music: Last Resort-Papa Roach
    Friday, October 15th, 2004
    9:13 pm
    Mmmk...
    So i guess that things are better now. And that's good cause i dont deal with sadness very well...or anything like that. I dunno...things just still dont feel right though. But i love Jade and Brandy!!! They're awesome, and so that's cool. But..i dunno about anything else....im just...confused maybe. Yea, i guess that oculd be a word for it. I just feel SoOoOoO lost and lonely. Dont get me wrong, i love all my friends to death cause they're the best, just, yea...i dunno. I just feel really lonely and like i dont have anyone to talk to that would understand things...and im just so lost. Its not cool and i dont like this feeling, but i suppose i should get used to it cause that's the way its been and that's the way it'll probably be for a while. I dont like feeling this way, i really dont. But i dunno what i can do about it...so i try and keep myself busy with other things...but those other things dont seem to exist. Then i try and think about other things...but somehow, my thoughts AlWaYs come back to the same thing...and i dont like thinking about it. but its like its inevitable...and so tomorrow should be fun-a whole 3 miles of me thinking about it and not concentrating on my race like i should be...but that wont happen. And just yea....i dont like this. --and id give up forever to touch you, or to know that you feel the same way, you're the closest to heaven that ive ever been and i dont wanna go home right now-and all i can taste is this moment and all i can breathe is your life, and sooner or later its over, i just dont wanna miss you right now...--i really like that song. But its sad and it makes me think, and that i dont like. I just..i dont even feel like myself anymore and thats something i really dont like.

    Enough of the sad stuff though because i really dont even wanna think about any of that anymore. So...last night, Feffula, Gina and me went to see Ron White-hilarious. And it was really good to see them. And so then Aunt Emily called me after school today and i was getting off the phone with her and Feffula and Mal walked in and they're staying here this weekend. So thats exciting, but i probably wont get to see her all that much or talk to her...so that sucks too and thats another sadness....so im done with that

    Other than that..theres nothing else really to say thats not a sadness...so i guess thats it..

    -steph

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: Over and Over-Nelly and Tim McGraw
    Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
    5:00 pm
    im a loser, and sooner or later you know ill be dead...
    So...once again, things suck-that really shouldn't be a suprise though. It seems like im only in a good mood for two, three days at the very most. And..im getting sick of it. I am so upset right now about everything. And i just...feel like shit-i guess that pretty much sums it up cause there's nothing else really to say other than that. I wanna get outta here-how about that? That sounds good to me. Oh...wait-i found out some stuff about myself today..i found out that im a fucking bitch, that i like every guy AND that im using Victor. Isn't that interesting, especially considering the fact that i was unaware of all of this. So thats cool i guess. Its good to knwo all of this stuff...Hopefully next time, ill actually know these things ahead of time...before everything gets fucked up...once again.


    And it may take some time to patch my up inside But i cant take it so i run away and hide

    How do i say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad
    I dont know where this road is going to lead All i know is where we've been and what we've been through
    And I'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

    Downward spiral, where do i begin? It all started when i lost my mother, no love for myself...
    ...I cant go on living this way, cant go on living this way, living this way nothings alright


    I wanna runaway never say goodbye, i want the truth instead of wondering why
    I wanna know the answers no more lies, i wanna shut the door and open my mind


    Ok...so i wanted to leave you with all those lyrics and now that i have...im gonna go run now cause i frikkin want to and maybe it'll calm me...


    -monster

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: Loser<--all about me...
    5:00 pm
    im a loser, and sooner or later you know ill be dead...
    So...once again, things suck-that really shouldn't be a suprise though. It seems like im only in a good mood for two, three days at the very most. And..im getting sick of it. I am so upset right now about everything. And i just...feel like shit-i guess that pretty much sums it up cause there's nothing else really to say other than that. I wanna get outta here-how about that? That sounds good to me. Oh...wait-i found out some stuff about myself today..i found out that im a fucking bitch, that i like every guy AND that im using Victor. Isn't that interesting, especially considering the fact that i was unaware of all of this. So thats cool i guess. Its good to knwo all of this stuff...Hopefully next time, ill actually know these things ahead of time...before everything gets fucked up...once again.


