| dream |
[09 Aug 2012|03:00pm] |
I had a dream last night about the apocalypse. Or Rapture. Or whatever it was.
I was in an apartment building with my mom probably on the 4th floor or so. All around the whole room were windows, almost no walls. So we could see the city outside. The skies were dark like it was about to storm. All of a sudden, a large clock tower or something that was far off in the distance in the middle of the city started getting struck by lightning. Over and over again. Probably about 10-15 times really fast. Once it stopped you could see explosions going off in a straight line heading right towards the building we were in. I noticed it was coming right for us and told my mom to duck and take cover. The explosions hit us and the whole building started shaking. Then it started raining. Pouring. Almost instantly there was so much water around it looked like a tsunami had hit. Then the building we were in started sinking into its foundation. Very slowly it kept sinking. When it finally sunk low enough that the floor we were on was at ground level, I told everyone we were with to run outside. As soon as we got outside the building behind us completely sunk and waves started crashing everywhere. Everyone except me got washed away. I had managed to grab onto a railing of a large cargo boat that was half sunken near by. I climbed up the boat and started running to the other side so get to some higher grounds. There was framework of destroyed buildings near by that I was trying to jump on to. Even though it was just a dream, I remember how scared I felt as I ran for my life, knowing that everyone I was just with are all dead. The water was rising and was literally right on my heels as I ran up the steel. Then I got to a road that the steel beams had happened to fall to. There was a yellow bus there with all the lights on. I ran over to it and got on without any questions. When I got on I saw everyone there. Everyone I was just with who I thought had been gone. But they all looked different. Their eyes were dark and shaded. What had happened was that they all made a pact with a demon to be saved that night. And apparently I had done the same.
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| lost the spark
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| Left but never gone. |
[25 Jul 2012|04:45pm] |
The air is broken. Sitting nervously in his room, the fan on the floor blowing a surprisingly nice breeze across him, he waits for something to happen. Anything. He lights up a cigarette.
"You smoke too much, you know that?"
"Go to hell."
It doesn't matter to him. He's too worried about the now rather than the later. The now is hopeless. The now is faithless. There's nothing right now. That's why there's only waiting.
But why? If there's no hope, then why bother waiting? There's no hope for change. The hope comes after change. You should change rather than wait.
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to change. I'm tired of changing."
"Well, you need to do something. This isn't working, obviously."
"Neither is changing. I've tried."
"Try harder."
"Get the fuck away from me. What do you know? You're a fucking nobody."
"Fine."
A little peace and quiet. That's all it'll take. Just a small break from the lead. Let them take it from you.
"I'll try. I'm sorry."
"You'll try what? Changing?"
"Yeah."
"What made you change you're mind?"
"I'm tired of changing. But I'm more tired of waiting."
"You've taken the first step already then. I'll help you."
"How?"
"Just keep looking forward. I'll be there."
But can you go forward when everything just brings you down? I've seen you at your worst. I know you can keep going.
"And put that fucking cigarette out."
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| lost the spark
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| Dear Lori, |
[23 Jul 2012|02:57pm] |
I hate to get all mushy on you. But I want you to know that I really respect you as a person and friend. You're the only one lately who gives me hope that there's still real people out there. You're the best wife, mother, and friend that I've seen in a long time. Rick and Cadance are very very lucky to have you in their lives. Please always stay the way you are. I'm happy that we can be friends.
-Chris
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| lost the spark
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| some sort of outlet |
[22 Jul 2012|09:30pm] |
None of my friends see this which is good because I pretty much never have anything nice or fun to say about what's going on in my life/head, much less anything that I would even want my friends to know about anyway. I kinda just hate my life every day.
I know this is a public page so eventually some random person will see this. So if you are some random person that happened to stumble across this and can bear through reading about all my crying and bitching, I have a few questions.
How does one stop hating themselves so much?
Where does one get the motivation to actually put forth effort to improve their life?
How the hell do you meet new people, friends or otherwise?
The latter is the hardest thing for me. I'm not too happy with most of my friends. None of us have anything in common anymore except drinking and smoking. And now I'm thinking about quitting smoking weed. I ran out this weekend and was too lazy to go re-up. Plus I failed my plumbing test that I took Saturday morning so my school will be drug testing me shortly anyway.
I'm always happier when I'm with someone. But it's been so long now that I don't even know if that's still true. I do miss having someone around that cares about and for me though. And I miss being able to hold and fall asleep with someone that I care about and for. When I was with Ashley, all my insecurities didn't matter anymore. Lol, probably because she was so much more insecure than I was that I had no choice but to put mine aside. But I had someone to take care of and talk to. And she did the same for me.
