|"...I seem to have lost my spark also."
||[01 Jul 2012|04:34pm]
I've lost all motivation to do anything good for myself anymore.
I can't concentrate on my music these days. I have no interest in playing bass for this band anymore. But if I leave, I know I'll regret it. And the bandmates are depending on me.
After work is done, I just want to sleep everyday.
Been in a slump since Ashley and I split up. But that was almost 2 years ago. I don't think I'm still upset about it. I don't see myself with anyone else for the rest of my life though. "But Chris, you're only 24. You have plenty of time to find that right person. For now you just have to focus on making yourself happier." That's hard to do with so much hatred and doubt in your heart.
I don't think that I necessarily hate my life. But I do hate to live.
Is it really because I'm lonely? Is that it? Or does it go further back to when I was in school? I always hated myself all throughout my childhood because of my alopecia and the kids in school. Shit, I still have to wear my fucking hat every day.
These past 2 years have been some of the hardest. I've been more depressed and antisocial than ever. And when I think about it, it just makes me feel worse because I feel like there's no reason for me to act the way I do.
Maybe it's this house. Maybe I smoke too much weed and I'm just lazy. The weed helps distract me though. I'm not getting rid of that if I don't have to.
I'm glad I got my 2 kitties though. They're my daughters.
Pretty embarrassed about the last two rehearsals. I'm so tired though.. I hope they can understand. I want to say something. Explain myself. But it's hard to do that. I just hope that with Rob being married to a psychologist that he knows I'm having a lot of issues lately.. Maybe he can tell the other guys for me.
If it were up to me, I would go to work, come home, and spend my time alone doing nothing every single day. It seems like that's the only way I'll be happy really. I don't talk to my parents. Even though they do nothing wrong, just the sound of their voices makes me want to fucking kill people. I haven't talked to my mom in over a year. Didn't call her on her birthday or on mother's day. Yeah I feel bad. But how the hell am I supposed to even look her in the eye when I've treated her like such shit?
I don't know. I don't know what's going on anymore or what to do about anything. I feel like if I just stopped being a piece of shit for a little while and tried to meet some new people or something, It would help me come out of and stay out of this bullshit shell that I apparently love to chill in all the time.