    And it may take some time to patch my up inside But i cant take it so i run away and hide

    How do i say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad
    I dont know where this road is going to lead All i know is where we've been and what we've been through
    And I'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

    Downward spiral, where do i begin? It all started when i lost my mother, no love for myself...
    ...I cant go on living this way, cant go on living this way, living this way nothings alright


    I wanna runaway never say goodbye, i want the truth instead of wondering why
    I wanna know the answers no more lies, i wanna shut the door and open my mind


    Ok...so i wanted to leave you with all those lyrics and now that i have...im gonna go run now cause i frikkin want to and maybe it'll calm me...


    -monster

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: Loser<--all about me...
    Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
    7:40 pm
    Yay!!!
    So..im in a much better mood than i was before. And yea, im really not gonna go over everything, cause taht would take me just a little bit too long.

    So...the basics....im in a good mood right now...i wouldnt go as far as saying im happy. but im definitely in a good mood...so thats good. And..ive been smiling quite a bit too....and so thats good...cause yea!!! :-D Then again....im just being stupid and that pretty much sums it up cause yea. I dont know..i need to stop being stupid like that.

    And lets see...im super happy for Ashley cause her and Josh and thats just so sweet and happy and yay! I'm jsut really happy for her and that she's found happiness cause she deserves it.

    And...school is good now. I like all my classes and i think im doing well in them which is exciting. And i actually get it..but i shouldnt talk, cause in a week or two ill be totally lost and thats gonna suck. And im taking the PSAT tomorrow and thats not cool cause i really dont want to. Id rather go to my classes and that would be cool....but no....i cant....im taking this test and its not gonna be cool cause its just not.

    So today..i was singing if i aint got you ALL day...it wouldnt get outta my head. and yea..but i like that song, so i guess its ok. but yea..anyways...thats my lovely life right now. but now ive gotta go and shower and do my homework and fun stuff like that. so buhbye...

    XoXo-steph

    Current Mood: cheerful
    Current Music: If I Ain't Got You-Alicia Keys and Usher
    Thursday, October 7th, 2004
    5:33 pm
    im half alive, but i feel mostly dead
    Sooo...to go along with what i said before about cross country...i really do suck..like beyond belief. Why the hell do i do it and torture myself when all i do is disappoint myself, let my team down, and when i SUCK!!!! Cause yea, i defintiely do. I wish that for just ONE race, i could stay up with Ashley...but no, i just suck that bad that i can't. Yesterday i ran 25.02 and that just sucks! I'm so disappointed in myself. I thought this was gonna be a good season, and that i was gonna do well and be able to help the team...but no-i suck, so im only hurting the team. So really...theres no point in me even doing it anymore-so i should just quit and then everyone could be happy. We had to do a scavenger hunt today and tha twas definitely not fun..i was with Stacie and Mike...and i was sooo far behind them. I just suck. But i really dont wanna think about that anymore....

    So yesterday was Feffula's 18th birthday!!!!! And so yay for her. But i didnt get to see her and that makes me really sad cause i miss her tons and tons and i wish i woulda got to see her...but no. I did talk to her though...and im not going up there this weekend which really sucks a whole lot. And yea...yesterday also woulda been 20 years for mom and dad....so thats really sad cause 20 years is a long time! And...just...yea. Yesterday just pretty much sucked a whole bunch. I didnt' like it very much. And on the back home..Christy and me were talking about there's just certain people that you just CANT seem to get over-no matter what you do...cause there is ALWAYS something there to remind you of them. Whether it's just going somewhere where you two were together, hearing their name, hearing a song that keeps repeating over and over in your head because that song is THE song that describes everything. And then of course, sometimes you can smell them even though they're no where around....i hate that. That's like the worst thing. Or when memories just come back to you...out of no where. And you just think about everything-that really sucks too. And even talking about it is making me not like it too much...so moving on....

    We have colorguard tomorrow. We're doing Hey Good Lookin at halftime and im excited. But not really. Like, i am....but no, i guess not. I guess it's maybe cause im starting to get a low self-esteem again. I just UGH! I'm so just blah. I was in a pretty good mood today too....until practice. Thats when i started thinking baout how much i suck. Just yea...i dont know. i suppose that im maybe gonna go do some homework and listen to some music and light my candles....they will make me feel better....knowing my luck-probably not though.