I had a dream last night that I met someone while my band was playing out at some school for some reason. She was really pretty too and nice. We talked a lot and it was gonna go somewhere. I woke up probably twice in the night and really couldn't tell if it was a dream or not, I guess since I was half asleep. But this morning after I was up for a while, I knew it was just a dream.
How? How do you freakin' meet new people? Lady people preferably. I've tried a couple dating sites but I don't know. I can't talk to people seriously over the internet. Would much rather us mutually say, "You seem cool. Let's just meet up and see how it goes." Plus 99% of the people all live an hour or more away and I don't really want that. But then if I'm out somewhere, I can't ever just walk up to someone I think looks nice and start talking to them. I'm too socially awkward I guess. I'm terrible at holding conversations.
Earlier today I went to 7-11 to get some cigarettes and there was a lady in line in front of me. She was probably around my age, maybe a little older. As I was walking out I held the door for her since she was behind me and she saw I had a Monster that I had bought also. She said, "Hey, have you tried the red Amp drinks? They're pretty good if you like them." My first reaction honestly is, why the fuck are you talking to me about this? That's a stupid thing to say to somebody you don't know at all. I replied with, "No, I haven't. I'll definitely have to try some though." She said something else and I said yeah and then got in my car. It's shit like that that I have no idea what people's intentions are, or if I'm completely over analyzing it. Like, is that a situation that I could turn around to eventually get a number or something? Or is that just a random person making random conversation? I never know. And basically every time I just end it without saying much and go on my way.
A buddy of mine who I work with, Jeremy, is always talking to girls and gettin' numbers. And they're all pretty good looking too. Maybe not the type that I would be interested in because honestly, I'd like someone with more than just looks. A good personality will turn me on more than a nice body. But he has no problems walking up to random girls he thinks are hot and talking to them until he gets their number. I always wonder how he does it lol.
I've tried asking a couple of my girl friends like how a guy would be successful in picking them up and neither of them really gave me good answers. And I guess it all depends on the girl too. I think I'm just waiting for that small chance that me and a cool girl will stumble upon each other in some situation that forces us to converse for a few minutes, instead of purposefully trying to pick someone up. Like getting stuck in an elevator or bumping in to them and making them drop their books and picking them up for them like some shitty teenage high school movie. I've got no problem like trying to move in on someone that I've known and been friends with for a while. That's how almost all of my ex's came to be. I was friends with them first. But all the girls I know now are all taken by guys that I'm also good friends with. So I need to figure out how to meet some new people.
I know I'm not a bad lookin' dude. I'm independent. I've got my own car, house, and a really good paying full-time job. I'm good at playing bass and I'm in a cool band. I'm smart and can do pretty much anything needed physically or mentally. In my own opinion, I'm not a bad catch. And I think almost anyone would be happy to be with me if they got to know me. But I gotta find someone who wants to get to know me. And who I actually want to get to know too. This whole social barrier thing sucks though. I need to figure out how to get over that.
After Ashley left, I've really had a hard time believing that there's someone else out there that's as good as her or better. Granted she DEFINITELY had her flaws. We argued a lot about stupid shit because she was so insecure. She would cut herself. And cry about everything. And all that pissed me the fuck off so much. But I loved her for everything else she had. She really was one of the nicest people I had ever met. And she was smart and extremely beautiful. She had the most amazing eyes.. Good taste in clothing and music and humor. Even silly things like the sound of her voice, or the way she sat as she drove her car I was in love with. Looking back now though, I know I was way more into her than she was me. I think I was just like a filler until we split up and she found someone else. We split up after a big argument for a few weeks and she was already with someone else in that time. I've known her since we were 15 and I always remember hearing about her boyfriend back then. How many problems they always had and how they fought and split up all the time. But then they always got back together. When she left me on Christmas day, I always wondered why I wasn't good enough that she could come back with me too. But like I said, I'm pretty sure I was way more into her than she was me. And that was quite unfortunate.
I really don't think I'm bitter about it. I was for a long time after though. I've moved on for sure since then though. But is thinking that I'll never care about anyone else as much as I cared about her still considered being bitter? Or at least considered not being over her? I'd like to think not. I just think she had everything I ever looked for in a gal and she was one of a kind. They say there's plenty of fish in the sea but I'm not so sure sometimes. When I'm out places and I see girls there hanging out with their guy or their friends or whatever, none of them just ever seem appealing. Maybe I'm just judging them too much. But everyone just seems like a moron these days. All the girls are just brainless barbies getting beat by their asshole boyfriends who play Call of Duty too much.
I have a feeling that's all just due to my shitty perspective of society and life. Something else I should definitely work on.
Ashley always said to me, "You'll never be able to really love someone else until you start loving yourself first." I could have said the same to you, bitch.