    -steph

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: Foolish Games-Jewel
    Monday, October 4th, 2004
    7:18 pm
    Wow..i really suck!!!
    Ok, so lets see..its been a while, but i dont really feel like going over everything that's happened.
    First of all-SUSAN-i love you so much and im so sorry that your grandpa died. Im always here for you!!! Dont ever forget that.
    Ashley-!!!!! YaY!!!! You've got yourself a boyfriend now and that is so exciting and happy and YaY!!!! Congratulations! I really hope that things go awesome cause you deserve to be happy!!!!!
    Carlot-thank you for your comment...i hope you feel better!!!!!

    So ok...Friday, Carlot and me went to Flushing, it was fun!! And we went to school to have lunch with Babbo, but ended up staying and stapling papers for her, so we got some volunteer hours in. And then we decorated her room for HaLLowEEN!!!! And so that was tons of fun. Then we went to Sorrentos for dinner....MmMmMmM!!! It was so good. But then i came home...and i was sad cause i love Babbo and i wish taht i could spend more time with her. But yea, Carlot and me had a good talk on the way down there about lots of stuff!! It was good. And yea...things are good with Victor now..of course. That's just how things always go...lol.

    Then...on Saturday-i cleaned my room and decorated my room for HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!! YaY!!!! It was so exciting. So then i ddint really do anything on Saturday night. And then on Sunday, i woke up and my throat hurt and that wasnt cool...but i guess thats what i get for being cool and sleeping with my window open when its like....30 degrees out...but you know im cool like that. Or...not...but yea. So then i attempted to finish decorating my room, but im still not done. Hopefully ill finish it tonight, but probably not. I need to go to bed early cause i dont feel good. School was pretty good-i decorated my locker!!!! fun fun fun!! I get so excited everytime i open it...wow, im a loser. Oh well... And Mr. Cowhy had to have quadruple bypass surgery today and so that's scary and he's my favorite teacher and i always look forward to going to History...but he's not thre and he wont be for a while, so thats really scary and not cool. And practice sucked today, we had to chase people on the course again...and i SUCK!!!!! I seriously ddont know why i do it. Its stupid and piontless for me to do it cause i let the team down and im disappointing. And i dont like that....so i dunno, i might not do it next year cause i suck! I cant keep up with Ashley anymore and we used to run together all the time last year, but now..im with her for the 1st mile, then after that...she's gone. I dont know...:-/...but then we did strides and i actually felt good about those, then again that's like...20 meters...so...yea.

    Ok...so anyways, i miss Feffula SOO much!!! And her birthday is on Wednesday-two days away!! And i wont get to see her and that sucks like really a whole lot cause it does!!! But im maybe, hoepfully going up there this weekend. I dont know yet, cause we have a game Friday night so i have to do Colorguard. And we're doing Hey Good Lookin, so that'll be fun. I'm excited for that...especially the wink...lol-im a dork. But yea...so i dunno. But i miss her tons and tons and Halloween is her favorite holiday and mine too and this is the first Halloween that we wont be together....thats really sad. And all the decorating and stuff makes me think of Mom cause she used to decorate all the time and it was always so happy. And then she made all our costumes, and now...i dont wear costumes, but still...thats not the piont. Its just really sad and i dont like it. I miss her a whole bunch!!!!! But i'm gonna not think about it. So...instead, im gonna go do my homework like i should be doing, and yea....

    XoXo-steph

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Current Music: Hero-Enrique Iglesias.....sadness.....:-(
    Thursday, September 30th, 2004
    10:39 pm
    well....once again-everything SUCKS! Isn't that wonderful?! no...not really. As crazy as this is, the best thing in my life right now is family. OMG! What's wrong with that picture?!?! Yea...didnt think that one would happen, but guess what?!?! It did.
    So lets go to my lovely day at shcool this morning...so i get there, yadada. Then Victor gets there, and doesn't really talk to me, then Jade gets there, and im invisible. So...tahts cool cause that's how its been the past couple days. But there's more to taht story. Anyways...so then i went to algebra, i think that i hopefully did well on my test-probably not though. Then in the hall, i saw Victor, but really didnt talk to him. Then i went to history-same situation...i probably failed. Then i went to venner and i really didnt wanna sing, cause i suck, but i did. Then band-i HATE colorguard, i dont wanna do it anymore-it sucks. And today we added either 3 or 4 freshman which is really just cool cause now everything's screwed up and we have to relearn it all. I dont like it anymore and i seriously wanna bail cause i hate it, everytime i go thre, im miserable, so i dont understand the point of it-but wahtever. And then...lunch, pretty much sucked, i was pissed the whole time, nothing new there cause according to alex its "inevitable that you're pissed every minute of every day" so thats cool...that helped a whole lot. Then i went to chemistry-probably failed that class too. Then normally i talk to Victor before that hour, but not today. Np suprise though really. And normally after that hour i talk to him too...but of course, i didnt. And so then i went to practice which seriously SUCKED! I SUCK AT CROSS COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!!! we ran 2 mile repeats, did 6 hills and then we did finishes. And like i said, i suck. And the whole time i was thinking about it and of course that didnt help. So then i came home, and talked to Victor....and here's the rest of the story. Of course everyone that knows me, knows that i screw up every good thing in my life, so what did i do? Screw up...yet again, and because of that, Victor and me are no longer friends anymore, so thats fucking wonderful. I lost my best friend-but thats cool-whatever. I dont need one, especially not now. IM SUCH A FUCK UP!! Someone please, just shoot me and put me out of misery..i would really love that.
    Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
    4:44 pm
    ...i hear what you're saying, but i swear, its not making sense....
    So again..its been a while. Sorry. FEFFULA CAME HOME FRIDAY!!!!!!!! And Ashley came back with her, and so then we took her to Clio to meet her grandma and then Feffula and me went to Mcdonalds and then we went and saw Lanelle! And then i went to the parade, that was fun...lol...or mayeb not. But then the game, i screwed up, so that kinda sucked, but whatever. So then we were up in the stands, but i had to go pee, so i went down there and i saw Victor, Knop, Diane, Ricco, David, and Mune-so i talked to them for a little bit and then yea, halftime there were fireworks and it was sad cause i was thinking about how i wanted someone there...but i have no one so that didnt happen. And it was kinda sad, but then the rest of the game, i just walked around and i talked to Victor some of the time, and then yea....it was justkinda like yea. Ok, so the dance...whooooo....just wow. It was pretty fun. I danced with David,that was fun...-he's a good dancer. But....then they decided they needed to play BURN that was so bad and i really didnt like that, and then Knop came up and started dancing with me to it, and i just wanted to cry and it just yea. So yea, i dunno, it was lots of fun though-i love dancing!!!! But the dj handed me the mic so i got to sing!!!! It was awesome!!! It made me smile! Then yea, the rest of the dance....yea...And so yea....then i came home, and then next morning, i got up and went to the retreat. That was lots of fun-all cause of Carlot and Jill-i love them!!! They're awesome! And we jsut had some fun times. and...i saw Tyler-a guy i know from cc and i talked to him for a while and he was really nice. And ive been talking to him online, so thats cool. And let's see...so then i came home, and school Monday was pretty good, school yesterday was pretty good. And the meet yesterday-OMG!!! I LOVED it, it smelled like fall and it was cold and it was just th ebest!!! And i ran 23.54 which is a good time for me this year and so i was excited. Then we stopped at Taco Bell o the way home, mmmm....and then i came home, and talked to Tyler, and did some homework and went to bed. And then today, ig ot up, went to school-i was super dizzy and lightheaded and it wasnt cool. And then i went to practice...and that was fun! And so just yea...o0o0o-for colorguard-we're back to original 5!!! I am SO excited. That makes me so happy cause we did so much complicated stuff today and it's just yay! That makes me really happy. But..ive got lots of tests tomorrow that i need to study for, so im gonna go do that-


    XoXo-steph

    Current Mood: chipper
    Current Music: When can i see you again-Babyface
    Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
    6:53 pm
    ....wash away my memories....please...
    OMG!!! i am SOOO sad right now. There was a MICHAEL BOLTON concert tonight, i got handed 4 FREE tickets at lunch today, but NoOoOoO i just HAD to have a cross country meet. That makes me really sad. But i did get meet Jorg-he's from Germany and he's staying with Dave. He is seriously gorgeous. He has blue eyes to die for seriously. Wow!!! That was nice, but its MICHAEL BOLTON!!!! OMG thats SO not cool. But the race was pretty good i guess. I was mentally prepping myself for it all day. And it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be. I ran 24.50 and thats not too bad. My 2 mile was 15 flat which's pretty good. But...I GOT A MEDAL!!! So that was exciting. I could've done better though. BUt still, im happy with what i got considering how hot it was and how awful ive ran in the heat before. Anyways....