Bitterness ^
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| lost the spark
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| . |
[16 Jul 2012|04:33pm] |
People tell me I'm a good person. How nice I can be.
But behind this friendly and generous mask is a very sad and angry person.
No one has yet to understand what's really in my heart.
Solitary is my Haven, but the loneliness is killing me.
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| lost the spark
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| memorlies |
[03 Jul 2012|05:35pm] |
Reading these old entries..
So many bad memories that I had completely forgotten about..
No wonder I can't be around my family or friends anymore. :[
I really hope that I was exaggerating those stories. I was only 16.
I remember them though.
I don't want to think anymore.
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| lost the spark
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| "...I seem to have lost my spark also." |
[01 Jul 2012|04:34pm] |
I've lost all motivation to do anything good for myself anymore.
I can't concentrate on my music these days. I have no interest in playing bass for this band anymore. But if I leave, I know I'll regret it. And the bandmates are depending on me.
After work is done, I just want to sleep everyday.
Been in a slump since Ashley and I split up. But that was almost 2 years ago. I don't think I'm still upset about it. I don't see myself with anyone else for the rest of my life though. "But Chris, you're only 24. You have plenty of time to find that right person. For now you just have to focus on making yourself happier." That's hard to do with so much hatred and doubt in your heart.
I don't think that I necessarily hate my life. But I do hate to live.
Is it really because I'm lonely? Is that it? Or does it go further back to when I was in school? I always hated myself all throughout my childhood because of my alopecia and the kids in school. Shit, I still have to wear my fucking hat every day.
These past 2 years have been some of the hardest. I've been more depressed and antisocial than ever. And when I think about it, it just makes me feel worse because I feel like there's no reason for me to act the way I do.
Maybe it's this house. Maybe I smoke too much weed and I'm just lazy. The weed helps distract me though. I'm not getting rid of that if I don't have to.
I'm glad I got my 2 kitties though. They're my daughters.
Pretty embarrassed about the last two rehearsals. I'm so tired though.. I hope they can understand. I want to say something. Explain myself. But it's hard to do that. I just hope that with Rob being married to a psychologist that he knows I'm having a lot of issues lately.. Maybe he can tell the other guys for me.
If it were up to me, I would go to work, come home, and spend my time alone doing nothing every single day. It seems like that's the only way I'll be happy really. I don't talk to my parents. Even though they do nothing wrong, just the sound of their voices makes me want to fucking kill people. I haven't talked to my mom in over a year. Didn't call her on her birthday or on mother's day. Yeah I feel bad. But how the hell am I supposed to even look her in the eye when I've treated her like such shit?
I don't know. I don't know what's going on anymore or what to do about anything. I feel like if I just stopped being a piece of shit for a little while and tried to meet some new people or something, It would help me come out of and stay out of this bullshit shell that I apparently love to chill in all the time.
But whatever.
Slayer.
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| lost the spark
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[09 Jun 2011|05:26pm] |
I'm not very fond of this life I lead.
I wonder what I can do different.
Being alone is no fun.
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1 | lost the spark
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| sigh |
[06 Feb 2011|12:09pm] |
I like how all my friends tell me how no one has a ride or money to go see the show I played last night but they did have enough money to have a party and everyone get drunk and have fun.
I didn't really have fun. Played and went home :[
Shit sucks.
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| lost the spark
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| hmm |
[05 Feb 2011|06:31pm] |
So I was reading my last couple entries. I haven't seen them since I wrote them.
God DAMN I was a depressed mother fucker.
Nothing's changed lol.
No one reads this which is probably a good thing. I hate my life so I'm gonna vent here where it's still public but no one will see it anyway because I'm too ashamed of my feelings and my outlook on life to talk to any of my friends. Who probably don't care anyway.
FUCK MY SISTER. She's a bitch. I'm sick of living here.
I'm leaving now to go play a show tonight at a little bar. None of my friends are going. That's nothing new.
Holla back.
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| lost the spark
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|
[03 Oct 2004|03:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Homo Iratus ~ Dead Upon Conception |
] |
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I think I'll start updating here again as well as my LJ.
so yeah.
I have no friends.
There we go. Done.
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| lost the spark
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[19 Apr 2004|02:04pm] |
im done with blurty. end of story
im making a live journal though. see if you can find me there.
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7 | lost the spark
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| Friends cut |
[20 Feb 2004|08:05pm] |
1. benotanypunk
2. stinaxo182_
3. stripp3d
4. the_unknown
Take me off please.
Got a problem? Comment.
Still wanna talk? IM me.
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13 | lost the spark
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| From green to red, our days pass by. |
[18 Jan 2004|08:00pm] |
Comment if you wanna be added. I don't really have any specs or anything. As long as I don't hate you then we'll be friends.
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18 | lost the spark
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