    This week has been kinda....i dunno-messed up?!?! Yea, that sounds good. So...Sunday night....just yea. STUPID ME!!! Just goes to show that i am completely and totally stupid. So...basically, to sum it up, i told Alex that i liked him again. And of course, that was incredibly stupid of me because now he knows that he has the power to play with my head, which im sure he'll do. He's so good at it and all. And so that kinda sucks like a whole lot. And so basically, im just incredibly stupid and i dont wanna like him, i really dont. Ive tried really super hard to just FORGET it, but i can't. I have no idea what it is about him, but it drives me crazy and at the same time, i wanna cry. I just really dont like it at all and i wish that i could just erase all memories away. Ive been sitting in my room every night with my yummy apple candle lit and ive been thinking and listening to music-again-STUPID me. And it doest really help. But i do it anyways cause im taht kinda cool i guess.

    So...moving on to a happier, yet not subject. Tomorrow's Homecoming. I GET TO SEE FEFFULA!!!! SHe's coming home which makes me really super excited cause i miss her tons and tons and i get to see her, so that makes me happy. But...the fact that its Homecoming also means-Colorguard. Something i used to really enjoy, but theres so much damn drama now that i hate it. I dont want any part of it, it pisses me off like no other. I look like hell when i do it, it just pisses me off so basically it SUCKS. And we're doing it for the parade...blaaah. Thats jsut great...how exciting. Id much rather go with cc cause i love the team and there's no drama, and it'd just be a lot more fun. But no. And that also means sitting in the stands and not even playing-dont like that too much. I'm really not looking forward to it. Then it means i have to wait the rest of the game to wait for the damn dance that i raelly DONT even wanna go to anymore. I wish taht i could do something between now and then taht's really bad that'll get my grounded so that i can't go. I seriously DONT want to. I love dancing and normallly, id be looking forward to it, but considering the conditions-i really dont want to. So, everyone that knows me, knows that i let the stupidest things get to me and ruin the dances. So...im sure that'll happen consider that Alex is most likely going and i WONT dance with him, so i get to see him dancing with other people, and know that....nothing will ever change and im just gonna always be hopeless and pathetic. And of course-Knop just HAS to frikkin go. Of course why wouldn't he?! I'm doing good with that whole thing, im forgetting. And its gonna stay that way. Yes...it will. But still i just really wish he wouldn't go. Must he torture me like that? I guess so...im just in a really bad mood now. Just had to sit here and think about how bad the dance is gonna SUCK!!!! I dont wanna go, its gonna suck. So...Alex is right, i do whine a lot. No wonder no one likes me. I'm annoying, and i do whine a lot, and just UGH! I HATE MYSELF!!!! What a great way to end the night....:-/

    but there's this song called Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough-and there's this part that TOTALLY describes how it is with me:
    LIKE A FOOL WHO WILL NEVER SEE THE TRUTH, I KEEP THINKING SOMETHING'S GONNA CHANGE
    And well yes, i AM a fool because i do think that something will change, but it wont. I need to stop kidding myself. Too bad, i just....i cant do that.

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: sometimes love just aint enough-patty smith and don henley
    Saturday, September 18th, 2004
    10:20 pm
    soo tired....
    so its been kinda a little while. Sorry! I just.....i dunno, im lazy i guess.I could go over the past week, but id rather not. So ill just go over some of the main things.
    The meet last Saturday at Bath was pretty good. I dedicated my race to all those that died 3 years ago and i got 24.20, i wanted to do better, but obviously i didn't. But it was a fun day. I talked to Mrs. Deschaine cause she came for Zak, so i talked to her for a little bit. Then the other two meets this week sucked. I'm not even gonna put my times cause they were extremely bad and im really disappointed in myself. On Thursday, we had like 20 minutes to get ready, and i didn't get to stretch, so i seriously sucked it up, and the whole race i was like, why am i diong this? i suck, im only disappointing myself...i shouldnt be doing this. im letting myself and everyone else on the team down, i suck. So it wasn't cool cause i started crying during hte race, and then i couldnt breathe cause of that, and it was just really bad. But Aunt Jamie was there cause they asked her to work at it, so i talked to her for a while. It was good to talk to her. We talked about lots of stuff like the olympics and Michael Phelps, and she told me that she told Uncle Eric that she thinks Bonnie and me could've made it to the Olympics if we would've kept swimming, but obviosuly that iddnt happen cause we got ripped away from that. So im not even thinking about that anymore.
    So anyways, i had a really weird dream on Thursday night, it was really strange, and it was just yea..it made me think and that wasn't good. Especially not about him. And just yea...it was weird. Anyways...
    So last night, i was home alone and it really wasn't cool cause i was talking to Victor on the phone, and he was freaking me out like really a whole lto, then Knop got on the phone..and that was just...whatever. Yea, so then i came down here and started talking to him, and i got sad cause i was thinking about some stuff like...boys. Thats all that needs to be said cause im sure you all know which two i was talking about. And just yea, things that were said on the phone last night though, that was just....a little strange, it reminded me of old times-NOT cool. So just yea..it was kinda just yea. Anywawys, so then i started talking about mom and everything so that was sad too. But then i went to bed and i felt better this morning. And i went out to dinner with the parents and Jessie and Alexis tongiht so that was pretty cool i suppose.
    And o0o0o0o0o-Homecoming is this Friday, very exciting. I'm just excited for the dance-its not like illhave anyone to dance with, but according to Feffula-im not allowed to dance with boys because they're going to take me into the back parking lot and rape me. Yea...she's a little weird. Lol, but i still love her and miss her tons!!! And shes been seeing a guy that she likes and he likes her back and that's really exciting. But yea, im just exciting and im in a good mood right now so yay! But now im gonna go and maybe watch movies or soemthing like that...
    -steph

    Current Mood: sleepy
    Current Music: Too Close-Next
    Friday, September 10th, 2004
    5:42 pm
    screw it all...
    So...today basically SUCKED!!! I was actually happy the past couple days....that ended last night. SO i went to the park with Rachel and we talked and it was a really good talk, and im super glad that i got to talk to her. But nothing can be good in my life anymore, so of course, something had to go wrong. Charlotte got me at me for it...so that's just bull...but whatever-theres nothing i can do about it. And so i was in a really bad mood today, partly cause im a slut and all. I seriously dont understand why the hell she thinks so lowly of me. Am i really THAT bad of a person!?! I mean-seriously. If i am, then please, inform me of this, cause last time i checked i wasnt. But i have guy friends, so i guess that must make me a slut right? Of course because im not allowed to be friends with guys, im either dating them, or just am not friends with them. Ican't be just FRIENDS. And so that's a bunch of bull shit and that really pisses me off. But then Victor decides to not talk to me anymore, and just what the fuck ever. I give up on trying to be happy. Every time i finally think things are looking up-i get screwed. So whatever...im done. I'll just be upset all the time and it'll just be fuckin lovely. fan-fuckin-tastic. Well now i get to go look like a fat ass in front of everyone and screw up everything for colorguard cause i SUCK and thats why im giving up my spot to Ali since she was so pissed about not being able to do it-so...she can do it for the next game-i hope shes happy. but im gonna go so buhbye
    -fat annoying slut bitch---->my new name

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: Vindicated-Dashboard
    Thursday, September 9th, 2004
    6:27 pm
    funness!!!
    So...yesterday was a pretty good day. I dont really remember it, all i know was that i was in a good mood, so that was good and i ws really excited for...just about everything. And yea...so we had a cc meet. It was so much fun. The ride there was great. I think i scared Mr. Conger a little bit...eeehhh oh well. And haha...Evan-wow-he's great. I love that kid. But yea-it was fun there too, i walked around with Adam, Mune. And then yea...ok...so alex was being a complete PEENER but i was sitting down and he turned around when i went to smack him, and i hit his but!!!!! EEEWWWWW!!!! IT WAS SO NASTY!!!! So i went to get hand sanitizer, then Mike put adhesive on my hand, then he put tape on it. It was hilarious. But yea, so then i walked around with Adam and Mune some more, then Jordan came with us. ANd yea...lol...then i had to run. It actually wasn't that bad. I got 24.40 which is even better than last time. But i NEED to be in the 23's...no the 22's. So, yea ive gotta just run really fast. lol...so then i had to leave cause i had to come back here for band-well Colorguard. And i got there and they were practicing already. But then the band came out, and they were playing My Sharona and My Girl and stuff like that, so all of us were dancing around and throwin our flags. And i made up that dance thing...lol-its awesome. Then i busted out the unnamed. It was just great!!!! Lots and lots of fun. Im so excited!!!!! And then when i got home...o0o0-that royally pissed me off!!!! ROAR!!!! And i found out that dad's going to Connecticut today-so thats cool. And...lets see what else. school today was pretty good. It was good during band of course, im so excited for that!!!!!! And omg-practice!!!! I seriously love cross country! We were stretching today and omg-it was frikkin HILARIOUS!!!! We all started laughing, and it was GREAT!!! OMG!!! lmao. So then we ran hills and it was GREAT! first of all-i LOVE running hills. And it was just lots of fun, cause Ashley and me ran together and we were cheering for everyone and Mune's like-you high. It was hilarious. But yea, that was fun. Then we did a cool down, and Birch Run came to our course today and they were running and stuff. So Ashley, Hilary, Christy, Erin, and me all ran past them, and we were like-THIS IS OUR HOUSE and my new word-DOMINATING! And we were doing it in our manly voices. IT was great. But yea-now im gonna go with MY SEXY RACHIE!!!! so ill be back later
    -steph

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: Freek-a-Leek-Petey Pablo
    Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
    8:34 pm
    yay!!!
    ok...so its been a while since ive updated-Sorry!!! I just...haven't felt like it. But yea-the past couple days-ok, the past week, i was really in a bad mood and i just felt really negative and blah about like.....everything and it really sucked. But i talked to Ricco....Sunday? I think so...anyways-he made me feel a whole lot better and it made me think about some stuff. And so today..i decided that im forgetting about -him- once and for all and thats just gonna be the end of it...cause its stupid for it not to be. And just yea...i know what im trying to say. So, i was doing that this morning, and i didnt really think about him all day and it was really good-and i was in a really good mood. And it was just good. i liked it. Then practice-that was fun...i was dancing and Jordan-"PUSH IT HARDER" lmao...wow-we have fun. As much as i may complain about it-i really do love it and yea!!! o0o0o0o0o-i really do have friends. Today was just a good day!! I like being happy and being in this mood. And just yay!!!! And i am SOO excited for dances this year!!! oh my goodness...im just so excited. "im gonna be all over him" hahaha.....i mean what?! NO-anyways. yea-i went to the soccer game with Sandy tonight-i haven't hung out with her in a loooong time, but it was good to hang out with her. And i just am really excited about this year now, and especially the dances. And im not gonna let any peeners ruin it for me...im gonna be happy and have fun and shake my hector...cause thats what i do. Im just in a really good mood, and im really excited and just yay!!!!! But yea...im gonna go and do the homework that i didnt do yet.

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Current Music: Milkshake-Kelis
    Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
    7:46 pm
    yea....
    So Monday wasn't really a good day. But my favoritest Feffula commented on my journal!!! that made me feel really yay!!! Anyways-yestreday was a little better i guess, and today was even better. Yesterday, school was ok i supposed....cc was....good i guess. yea i ran by myself and it was good. Then Rachie came over and she brought me dinner and we watched Romeo and Juliet. I love that movie. Then after she left, Gina called me and told me that her and Trina wanted to take me out to lunch today so i was like omg wow!!!! And i was really suprised and i felt really special cause they wanted to take me out to lunch!! So yea...then today-lets see. I got up and got ready to go to school, and we dressed up for cross country and i felt good about myself and i thought i looked pretty good..i wore the same thing i wore today to green room last year...oh my sadness. Anyways...moving on...um...this morning Victor actualy talked to me. But im convinced that he's like sick of me or something. i just dont think that he likes me at all anymore. and that's like super sad. i dont like that at all. but then all my morning classes were ok i suppose-band was awesome!!! Ok-so Jade's mom came in today to help us since she did colorguard in high school and we worked on it and we've got most of our routine which is like, really exciting so that makes me happy. And then i went out to lunch with Gina and Trina!!!!!! :-D and we saw Rachie there. and i was really happy to go out to lunch with them-it made me feel super special. So then i came back to school...blah blah blah...went to Chem, boiled some water...fun fun...then went to English-didnt finish my test cause i really didn't want to, then left for cross country. and it was a fun ride there i guess. We were talking about nasty peeners again. then we got there and the girls ran and we got 2nd!!! YaY!!!! And yea, i ran 25.04 which is actually pretty good considering the times at my last two meets. And i got a medal!!!!! That was super happy. I was suprised, but i was really happy about it cause yea...i was. And yea...lets see...um...yea-the ride back was fun, i couldn't stop laughing and i dont really remember why..but owell. good that i got it out today! Tomorrow's gonna be a not good day! At all...i dont like it at all and im really not looking forward to it. It'll be 7 years!!! It seems way too long, yet not long enough. That means that i still have a LONG time to go without her, and i dont like that at all. it just...its really not a cool thing. and its just gonna suck. and i dont really feel like i have any friends to talk to about it..which sucks even more. im very lonely...and alone...and by myself. i dont like it...but theres nothing i can do about it so whatever. im just gonna go.

    steph















    ...she was in a coma 7 years ago today....and i had no idea that would be the end....













    ....or that my whole life would be changed forever....












    ...omg i miss her....:-/

    Current Mood: blank
    Current Music: So Far Away-Staind
    Monday, August 30th, 2004
    9:16 pm
    so i should be doing my homework right now...but i really dont feel like it and yea...i haven't updated in a while so i thought i would. im pretty upset right now about......pretty much everything. i really wanted to start this year off good and be a happy, positive person. it seems like i started my year the exact opposite and that really sucks. i am not a happy person....and im very negative. im just soo upset about like....everything. i have nothing to look forward to anymore. i used to look forward to cross country-but now....no. its so ugh. ok-yea...lets do 5 mile repeats today-that sounds like fun...no...or not. yea-we did 3 on the course (including all the hills which was insane) and then we did 2 on the track. its not even fun anymore. ugh....then of course, there's colorguard which i actually was looking forward to.......until today. everyone has decided that they dont wanna agree on anything-which isnt cool. so im kinda in the middle cause i dont really care what we do, as long as we get it done. we have...7 days i think. so i dunno about that. and let's see...thats pretty much all i was looking forward to. i was looking forward to venner until i realized that i CANT sing. and then i became unexcited. i just..i dont like myself...at all. and i feel SOOOO lonely. like-you wouldnt believe. i dont really have any best friends...it kinda sucks. i dont really have anyone to talk to either, so that leaves me to sit in my room and talk to my mom and cry. which also sucks cause i really wish that i could get her advice on what to do about pretty much everything. but...that wont happen. so i just cry some more and get even more upset. i dont like doing that. just everythings kinda blurry maybe?! i dunno..it just...nothing seems right i guess. no-i dont even know if thats right. just...everything is just really bad right now. this is what my days like-get up at 6, look in the mirror and think about how ugly i am, get ready for school, go to school, stand around for 25 minutes doing nothing and feeling like an idiot, and being all by myself thinking about negative thigns that i really dont need or want to think about, but its inevitable because thats just the way things are, then victor gets there...and i try and talk to him, only he leaves me, so i get sad because he was like, my best friend, but we dont have lunch together this year, so i hardly ever see him, and when i do, he leaves me...and that makes me sad and so that starts my day off bad and i get upset and then the rest of my day pretty much stays that way...anyways..then i go to algebra and think some more about the negative things...and then i get even more upset, then i go to history and try hard to pay attention, but it just doesnt work. then i go to venner and sing-and i realize how bad i suck and it makes me sad cause i actually used to think i was good, but now i just suck and so that really sucks. then i go to band and attempt to do colorguard, and im actually pretty ok at that-whatever, then i go to lunch and i dont know what i do...but i dont like it-id rather be sitting somewhere by myself. then i go to chemisty which i realy dont like cause yea...i just dont and that doesnt make me happy. then i go to english and thats my favorite class and it doesnt really get me in a better mood but i like to pretend it does. then i go to cross country which usually id look forward to, but now i just dread it because im slow this year, and i suck. just one more thing that i suck at...and so that just makes everything lovely. and thats my wonderful day...how fun....and now i sit here, and continue to think about the negative things, which i really shouldn't...but i mean, that whole thing, it was just so wow...kinda like a dream, and i was doing good with forgetting about it, then victor had to say something...and then it just all went downhill and then the email...and just-its bad, and i realy dont like it...but...that really doesn't matter now does it? mmmm...prolly not. so im listening to sad music now, and i need to stop, so maybe illjust go do my homework like i should............














    this really sucks!

    Current Mood: pessimistic
    Current Music: Burn-Usher...thats an old favorite....:-/
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